Saturday, April 30, 2016

Not Speaking to Your Mother Won’t Solve the Problem

Mother’s Day is a celebration of and for women, whether they are biological mothers, surrogate mothers, or women taking a stand and a stance for mothers! Mothers are just like spring flowers; they grow and they blossom! For some reason, we think girls are born mothers, but they aren’t. No matter what you call her, Mother, Mama, Grandma, or Big Mama, this woman was instrumental in giving you life. Even if you don’t agree with her, she is responsible for helping you to be you.

Now, don’t get me wrong; mothers have never been and they never will be perfect. As with anyone, male or female, there are many of you who have been derelict in your duties. Mothers are no different; they have made mistakes too. As a matter of fact, based on their humanness, they will continue to make mistakes, just like you and me! They have fallen, faltered, and failed, just like you and me. However, you have expected or expect your mother to be perfect at motherhood. Ask yourself, ‘who taught her how to be a mother?’

As with many of us, motherhood is a process and we often learn the art associated with it from women who learned from other women, without having a recipe, a book, or a set of directions. And you want your mother to be perfect or a ‘good mother’! What is a good mother? Good is relative!

The problem is that too many of you believe that the woman you have identified as mother should be or should’ve been perfect, without faults and without failures. You have drilled this misconception so deep into the recesses of your mind, your heart, and your spirit that because your mother has not fulfilled your fantasy of motherhood that you have created, you have stopped speaking to her!  What…stop speaking to your mother?! Guess what? She is just like you; she is human! And I guarantee you that no matter how much you try to distance yourself from her, not talk to her, or disown her, when you look at you in the mirror, you will find characteristics of her…whether she reared you or not. If you aren’t perfect, why do you expect your mother to be perfect?

Mothers have played and continue to paly major roles in each of our lives. Even if your biological mother did not rear you or she gave you to someone else to take on the responsibility for you, it is important to remember the woman who supported you and your dreams, wiped your tears, provided you with love, cared for you, gave you direction, and showered you with affection. And even if you didn’t receive all of the aforementioned acts of kindness from your mother, she was or still is your mother. 

Although you believe you deserve forgiveness for your faults and failures, you are not willing to forgive your mother for the things you believe she did or didn’t do for you or to you. Yes, your mother might not have been there for you at every turn, as you believe she should have been. She might have allowed someone else to rear you, but she didn’t do away with you. You might not know who your biological father is, but you have been blessed with a heavenly father who has more power than any earthly father could ever have. You might not have had everything material that you believed you should have had, but you have life!

No matter what you have or didn’t have, and no matter what role your mother played or didn’t play in your life, not speaking to her will not solve the problem; it is much deeper than that. At some point, you must make a conscious decision to finally confront and let go of your feelings of hate, disappointment, rejection, animosity, resentment, abandonment anger, bitterness, etc., and decide to forgive your mother, forgive yourself, let go of the mess, and ‘mount up on wings like an eagle.’ Not speaking to your mother actually cheats you of the opportunity to have positive and healthy communication patterns, as well as positive and healthy relationships.

Men, recognize that your mother was your first girlfriend. The relationship you have had or currently have with your mother dictates the relationship you will have or are having with women in your life. How you have treated or how you are treating your mother is indicative of how you will treat or are treating other women. And women, your relationship with your mother is definitely an indication of the relationship you will have with your girlfriends and eventually your own daughter. And if you can’t relate to your mother, you will have difficulty relating to other women and most certainly relating to men. If you can’t relate to someone just like you, how do you expect to relate to someone who is the opposite of you? Not speaking to your mother will not solve the problem…you must be the bigger person and work to solve it!

No, you can’t go back and capture the healthy and positive relationship that you lost or never had with your mother. However, you can look at today as being the first step toward the next steps for you to move toward a healthy and positive relationship with your mother, not based on the past, but based on the here-and-now. One of you has to start the process by speaking to the other. In all actuality, your mother might truly believe she has done nothing wrong. That’s okay. Whether she did or didn’t, you can’t worry about where she is with the problems that have contributed to you all not speaking; you must take responsibility for where you are, in an effort for you all to move forward!

Mother’s Day can serve as the day that you finally decide to forgive your mother and let go of all the negative, self-inhibiting, and life-prohibiting emotions that you have allowed to block your upward climb in life. Mother’s Day is also an opportunity for you to free yourself and to free your mother by going through the process of forgiving and letting go. Remember, Mother’s Day is 365 days of the year! Therefore, any day can serve as a forgiveness day!!

Why should you give your mother another chance, let go of the mess, forgive her, and start speaking to her again?

·      Life is too short to hold onto mess!

·      She gave birth to you, carrying you for nine months, going through the pains of labor and death!

·      Your mother is human just like you and she has made and will continue to make mistakes, just like you!

·      Your mother isn’t perfect…neither are you. She will fall, falter, and fail…just like you!

·      You want and expect forgiveness, you should want to and expect to forgive your mother. It just happens to be the right thing to do!  

·      What you want from your mother you might never get…whatever it is. She either doesn’t have it to give or doesn’t know how to give it to you…whatever IT is!

·      Sometimes your mother might not be your problem…YOU MIGHT JUST BE YOUR PROBLEM!

·      There is only one time around and no one has come back to share with you about the time that no longer exists!

·      The other side is NOT your reality. Rarely is the grass greener on the other side. You are not the only one in a contentious or negative situation with your mother. However, you have an opportunity to fix it!

·      You need to get over it and move on!

·      You need to forgive and let go; this is what God wants you to do and expects of you!

·      You are not alone and there is professional help for you…a psychotherapist can help!

·      You have NOTHING to lose by forgiving, speaking, and talking.

·      You gain your mother, you regain you, and you might just gain the world!!!

©2016; J.Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570;

Saturday, April 2, 2016

When People Tell You & Show You Who They Are, Believe Them!

This blog is dedicated in memory of twenty-two year-old Jana Watson, high school best friend of my granddaughter, Gabrielle Moore. Jana lost her life to gun violence two weeks ago. Although gone from the physical presence of this earth, her spirit lives forever within our hearts! We love you Jana!

Too often as human beings, we engage in relationships that we believe are destined to last forever and a day, or we engage in situations we hope will one day/some day become true, positive, and healthy relationships. But many times, even when we see the handwriting on the wall, red flags all around us, and our mate, friends, family members or others shows us or tell us who they really are, we refute their truths and their realities for our own fallacies.

I am sure you have heard the adage, ‘I can show you better than I can tell you.’ There have been times when you have had your mate, your friends, family members, children, and others whom you care about to say some mean and disrespectful things to you. They spew words of hatred, threats of death, and words of discouragement, instead of words of encouragement. They often attempt to deflate you in their efforts to inflate themselves. Sadly, you don’t believe their words and their actions; you love them. You believe they are ‘just having a bad day,’ just going through a phase, somehow you or someone else has provoked their negative words, and you hope and pray for change. You honestly believe that things will get better and your loved one’s words and actions will become nicer and better.

The problem is, when someone is telling you with their words how they feel about you and how they see you, BELIEVE THEM! Negative words and name-calling are the first signs of things worse to come. Abuse usually starts with words, and words then escalate and manifest into physical violence. However, you must learn when it is time to take the verbal abuse, negative comments, and name-calling seriously. You have to come to grips with what is being said as an indication of what will probably be done next.

As always, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE! What re they doing to change their behaviors? Did they go for therapy or are they going to therapy…real therapy with a licensed mental health professional? Are they or did they go to therapy because they believed that they needed help? Or, was the therapy an escapade or a ploy to keep you with them or for you to come back to them?

Although you have moved into the spring season, weathered the wiles of winter, sprung into the warmth of sunshine, and you are now beholding the beauty of flowers blooming, it seems as if you are stuck with the negativity associated wit winter. I know that on many occasions you have used the winter season to hide behind as an excuse for you to leave negative relationships and negative situations.
Even though the spring season dictates that you move beyond the clutches of winter’s cold, there are many of you who seem to miss the dormant and seemingly intimate state of winter. As a matter of fact, you are not ready to move forward and awaken to a new day and a new time, leaving some things, some people, and some relationships behind…in the darkness and cold of winter.

Isn’t it amazing how often you have been presented with new opportunities, new relationships, new situations, and yet you have chosen to return to the old, dormant, dark, and sometimes toxic, negative, and detrimental experiences of your winter existence? You believe the people and the situation have changed.  You seem fearful of moving on from situations and people who have not been good for you or good to you.

As a matter of fact, there have been times when you have actually sprung out of a bad or negative relationship or situation, but you have had a seemingly deep urge and need to return to the situation, not realizing that you are finally free. And many of you, especially women, have finally moved away, freed yourself of that negative relationship or negative situation, and left behind the truth about your former abusive mate, negative family members, toxic friend, and others. But somehow, you go back to pick up your favorite something that you left. 

There comes a time that you must realize that you should not return to the failed relationship or failed situation. Your mate, your family members, friends, and others have not only told you who they are, but they have also shown you who they are. And the reality is that they are not good for you! It is time for you to let go, relinquish material things, move forward, and in many cases move away from your physical space. 

At some point, you will come to accept that because your relationship or situation failed, it doesn’t mean that you have failed. Going back to a failed relationship or failed situation can mean your demise or your death. It is time for you to believe what you heard, believe what you saw, and believe that you deserve better. It is time for you to become empowered, move forward, move on, and not move back!

There are signs that you must recognize in deciding that you shouldn’t return to a failed relationship or failed situation. If you leave your purse, your favorite shoes, your pet, your car, or any other personal items, remember, it isn’t worth it to go back and retrieve…your life is more important! There is only one time around. No one has ever left this earth and returned.

Keep moving forward, don’t turn back, and don’t look back! There are people who love you and want you in their lives. Relationships with men and women are like buses…miss one and catch another one! Also, remember, God has a plan for your life. You cannot achieve His plan and walk in your destiny if you no longer exist! “When People Tell You & Show You Who They are, Believe Them!”

Ten Signs that You Should Not Return to a Failed Relationship or Failed Situation

1.        You ended the relationship/situationthere was no mutual dissolution of the relationship/situation. Men often live with pride, they hate rejection, often can’t stand to lose, and they don’t forgive or forget as easily. Going back might mean you will pay a dire price for a debt you don’t owe.

2.        There is no agreed separation agenda between the parties involved. If there is no agreed plan or goals for a separation, there is no commitment to resolve the situation and rectify what was wrong in the relationship for you all to come back together.

3.        The relationship/situation ended negatively—violently, with anger, contempt, abuse, rage, or the relationship/situation was always tumultuous. Why go back into something that has a track record of causing you emotional, psychological, and emotional pain? It will only get worse!

4.        You/he/she have difficulty dealing with rejection, jealousy, anger, control, fear, possessiveness, obsession/possessiveness, etc. A jealous or fearful person is a dangerous person. Because of their real or imagined fear, they will create stories and scenarios that might or might not be true, causing them to react violently. And women, if you are going to leave a negative relationship/situation, JUST LEAVE! Stop threatening to leave and stop using the threat of you leaving as a way of hoping the man will change his behaviors; it often does not work! (See #1)

5.        There are/were weapons involved or possessed, emotional instability, anger, disrespect. An angry person who is abusive is a dangerous person with a weapon. The fact that he/she has a weapon means that he/she will probably use it!  Just because you slept with him/her and/or lived with him/her, doesn’t mean you truly know him/her! Don’t delay and don’t play; this is serious!

6.        No real time has lapsed since the breakup…there is a rush to go back to a situation with unresolved issues. You just broke up and you are ready to rush back. What has he/she done since the last hateful word, negative name calling, slap, kick, or beat down, to make you believe that he/she is any different form the time you left?

7.        You/he/she can’t seem to move forward. You/he/she holds grudges, is obsessed with him/her, or the situation. Getting back together is for you or him/her/them to get back at each other…there is a plan to retaliate- JAMES BROWN—the Big Pay Back. You should never return to a failed relationship/situation just to get back at someone. And even more so, you shouldn’t return for that person to probably get back at you.

8.        You have no proof/evidence that the person(s) you ended the relationship/situation with has engaged in an in-depth process of receiving professional services to ensure behavioral, emotional, and attitudinal change since the breakup. You have no evidence that he/she has done or IS DOING anything different to ensure that he/she/they are not in the same place/space he/she/they were when the breakup occurred. PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE…they GROW!

9.        You/he/she/they have not undergone a process of forgiving yourself and a process of forgiving the person(s) you were involved in the relationship/situation with. He/she/they have not forgiven themselves and they will not forgive you for leaving. Sadly, too many men (not all) will make you pay for what they thought you did to them. An unforgiving person can never be trusted and they can be dangerous, to the detriment of you and your family.

10.     You are being led back by your heart and mot by your head-BY FEAR & EMOTIONS, NOT BY FACTS your reality, and the reality of the relationship/situation that precipitated the breakup…you are in DENIAL…you rationalize the situation—you avoid signs of DANGER! He/she told you & showed you who he/she is…BELIEVE IT!

©2016; J.MorleyProductions, Inc; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570;