Being in relationships with others is a very difficult and daunting task. It’s asking two people from two different backgrounds to coalesce as one; and many times under one roof, with different opinions, different thoughts, different likes, and many times, different values. And one of the strangest aspects of this coming together is that we expect that this union will be a perfect one.
In all actuality, if you are in a true and lasting relationship or if you are seeking a true and lasting relationship, how you get together with your mate in order to form a relationship is much more important than where you get together. The way you start your relationship is the way it will not only exist in the present, but how it will exist in the future.
When you are involved in a true relationship, it depends more on you and the person you are willing to commit to and with, in order for you to move forward with the relationship. The act of being in love and in a relationship is a process and not an event. Anyone can engage in a situation, which is an act of convenience for the short haul. However, a relationship is different. The root word of relationship is relation. In order to have a relation with someone, you and that person must be able to relate to and with each other. To relate is to communicate. If there is no effective communication, there is no relation, and there is no relationship.
One of the greatest issues in starting and maintaining a healthy and positive relationship is that rarely do you ask the right questions prior to and during your relationships with others; whether plutonic or intimate. You constantly engage in situations with others (for the short haul), expecting a relationship (for the long haul). Do you not ask the questions of your mate for fear of the answers you will or might receive, or maybe you fear the truth that you will have to face? Whatever the truth or the reality that you need to face, the reason you are in the situation you are in with your mate is because you blocked out and/or evaded the truth about you, your mate and the situation in which you find yourself.
Sadly, as women, too many of you find yourselves not only not asking the right questions of your mate, you rarely ask any questions at all. You probably wonder why you have no answers to and in your relationships; you have no answers because you ask no questions. Many women would rather hear a lie as opposed to dealing with the truth. As long as you are willing to continue to avoid the truth and the reality about who you are, who the person is you are trying to engage with in pursuit of a relationship or are already engaged with, by avoiding the questions you need to ask, you will either engage in a situation or remain in the one you’ve been in for sometime.
What if you and your mate asked each other what your goals are, what you each value, where you see yourselves in one year or five years (individually and as a couple), if you want children, what about your sexual orientation, what about your FICO score, what about the state of your mental health, what about your medical status, as well as all of the pertinent and critical things that you should know, that really does matter to the existence and success of your relationship? For some reason, many of you would rather hear a lie to the preceding questions, remain in a fog, or not have answers at all.
Imagine if you could just be who you are, disrobed, and fully exposed with all of your frailties and weaknesses. Imagine if you allowed the person you currently have in your life as your mate or the one you would like to have in your life as your mate to expose him/herself fully in his/her nakedness, mentally, physically, spirituality, emotionally, financially, sexually, etc. Maybe with the truth, you can make the right decisions about the right, best, and healthy relationships for you. And if you are allowed to make such choices for yourself, you are willing to reciprocate the same for your mate. However, it all starts with you asking the right questions.
Have you ever thought about the worst thing to happen if you had the full scope and full disclosure about your mate’s past relationships with the same sex, opposite sex, friends, mother, father, siblings, other family members, colleagues, boss, etc.? The major reason you don't have the full scope and full disclosure from these people and about the issues mentioned above, is because you have not and sometimes you just will not ask the right questions. Without asking the right questions, you will live devoid of having the right answers. Hence, you will not only enter into situations instead of relationships with others, you will remain in the situation you have perpetrated year after year, only fooling yourself. The bottom line is, do you want the freedom of truth or do you want to continue to live in the trap of a trumped up situation?
If you want to maintain the status quo of living a relationship lie, don't ask the right questions. And if you want to keep perpetrating a fraud in engaging in a relationship with someone you are pursuing or someone you are already engaged with, continue avoiding the answers to questions you never ask. You will never have positive and healthy relationships with others for the long haul, extending the test of time, until you are willing to face the truth about you, your background, who you are, where you are, and where you are going. You must ask the right questions of yourself in order to gain the right answers about yourself. Even greater, once you have dealt with you by asking the right questions and accepting the answers you receive, you must be willing to engage with your prospective or current mate in the same question and answer process. And if the answers you receive are not the ones you anticipated, hoped for, or have been looking for, you then have a decision you need to make.
I am aware that many of you wonder why you don’t have or don't receive what you believe you should have in your relationships. And those of you seeking a healthy and positive relationship are probably wondering why you seemingly keep getting and receiving rift raft. Well, you have not, because you ask not! If you are willing to ask for what you need and what you want (within reason) in your relationship, you nine times out of ten will receive it. If you don't receive what you need and want, you then have a decision to make. Either you will accept less or request the best! The questions are left up to you. What you do with the answers is still up to you. Asking the right questions empowers you. Making the right decisions after receiving the answers to the questions you ask, not only empowers you, but also elevates you to a position of authority and control…OVER YOU!
It is imperative that you recognize and realize that asking the right questions of a potential mate or your current mate doesn’t mean that you browbeat him/her to death, engage in stalking, nagging, or abusive behaviors, demand or force answers to your questions, engage in manipulative tactics, misconstrue the truth, or play games. As a matter of fact, asking the right questions of your current or potential mate should be for positive gain and to ensure the positive and healthy development of being on the horizon of establishing your relationship or your already established relationship. The more you both know the truth about each other and the truth about your relationship, the brighter the outlook for the future of your relationship.
Women, when will you arrive at the point where you stop asking your mate, ‘do you love me?’ If you have to continuously ask your mate if he loves you, there is a problem. It should be borne in the actions shown to you, the respect shown to you and for you, how he treats you, not only in public, but also behind closed doors, the unconditional positive regard, as well as the deep selflessness when it comes to you. Love should be a reciprocated emotion/process; if you have o ask about it and you are the only one giving and displaying it, you are not in a relationship. You already have the answer to the question before you ask it!
Men and women, it’s also time for you to ask the right questions. Don’t be afraid to ask that woman or that man if he/she is married or not. And don’t avoid the answer to the question so that you can make an excuse to get with him/her. Women, sometimes you ask the right questions of the men in your life, but then you don’t want to accept the truth. Too often you wonder why men lie to you; it’s many times because you pose your questions with permission given to them with a lie for an answer. As a matter of fact, you have known that he has not been truthful to you and honest with you all along, so why keep asking the questions?
Here is your opportunity to think about the questions you would like to pose or have posed to your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife. Since you want to ask questions of these people for the advancement of your relationship, you might ant to start by asking the right questions of yourself. What is/are the reason for the question(s) you want to ask your mate or potential mate? What are your expectations regarding the answer(s) that you might receive? Do you already have preconceived answers to the question(s) that you would like to ask? What if you receive an answer to your question(s) that you are not expecting to receive or the answers that you believe are not favorable to you or for you? If you ask the right questions and you are open minded to receiving the truth, which will be the right answers, you will find the ‘right’ relationships or come to recognize that you are already in the ‘right’ relationship. If not, your questions and the ensuing answers should prompt you to find the ‘right’ relationship.
One of the greatest things about you asking the right question(s) is that you come to recognize that you have a choice in the matter! You can decide to stay in the situation or move to a healthy relationship. If you are currently in the process of dating, before you allow someone to choose you, you must ask the right questions so that you do the choosing based on what you want and need for you. Write your questions down on paper and take them with you on your date. The questions should be related to the characteristics you are looking for in a mate. Excuse yourself at some point during the date and visit the men’s or women’s room to check your list.
Remember, the questions you ask about your relationships start with you first asking the right questions of yourself, and then asking them of your mate:
· Am I ready for a relationship?
· Is he/she emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially available for a relationship with me?
· What about his/her mental, physical, spiritual, psychological & financial stability?
· Has he/she healed from his/her last & most recent relationship?
· Is this the right person for me to engage in a relationship?
· What do we have in common?
· Does he/she have children?
· Am I ready for a blended family?
· What about the baby mama drama or the crazed ex?
· What are my expectations of him/her & the relationship?
· Do I have enough background information about him/her?
· Are we at least in the same book, preferably in the same chapter?
· How do we relate & communicate with each other?
· What can I do and what am I willing to do for him/her
· What can he/she do & what is he/she willing to do for me?
· What’s the benefit of this relationship to & for me?
· Is there mutual respect?
· Is there unconditional positive regard?
· Do we have a mutual understanding about what a true relationship encompasses?
· Do we have a mutual understanding of each other’s needs, wants, and expectations?
· Does he/she show me empathy?
· Does he/she show & exemplify maturity?
· Is he/she an asset or a liability?
Remember, there is no perfect relationship, but asking the right questions can help you to find and keep the right relationship, lasting for the long haul. And if you believe that you have already found that RIGHT relationship, you still must evaluate it at least every six months by asking the above questions. If you find yourself either fearful of asking the right questions or unable to ask the right questions, seek the help of a professional to guide you in the process of framing and formulating your relationship questions and model how to ask them. You can do it…YES YOU CAN!!!
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