Saturday, February 6, 2016

Not Putting Up with Your Mess Doesn’t Mean Loving You Any Less

Happy Valentine’s ‘YEAR’ to those of you who dare to love, those of you who are in love, those of you who had love and lost love, those of you who accept love, and those of you who are still looking for love! If you have not been targeted by Cupid’s arrow, don’t give up…keep trying. But then you don’t have to look too far for love; the power of love within you is greater than any love you could ever receive from others. Your love for you attracts the love of, to, and from others.

We often talk about love. However, in order for you to truly possess love and engage in love, it is imperative for you to first define love. It is important to recognize that love entails action, not just an attraction, and it does not grow through adverse reactions. Love should be a reciprocated process, and not a one-way emotional encounter. It is more of what you do and how you do what you do for yourself and those you love, rather than what you say. Love is more than lip service. As a matter of fact, love is not hip service; it emanates from the top within, not from the bottom going out. It is not sex, nor is it sexual intercourse.  As a matter of fact, love is YOU!

Love has no boundaries and it should be unconditional, EXCEPT when it causes you continuous hurt, harm, or danger. Al Green once sang, “Love Will Make You Do Right, Love Will Make You Do Wrong.” However, if you and your mate, you and your children, you and your parents, you and other family members, and you and your friends, truly love each other, love should always make you want to do right. Now, there will be times when even though there is true love, wrong will occur. However, forgiveness can open the door for right to return. When love becomes a bunch of continuous mess and stress, it is no longer true and a fool gets tired.

  It is important to know the difference between true love, which demonstrates caring and sharing, and perpetrated love that is for someone else’s convenience and your inconvenience.  True love does not allow for competition, power or control. It epitomizes God’s creation of taking the rib from Adam’s side, to create Eve. This love connotes standing side-by-side…having each other’s back, whether it’s your mate, your children, other family members, or your friends..

I know that many of you are probably saying, ‘But I was never taught about love or shown love as a child.’ Even though that might be the case, you can learn to love. It is time for you to stop blaming your situation and your circumstances for the love you did not receive and decide what you are going to do about finding your inner love, as well as how you can share love with others.

It is time for you to recognize that by being made in the image of God, you are already endowed with love.  As a matter of fact, YOU are love! Since YOU are love, you are also entitled to true love from others. The problem is that you seem to continue to look for love on the outside, and you have never recognized, accepted, and fully actualized the love you have on the inside.
When you look for love externally, instead of reaching deep down inside of you internally, you will find yourself letting the wrong people into your life. You will find yourself allowing the people you love, including your mate, your children, your parents, other family members, as well as your friends, to begin to misuse and abuse you. You become selfless and boundariless, living a life without balance. Without boundaries and balance, you will not and you cannot fully exist.  When you operate without self-love, it is virtually impossible for you to love anyone else.

As humans, we often become so desperate for love that we wind up accepting less than honorable and loving treatment from those we allow into our lives. It is guaranteed that when you accept less, you will most certainly entertain and accept others’ mess. This includes the mess from your mate, your children, your parents, other family members, and your friends. Just because you love someone or are in love with someone, it doesn’t mean that you have to put up with his/her mess, allowing yourself to be stressed as a result of the mess!

You must emphatically exclaim to all of those you love and those who claim they love you, that misuse and abuse will not be tolerated! If love is in it, you should expect them to show you that they mean it, through their deeds and actions! To answer Tina Turner’s question, “What’s Love Got to Do with It?”…EVERYTHING!!

At some point, you must come to have high expectations of those who claim to love you, as well as those whom you extend love to. Not only should you have high expectations, you should also hold your loved ones accountable and implement consistent boundaries. They might not love you like you love them, but they must respect you.

Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to allow them to step on you, step over you, flip your emotions like a light switch, walk on you like a doormat, or turn you like a door knob. Loving someone means that because you love you, and because you respect you, you expect the same from him or her! This includes your mate, your children, your parents, other family members, and your friends.

You cannot make anybody love you! Stop trying to hold people hostage who keep giving you their ass to kiss, who keep disrespecting you, who continuously lie to you, who take you for granted, and take advantage of you! In other words, stop living in denial and stop trying to change people and force them to love you! How many times do I have to remind you…PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE??? They GROW, through having awareness, insight, and understanding. It is time for you to stop letting people take up space in your head and in your heart, who aren’t paying you rent!

Accepting name-calling, threats, stalking, instead of talking, power struggles, control, and downright mess, will not produce love. You don’t have to take it, and you shouldn’t fake it…not any more. If you are not being touched with hands of love, but with fists of fear and anger, you are putting up with mess! Let the mess go and let the stress go. As a matter of fact, you can still have feelings for someone and decide to no longer put up with their mess and relieve your stress. You can love him/her from afar. You want to be used, but not misused!

When does enough become enough? When do you become sick and tired or being sick and tired? Aren’t you tired of the negativity, the infiltrators, the triangulation, the affairs, the excessive alcohol use/abuse, the drugs, the gambling, the sexual addiction, as well as the external influences? If you are, it is past time for you to end the strain and drain on your emotions, your spirituality, your physical state, and sometimes your economic stability, by people who don’t really give a damn about you! They perpetrate a fraud by telling you they love you, but show you something entirely different. They tell you what you want to hear and not what is true. It is not for your benefit, but for their benefit. There is a real incongruence between what they say, what they show, and the emotions they share with you.

Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean you have to put up with his/her mess. But also understand that people, who truly love you, also don’t have to put up with your mess!  Here’s how you can deal with loving others and not dealing with their mess. You can let them know that, “Not Putting Up with Their Mess Doesn’t Mean You Love Them Less.”

  • Next to God, love yourself first and don’t be afraid to show it to the ones you love
  • Decide that love has EVERYTHING to do with it—love for you and respect for you, as you love and respect others
  • Hold your loved ones accountable and stop making excuses for their disrespectful, negative, and abusive behaviors
  • Establish rules and boundaries…how long do you play the fool with your mate, children, parents, other family members, friends, and others
  • Decide what are the DEAL BREAKERS
  • Decide how much more you can take
  • Decide how much you are willing to take
  • Decide when enough is enough
  • Let people know that your butt is on the bottom and backside of your body and not on your face
  • Decide that you will no longer compromise your emotional, spiritual, physical, and economic health with mess and stress
  • Ensure your safety—Talk with a trusted individual or mental health therapist
  • Decide you will no longer share or give your love, time, and life to mess, and no longer live in or with stress
  • Recognize you have moved past any tests, allowing you to do your best; deciding to rid yourself of pests
  • Make the decision to cut your losses—either there is positive change in the house and positive change away from the negative, messy people/relationships, or someone has to leave…EVEN IF IT’S YOU!
  • Once again, ensure your safety—Talk with a trusted individual or mental health therapist
  • Learn and practice love from afar for those who operate in mess

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