Incidents of domestic violence in America are at an all time high. More and more, violence and abuse against women are occurring at an alarming rate in the United States. According to the CDC, one out of three women are abused in domestic relationships and one out of ten men are abused. Whatever the figures, abuse is NEVER okay in any relationship!
The air of disrespect for women has grown by mass proportion, perpetuated by so many men in the highest realms of government in this country. I am sure you have heard quite a bit about the admitted abuse by so many athletes and other men in powerful positions. Sadly and unfortunately, many people (including a preponderance of men) believe that the abuse lodged by these men against women was right, appropriate, and ‘the way men should treat women who don’t know when to keep their mouths shut,’ or women who ‘can’t be controlled.’ Ironically, the NFL seems to agree with these supporters of abuse of women by men, with the actions they have taken against these men.
The negative comments made about African-American women have been even more distasteful and downright disgusting. To add insult to injury, African-American men whose mothers and sisters are African-American, have made many of these disparaging comments, viewing African-American women has less worthy than any other group of women.
There should be no situation that warrants any type of violence or abuse against another. If the relationship is not in your best interest or it becomes toxic, you must recognize that you have a choice and you have options. If you are being abused, you can choose to continue to drink from the abuse bottle with the skull and crossbones, or you can demand changes in how you are being treated. And if you are not being treated the way you believe you should be treated, like the human being, man or woman that you are…you have options, and one of the options is to end the situation. Being abused does not constitute a relationship; violence indicates a situation.
Women, the longer you stay in an abusive and violent situation, the weaker you become. Staying stuck in the mud of abuse does not make your relationship stronger. All you are doing is enabling your abuser and engaging in codependent behaviors with him. If he hit you once, he will hit you again. A shove, doesn’t make it any worse. Many women have lost their lives, believing their abusive and violent mates will change; they don’t!!! IT’S IN HIS DNA!!!
It’s time for you to stop blaming yourself for being abused and stop making excuses for his abusive behaviors. ‘I should have been quiet’; ‘I made him angry’; ‘it’s all my fault’; ‘he was drinking’; ‘the kids were making too much noise’; ‘I made him do it.’ You are in denial…Don’t Even kNowIt’s All ALie! You want him to man up? WHY DON’T YOU WOMAN UP and stop participating in the madness and cancel your membership in the club of insanity! And if you have to try to make a boy into a man, you have greater issues than he has! He won’t and he doesn’t love you any more because you are his punching bag, physically, verbally, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. As a matter of fact, for a man to engage in abusive and violent behaviors against you is an indication that he doesn’t love you at all; if he ever did!
As men and women, you must come to recognize that hands are made for holding, helping, and hugging, and they were never made for hitting or hurting! Further, if you expect dignity ad respect from your children, it is time for you to model these characteristics for them. Abuse and violence are learned behaviors, especially against women. You can then throw out the old adage, ‘do as I say and not as I do.’ You should be congruent in what you say and what you do…stop trying to control your mate and others with your abuse and violence. Don’t be afraid to speak out against such destructive behaviors!
Abuse has been used as a form of control for too long, at home and in the workplace. When you come to realize that the only person you have control over is yourself, you will stop trying to control others. And not having things go your way in your relationship doesn’t give you permission or the right to abuse your mate in any way. Being a man of physical strength doesn’t make you stronger when you abuse women of lesser strength. As a matter of fact, as an abuser, you display your weaknesses. Here is your opportunity to STAND UP and MAN UP! Stop the violence and stop abusing your mate and other women! And if you are not an abuser, take a stand against abuse by calling your boys out when they engage in abusive behaviors. Let them see how big you truly are.
Doormats are made for walking on; not people. Light switches are made for flicking on and off…not people. Doorknobs are made for turning; not people; drums are made for beating on…NOT PEOPLE! Clearly, if you are an abuser or use violence to control your relationships, you have much deeper problems than you know or are willing to admit. And then, if you are constantly submitting yourself to abuse, as a man or woman, you also have deep problems within yourself. For both the abuser and the abused, self-esteem is a serious issue, but it is never an excuse for abuse, as a giver or receiver!
Men, it is time for you to take a stand against abuse of any kind, especially abuse against women. Just as there are men (and a few women) who condone abuse committed by athletes and other men of power, there were many men and women who condemn these behaviors. I commend you! To those men who have stood or stand against abuse and domestic violence against women, kudos to you! Always remember, your mother was/is a woman. When you show disrespect and hatred toward the woman you sleep with (or don’t sleep with), you are showing an extension of disrespect to and for the woman who carried you for nine months and made the decision to bring you into this world. Even if she did not rear you, she gave you life. Either way, whatever happened between you and your mother, it’s not your mate’s fault or her responsibility to take the blame for or to try to fix the situation. Get some professional help and get over it!
To the women who raise your hands against your mates, and hurt with your words, because you feel emotionally bankrupt and don’t believe you can harm with your hands (which is not an option), there is no right in your wrong actions and violence and abuse have never healed hurt or mended a broken heart. Self-love is the start and love toward others is the next step. When you come to love yourself, you will see that you don’t have to fight in order to be loved. Love attracts love! Hurt people hurt!
Recognize that there are many forms of abuse. Here is your opportunity to become aware of them, gain insight about them, understand them, and take a stand against them!
· Domestic abuse/violence—Abuse and violence committed against your mate in order for you to control him/her. More often than not, domestic abuse/violence is committed by men against women and children. Domestic violence usually encompasses all of the abuses below, but focuses more on physical abuse. It occurs in cycles. He beats the hell of you and then he wants to have sex, after he has given a false apology, cries, begs for forgiveness, and makes you, as a woman believe everything is alright after the sex…until the next time, the next out break. During domestic abuse/violence, more women are killed by physical violence, including guns.
· Economic abuse--Stripping your mate of financial means for her to effectively care for herself and the children. Withholding credit cards, taking money from accounts to deny her access; forcing her and children out of the home, especially after a divorce; depriving your mate of the basic needs for daily survival, causing her to struggle to stay afloat and to get ahead in life through financial and material means and needs
· Emotional abuse—Saying or doing things to and/or against your mate, which affect his/her mood; deflating him/her, causing low emotions, depressed moods, stress, and distraught. Usually coupled with other forms of abuse, physical, verbal, spiritual, etc.
· Financial abuse—Withholding money in order to deflate and/or control your mate. Forcing your mate to give you money or forcibly taking money from your mate, rending her financially impaired or devastated.
· Physical abuse—Violence and abuse on your mate’s body by beating, hitting, shoving, slapping, cutting, scratching, or any other form of physical harm. This harm can be done with your hand, fist, or other material instrument or weapon.
· Psychological abuse—Affecting the mind of your mate through physical, emotional, spiritual, and other forms of abuse. Your mate begins to believe she is ‘going crazy,’ with erratic thinking, confusion, forgetfulness, distress, etc.
· Social abuse—Using verbal, physical and/or spiritual forms of abuse to embarrass your mate in front of others, in public, or through social media; denigrating her in public; putting her down in front of others, especially at parties or other social engagements.
· Spiritual abuse—Using the Bible and spiritual approaches to control your mate. Making him/her believe that he/she is headed for damnation; quoting scriptures to embarrass your mate, embarrassing in front of church members, having a Bible in your hands with horns on your hand and a tail sticking out of your behind. Making yourself seem self-righteous, while condemning your mate.
· Verbal abuse —Using your words to hurt your mate; entails name-calling, yelling & screaming, cursing, abusive language, denigrating, and embarrassing in front of others with words; using put downs, deflating your mate as you inflate yourself. Public humiliation with your words.
For your sake and the sake of your children, remember, abuse and violence kills! Women, if there was a way into the situation, there is always a way out…you must be ready to see it. You also must begin to love yourself, accept yourself, and above all respect yourself. And don’t be afraid to get psychotherapy to help yourself. When the situation is too rough and too toxic, don’t feel embarrassed about the abuse, reach out to family and friends to help you to get out of the situation.
Never stay in an abusive and violent situation ‘for the children.’ This is an unhealthy situation. Your children are better off in a healthy home with one parent than they are in an unhealthy, abusive, and violent house with two parents; one abusive and violent and the other afraid. Men, you are more likely to kill your mate, your children, other family members, and yourself, in order to control and seek revenge or because you believe you lost control some where along the way. And guess what? You blame everyone except you for your problems, especially your mate and your children!
Women, you are more likely to kill yourself and sometimes your children in order to escape the control, the abuse, and the violence. You see no way out and you have often lost hope. There is hope, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Run…and run as fast as you can to save YOU and your children.
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!! You can live with someone and still not truly know him/her. It is better to live with embarrassment than it is to not live at all!! There is help for you; GO GET IT!
Resources:
The Women’s Resource Center reads the names of women in Georgia who have died since 1990 due to domestic violence in October in the Decatur Square—over 100
Women’s Resource Center Crisis Line—404-688-9436
Men Stopping Violence—404-270-9894
National Domestic Violence Hotline—1-800-79-SAFE (1-800-797-7233—1-800-787-3224-TTY)
©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com
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