Saturday, June 1, 2019

Mending Father Relationships: Letting Go of the Past & the Pain

Once again we are in the month of June, preparing to celebrate Father’s Day. Many fathers complain that Father’s Day is often not given the same attention as Mother’s Day. I am sure that many of you as fathers also feel and believe that Mother’s Day is overrated, and that Father’s Day is underrated. If that is the case, you have to begin to ask yourself why?

You really have to come to grips with the fact that in our society, mothers are viewed as and expected to be the primary caretakers and primary educators of their children. Men are socialized to be selfish, while women are socialized to be selfless. Father’s are given permission to abdicate their roles as fathers, abandon their children, and not be held holistically responsible for the health, welfare, safety, and very existence of their children. On the other hand, not only are mothers expected to be with their children, no matter what the situation, they are also expected to first learn to celebrate themselves and take on the responsibility for their relationships with their children, in childhood and in adulthood.  Mothers are also expected to take on the full responsibility and levels of accountability for their children, with or without the father of their children taking the same level of responsibility, and they are punished for not doing so. 

If mothers abandon their children, leave them with others, including their fathers, they are not only vilified, they are criticized, ostracized, and minimized in society. Whereas, fathers are often allowed to celebrate their freedom away from their children, as well as celebrate themselves, while expecting others, including their children, to also celebrate them as males and as fathers. It goes back to the socialization of males compared to that of females. It is this socialization that men are then able to make excuses for developing and maintaining unhealthy relationships, and for not being accountable or responsible for correcting them by simply stating, “It’s A Man’s Thing!” What is, ‘a man’s thing?’

Because of society’s rules and regulations and socializations that are more than often dictated by men, the selfishness of many men often makes it difficult for great men to move from one to two, or from manhood to fatherhood. It is often difficult for them to share of themselves, their time, their love, and other valuable possessions (not just material possessions).  When one doesn’t want to share, doesn’t know how to share, or feels he is forced to share, there is resentment. Resentment doesn’t allow for healthy and positive relationships, especially between fathers and their children. However, as a father, you must realize that you contributed o the creation of your children, therefore you bear equal responsibility for sharing and caring for them, along with establishing healthy and positive relationships with them.  

Not only are mothers expected to start and model healthy relationships with their children, they are also held accountable for mending the relationships with their children when they are broken. However, there seems to be a sense of entitlement put forth by many fathers who have not been in the lives of their children. When there has been no relationship between fathers and their children, it is often because of abandonment issues, parental denial, divorce, irresponsibility, or other acts that can often be controlled. The prevailing sense of entitlement afforded men, allows fathers to hold their children responsible for mending broken or nonexistent relationships with their fathers, or fathers blame everyone else for the brokenness of their relationships, including the mothers of their children.

I am sure that many of you have had some great relationships with your father, and that many of you reading this blog are great fathers. And it’s not because as a child, you had to work and take responsibility for engaging in a healthy relationship with your father, but because of the commitment he had/has with you in order to develop a healthy relationship with you. He showed responsibility and accountability for his role as father, whether biological, adopted, or surrogate. And because he knew how to unselfishly celebrate himself, he celebrated you as his child, even under undue pressure. He chose to do so! His sense of privilege has not been based on his selfish feelings of entitlement, but based on the inner happiness and feelings of being blessed to have you as his child. His role of father and sense of privilege has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with you as his child. He is proud and willing to openly show his feelings, whether he was/is in the home with you or not.  As a result, you have learned the elements of developing and maintaining healthy relationships with your children from the model and role model exemplified through your own father. As a result, because your father had/has no problem celebrating himself, while celebrating you, he in turn can now receive celebration from you on Father’s Day and every other day of the year.     

As fathers, if you are not willing to or if you can’t take care of yourself, it then becomes a daunting task for you to effectively take care of your children. And taking care of your children is much greater than providing monetary and material things that so many men get hung up on. Taking care of your children involves sharing of yourself unselfishly. Yes, there is a monetary contribution, but taking care of your children also involves prioritizing your children, being present whether you live with them or not, showing and expressing unconditional love, being emotionally available, showing emotions, spending quality time with them, providing spiritual guidance, providing direction, as well as correction. 

As a father, taking care of your children also involves you letting go of your painful and negative past. It’s getting professional mental health treatment when needed, instead of avoiding issues and not dealing with your inner pain, because of your pride and your ego. It’s doing as Prince once sang, ‘acting your age and not your shoe size.’ If you are not emotionally healthy, it is difficult for you to be emotionally present for anyone, let alone your children. It’s getting past the issues you have with the mother of your children and taking responsibility for your children.
All in all, it’s you as a man and as a father, taking responsibility and being accountable for the relationships with your children while they are young, which will dictate how those relationships will manifest when they are adults. All relationships must be nurtured with love, sprinkled with respect, covered with attention, and intention, from the onset.  

Fathers, in order to ensure healthy relationships with your children, it is imperative that you get to know and accept yourself as a man, preferably prior to becoming a father, which many times does not take place. But if as a man, you do not avail yourself of the opportunity to get to know you and have an unselfish relationship with yourself as a man, prior to having children, then take some time to work on you as a man, while learning the skills it takes to be a great father. There is no excuse for not being taught or not knowing; it’s up to you to learn!

It's imperative for you as a man and as a father to remember that you are the author and the finisher of how your life and your relationships start and how they are maintained. It is also imperative that you move beyond the blame and shame of your past that has permeated and dominated your present, while negatively encroaching upon your future. In order for you to gain forgiveness, you must also learn to forgive yourself. And sometimes, in order to be forgiven, you have to ask for forgiveness. You are ultimately responsible for not only developing relationships with your children, but also for the maintenance of such relationships until they are adults. If you build those relationships on a solid foundation, when the cracks and turmoil of life interfere in the relationships between you and your children, not only will you be able to pull them back in line, your children will also understand and know what to do to help. After all, you would have already modeled for them and taught them, and they won’t have strayed away from those teachings. Healthy and loving fathers are one of the best teachers children can ever have! I challengeALLmen and ALLfathers to either become the teacher or continue as the teacher for the sake of your children and for the sake of human kind!   

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Recognizing the Importance of Celebrating Your Mother in Life & in Death

I know it must be difficult for you to learn to celebrate your mother’s life, instead of mourning her death and your loss. I also understand the sadness and anger that comes about after such a traumatic experience. And no matter how many deaths you’ve faced, there seems to be a greater sting when it comes to the death of your mother, whether she is your biological mother, adopted mother, or surrogate mother; she cannot be replaced! 

I can identify with those of you whose mothers have transitioned. I was twenty-seven years of age when my mother died. I can remember that small part of me that felt cheated. What, my mother is gone for good? The good part about it is that because I celebrated her and appreiciated her in life, I was able to celebrate her life even more, after her death. 

I know for many of you, the ability to move beyond the death of your mother is quite difficult. Death is one of those life experiences that you don't want to talk about. As a matter of fact, no matter how many loved ones you lose to death, you are never totally prepared for the loss. It is never on your calendar, it’s not entered into your appointment book or in your phone, and you don’t have to worry about being late or missing it. Yes, everyone wants to live forever, and you most certainly want your mother to live forever. 

I know it is difficult for you to come to grips with the fact of your mother’s death or if she is still living, having to come to grips with the fact that one day, some day, she might transition prior to your own transition. However, even hough death brings about a sting, what you should be asking yourself is how did you treat your mother when she was alive, or how are you treating her now, if she is still alive? Are you respecting your mother and giving her credit for carrying you within her body and giving birth to you? And even if she decided not to keep you and rear you, someone graciosuly took on the role of Mother and decided to accept you, take care of you, and love you uncinditionally! Hence, your biological mother, as well as your adopted or surrogate mother all deserve recognition and appreciation on Mother’s Day, as well as the other three-hundred and sixty-four days of the year.

As a matter of fact, the way you start a relationship will determine how it ends, as well as the relationship with your mother. If your life and relationship with your mother was or is adversarial, it probably ended or will end in an dversarial manner. As the old adage goes, ‘you don’t miss your water until the well runs dry.’ Sometimes you don’t appreciate your mother until she is no longeer living in this realm. However, after death it is a little too late to show her appreciation in the physical realm, but it most cetainly is not too late to appreciate and celebrate her!. 

It would have been and if possible, it still can be admirable if you had given your mother or if you will now give her flowers while she was alive or is still alive. For a mother, there is nothing like smelling fresh flowers, reading an inspiring card, receiving a caring hug, and hearing ‘I love you,’ from the children she carried for nine months (sometimes a little less) through the pain of labor and almost death, gave birth to, and cared for, sometimes with no support system.

Whether biological, adopted, or surrogate, the woman you call Mother, wiped and cleaned your nose, cleaned your bottom, bathed you, fed you, clothed you, protected you, disciplined you, prayed for and with you, hugged you, loved you, and did so many other countless things for you, above and beyond the call of duty. With your mother, there were no boundaries and for many of you, there are still no boundaries when it comes to your mother. She continues to love you unconditionally, without reason, without rhyme, and there has never been a measure or price for her love. And even if she has transitioned, in life, your mother exemplified the essence of love and care for you, until the end. 

For those of you whose biological mother lost her life in order for you to have life, there has been or there was an adopted or surrogate mother to fill the role and the shoes of mother, unconditionally. As a result, consider yourself blessed and be grateful. You can still celebrate her life by collecting as much information about her as possible, and creating a special place for memorabilia, as well as a special place in your heart.

 For those whose mother has transitioned, Mother’s Day is one of those days when you get that feeling of emptiness. You find yourself longing to hear her voice, to hear her make a fuss, wishing you could pick up the phone and say hello. But there are ways you can cherish her memory in life. Celebrate her life and not her death and your loss. Leave an empty chair for your mother at the dinner table on Mother’s Day. Browse through old photo albums with family nd friends, or watch a video that includes your mother. You can also allow those attending your Mother’s Day celebration to join in the celebration by sharing stories of joy, instead of stories of grief and despair.

Because of the loss of your mother, if you find yourself grouchy or depressed when everyone else is taking their mother out for brunch, dinner, or engaging in other forms of celebration, on Mother’s Day, honor her. Instead of spending the day in tears, look at the positive impacts and outcomes of your mother’s life, and not the negative impact of her death. Write her a letter of rememberance and read it aloud. She probably hears you! Invite family over to your home to reminisce or write down happy memories you shared with your mother. Do a kind deed for a mother in a senior facility, who might not have children or family to celebrate her. Get with other family members and friends whose mother is still alive, and celebrate with them.

For those of you who are not speaking to your mother, SHAME ON YOU! I challenge you to forgive yourself and to forgive your mother for whatever you think she did or didn’t do to you and for you. I challenge you to pick up the phone and give the woman you consider Mother a call of appreciation, thanking her for the work she has done, the work she continues to do, and for the sacrifices she made on your behalf.  I challenge you to remember the woman who has worked tirelessly, taking on the job of mother, a job she had a choice to take on or abandon, especially when times were hard. I challenge you to remember the unconditional love, the years and the tears, as well as the happiness shared, whether she was or is your biological mother, adopted mother, or surrogate mother. I challenge you to recognize your mother for her career choice—motherhood—a job that is never done! 

The major aspect of celebrating your mother in life, is to prepare youself for being able to celebrate her life, in death. Practice recognizing her worth and value and expressing it openly and genuinely. There is only one time around, and no one I know, who ahs transitioned, has ever returned to tell us what the hereafter is like. The reality is, all you have is here and now, which is today! Use it to celebrate your mother while she is till alive. And if she is no longer alive, celebrate her anyhow! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

You still have time to purchase Dr. Joyce’s book for Mother’s Day, entitled:
“Mama Said…Hilarious, Outrageous, and Eye-Opening Statements Mama, Grandma, and Big Mama Said that You Can Now Laugh About: Mama Really Did Have the Answers After All”
www.booklogix.comor Amazon.com

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, April 6, 2019

You Change Your Clothes, You Change Your Mind; People Don’t Change

I know that you probably have many reasons as to why you don’t agree with the title of this blog. And it’s not so much the title you disagree with, as it is the premise of what the time means. 

As you reflect on the title of this blog, you are probably trying to recount people you know who have “changed.” You are also probably saying, ‘I’ve changed myself.’ Another statement you and others have constantly made when I have discussed this topic during speaking engagements and other public engagements is, ‘God can change people.” Yes, God can do anything! However, we’re talking about people, who have nowhere near the power and capacity of God to make changes.

Not only do I stand by the title of this blog, I firmly believe that after you have read it, and probably before you complete reading it, you will have a greater understanding about the reality of the title and come to believe the truth about the topic. In the final analysis, you will come to see what change really means and realize my premise, which is that people don’t change!

Merriam Webster dictionary defines change as, “to transform; to make radically different; to replace with another.” When leaves ‘change’ colors, they don’t exist any longer; there is a radical transformation. When you say you’re going to change your clothes, they don’t exist any longer; there is a total difference. When you have your mind focused on one thing and then you change what you were originally focused on and focus on something else, you completely let go of what you were thinking and/or believing, replacing it with something else. The same goes for changing schools, changing homes, and changing mates. Once you take on a new one, the old one is gone and there has been a transformation. Your original school, original home, and original mate are now different; they are gone.

There is a great difference when asking people to change. You are actually asking, and sometimes demanding them to become someone else, who is new and enhanced, with the old person gone. And when they can’t do it, you try to do it yourself.  Wakeup! It’s all a dream! Sadly, your dream about people changing or you changing them to fit your mold can become a dangerous and fatal game, or a never-ending nightmare. The belief that people change is what causes a lot of you, especially women, to stay in abusive situations that are not genuine relationships. You truly believe that if you make changes in your beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors, that man will also change his negative and abusive behaviors toward you. However, if that man hit you once, he will do it again. As a matter of fact, the abuser has it in his DNA. He may ‘slack off’ in his behavior as a way of controlling you and the situation, but he always has the propensity repeat his negative and abusive behaviors. The misconception that you can make changes to change others has cost many women their life, as well as the lives of their children and other loved ones. 

That woman who was a stripper and a cheater when you met her can cease the behavior, but there is always a chance within her that she will strip again, if not at the club, in other places. It’s in her DNA. The mere fact that she chooses to go in that direction or he chooses to cheat on you and to abuse you is evidence that such behaviors are a part of her/his makeup. Once a cheater, always a cheater! He cheated on his wife to be with you. Now he is with you and he still cheats. What made you think he would be different because he is with? People don’t change! Once an abuser, always an abuser! It comes down to a matter of respect; respect for humans, and a respect for males, females, and for differences.

Behaviors of abuse, misuse, cheating, stealing, etc., are all issues of control. The person who needs control is not willing to relinquish the behavior(s) that provide the authority for him/her to remain in control. Why do you think when there is a rape, a murder, a burglary, acts of incest, etc., that the first people law enforcement officials interview are those who committed such crimes before? They know that criminals don’t change; they just become better criminals. They know that the murderer started out as an angry and controlling individual, who probably progressed to lying, stealing, cheating, disrespecting the lives of others, and thinking he/she was God, without recognizing or even considering that he/she did not give life and he/she cannot take it. Law enforcement officials also know that PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE! 

And women, you want o pick up the worst looking guy, with no skills, nothing to offer you, no goals, and no direction, in order for you to try to fix him up after you have picked him up, believing he will change, or in other words, that you can change him. Wake up; it’s not going to happen! You keep wondering why you can’t or don’t have healthy relationships. You don’t and won’t have healthy relationships because you keep picking up, entertaining, sustaining, and maintaining situations with unhealthy individuals. He was diseased when you got with him, he will be diseased when you stay with him. You can take him out of his flowered pants and plaid shirt, thinking that after you have picked him up, dressed him up, and fixed him up, he will be a changed man. The hell if he will! The Brooks Brothers suit you dressed him in, along with the Stacey Adams shoes you bought for his feet only heightens the fact that he is still the same man you picked up; he is now just covered up!

Now, I am not saying that people can’t make changes to their behaviors. I believe people grow through having awareness, insight, and understanding. With awareness they can come to see that there is some behavior and/or attitude that is prohibiting them from being able to successfully navigate life’s pipeline to success and happiness. They will have some awareness that their relationships are constantly failing and often toxic, leading to the analysis that something must be done in order to change the situation or relationship around. Awareness allows you to take off the blinders you have been wearing and hiding behind, in order acknowledge that something or some things are not right. It also allows you to move to a level of seeing the emotional impact your attitude, mindset, and behaviors are having on you and others. 

Awareness is not enough for you or anyone else to start changing your attitude, your mindset and your behaviors. You will then need to gain some insight as to how your attitude, mindset, and behaviors are negatively affecting and impacting you and others. This insight involves you taking a deeper look and a deeper dive into the impact your negative attitude, your negative and warped thinking, as well as your negative behaviors have had and continue to have on you and others, by interviewing yourself and others about the aforementioned areas. In other words, you will be soliciting feedback from others and being honest with yourself about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. It’s looking back at certain incidents and situations and assessing how and why they failed or did not prosper, based on your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. Insight allows you to move from taking off the blinders experienced when you gained awareness to taking a panoramic view of yourself, in living color. It also allows you to get to the heart of the matter and begin to feel emotions from a different perspective.

In changing your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, after you have gained awareness and insight, you then need understanding. Understanding comes about when the light not only comes on, but it illuminates the reality about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. Understanding is a result of you beginning to have more in-depth conversations about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, with those people who care about you and your wellbeing, including your family and trusted friends. It’s listening to what’s being shared, it’s recognizing and being open to the patterns that have occurred over the years, as well as the ensuing results that have occurred, based on these characteristics. 

This understanding is that aha moment, which says, ‘Wow, I got it!’ I now see, I have been enlightened, and I have meaning to my attitude, mindset, and behaviors, as well as the impact they have had on me and on others.  Understanding also allows you to have a change of heart, based on the awareness and insight you have gained. Now that you have also gained understanding, it is time for you to make a choice as to whether you want to change your attitude, change your mindset, and change your behaviors.

Choice does bring about change. Change is a process and not an event. The leaves on the trees go through a process of change. When you are changing your clothes you have to select different clothes, prepare them for proper wear, take off the old clothes, and then put on the different clothing.

Now that you have awareness, insight, and understanding about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, you are now ready to choose to make changes in these areas, flipping the script from negative to positive, while reframing your life focus, your life’s framework, and overall life direction. With choosing to change your negative attitude, your negative and warped mindset, as well as your negative behaviors, requires a different vision about yourself and others, a different level of respect for yourself and others, a plan of action with goals, time lines, a maintenance plan, as well as a support system and an accountability partner. Why do you think alcoholics always state, ‘I’m an alcoholic?’ They know that they are one drink away from going back to where they were when they were sloppy drunk, promiscuous, angry, bitter, stealing, and lying individuals. They have grown, but they have not changed. They’re the same people with a different attitude, a different mindset, and different behaviors! 

Because of time and space, I am not able to take this discussion any further. There are many more instances and facts that will verify that people don’t change. Hopefully, this blog has helped you to see and understand why I stand by and hold onto my topic and the fact that, “You Change Your Clothes, You Change Your Mind; People Don’t Change!” 

You have an opportunity to make changes in your life. You also have the opportunity to choose the right type of people to have in your life, recognizing that what and whom you choose, as well as what and who chooses you, dictates what you will get. Sometimes it’s easy to get with someone, but it’s hard as hell to get away from him/her. People recognize needy, and they recognize a good thing when they find them, no matter how negative they are and how bad they are, they want to step up and be picked up. You have a choice in the matter. Stop ignoring the symptoms of bad and negativity when you see them in people. Learn to look away and sometimes run away. He/she might seem good for the night, but hell for the days, months, and years that follow. And if you have to get with and settle for someone you have to try to change, or that you believe needs to change or be changed, why are you trying to get with them? PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!!

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Having Your Back Doesn’t Mean You Turning it to My Front

If you are anything like me, TRUE friendships are greatly valued. I don’t take my friendships lightly. My friends having my back and having the backs of my friends is important. I am sure that like me, you have had people in your life, male and female, who purported to be your friend. You had probably known them for an expansive time period, and you were comfortable with them, because it seemed as if they had proven themselves to you. As a matter of fact, you trusted them and believed they saw you as you saw them…as TRUE friends.

Sadly, at some point, you had to come to recognize that not all people value and respect you and others the way you value and respect them, as well as others. Also, you had to come to realize that not all people you encounter are friends. Some people get with you as a matter of convenience (a situation), as opposed to a commitment (a relationship). The person with whom you engage with in a situation will turn the same back you supported, to your front. In other words, they will betray you and give you their ass to kiss. Now that’s not everyone, but one betrayer is too many. It’s imperative that you take the time to use discretion as to whom you will let into your life and whom you will support. Remember, the way you start a relationship is the way it will end. As Maya Angelou once stated, ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’

Betrayal is a very difficult force to reckon with, especially when it is thrust upon you by someone you have shared your time, your energy, your secrets, your family, your emotions, your heart, your bed, your body, your soul, some times your money, but most of all, your life! Betrayal is a violation of trust. It knocks the wind out of you, as you try to reason with yourself and come to grips with the reality that someone you invested in no longer is an asset, but is now a liability. And then you begin to wonder what could you have possibly done to deserve this person whom you genuinely cared about, turning their back on you, instead of having your back and you having theirs. In other words, he/she gave you his/her ass to kiss after you covered it and protected them!

I am sure you can remember the people, who stopped speaking to you, stopped engaging with you, lied on you, and talked negatively about you, without rhyme or reason. You had their back time after time and you kept their secrets, no matter how much mess they brought to you. And on many occasions, if there was someone who should have engaged in a betrayal against the betrayer, it was you. But betrayal is not a part of your character. TRUE friendships mean a lot to you; you value them and you believe in helping people up, rather than holding them down. Unfortunately, too many people don’t have the same beliefs.

But wait a minute, it’s not just your friends who turn their backs on you and give you their ass to kiss after you have stood for them, with them and by them; your mate, your children, your siblings, family members, coworkers, and others also fit the betrayer mold. It is hard, and you are not afforded an opportunity to speak with them to gain an understanding and/or some modicum of clarification as to why the back you had for so long held and protected, has now been turned to your front. And then, although you are the person who was betrayed, the betrayer had the audacity to treat you as if you have done something wrong, and they refused to be honest and open with you about what really took place.

I know you probably would like to have all friendships and all relationships with others last for a lifetime. However, as I wrote about in my book, “Seeds for the Harvest of a Lifetime: Increasing Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem & Improving Relationships,” everyone is not in your life forever, even some family members. Some people are in your life to serve as couriers. They are there to drop a word, participate in an event, illuminate for the day and then move on. Others are in your life as short-term parkers. They are placed in your life to help you or for you to help them for a day or a night, but only for a short period of time. They are like parking meters; their time expires. You have to decide whether you are going to keep putting your time, money, and feelings into expired meters. On the other hand, there are monthly parkers, who are placed in your life to assist with a project or longer event, but their term in your life also expires. Finally, there are the lifers, whose time expires with death, and they truly have your back as you have theirs; nothing can tear you all apart. However, some times you tend to reject the lifers and hold on to the couriers, short-term parkers, and monthly parkers. They will eventually turn their back to your front and give you their ass to kiss.

It is important for you to sharpen and renew your spirit of discernment or gain a spirit of discernment. You can’t keep trying to hold onto everyone who enters your life. And beyond you trying to hold onto them, you must be able to discern those who are genuine from those who are disingenuous. You must begin to establish clear and consistent boundaries. You must also get to know the agenda of the people whose backs you support, come hell or high water. 

Some people are leeches; there to suck everything they can for themselves from you, and you get nothing in return. There are probably some people in your life that you don’t need in your life. You have had their back, but the same has not been reciprocated to you. Sure, everybody does play the fool sometime, but no one should play the fool all the time. It is time for you to take inventory of your relationships with your friends, your mate, your children, your family members, your coworkers, and others. And if you keep getting the short end of the stick, the common factor is YOU! What are you going to do about it?

What are you missing and what are you looking for that keeps you allowing people to give you their ass to kiss after you have had their back, and sometimes while you are still holding their back? There are some people who just don’t value other people and they take and take without ever giving. And when they finish getting what they can from you, they then take that same back you have supported, protected, and held, by turning it to your front.

Although you can’t go back and fix the situation with the many people who have betrayed you, and you shouldn’t go back, you can move forward. These people are usually heartless and cold, dying on the inside, lonely, and desperate. However, they are always seeking the next person to betray and they move on. They probably don’t even remember your name; people really don’t matter to them. What would be the benefit of you seeking them out and going back? You can finally forgive them and move on. You can’t keep letting these ‘back turners’ control your emotions, your thoughts, and your life directions. After all, they gave you nothing but their ass to kiss; why are you still allowing them to take up space in your heart and your head, and they are not paying for it? I guarantee you that you are not the first person who stood with them, stood up for them, and stood by them, who was given their ass to kiss; that’s just who they are. Let them go! Take stock of where you are and where you are going, as you document the lessons learned from these unappreciative people, in order for you to not keep playing the role of the fool. 

Take some time to begin to evaluate the people in your life. Be honest with yourself about those who have given you and keep giving you their ass to kiss while you continue to support them. It is time for you to remove them from your life. And if any of these people happen to be your mate, your children, or other family members, it is time for you to assess the reason you keep allowing the mess and the stress in your life. Discuss with them, using your “I” messages, what you will and won’t tolerate. You can also give them an ultimatum and a timeframe to make changes as to how you are treated. If they are not willing to make changes in how they are treating you, you have a decision to make about the relationship, if it is truly one at all. If you are unable to move forward with clearly defined boundaries or clean these people out of your life on your own, get with a licensed mental health professional to help you. 
  
In your assessment, don’t forget about those genuine and true people who have had your back, as well as those who continue to have your back. Let those wonderful souls know that they rise to the top in your life. Also let them know how much you appreciate them, value them, and love them. From this day forward, it is imperative that you are clear about whom you let into your life, as well as whose back you will have. Be reminded and remind those people the importance of remembering what “I got your back” truly means. Also remember, nine times out of ten, if a person turns their back to your front by giving you their ass to kiss once, including your mate, your children, and other family members, they will probably do it again. It is time for you to express to them, “Having Your Back Doesn’t Mean You Turning it to My Front!” I am not an ass kisser!


©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, February 2, 2019

If Loving Me is Wrong, I Don’t Want to be Right!

Luther Ingram once sang, “If Loving You is Wrong, I Don’t Want to be Right.” However, the love he sang about was a forbidden love. Even today, there are probably many forbidden loves that you have either yearned for or held onto. There is nothing wrong admiring someone or being attracted to someone you have met. However, it is important that you not only identify your love interest, but that you also determine if your interest is just that, or if it is an intention to go after and love something or someone who is either not yours to love or someone who is not able to reciprocate the love you would like to give.

Although there is nothing wrong with loving someone else, it is imperative that you engage in an in-depth exploration and investigation of your level of freedom to not only actively love the person in your eyes and in your heart, but to also decide that next to God, the first love you should have is the one you have for yourself. I am not talking about self-love that is selfish, arrogant, vain, and egotistical, I am talking about self-love that puts you first. This love is one that embraces self, mind, body, and spirit. It is nonnegotiable, and there is no price that can be placed on this love, materially or otherwise. It is a limitless love, which you will share with others, but never compromise. It is the love where you are number one, after God, and you are not ashamed to show it.

From an early age, it seems as if we are socialized to believe that loving yourself is being selfish, careless, and above all a sin. And we wonder why there are so many people, especially girls and women who are walking around (barely) with low self-esteem, low or no self-confidence, seeing and believing in the less of themselves, rather than seeing and believing in the more of themselves. Girls and women are taught to be selfless, while boys and men are not only taught to selfish, they are allowed to do so, encouraged to do so, and selfishness is seen as a positive attribute for them, rather than a negative attribute.     

How in the hell can you love someone else, when you don’t even love yourself? It’s a fallacy to believe that you or anyone else can give and share something on the outside, when you have been punished, penalized, and barred from embracing it on the inside. That attribute is called LOVE. 

The value you have and show for and to yourself is the base and basis of the love that you need in order for you to move through life, without shame and without regret. The love that you have for yourself allows you to make decisions without doubt, to stand erect and walk in your own shadow and not in the shadows of others, allowing yourself to be you, instead of being a wannabe. Aside from God’s love, the greatest love that you can possess is self-love, and there is nothing wrong with you loving you! 

Self-hatred is a form of suicide. It takes away your ability to breathe, to live, and to love. Self-hatred is the catalyst for self-harm and self- destruction, It permeates your very being, allowing you to walk around in a sea of hurt. Hurt people hurt! Love then becomes the exception and not the norm, especially when it is love for you!

You don’t have to make excuses for you to love yourself, and you owe no one an explanation. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t and you don’t need permission to love you; it was given to you when you were born. By the mere fact that you were created out of love, no matter what the circumstances were, you are love. Your name is love; your eyes, your body, your mind, and your spirit indicate love. Love is…and love is you! And if loving you is wrong, you should never want to be right!

Your love for others starts with the love that you have for yourself. You cannot give something that you don’t have. If you don’t have the freedom to believe that you have the right to love yourself, you will never be free to love or believe that you have the right to love others. And if you don’t believe that you are worthy of loving yourself, you won’t believe that you deserve love from anyone else. Hence, you allow yourself to be misused and abused. You will find yourself neglecting yourself, not taking care of yourself, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. You will also allow your physical appearance to become neglected, believing you should shop and buy items for everyone but YOU!  You are then helpless and hopeless, rendering yourself to continuous heartbreak and situations with heartless men and women. It is time for you to STOP THE MADNESS! If loving you is wrong, that means something is wrong with you; and it’s not!

If you have ever doubted the love you have for yourself, and if you don’t believe in yourself, you doubt yourself, all because of your self-hatred. This Valentine’s Day is a great start for you to begin to love yourself unconditionally, without guilt and without shame. Valentine’s Day is only the start for you to continue engaging in self-love 365 days of the year. And if you must spend Valentine’s Day or any other day with you, there is nothing wrong with that. You are the MIPW…the most important person in the world! And who wouldn’t want tot spend time with you? If you are not willing to love you and spend time with you, why should anyone else? Think about it!

As you give yourself permission to love yourself unconditionally, realizing that, “If Loving Me is Wrong, I Don’t Want to be Right,” here are a few homework exercises in which you can engage. 

Take out pen and paper and write down:

·     Five (5) positive characteristics about yourself 
·     How you see yourself and how you feel about yourself
·     Five (5) things you need to forgive yourself for and let go
·     Five (5) reasons as to what you can do and will do to exude self-love
·     Decide on one (1) day of the week that you will designate as YOUR day. Identify that day on your weekly calendar. Nothing and no one should be allowed to interfere with that day. You will use that day to focus on you and pamper yourself. Get a massage, go to a movie with yourself, and engage in other positive and safe things with yourself or a friend. 
·     Decide to buy yourself a personal item each and every pay period, as well as getting your hair done professionally, at least once a month.
·     Identify those persons and situations in your life that do not exude love and positivity, are disrespectful, abusive, and misuse you. Devise a plan to eliminate these people from your life immediately! 
·     Identify your negative views and negative perceptions of yourself. If they are filled with contempt, and self-hatred, seek professional help
·     If needed, seek psychotherapy to help you to learn to accept yourself, love yourself, and to be yourself, unconditionally
If loving you is wrong, you should never want to be right!


©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, January 5, 2019

The 12 ‘Ps’ to Ensure Peace & Prosperity In Your Life In 2019

It probably seems as if the years are flying by, especially as you get older. With each New Year, you are blessed with the celebration of a birthday, indicating that you are not only getting older, you are still among the living; looking at the grass from the topside, instead of the dirt from the underside. If you are reading this blog you are blessed. You made it through 2018 and you are now among the privileged, endowed with the opportunity to live to see 2019.

By living to see 2019, you also have an opportunity to decide your peace and your prosperity. However, as with everything in life, there is a price. The price for your peace and prosperity is not a monetary one, but a price involving you taking chances, making choices, and making changes.  It’s taking chances to choose to change your attitude, change your thinking, change your feelings, change your beliefs, change your approach to making decisions, change your life direction, change your actions, etc. 

Further, the price you must be willing to pay for your peace and your prosperity are vested in your commitment and follow-through to take chances, make choices, and make changes in your life. You must also be willing to take chances to sit up, stand up, speak up, look up, and put up. In addition, there are twelve other actions you must implement, in order to ensure your peace and prosperity in 2019. They all involve you taking chances, making choices, and making changes in your life. Ironically, all of these identified actions start with the letter ‘P.’ Hence, I am providing you with “The 12 ‘Ps’ to Ensure Peace & Prosperity In Your Life In 2019.”

In order to ensure that you have peace and prosperity in your life, you must have:

1.    A Purpose-Understand why you are here, what you are supposed to do in life, as well as the dreams and legacy you are supposed to fulfill this year and in your life in general. There is a reason for your life continuing beyond 2018. If you don’t know what your purpose in life is, find it!

2.    Preparation-In order for you to move to where you would like to be and arrive at the place God wants you to be and has destined you to be, you must prepare yourself. You must begin t get your mind right, your heart right, and your spirit right. You must prepare yourself to receive what’s yours.

3.    A Plan-Is the recipe for how you will achieve what you are suppose to achieve; with written, specific, realistic, attainable, and measurable goals; objectives, timelines, and resources (human, monetary, and other); preferably in small chunks and not big hunks. Your goals should be written for 3, 6, 9, 12 months, with contingency plans. Be strategic with your plan and your actions.

4.    Priorities-Establishing priorities include you rank-ordering the most important aspects you need to focus on before moving on to other things. You must rank order your goals, your plans, and the actions you need to take.

5.    Positivity-You must think positively, speak positively, act positively, have immeasurable faith, believing that you CAN have peace & prosperity; you CAN achieve your goals; you WILL attain your goals; you ARE achieving your goals. No matter how things seem with you and around you, you must believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and see the glass as half full, instead of half empty.  

6.    Presence-It is essential that people know that you are in the room. When you enter a room, no matter how many people are in the room, your mere entrance and presence let’s people know your importance and what you have to offer, even without you saying a word. Your presence is how you present yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. It is your walk, as well as your talk. Your presence in the presence of others is essential. It will determine the strength of your internal and external magnet, having an impact on whom you draw to you and how you draw them to you. Be able to present yourself in a positive manner, with confidence, high self-esteem, courage, self-determination, and authority.   

7.    Position-It’s important to always assess and investigate the people with whom you engage and the places where you not only engage, but places where you spend your quality time. You cannot and will not be successful or have peace and prosperity in 2019, or at any time in your life, if you do not position yourself to receive what is rightfully yours. You must be in the right place at the right time to claim your peace and your prosperity. Your position allows investigation and assessment for you to be in the right places at the right time, ready to receive.

8.    Posture-How you speak about what you want and your determination to get there, guides how you will be received by others, as well as your own level of comfort, peace, and preparation for prosperity. Position yourself to stand firm and be still in order to accomplish your goals and ultimately your peace and your prosperity. Where and how you stand has a profound effect on your success. 

9.    Purge-It is imperative that you remove the people, places, situations, and circumstances from your life that can and will impede your progress for peace and prosperity, Clean out the closets of your life, figuratively and literally, ensuring that any thing, any person, any circumstance, and any situation that doesn’t fit your plans and your life directions are removed. Close doors of negativity, allowing doors of positivity to open. 

10. PPGPs-Get with “Positive People Going Places.” Either people are assets or they are liabilities. It’s time for you to rid yourself of slackers, leeches, uninformed, misinformed, directionless, and goal-less individuals. People who keep drama going in their life will bring it to your life. Achieving your dreams might be a nightmare for others. Everyone can't go with you and everyone is not happy about your peace, your prosperity, and your success. Let them go!

11. Prayer-Prayer is always an essential aspect of the recipe to ensure your peace and your prosperity. There should be prayers throughout the day, and they don’t have to be long, drawn out formal prayers. Prayers are your conversations with a higher power I call God. Prayers also come with listening and obedience. Take time to commune with God, petitioning for your peace and your prosperity, while relaxing and opening your heart, mind, and soul, to receive what you need and to attain your goals.   

12. Patience-You must not rush your peace, your prosperity, or your goals. To do so will cause you to remain stressed, confused, and directionless. There is a reason and a season for your returns on your investments. Recognize that that which is meant for you will wait for you and no one can take what’s yours from you. There is a time and a season for each and every one of your blessings. Patience lends itself to peace, allowing you to focus on your goals, leading to your prosperity. Your patience should also come with action, but not with being pushy, overbearing, and sightless. 

Once you successfully engage in ‘The 12 Ps,” you will find an increase in your level of daily inner peace, as well as an increase in your prosperity, therefore increasing your internal and external power. And being prosperous isn’t just monetary; it’s being prosperous in mind, body, and spirit. 

The New Year is an opportunity for you to have new results in your life. If you want peace and prosperity in your life, they come with action and perseverance. You must work to achieve and maintain peace and prosperity in your life. Your practice with and implementation of ‘The 12 Ps’ will keep you on track and focused, not only in 2019, but also throughout your life. Get up, get started, and watch the positive things God has in store for you begin to materialize!


©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com