I am sure that there are times when you have wondered why your relationships seem to constantly fail. The question is, are they true relationships or are you continuously entering into situations? And then there are times when you have asked yourself why you don’t seem to be able to find and hold on to genuine friendships, or how the ‘fake friends’ have been able to enter into your life?
Have you ever come to the conclusion for one reason or another (and sometimes for many reasons), that you have been involved with the wrong man or the wrong woman, often times discovering your situation a little too late? And the same can be said for the so-called friends whom you have allowed to penetrate your life. Simply put, they have been the wrong people to have as friends. Often, it’s because you tend to take people into your life because there is an attraction…either a one-way or a two-way attraction, and you are desperate to fill a void. Anita Baker once sang, “You can’t do right cuz you’re the wrong man.” The failure of your relationships and friendships could be because the people you engage with are the wrong people!
When you think about it, rarely do you take the time to effectively and thoroughly vet the people you let into your life. Just because they are attracted to you or you are attracted to them, it doesn’t mean that you have to take them on or take them in.
Everything and e everyone that looks good on the outside is not necessarily good on the inside. In actuality, they are not always a good fit for you! And sometimes, like a pair of small and narrow shoes which you are enamored by, you try to stuff your big and wide feet into, you do the same in trying to fit people into your life who don’t fit for one reason or another, all because he/she ‘looks good,’ and sometimes they sound good. But then good is relative! What do you have in common with him/her? And have you taken the time to get into his/her head before you ask him/her into your bed? And sometimes, there is no asking; you all just fall into a bed, any bed, together, without vetting, by making a decision through a process of betting and hoping that things will work out.
Many times, it’s hard to hold onto what or whom you want to have in your life, and it’s hard to get rid of what or whom you don’t want in your life. You will have to make a decision and take action to either hold on to him/her or decide how to leave him/her alone, while you try to move on. The problem starts with your level of desperation to be with somebody, that you wind up with anybody, who many times turns out to be nobody.
Forming healthy relationships start with you establishing healthy friendships. But even your friends need to be vetted. It’s about you not being so desperate to belong to someone, or to be with someone, that you are willing to belong to and be with anyone. It’s also about you deciding not to compromise on what is truly best for you. Had you done your homework by gathering background, historical, and current information about him/her, by asking the right questions, engaging in avid research and investigation, and moving from a place of desperation to a place of preparation, you wouldn’t be in the space that you constantly find yourself…involved in failing situations with the wrong people.
A former R & B singer once sang, “If you don’t like the peach, walk on by the tree.” Like picking unripen fruit from a tree, why are you constantly picking up people who are not yet ‘ripe’ for you, as well as those who are also not ‘right’ for you? You really should have a well thought out and ‘written relationship success checklist,’ which includes the characteristics you desire to have in the friends and the mate you would like to have in your life. It entails and details what you want as well as whom you want in your life, and the characteristics you expect them to possess.
Your ‘written relationship success checklist’ should read like a laundry list or grocery list. Take it with you as you meet that someone you are attracted to and as you engage in dates with him/her. As you would your laundry list, separate the characteristics on your ‘relationship success checklist’ by categories of ‘will accept’ and ‘won’t accept.’ Don’t be afraid or ashamed to take a trip to the men’s room or women’s room while out to dinner or on a date with him/her. Take out your checklist to assess your written pros and cons as they relate to your date. If the cons outweigh the pros, this is nine times out of ten someone you probably should not take on or take into your life.
To ensure what and whom you are taking on and into your life, you should also have a ‘written relationship success action plan.’ This action plan details the process (how) you will vet people you might be attracted to, prior to connecting with them, as well as the steps you will take in order to get what and whom you want in your life, including what you are and aren’t willing to compromise.
This ‘written relationship success action plan’ should also include timelines with dates. The timeline and dates should be written in increments of three, six, nine, and twelve months. There should be no rush to bring people into your life, without using your ‘written relationship success action plan.’ It’s time for you to learn to take life and live life in small chunks, instead of big hunks.
Not only should you have a ‘written relationship success action plan’ for engaging in successful relationships, it is also imperative for you to have an action plan with steps dictating how you can and will disconnect from people who don’t fit into your life. This will be your contingency plan. The main thing is not taking on people from the onset, who don’t fit into your life and learning to not pick up or engage with people who are not yet ‘ripe’ for you, and most certainly those that are not ‘right’ for you. Even though you might tell yourself, ‘I see potential,’ it is not your duty to try to fix anybody in an effort to have him/her to reach his/her full potential. That’s their job…not yours!
Once the people you want in your life have passed the ‘written relationship success checklist’ test, the ‘written relationship success action plan’ allows you to state what you need and what you want in your relationships. It allows you to ask boldly and unabashedly for what you need and want in order to engage in a healthy and successful friendship or relationship. It is essential that you learn to participate in choosing the people you want to let into your life and into your space, based on your ‘written relationship success checklist,’ and your ‘written relationship success action plan.’
Too often, you have allowed people to choose you to fit into their lives, based on what they are looking for, exclusive of what you need and what you want to fit within your own life. There will be times that people wanting entrance into your life will say to you, ‘God told them you are the one for them.’ What makes God speak to them about you fitting into their life and He hasn’t said anything to you about having them in your life? And then you wonder why, what you thought was a relationship is truly a situation, and it fails.
At some point in your life, if you are not already there, it is hoped that you will gain the strength to shed whomever does not fit into your life, or more importantly, not take him/her on or into your life. Just as the winter sheds its liabilities, you must learn to shed the people that are not assets, but serve as potential liabilities in your life. I am sure that many of you have taken on and have probably taken in friends, family members, or mates during the winter, believing that they will become fruitful relationships in the spring. But then, after the winter thaw and the rising of the new sun, many of you are probably asking yourself, ‘what the hell?!’ You have once again found yourself not only being attracted to rift-raft, but you have taken him/her on and into your home. Now you are asking yourself, ‘how did I become a friend or mate to or with him/her?!’ And the most serious question that you are asking yourself is, ‘how did I let him/her into my life, into my head, and especially into my bed?!’ You are also probably asking yourself, ‘what was I thinking?’ Guess what? You weren’t thinking at all…you were only feeling! What was once an attraction has now manifested into a distraction, causing massive disruptions in your life!
Yes, it’s easy to pick up people and include them in your day-to-day life, whether they fit or not. But you must remember, it is not as easy to get rid of them or leave them when the cover has been pulled from over the reality of who they truly are. In order to not waste your time on or with the wrong people in your life, you must remain vigilant in blocking the entrance of rift-raft, mess, and ultimately stress into your life. If you don’t take certain people on, you won’t have to figure out how to leave them alone. What and whom you choose will be exactly what and whom you will have in your life. You must remember that you have a choice in any matter involving you and your relationships!
It is also easy to be attracted to people or for people to be attracted to you during the darkness of life’s winter. However, it doesn’t mean that they or you fit with each other or that they should be brought into the light of your life. It’s the cold, the dark, and the dormancy, that can create within and around you a sense of complacency, keeping you from reaching your destiny. Being attracted to someone doesn’t mean that he/she should enter into your life or stay in your life from one season to the next, let alone move into your space, and most certainly not into your place.
‘If you don’t take people on, you won’t have to worry about how to leave them alone’ when they fail you. Just because you are attracted to them or they are attracted to you, it doesn’t mean that you have to engage with them and become attached to them. It is time for you to take a realistic look at the people in your life, deciding if they truly fit into the light of your life. Decide whom you should attach to, as well as whom you should allow to attach to you as you travel through life. As you gain greater understanding as to why you seem to keep attracting the ‘wrong’ people into your life, and why you keep allowing the attraction to become an attachment, with you taking on and taking in the ‘wrong’ people out of desperation, you will become stronger and wiser, with greater discernment. You will then see through the bull jive and approach people with open eyes. You will no longer allow what others want for their lives to become your obligation, nor your destination. When it comes to people, you’ll be able to establish clear and consistent boundaries and learn whom to take on, so that you won’t have to worry about trying to hold on, when it’s time to let go and move on!
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