I am sure that you want to have a healthy relationship with a significant other. As a matter of fact, you probably want to be loved by someone special and to share love with that special someone. However, until you learn to love you, you will have difficulty sharing and receiving love with and from others. In other words, you will be emotionally crippled, rendering you incapable of freely loving others. As the Isley Brothers once sang, “Love the One You’re with.” That person is YOU!
Becoming engaged in a healthy relationship doesn’t start with others; it starts with you. You must take the opportunity to freely love yourself unconditionally. In all actuality, you will have difficulty having, engaging in, maintaining, and enjoying healthy relationships until you can live in and enjoy the freedom of self-love. If you don’t love you, how in the world do you expect someone else to love you?!
Isn’t it amazing how much you want to give and share love with others? And you wonder why it seems as if whenever you find that special someone to love, the relationship doesn’t work out. Although you pour your heart, your soul, and your very being into the relationship, it seems to always end in failure. You’ll often find that the failure of your efforts to have, hold, and maintain a healthy and loving relationship is basically because of your seeming inability to love you first. As a matter of fact, there are many of you who not only don’t love yourself; you don’t even like yourself! You can’t stand to see yourself in the mirror and you even despise being with you!
Until you learn to unselfishly (and sometimes selfishly) like yourself and love yourself, you will continue to have difficulty liking, loving, and accepting others. And if you don’t see your inner beauty when you look in the mirror, or you don’t want to be with you, how do you expect others will see and accept your beauty or want to be with you?
If you don’t hold yourself in high esteem, because of your low self-esteem, others will not hold you in esteem. You must come to see your own value, self-worth, and benefit to self and others. This doesn’t mean that you have to be vain, cocky, arrogant, or egotistical. However, it does mean that you are confident in the person you are, loving every pound; no matter how many pounds you carry. It means that you see yourself as a one-of-a-kind wonder created by God. You are no fake and you don’t have to perpetrate a fraud. As a matter of fact, you are the REAL deal!!! It means that you can proudly claim, ‘I AM SOMEBODY ‘CAUSE GOD DOESN’T MAKE JUNK!’
In order for you to move from self-hatred to self-love, you must first gain awareness as to how you really feel about yourself, as well as why you feel the way you do about you. Often, when you don’t love you, you put yourself in danger. You don’t believe you deserve the best; you sabotage opportunities and healthy relationships; and you engage in unhealthy situations and unhealthy relationships. As a matter of fact, you put everyone else above you; everyone matters but you!
Although you are constantly seeking a sense of belongingness from others, you won’t be able to feel as if you truly belong to and with others, until you accept yourself and gain an affinity toward yourself. You will find yourself growing through the process of self-awareness, by discovering and admitting how you feel about yourself.
Your self-awareness will then allow you to gain insight into your feelings toward yourself, as well as who you are, what you desire, and what makes you tick. Gaining insight will broaden your self-knowledge and show that you are no longer willing to avoid getting closer to you. As a matter of fact, it forces you to spend quality time with you. The better you know you, the greater your fondness and love for you.
Once you have gained an awareness and insight about who you are, how you feel about you, and why you feel the way you do about you, it is time for you to move to greater levels of understanding bout you. You must begin to look in your various life drawers in order to recognize, face, and confront issues that have plagued you and prohibited you from loving you. It’s time for you to stop compartmentalizing issues, situations, and circumstances in your life, and deal with them.
As you continue along your journey of achieving self-love, you must rid yourself of the mess and the stress that has plagued your life. In order to do this, you must forgive yourself. You won’t be the first nor the last person who has fallen, faltered, or failed. You must stop blaming yourself, disliking yourself, and on many occasions, hating yourself. For what you did or didn’t do in life. This stuff is in your PAST and you have PASSED the unpleasant times in your life. Get over it and move on!!!
Until you learn to truly forgive yourself, letting go of the falls, falters, and failures of your life, you will continue to have difficulty allowing others to love you and accept you, just as you are! Once you forgive yourself, you will then forfeit your negative behaviors of self-sabotaging and begin to believe that you not only deserve love, you deserve the best!
You must stop looking on the outside to fix your inside. Stop allowing society to provide the love measurement gauge, which you use in order to determine your love for you. Recognize that not everyone wants you to experience happiness…self-love is the first step to happiness. Therefore, you must begin to clean your life house of people, situations, and circumstances that no longer fit in your life. That man or that woman is either an asset or a liability in your life. If your mate, your friends, and family members aren’t rallying with you to love you, they are rallying against you to love them. God is the only one in the center of your life circle with you. You must begin to place people on the right levels of your life circle.
You are now well on your way to loving yourself or to increasing the love you have for yourself, unselfishly, unconditionally, without shame, guilt, or regrets. It is time for you to love you the way God loves you…UNCONDITIONALLY!
Take Out Your Pen & Paper
1. List the negative feelings you are now aware of, that have kept you from loving you. Now that you are aware of the negative feelings you have toward you, you can change them by stating aloud on a daily basis, the opposite of the negative feeling. ‘Angry-Calm’; “Sad-Happy’; ‘Ugly-Beautiful’ Instead of saying ‘I am angry,’ say ‘I AM CALM!’ ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL!’ ‘I AM WORTHY!’ ‘I AM VALUABLE!’ USE THE POWER OF ‘I AM!’ The statement you use after ‘I AM,’ will dictate how and whom you are, as well as how you feel about you. ‘I AM SOMEBODY111’
2. List the top five negative characteristics you have used to keep you from loving you. Develop an action plan to help you to overcome these negative characteristics and strengthen the positive characteristics.
3. List the top five reasons why you don’t like/love you. For each reason, write what you can do and what you are willing to do to overcome these hindrances and obstacles.
4. List the top three to five past negative experiences for which you have not forgiven yourself. Place a large ‘X’ over each experience to mark them inactive. Shred the list and dispose of it in an outside trashcan, without looking back! LET THEM GO!!
5. List the negative liabilities in your life that help contribute to your negative feelings about you (people, situations & circumstances). Decide if any of these liabilities can become assets (or do you want them to become assets), with modification or change. If not, GET RID OF THEM!!
6. Start thinking and positively about yourself and your life on a daily basis. Speak favor and positivity over you and your life. Choose a positive word a day to symbolize your love for you!
7. Celebrate your newfound love for yourself. Buy something special for yourself; go to the movies with you; take a trip with you. Send yourself flowers. Just love yourself!
8. LOOK IN THE MIRROR & SEE THE NEW YOU---LOVING YOU unconditionally and unselfishly!
If you are unable to take this journey to rectify your self-hatred on your own, seek help from a professional coach or mental health professional, who can help you to get the job done! It will show you care about you!!
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