More and more, violence and abuse against
women are occurring at an alarming rate in the United States. According to the
CDC, one out of three women is abused in domestic relationships and one out of
ten men are abused. Whatever the figures, abuse is NEVER okay in any
relationship!
You
have probably heard quite a bit about the admitted abuse by Ray Rice, NFL
running back for the Baltimore Ravens, against his then fiancée, Janay Palmer.
Sadly and unfortunately, many people (including a preponderance of men) believe
that the abuse lodged by Ray against Janay was right, appropriate, and ‘the way
men should treat women who don’t know when to keep their mouths shut,’ or women
who ‘can’t be controlled.’ Ironically,
the NFL seems to agree with these supporters of abuse and violence against women by men, with their meager two game
suspension of Ray.
The negative comments made about
African-American women in response to Janay’s abuse by Ray have been even more
distasteful and downright disgusting. To add insult to injury, African-American
men whose mothers and sisters are African-American, have made many of these
disparaging comments.
There should be no situation that warrants
any type of violence or abuse against another. If the relationship is not in
your best interest or it becomes toxic, you must recognize that you have a
choice and you have options. If you are being abused, you can choose to continue
to drink from the abuse bottle with the skull and crossbones, or you can demand
changes in how you are being treated. And if you are not being treated the way
you believe you should be treated, like the human being, man or woman that you
are…you have options, and one of the options is to end the relationship or
situation.
Women, the longer you stay in an abusive
situation, the weaker you become. Staying stuck in the mud of abuse does not
make your relationship stronger. All you are doing is enabling your abuser and
engaging in codependent behaviors with him.
It’s time for you to stop blaming
yourself for being abused and stop making excuses for his abusive behaviors. ‘I
should have been quiet’; ‘I made him angry’; ‘it’s all my fault’; ‘he was
drinking’; ‘the kids were making too much noise’; ‘I made him do it.’ You are
in denial…Don’t Even kNow
It’s All A Lie! You want him to man up? WHY DON’T YOU WOMAN UP and stop
participating in the madness and cancel your membership in the club of
insanity! He won’t and he doesn’t love you any more because you are his
punching bag, physically, verbally, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. As
a matter of fact, he doesn’t love you at all; if he ever did!
Men, it is time for you to take a stand
against abuse of any kind, especially abuse against women. Just as there were
men (and a few women) who condoned Ray Rice’s abuse of Janay, there were many
men who condemned his behavior. I commend you! To those men who stood or stand
against abuse and domestic violence against women, kudos to you. Always
remember, your mother was/is a woman. When you show disrespect and hatred
toward the woman you sleep with, you are showing an extension of disrespect and
hatred to and for the woman who carried you for nine months and made the
decision to bring you into this world. Even if she did not rear you, she gave
you life. Either way, whatever happened between you and your mother, it’s not
your mate’s fault or her responsibility to take the blame for or to try to fix
the situation. Get some professional help and get over it!
Abuse has been used as a form of control
for too long. When you come to realize that the only person you have control
over is yourself, you will stop trying to control others. And not having things
go your way in your relationship doesn’t give you permission or the right to
abuse your mate in any way. Being a man of physical strength doesn’t make you
stronger when you abuse women. As a matter of fact, as an abuser, you display
your weaknesses. Here is your opportunity to STAND UP AND MAN UP! Stop the violence and stop abusing your mate
and other women! And if you are not an abuser, take a stand against abuse by
calling your boys our when they engage in abusive behaviors. Let them see how
big you truly are. Model for the abuser what being strong is rally like!
To the women who raise your hands against
your mates, and hurt with your words, because you feel emotionally bankrupt and
don’t believe you can harm with your hands (which is not an option), there is
no right in your wrong actions and violence and abuse have never healed hurt or
mended a broken heart. Self-love is the start and love toward others is the
next step. When you come to love yourself, you will see that you don’t have to
fight in order to be loved. Love attracts love! Hurt people hurt!
As men and women, you must come to
recognize that hands are made for holding and helping; they were never made for
hitting or hurting! Further, if you expect dignity ad respect from your
children, it is time for you to model these characteristics for them. Abuse and
violence are learned behaviors, especially against women. You can then throw
out the old adage, ‘do as I say and not as I do.’ You should be congruent in
what you say and what you do…stop trying to control your mate and others with
your abuse and violence. Don’t be afraid to speak out against such destructive
behaviors!
Doormats are made for walking on…NOT
PEOPLE. Light switches are made for flicking on and off…NOT PEOPLE. Doorknobs
are made for turning…NOT PEOPLE. Drums are made for beating on…NOT PEOPLE!
Clearly, if you are an abuser or you use violence to control your
relationships, you have much deeper problems than you know or are willing to
admit! If you are constantly submitting yourself to abuse, as a man or woman,
you also have deep problems within yourself. For both the abuser and the
abused, self-esteem is a serious issue, but it is never an excuse for abuse, as
a giver or receiver!
Recognize
that there are many forms of abuse. Here is your opportunity to become aware of
them, gain insight about them, understand them, and take a stand against them!
·
Domestic
abuse/violence—Abuse and violence committed against your mate in order
for you to control him/her. More often than not, domestic abuse/violence is
committed by men against women and children. Domestic violence usually
encompasses all of the abuses below, but focuses more on physical abuse. It
occurs in cycles. He beats the hell out of you and then he wants to have sex,
after he has beaten you, cursed you, called you names, and given you a false
apology, cried, begged for your forgiveness, and made you believe everything is
alright…until the next time; the next out break of abuse. During domestic
abuse/violence, more women are killed by physical violence, including guns.
·
Economic
abuse--Stripping your mate of financial means for her to effectively
care for herself and the children. Withholding credit cards, taking money from bank
accounts to deny her access; forcing her and the children out of the home,
especially after a divorce; depriving your mate of the basic needs for daily
survival, causing her to struggle to stay afloat and to get ahead in life
through financial and material means and needs
·
Emotional
abuse—Saying or doing things to and/or against your mate, which affect
his/her mood; it’s tugging at his/her heart, bringing sadness and tears; deflating
him/her, causing low emotions, depressed moods, stress, and distraught. Usually
coupled with other forms of abuse, physical, verbal, spiritual, etc.
Financial
abuse—Withholding money in order to deflate and/or control your mate
and cause dependency on you for survival. Forcing your mate to give you money
or forcibly taking money from your mate, rending her financially impaired or
devastated.
· Physical
abuse—Violence and abuse on your mate’s body by beating, hitting,
shoving, slapping, cutting, scratching, or any other form of physical harm.
This harm can be done with your hand, fist, or other material instruments or
weapons.
· Psychological
abuse—Affecting the mind of your mate through physical, emotional,
spiritual, and other forms of abuse. Your mate begins to believe she is ‘going
crazy,’ with erratic thinking, confusion, forgetfulness, distress, etc.
·
Social
abuse—Using verbal, physical and/or spiritual forms of abuse to
embarrass your mate in front of others, in public, or through social media;
denigrating her in public; putting her down in front of others, especially at
parties or other social engagements.
· Spiritual
abuse—Using the Bible and spiritual approaches to control your mate.
Making him/her believe that he/she is headed for damnation; quoting scriptures
to embarrass your mate, embarrassing in front of church members, having a Bible
in your hands while having horns on your head and a tail sticking out of your
behind. Making yourself seem self-righteous, while condemning your mate. Using your spiritual leader to ‘tell on your
mate.’
·
Verbal
abuse—Using your words to hurt your mate; entails name-calling, yelling
& screaming, cursing, abusive language, denigrating, and embarrassing in
front of others with words; using put downs, deflating your mate as you inflate
yourself. Public humiliation and ridicule with your words; can also be done by
phone, emails, or other forms of social media.
For
your sake and the sake of your children, remember, abuse and violence kills!
Women, if there is a way in, there is always a way out…you must be ready to see
it. You also must begin to love yourself, accept yourself, and above all
respect yourself. And don’t be afraid to get therapy to help yourself. When the
situation is too rough and too toxic, don’t feel embarrassed about the abuse,
reach out to family and friends to help you to get out of the situation. If you
don’t see a door, find a window!
Never
stay in an abusive and violent relationship ‘for the children.’ This is an
unhealthy situation. Your children are better off in a healthy home with one
parent, rather than in an unhealthy house with two parents; one abusive and
violent and the other afraid. Men, you are more likely to kill your mate, your
children, other family members, and yourself, in order to control and seek
revenge, or because you believe you have lost control somewhere along the way.
And guess what? You blame everyone except you for your problems, especially
your mate and your children! Just leave;
everyone deserves to live. It’s okay for you to get some help to deal with your
pain!
Women,
you are more likely to kill yourself and sometimes your children in order to
escape the control, the abuse, and the violence, and the pain. You see no way
out and you have often lost hope and
been isolated from family and friends. There is hope, and there is a light at
the end of the tunnel. Run…and run as fast as you can to save yourself and your
children. Get some professional help for you and your children. Abused children
can become adult abusers.
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE
THEM!! You can live with someone and still not truly know him/her. It is better
to live with embarrassment than it is to not live at all!! There is help for
you!
Resources:
Morley
& Associate, Inc.-Individual, marriage, and family psychotherapy.
770-808-657o; www.doctorjoyce.com
The
Women’s Resource Center Crisis Line--404-688-9436 The Center reads the names of
women in Georgia who have died since 1990
due to domestic violence during domestic violence month in October, in the
Decatur Square
Men
Stopping Violence—404-270-9894 Program for men engaged in domestic abuse and
violence.
National
Domestic Violence Hotline—1-800-79-SAFE (1-800-797-7233—1-800-787-3224-TTY)
