I know that you probably have many reasons as to why you don’t agree with the title of this blog. And it’s not so much the title you disagree with, as it is the premise of what the time means.
As you reflect on the title of this blog, you are probably trying to recount people you know who have “changed.” You are also probably saying, ‘I’ve changed myself.’ Another statement you and others have constantly made when I have discussed this topic during speaking engagements and other public engagements is, ‘God can change people.” Yes, God can do anything! However, we’re talking about people, who have nowhere near the power and capacity of God to make changes.
Not only do I stand by the title of this blog, I firmly believe that after you have read it, and probably before you complete reading it, you will have a greater understanding about the reality of the title and come to believe the truth about the topic. In the final analysis, you will come to see what change really means and realize my premise, which is that people don’t change!
Merriam Webster dictionary defines change as, “to transform; to make radically different; to replace with another.” When leaves ‘change’ colors, they don’t exist any longer; there is a radical transformation. When you say you’re going to change your clothes, they don’t exist any longer; there is a total difference. When you have your mind focused on one thing and then you change what you were originally focused on and focus on something else, you completely let go of what you were thinking and/or believing, replacing it with something else. The same goes for changing schools, changing homes, and changing mates. Once you take on a new one, the old one is gone and there has been a transformation. Your original school, original home, and original mate are now different; they are gone.
There is a great difference when asking people to change. You are actually asking, and sometimes demanding them to become someone else, who is new and enhanced, with the old person gone. And when they can’t do it, you try to do it yourself. Wakeup! It’s all a dream! Sadly, your dream about people changing or you changing them to fit your mold can become a dangerous and fatal game, or a never-ending nightmare. The belief that people change is what causes a lot of you, especially women, to stay in abusive situations that are not genuine relationships. You truly believe that if you make changes in your beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors, that man will also change his negative and abusive behaviors toward you. However, if that man hit you once, he will do it again. As a matter of fact, the abuser has it in his DNA. He may ‘slack off’ in his behavior as a way of controlling you and the situation, but he always has the propensity repeat his negative and abusive behaviors. The misconception that you can make changes to change others has cost many women their life, as well as the lives of their children and other loved ones.
That woman who was a stripper and a cheater when you met her can cease the behavior, but there is always a chance within her that she will strip again, if not at the club, in other places. It’s in her DNA. The mere fact that she chooses to go in that direction or he chooses to cheat on you and to abuse you is evidence that such behaviors are a part of her/his makeup. Once a cheater, always a cheater! He cheated on his wife to be with you. Now he is with you and he still cheats. What made you think he would be different because he is with? People don’t change! Once an abuser, always an abuser! It comes down to a matter of respect; respect for humans, and a respect for males, females, and for differences.
Behaviors of abuse, misuse, cheating, stealing, etc., are all issues of control. The person who needs control is not willing to relinquish the behavior(s) that provide the authority for him/her to remain in control. Why do you think when there is a rape, a murder, a burglary, acts of incest, etc., that the first people law enforcement officials interview are those who committed such crimes before? They know that criminals don’t change; they just become better criminals. They know that the murderer started out as an angry and controlling individual, who probably progressed to lying, stealing, cheating, disrespecting the lives of others, and thinking he/she was God, without recognizing or even considering that he/she did not give life and he/she cannot take it. Law enforcement officials also know that PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE!
And women, you want o pick up the worst looking guy, with no skills, nothing to offer you, no goals, and no direction, in order for you to try to fix him up after you have picked him up, believing he will change, or in other words, that you can change him. Wake up; it’s not going to happen! You keep wondering why you can’t or don’t have healthy relationships. You don’t and won’t have healthy relationships because you keep picking up, entertaining, sustaining, and maintaining situations with unhealthy individuals. He was diseased when you got with him, he will be diseased when you stay with him. You can take him out of his flowered pants and plaid shirt, thinking that after you have picked him up, dressed him up, and fixed him up, he will be a changed man. The hell if he will! The Brooks Brothers suit you dressed him in, along with the Stacey Adams shoes you bought for his feet only heightens the fact that he is still the same man you picked up; he is now just covered up!
Now, I am not saying that people can’t make changes to their behaviors. I believe people grow through having awareness, insight, and understanding. With awareness they can come to see that there is some behavior and/or attitude that is prohibiting them from being able to successfully navigate life’s pipeline to success and happiness. They will have some awareness that their relationships are constantly failing and often toxic, leading to the analysis that something must be done in order to change the situation or relationship around. Awareness allows you to take off the blinders you have been wearing and hiding behind, in order acknowledge that something or some things are not right. It also allows you to move to a level of seeing the emotional impact your attitude, mindset, and behaviors are having on you and others.
Awareness is not enough for you or anyone else to start changing your attitude, your mindset and your behaviors. You will then need to gain some insight as to how your attitude, mindset, and behaviors are negatively affecting and impacting you and others. This insight involves you taking a deeper look and a deeper dive into the impact your negative attitude, your negative and warped thinking, as well as your negative behaviors have had and continue to have on you and others, by interviewing yourself and others about the aforementioned areas. In other words, you will be soliciting feedback from others and being honest with yourself about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. It’s looking back at certain incidents and situations and assessing how and why they failed or did not prosper, based on your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. Insight allows you to move from taking off the blinders experienced when you gained awareness to taking a panoramic view of yourself, in living color. It also allows you to get to the heart of the matter and begin to feel emotions from a different perspective.
In changing your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, after you have gained awareness and insight, you then need understanding. Understanding comes about when the light not only comes on, but it illuminates the reality about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. Understanding is a result of you beginning to have more in-depth conversations about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, with those people who care about you and your wellbeing, including your family and trusted friends. It’s listening to what’s being shared, it’s recognizing and being open to the patterns that have occurred over the years, as well as the ensuing results that have occurred, based on these characteristics.
This understanding is that aha moment, which says, ‘Wow, I got it!’ I now see, I have been enlightened, and I have meaning to my attitude, mindset, and behaviors, as well as the impact they have had on me and on others. Understanding also allows you to have a change of heart, based on the awareness and insight you have gained. Now that you have also gained understanding, it is time for you to make a choice as to whether you want to change your attitude, change your mindset, and change your behaviors.
Choice does bring about change. Change is a process and not an event. The leaves on the trees go through a process of change. When you are changing your clothes you have to select different clothes, prepare them for proper wear, take off the old clothes, and then put on the different clothing.
Now that you have awareness, insight, and understanding about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, you are now ready to choose to make changes in these areas, flipping the script from negative to positive, while reframing your life focus, your life’s framework, and overall life direction. With choosing to change your negative attitude, your negative and warped mindset, as well as your negative behaviors, requires a different vision about yourself and others, a different level of respect for yourself and others, a plan of action with goals, time lines, a maintenance plan, as well as a support system and an accountability partner. Why do you think alcoholics always state, ‘I’m an alcoholic?’ They know that they are one drink away from going back to where they were when they were sloppy drunk, promiscuous, angry, bitter, stealing, and lying individuals. They have grown, but they have not changed. They’re the same people with a different attitude, a different mindset, and different behaviors!
Because of time and space, I am not able to take this discussion any further. There are many more instances and facts that will verify that people don’t change. Hopefully, this blog has helped you to see and understand why I stand by and hold onto my topic and the fact that, “You Change Your Clothes, You Change Your Mind; People Don’t Change!”
You have an opportunity to make changes in your life. You also have the opportunity to choose the right type of people to have in your life, recognizing that what and whom you choose, as well as what and who chooses you, dictates what you will get. Sometimes it’s easy to get with someone, but it’s hard as hell to get away from him/her. People recognize needy, and they recognize a good thing when they find them, no matter how negative they are and how bad they are, they want to step up and be picked up. You have a choice in the matter. Stop ignoring the symptoms of bad and negativity when you see them in people. Learn to look away and sometimes run away. He/she might seem good for the night, but hell for the days, months, and years that follow. And if you have to get with and settle for someone you have to try to change, or that you believe needs to change or be changed, why are you trying to get with them? PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!!
