Love Isn’t Having to Lose Your Life to Your Partner

This Blog is dedicated to the life and memory of three promising young African-American women, 22 year-old Jana Watson, 23 year-old Anitra Shay Gunn, and 17 year-old Jasmine Benjamin, as well as all of the other women who lost their lives at the hands of abusive, stalking, and violent males, all because they loved and cared. Although they are no longer with us in the physical realm, their memories, their love, their presence, their spirit, and their commitment to others will last forever, as they yet live in the depths of our hearts.

As women, many of you believe that the man who chases you to eventually be with you really wants you for love and honor. You gave him total leeway and control over too many areas of your life and you provided him with too much information about you when you first met him. Have you ever noticed that it is often the man who asks you questions about your personal life on the first date or during the first encounter? He gathers as much information about you, but he rarely, if at all, provides any information to you about himself. Guess what? He has played this game many times before and you become a pawn in the game! He’s a charmer, often with a great smile, and he knows everything to say, which you want to hear, so that you can share with your girl friends ad family members about this marvelous man that you have met. The way you start a relationship will determine how it ends!!!

You returned what you thought was love from him. You all were like a hand in a glove; at least you thought so. Yeah, he seemed a little strange, but the sex was good. He didn’t have a job, but you convinced yourself that he’d eventually get one, or he had a job where he controlled the money and the spending, having you to believe that he was ‘taking care of you.’ Red flags are all around you, but you stepped on them, ignoring them, pretending they did not exist

You often failed to engage in having a background check on this charming guy, and you didn’t investigate his past or his present, including his past or current relationships (intimate and plutonic). Let alone not investigating this handsome and sometimes not so handsome guy, you often failed to ask the right questions in order to closely assess this man’s past and present situation. You were probably thinking that you would never meet that special man with whom you will spend the rest of your life. You might have been a divorce’ with children, seeking a new relationship, or you were a single woman with children who has never married, but you were hoping to still be attracted to some man.

There are too many women who don’t assess the guys that have chased after them, including their personality, their mannerisms, their speech, their conversations, or their moods. You become so infatuated with his physical appearance and so caught up in a possible future with him (money and marriage) that you miss the present and you fear asking bout his past. You fail to inquire about his bank account, his job history, his current and past family dynamics and relationships, his marital status, his sexuality, his employment status, his credit score, his dreams, his goals, and aspirations, assessing whether any of these exist at all. Many of you also fail to assess how and if his dreams, goals, and aspirations relate to your own dreams, goals, and aspirations. 

As a matter of fact, you don’t know why he chased you and if he even likes women at all. You get with him because he chased you, whether you really wanted him or not; you didn’t have a say in the matter. You were just glad that some man, any man, seemed interested in you and seemed to want you. On the outside, the world sees a ‘perfect’ couple and you help to perpetuate the fraud, ignoring all of the red flags that only you and he can see behind closed doors.

This guy might be your husband you thought you knew, the new guy who chased after you and you really knew nothing about, but he wines and dines you, giving you hope and making you feel needed and wanted. You all appear in the public holding hands, while behind closed doors and on too many occasions to mention, you have to decide whether you are with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. Yes, it seems like a fairy tale until you realize that he can’t do right, because as Anita Baker once sang, ‘he’s the wrong man.’ He starts telling you what to do, when to do what you do, what to wear, who to hang out with, as he checks your phone, on a daily basis and isolates you from family and friends. Sadly, you are so excited about the attention (although negative), that you don’t realize that his actions aren’t love; they are obsessions. He has a need for control and he probably has a checkered past; you aren’t his first attraction, which in many cases might become a fatal attraction. Your soul mate becomes your heartache and your ultimate hate. He sees you as a possession, a trophy, and he is the owner. On many occasions, he has placed you on a pedestal (where you truly belong), but with control and obsession. This guy is the classic profile of the obsessed person who will not let go when it’s time to let go. He will hold on for dear life, believing that you have the problem, and that you ARE the problem; he doesn’t need help from anyone. 

Because of his own instability, which probably started when he was a child, he has carried resentment, anger, and other hostile feelings, especially toward women. He probably taught himself how to be a man, an area in which he has fallen short. And whatever his issues have been with women, is probably related to his perception of his own mother, whom he had a love-hate relationship or no relationship at all. This guy who has nothing to lose in life, has nowhere to go in life, is likely suffering from some form of mental illness, has abandonment issues, as well as other issues related to rejection, and is more likely to experience and engage in acts of obsessive behaviors. You have allowed this guy into your head, into your heart, and the most disconcerting aspect of it all is that you allowed him into your bed, and on too many occasions into the lives of your children. In some cases, this guy is the father of your children!  

As women, you want every relationship with your partner to work. No matter how he is, what you see, what he shows you, and how bad he treats you, there’s something in your DNA compelling you to give him another chance. You take him back over and over, but he continues to misbehave. He disrespects you, denies you, defies you, and the man you thought was the love of your life has now become the despair of your life. And just when you decide to let him go, he rejects what you want, what you think, and what you feel. He doesn’t give a damn; it’s all about him!!! He’s a narcissistic, angry, selfish, mentally unstable, and crazed individual. But you have known this for sometime; he showed you his hand months and sometimes years ago. Sister girl, the red flags have been there from the onset and you ignored them, believing that either he would change or that you would change him. You might not have realized it, but you had become so desperate to be with somebody, that you got up with anybody, who essentially turned out to be nobody.

You are finally awake and totally conscious, where enough is enough. You no longer want to be friends with this guy, let alone being a lover with him, and you no longer want to play his games. You just want out, but he is not ready to leave and let go. He is a stalker! 

What you originally thought were acts of love at the beginning of your relationship with this guy were acts of obsession. This guy has so many insecurities, which you believed were opportunities for you to take care of him. You thought he was letting you in; but he was leaning on you, because he was unable to stand. Now he is unable to stand alone…the experience is too frightening for him His mind is playing tricks on him. He has believed he was a loser all of his life, and he has made it up in his mind, ‘not this time; I will never be a loser again!’ He tried to make you believe that you’ll never find anyone like him and he also threatened that he will never let you go. As a matter fact, he would rather take your life, and sometimes the lives of your children, as opposed to letting you go. This guy makes your life a living hell!He makes all kinds of promises about CHANGING. Remember, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE! He keeps calling you, texting you, and trying to get back with you, but DON’T DO IT; your very life depends on it!!

It’s important that you don’t take the threats, the control, and the instability of this man or any other man lightly. The same goes for men with women stalkers. Women do stalk men, but they are more likely to destroy the personal property of the men they stalk, rather than taking their lives. Due to their conniving and manipulative tendencies, women are more likely to charm another man into taking the life of their intimate partner, whom they have been stalking. 

There has been a dramatic increase in women being followed, harassed, abused, and stalked by their ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, after an end to their relationship. Even more sadly, the murder rate of these women has increased, especially the rate of African-American women. During 2016, African-American females were murdered at more than twice the rate of White females (Violence Policy Center, 2018). In the same study, it was shown that 58 percent of African-American females were killed by a current or former intimate partner

         

Here are some tips to remember if you believe you are being stalked by an intimate partner or other person or in a domestic violent situation:

Let family and friends know what is going on with you and the stalker. DO NOT TRY TO HIDE IT! This is what the stalker wants you to do and is a part of his manipulation in order to separate you from family and friends. 

File a police report

Call the National Center for Victims of Crime at 855-484-2846  

Make a plan to GET OUT & DON’T tell him about your plan

Change your telephone numbers and if at all possible change your physical living space

Find a safe place with safe people

Block him from all online social media and be careful where and what you post on social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.)

Engage with a mental health professional to help you maintain the strength and the self-esteem to completely break away from and leave the situation, without going back…it could cost you your life!

Keep all threatening text messages, emails, and voicemail messages

Don’t keep going back or allowing him to come back

Don’t meet him anywhere for that ‘LAST’ hug, that ‘LAST’ conversation, or ONE MORE TRY; it might TRULY be YOUR LAST EVERYTHING

Pray without ceasing daily, while listening to God’s divine direction

Remember, “Love Isn’t Having to Lose Your Life to Your Partner.” You have a lot to live for, live it without an obsessed stalker!

©2020; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

The Resiliency of African-Americans: Continuing to Love in the Face of Hate

Happy Black History Month, even though it is celebrated during the shortest month of the year. The contributions of African-Americans to America are immeasurable. However, he gains of African-Americans in America are clearly measurable, and the depths of these gains pale in comparison to any other group in America, even after 400 years. 

It was August 1691when the first twenty Africans were brought to this country in James Town, Virginia. You would think that after all of this time, hatred for the powerful dark-skinned, and brilliant sisters and brothers in America would’ve been eradicated by now. But unfortunately, not only has hatred for African-Americans not been eradicated, in many cases, it has been exacerbated in various forms that are legally acceptable. But no matter what, in the midst of and the face of the continued hatred toward African-Americans in America, they have persevered and continue to show love in the face of hatred.

It isn’t by chance that Black History Month is recognized during the same month as the month of love, which culminates with Valentine’s Day. No matter how beaten down, how discriminated against, how many African-American boys are murdered by white police officers without consequences, no matter how many African-American women are disrespected by whites, no matter how many African-American neighborhoods are taken over through gentrification, and no matter how many African-American children are under educated or not educated at all, through their resiliency, African-Americans still manage to show love, especially to those who have harmed them and continue to harm them.

Although resiliency with love is an admirable attribute for African-Americans as a whole, based on the vestiges of slavery, as well as the psychological impact of the teachings of self-hatred, many of them find it easier to forgive and love others who are less like themselves, as well as those who cannot identify with their four hundred year journey in America. The system is set up to foster divisiveness within African-American communities, further fostering in group haves and have nots, many times allowing African-Americans to treat others like themselves, the same way Whites have treated all African-Americans. Those who engage in self-hatred are more likely to hate those who look like them and can identify with them. To see the reflection of their own economic, physical, emotional, social, and spiritual pain and deprivation in the faces of their African-American sisters and brothers is often difficult for them to deal with. Hence, the hatred for themselves is then projected onto those who bare their reflections, making it difficult for them to love their reflections, because they hate their own pain.

The mainframe of the American White society is still shaking its head and wondering how such a group of people as African-Americans, who have been pawned, sold, raped, castigated, castrated, hung, assassinated, discriminated against, and stolen from are still able to stand, bouncing back from each and every act of hatred, designed to lead to their demise. However, for many African-Americans who are consciously aware of their history and their heritage, who accept themselves, as well as their history and their heritage, find it easy to practice self-love, and love for their people. Because they are conscious, they accept themselves, love themselves, and they are not afraid of publicly being themselves, allowing them to accept those who look like them and are reflections of themselves in their mirrors of economic, physical, emotional, psychological, and other forms of pain. 

As African-Americans, it is imperative that you know and understand your history. It is further important that you teach your children your history and their history without denying it, decrying it, or running away from it. It is also even more so important that as African-Americans, you do not allow others who are not like you, those who have no knowledge of and have not participated FULLY in your journey, to tell your story or write your history. When you fully accept yourself, your history, and your heritage, you will much more readily accept the history and the heritage of those who look like you. A people without a history and a past are not fully the people God put them here to be.

It is also important for African-Americans to remember the struggle experienced by ALL African-Americans, even those who seem to have somehow escaped the economic deprivation placed on the African-American race as a whole in America, recognizing that until ALL African-Americans are free, none of them are truly free! The freedom to be is the freedom to love. Love is the basis and the base for you to forgive yourself, allowing you to forgive others who look like you, but have not harmed you, but their hated status is more related to their existence than it is to their behaviors, their crimes or their faults. In any case, there is never a reason or a rationale for hate.

As African-Americans or any other groups of people, no matter how much you’ve been hated, no matter how much you are hated, hate is never an option. However, you still have the option to continue down your path of self-love, family love, and African-American love. Until you experience all of these forms of love, the love you espouse to those who have harmed you is not truly a love of freedom, but a love to belong and to be accepted. Love is acceptance and respect, first for self, family, and your history and heritage. Love is allowing yourself as an African-American, to have conversations about your past and your present with those who look like you, in preparation for your future. Love is confronting your denial of self, accepting your strength and your resiliency of having beat many odds, and going against the grain of the set up by America’s White society.

No matter who you are and where you are economically as an African-American, until you use your resilience to reach back and reach down to pull up other African-Americans who seem to be caught in the struggle, as well as those young African-Americans who have no understanding of the struggle, you are a part of the hate game. You are doing exactly what the teachers of hate have taught you, starting from the plantation. You don’t have to run anymore; you are free to be, you are free to be you. It is time for you to use your resilience and your love to free others, not just during Black History month, the month of February, or on Valentine’s Day, but three hundred and sixty-five days of the year! Let your resilience and your love continue to lead you and guide you, fighting against hate, not promoting hate, and by engaging in anti-hate campaigns to cripple and stop the haters!        

©2020; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com