As you seek intimate relationships with others, you do so with hopes of finding the right person, as well as the best person on earth to serve as your companion. You want to meet someone you will fall in love with, hopefully for forever and a day. You are anticipating engaging in a healthy and positive relationship for the long haul and not a situation for the short haul. You want to be revered and treated as if you are somebody who matters. You not only want to feel needed, you want to feel wanted. You want to be an asset to someone, but you should also want someone to be an asset to you.
In 2018, it seems as if the quest to find the best and the right companion is quite a challenge. Too often, so many of you work tirelessly to find that one somebody, winding up many times with anybody, who turns out to be nobody. You scan your surroundings looking for the person you would like to consider your ‘soul mate.’ How can you find your ‘soul mate’ when you have not been able to understand the depths of your own soul, in order for you to ensure that whomever you connect with and bring into your life, will be an addition and not a subtraction? But do you know what you really want, what you really need, and what you actually deserve in a companion?
The truth is, you knew what you were getting into with your companion when you first met him/her. The handwriting was on the wall, but you pretended that you either didn't see it or you couldn’t read it. You were so desperate to be with somebody, that you were willing to settle for less. You spent an insurmountable amount of time attempting to fix up and clean up that man or make him over into the fantasy guy you have been seeking. You tried your best to take her out of the strip club, ignoring the fact that the two of you had nothing in common, closing your eyes to the fact that she will eventually strip you of everything she can, including you!
One of the greatest fallacies you and others often have is the belief that people will change, ‘once they get with you.’ How many times do I have to remind you that people don’t change; they grow, but they can always go back to old negative behaviors they once had! And many times, those behaviors are only hidden by a cover up, in order for them to attract positive and growing people such as you, in order for them to inject their negative attributes.
What does this person have to offer you that is so much greater than the last person you were involved with? Is the sex any better? Probably not! And if you relied on sex to hook him/her, it might have worked because of his/her motives and not your great sexual abilities in bed. The reality is, it won’t work in you maintaining, and sustaining a positive, stable, honest, effective, and healthy relationship with him/her. As a matter of fact, you will probably become another notch in his belt or another hay roller in her bed. The red flags are all around you, but you choose to kick them over, as you sometimes need to kick yourself in your own ass for believing that you can take a minus and make it a plus. It is clear that he/she is not the one, but you consciously, but blindly decided to bite the bullet, eat the apple, and drink the Kool-Aid. The warning was right there in front of you, DON’T DRINK THE KOOL-AID—IT IS TOXIC! He/she is truly a minus and not a plus!
In the world of mathematics, zero has always been known as the additive identity. If you add zero to any number, you will always get that number. As long as you keep allowing people to enter your life without adding anything to your life, you will have the same thing you started with…you and what you brought to the situation. Eventually, the zero will begin to take away from you and diminish you, taking up space, decreasing your value, and the value of what you bring to the table.
You often wind up with a zero in your life because you probably don’t know what you want or should have in a relationship. You have no expectations of a companion, and you don’t believe you deserve to have someone in your life that will serve as a multiplier instead of subtracting from your life. Also, you don't have a clear, written, and comprehensive list of ingredients of what you want and need in a companion, who will add value to your life, instead of taking away from your life.
You also don’t have a plan of action for reaching to the top of the barrel, the top of the tree, or outside of the barrel to have greater and more positive choices in a companion. You seem to spend so much time dipping and reaching to the bottom of the barrel, picking the fruit that have fallen from the tree onto the ground and exposed to elements and parasites, as you continue to hang with chickens instead of soaring with eagles. And you wonder why you have a minus instead of a plus in you bed, in your head, in your heart, and in your life; you put him/her there!
You also tend to operate in ‘what has been,’ your losses, as well as doubt, instead of your gains and your hope. You have been so accustomed to having losers in your life that you are afraid to link with winners; so much so that you often sabotage positive, healthy, and good possibilities when they enter your life. Sadly, you allow the outside of the fruit to dictate to you the taste of the inside of the fruit, maintaining what is comfortable for you, rather than challenging yourself to stretch, in order to reach that which is best for you.
As women, you often make the excuse that ‘the pickings are slim,’ especially when it comes to African-American women choosing African-American men as a companion. However, it’s not so much that there aren’t enough ‘good’ men to choose from, as it is you are looking in the wrong places, expecting the wrong things, if you have any expectations at all. Your willingness to accept the wrong things from the wrong kind of men is paramount. Anita Baker once sang, “He Can’t Do Right ‘Cause He’s the Wrong Man.”
When you set your sights high, you will look high, expect high, and only expect what’s at a higher level and what’s on track to moving you forward to even greater heights. You must have a plan with action steps in order to add to who you are, where you are, and where you are going in your life. However, if you keep accepting minuses in your life, the pluses will remain on the outside of your life.
Wake up! It’s time for you, whether male or female, to wake up, get up, stand up, look up, and step up to the plate! It’s time for you women to have a Boaz instead of a broke ass, and for you men to have a Ruth instead of a Jezebel. And money doesn’t always determine the plus status of a companion; especially if he/she is abusive in any form whatsoever. An abusive companion with all of the riches of the world is clearly a minus, because he/she chips a little from you each and everyday, rendering you helpless and hopeless.
The hunter always wants to be successful at capturing his/her prey. At some point, you must decide to stop serving in the role of the prey and start being the hunter. It is time for you to set the stage, set the tone, and set the bar for the type of person you desire, deserve, and are determined to have in your life. Just because he/she wants you, it doesn’t mean that you have to reciprocate the want. The choice is yours; either you add to who you are, what you have, and where you are going in life, or you will wind up with someone who will take away from who you are, what you have, and allow yourself to be distracted and sidetracked from where you are going.
Yes, it’s always good to at least be able to make it to first base, but if you can make a homerun, why would you stop at first base? As long as you can clearly identify your needs and wants in a companion, it is easier for you to not accept any wooden nickels, not accept less, and not enter into situations with empty promises that are detractors from your path in life. You will be in charge, allowing only pluses into your life, as you identify and remove the minuses.
- Here are a few tips to help you recognize when you are embarking upon a minus entering your life, or when you have already allowed a minus to enter your life, instead of a plus:
- He/she is the number one priority and focus on the first date & continues to be the number one priority and focus; you feel left out and neglected.
- The two of you are not on the same page. As a matter of fact, you aren’t even in the same book.
- He/she has no goals and no real sense of direction. As a matter of fact, his/her goals do not include you.
- He/she has nothing to really offer you, financially, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, or spiritually.
- His/her hygiene doesn’t fit with yours, from head to toe, including dental hygiene.
- He/she possesses addictions that are hard to beat and sometimes challenging to recover from, such as gambling, cheating, lying, deceit, drugs/alcohol abuse, etc.
- He/she has untreated mental illnesses and won’t seek treatment.
- Your family sees/saw the red flags—You turned against them & began to project the truth of what you know about him/her onto your family.
- There is disrespect, misuse, and abuse, including verbal, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical abuse from him/her.
- You are insistent on making a relationship out of a situation
- You have to force him/her down the throats of your family & friends and hold your family hostage if they don’t accept him/her.
- You are receiving mixed messages
- There is stalking, manipulation, and threats from him/her.
You must decide if the person you call your companion or the one you are working to have as your companion, is someone you view as an opportunity for growth and development or do you see him/her as a replacement for a lost love or relationship. On the other hand, you can determine what you need as you embark upon or whether you currently have a plus in your life, when the opposite of the above minuses exist. You deserve the best, but you can only have the best and most healthy relationship when you stop accepting minuses.
Take some time to draft a list of positive attributes you possess. Also draft a list of positive attributes you would like to have in a companion. Compare the lists; they should match with each other. And if you find that there is great discrepancy between who you are and the person identified as your companion, including the companion you are seeking, it is time for you to make some decisions. Use a competent and well-trained psychotherapist to help you to gain an understanding about who you are, where you are, what you desire in life, and where you are going in life. Be honest with yourself; is he/she a plus or a minus in your life?!
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