Saturday, July 5, 2014

Can You Make An Ex a Plus?

Although love seems to hurt sometimes, true love doesn’t hurt; it heals. Even if your heart is heavy following a breakup with someone you loved or still love, you must remember to never give up on love!   You might end a relationship with the person you love, but love never dies; it lives inside of you. As a matter of fact, you are love!!!

One of the greatest vocalists and greatest crooners, Luther Vandross once sang, “Love will be better…better than ever, the second time around.” And if you feel the way that I feel about Luther Vandross, there is no song that he sang, which didn’t seem to hold truth to its words.  Love can be better, but you will never know it, if you stop loving and if you don’t trust your heart, ensuring that it is in sync with your head.

Love is not the problem, the problem is whom you choose to love, and whom you allow to choose you, but is not necessarily in love with you. And if the person you choose or who chooses you is not right for you, it is difficult for love to be right for you. The Isley Brothers once sang, “If You Can’t Be With the One You Love, Love the One You’re With.” This might hold true for some, but not necessarily for all.

You probably believe that you can’t go on after a breakup, because you still love your ex.  I want to say to you, ‘YES YOU CAN!’ If your relationship with your ex was a mess, and he/she was a minus, getting back with him/her won’t make him/her a plus the second time around. You can move forward and still have feelings of love; it’s what you do with those feelings that matter.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and move on with your life, even if you still have feelings for your ex. There are many things to consider when putting your heart on the line the second time around. But a second time around does not have to be with your ex, you can move on to the next.

Unfortunately, there are many couples who breakup, wakeup one day and decide to makeup, and the relationship goes nowhere. As a matter of fact, if your relationship went nowhere the first time, what makes you think it will go somewhere the second time? What have you done to ensure that whatever went wrong the first time will not go wrong the second time? The problem is, too many of you try to make your ex a plus, without first fixing the mess and eliminating the minuses!

Also, a breakup doesn’t fix a relationship or change your ex to become the way you want him/her to become. Get the message and get a grip… PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE, BUT THEY CAN GROW!! They must want to grow and it takes hard work and perseverance!  
Until you are ready to face the facts, address the issues, and fix whatever tore you and your ex apart, love will probably not be better the second time around…at least not with your ex. Love can be better the second time around, but it might have to be with someone other than your ex.
It is time for you to assess where you are with your ex and decide if getting back with your ex will make him/her a plus and not a minus the second time around. And then, on the other hand, here is your opportunity to assess if you want to give love another opportunity with someone else and leave your ex in your past.

Before getting back with your ex or moving on with someone else, you must:

  • Be honest about how and why your ex became an ex in the first place
  • Assess what you and your ex have done to confront the situation(s) that caused the breakup?
  • What visible, emotional, and spiritual growth has taken place with you and with your ex since the breakup?
  • What, if any expectations do you and your ex have of each other and the relationship moving forward? You should have specific expectations!
  • Do you and your ex have a relationship agenda?
  • Do you and your ex have the same goals?
  • Are you and your ex on the same page?
  • Is getting back with your ex a result of lust or love?
  • What affects will the decision to get back with your ex have on your current and future relationships, especially with your children?
  • What has been done to correct whatever went wrong with your ex? 
  • Don’t be afraid for you and your ex to seek professional help!

Remember, sex will never mend a situation nor does it make a situation a relationship. And even if you decide to not rekindle a relationship with your ex, consider the above questions as you move into your next relationship.  Love CAN be better the second time around, but there is no guarantee that you can ‘make your ex a plus,’ because you get back together.

Get ready!  Invite your family, invite your friends, sit in your favorite seat, and get out the popcorn!!  Dr. Joyce is featured on TV One’s “Fatal Attraction” TV show on Monday, July 28, 2014, at 10:00pm EDT. And if you will not be at home, be sure to set your DVR or your VCR so that you can watch the show at a later time.  Don’t miss it!