Saturday, March 2, 2019

Having Your Back Doesn’t Mean You Turning it to My Front

If you are anything like me, TRUE friendships are greatly valued. I don’t take my friendships lightly. My friends having my back and having the backs of my friends is important. I am sure that like me, you have had people in your life, male and female, who purported to be your friend. You had probably known them for an expansive time period, and you were comfortable with them, because it seemed as if they had proven themselves to you. As a matter of fact, you trusted them and believed they saw you as you saw them…as TRUE friends.

Sadly, at some point, you had to come to recognize that not all people value and respect you and others the way you value and respect them, as well as others. Also, you had to come to realize that not all people you encounter are friends. Some people get with you as a matter of convenience (a situation), as opposed to a commitment (a relationship). The person with whom you engage with in a situation will turn the same back you supported, to your front. In other words, they will betray you and give you their ass to kiss. Now that’s not everyone, but one betrayer is too many. It’s imperative that you take the time to use discretion as to whom you will let into your life and whom you will support. Remember, the way you start a relationship is the way it will end. As Maya Angelou once stated, ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’

Betrayal is a very difficult force to reckon with, especially when it is thrust upon you by someone you have shared your time, your energy, your secrets, your family, your emotions, your heart, your bed, your body, your soul, some times your money, but most of all, your life! Betrayal is a violation of trust. It knocks the wind out of you, as you try to reason with yourself and come to grips with the reality that someone you invested in no longer is an asset, but is now a liability. And then you begin to wonder what could you have possibly done to deserve this person whom you genuinely cared about, turning their back on you, instead of having your back and you having theirs. In other words, he/she gave you his/her ass to kiss after you covered it and protected them!

I am sure you can remember the people, who stopped speaking to you, stopped engaging with you, lied on you, and talked negatively about you, without rhyme or reason. You had their back time after time and you kept their secrets, no matter how much mess they brought to you. And on many occasions, if there was someone who should have engaged in a betrayal against the betrayer, it was you. But betrayal is not a part of your character. TRUE friendships mean a lot to you; you value them and you believe in helping people up, rather than holding them down. Unfortunately, too many people don’t have the same beliefs.

But wait a minute, it’s not just your friends who turn their backs on you and give you their ass to kiss after you have stood for them, with them and by them; your mate, your children, your siblings, family members, coworkers, and others also fit the betrayer mold. It is hard, and you are not afforded an opportunity to speak with them to gain an understanding and/or some modicum of clarification as to why the back you had for so long held and protected, has now been turned to your front. And then, although you are the person who was betrayed, the betrayer had the audacity to treat you as if you have done something wrong, and they refused to be honest and open with you about what really took place.

I know you probably would like to have all friendships and all relationships with others last for a lifetime. However, as I wrote about in my book, “Seeds for the Harvest of a Lifetime: Increasing Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem & Improving Relationships,” everyone is not in your life forever, even some family members. Some people are in your life to serve as couriers. They are there to drop a word, participate in an event, illuminate for the day and then move on. Others are in your life as short-term parkers. They are placed in your life to help you or for you to help them for a day or a night, but only for a short period of time. They are like parking meters; their time expires. You have to decide whether you are going to keep putting your time, money, and feelings into expired meters. On the other hand, there are monthly parkers, who are placed in your life to assist with a project or longer event, but their term in your life also expires. Finally, there are the lifers, whose time expires with death, and they truly have your back as you have theirs; nothing can tear you all apart. However, some times you tend to reject the lifers and hold on to the couriers, short-term parkers, and monthly parkers. They will eventually turn their back to your front and give you their ass to kiss.

It is important for you to sharpen and renew your spirit of discernment or gain a spirit of discernment. You can’t keep trying to hold onto everyone who enters your life. And beyond you trying to hold onto them, you must be able to discern those who are genuine from those who are disingenuous. You must begin to establish clear and consistent boundaries. You must also get to know the agenda of the people whose backs you support, come hell or high water. 

Some people are leeches; there to suck everything they can for themselves from you, and you get nothing in return. There are probably some people in your life that you don’t need in your life. You have had their back, but the same has not been reciprocated to you. Sure, everybody does play the fool sometime, but no one should play the fool all the time. It is time for you to take inventory of your relationships with your friends, your mate, your children, your family members, your coworkers, and others. And if you keep getting the short end of the stick, the common factor is YOU! What are you going to do about it?

What are you missing and what are you looking for that keeps you allowing people to give you their ass to kiss after you have had their back, and sometimes while you are still holding their back? There are some people who just don’t value other people and they take and take without ever giving. And when they finish getting what they can from you, they then take that same back you have supported, protected, and held, by turning it to your front.

Although you can’t go back and fix the situation with the many people who have betrayed you, and you shouldn’t go back, you can move forward. These people are usually heartless and cold, dying on the inside, lonely, and desperate. However, they are always seeking the next person to betray and they move on. They probably don’t even remember your name; people really don’t matter to them. What would be the benefit of you seeking them out and going back? You can finally forgive them and move on. You can’t keep letting these ‘back turners’ control your emotions, your thoughts, and your life directions. After all, they gave you nothing but their ass to kiss; why are you still allowing them to take up space in your heart and your head, and they are not paying for it? I guarantee you that you are not the first person who stood with them, stood up for them, and stood by them, who was given their ass to kiss; that’s just who they are. Let them go! Take stock of where you are and where you are going, as you document the lessons learned from these unappreciative people, in order for you to not keep playing the role of the fool. 

Take some time to begin to evaluate the people in your life. Be honest with yourself about those who have given you and keep giving you their ass to kiss while you continue to support them. It is time for you to remove them from your life. And if any of these people happen to be your mate, your children, or other family members, it is time for you to assess the reason you keep allowing the mess and the stress in your life. Discuss with them, using your “I” messages, what you will and won’t tolerate. You can also give them an ultimatum and a timeframe to make changes as to how you are treated. If they are not willing to make changes in how they are treating you, you have a decision to make about the relationship, if it is truly one at all. If you are unable to move forward with clearly defined boundaries or clean these people out of your life on your own, get with a licensed mental health professional to help you. 
  
In your assessment, don’t forget about those genuine and true people who have had your back, as well as those who continue to have your back. Let those wonderful souls know that they rise to the top in your life. Also let them know how much you appreciate them, value them, and love them. From this day forward, it is imperative that you are clear about whom you let into your life, as well as whose back you will have. Be reminded and remind those people the importance of remembering what “I got your back” truly means. Also remember, nine times out of ten, if a person turns their back to your front by giving you their ass to kiss once, including your mate, your children, and other family members, they will probably do it again. It is time for you to express to them, “Having Your Back Doesn’t Mean You Turning it to My Front!” I am not an ass kisser!


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