Saturday, September 2, 2017

What You Allow Others to Contribute to Your Relationships Will Determine What You Receive from Your Relationships

I am sure that at one time or another, you have had a relationship (or two) to fail. On many fronts, you have been perplexed as to how and why your relationship failed in the first place. The question you must ask yourself and at some point answer for yourself is, “How did I get to the point of being involved in a failed relationship?” Once you realize that for too long, the problem has been that you have allowed others to choose you to be a part of their relationships, rather than you having a say and control over who engages in your relationships with you. You have rarely made the choice to be in relationships with others, allowing them to choose you to be in their relationships.

When others choose you to be in their relationships without you being a part of the choosing process, you allow them to contribute what they want to contribute to the relationship, as well as how they want to contribute, and when they want to contribute. After all, the relationship does belong to them; they chose you! What you allow them to contribute just might not be healthy for you or the relationship, resulting in hell on earth and eventual failure.

Once you have asked and answered the preceding question, hopefully, you will come to realize that what you allow others to bring into and contribute to your relationships will be based on their terms, rendering you helpless in making contributions to your own relationships, based on your terms. You will come to recognize the failures of your relationships, instead of the healthiness and longevity of your relationships, all because they are truly NOT YOUR relationships.

Just as you work hard in deciding the kind of work you do on your job, ensuring that your boss and your coworkers approve of you, providing you with an excellent and favorable evaluation, and an eventual nice raise and bonus, you must work even harder in ensuring that there is harmony, happiness, honor, and approval in your relationships, by managing what and whom you allow to contribute to your relationships. If you continue to allow individuals who are observable wrecks, “slackers,” and “lackers,” including those who lack boundaries, are unstable, and are directionless, to contribute to your relationships, the outcome of your relationships will be based on the contributors and the contributions that they make. Whatever you allow to cross the threshold of your life will infiltrate the very fiber of your relationships, whether good or bad, negative or positive.

If you allow others to contribute nothing to your relationships, you will receive absolutely nothing as a result! If you expect nothing from those you allow into your life and into your relationships, you will still receive absolutely nothing! On the other hand, if the contributions of others are based on the horn of plenty, the results will be plenteous. Your relationships will be filled with all that is great and good. You must remember that people can only contribute to your relationships what you expect them to contribute and what you allow them to contribute. But you can only control the contributions if you choose the relationships in which you engage, as well as the people with whom you choose to engage. Your relationship choices should never be based on a game of chance or checkers, but a game of choice and chess. It’s all about the strategy!

It is important for you to identify and develop the ingredients, as well as the overall recipe for what and whom you want in your life and in your relationships. Although God is the author and the finisher of your life, you are the author and the finisher of how your relationships will start, continue, and end. You have the power and the authority to mandate and dictate what it will take for the people you invite into your life to earn and maintain the love, respect, commitment, positive communication, trust, and other favorable attributes necessary for them to engage in a healthy relationship with you. In essence, you will determine what you will allow into your relationships, what you receive from your relationships, and begin to dictate the outcome of your relationships.

How do you allow someone to tell you that God told him/her that you are meant for him/her, when supposedly you know the same God and He did not tell you that that person was meant for you? And God will not tell you to allow a fool to direct your life! How do you allow someone to fill your life with bags containing rocks of anger, confusion, animosity, hatred, and abuse, when you know that eventually you will sink?  What you allow into your life, based on the contributions of others will determine what you receive…exactly what was contributed.

You must decide to work hard at investing the time necessary for you to ensure that the measure of the people you invite into your relationships actually fit your needs and that they accentuate and enhance your life and your life directions. It is important to recognize that oil and water don’t mix. Toxicity is never an option and will never result in positive and healthy relationships. If you are not willing to drink from bottles with cross bones and skulls on them (poison), why are you allowing others into your life who are offering these bottles of poison to you? If you allow the poisons of negativity, jealousy, infidelity, control, and other infiltrators to dictate and orchestrate your relationships, your relationships will surely fail.

In order to ensure that your chosen relationships are healthy, positive, and long lasting, it’s imperative that you work hard on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis to establish your relationship expectations and for you to become aware of and wise enough to recognize the “relationship slackers,” prior to allowing them into your life and most certainly prior to them contributing to your relationships. The same fervor you display on your paid job must be displayed on a daily basis in the work needed for the success, health, and wealth of your relationships.

Although it is imperative that you work at your relationships, work on your relationships, and work in your relationships, you cannot downplay the reality that you must also have people who are contributing to your relationships positively. Along with many of the aforementioned attributes that you must allow others to contribute favorably to your relationships, financial resources are also important.

Why are you allowing your mate, your friend, or your family members to live in your home without healthy and positive contributions to the relationship? What you allow them to contribute to the relationship will determine what you get out of the relationship. And if they are “relationship slackers,” refusing to work or refusing to financially contribute to the household and to the relationship itself, you are receiving the short end of the stick. It is time for you to require those around you to work and contribute financially to your home and your relationships, just as you contribute to them.

It is also time for you to require your grown ‘children’ to get off their butts, engage their feet, their minds, and their abilities to not only find a job, but to also maintain a job and contribute to the household expenses. Stop allowing your chronically unemployed mate and/or chronically unemployed adult children to contribute absolutely nothing to their relationships with you. Stop allowing them to take up space in your home and in your head, while paying no rent, while eating your food, and while usurping your time, your energy, and your emotions, as they display daily levels of disrespect and bad attitudes.

In other words, it’s time for you to stop putting up with the “relationship slackers” in your life!  Stop enabling your lazy mate and your lazy adult children in their refusal to take responsibility for the role they play in their relationship with you. If you have to work inside and outside of your home and work in your relationships, everyone in your household should also do the same! What you allow others to contribute to your relationships will determine what you receive from your relationships!

You now have the awareness, insight, and understanding as to why it is important for you to choose the people in your life and to choose what you allow them to contribute to your relationships. It is now up to you to muster the confidence, the strength, and the tenacity for you to decide when enough is enough, as well as when to draw the line regarding whom you allow to contribute to your relationships, as well as what you allow them to contribute.

Take back your control, take back your household, take back your zest for life, and take back your healthy and positive relationships! And if you can’t do it alone, seek professional help from a licensed relationship/mental health professional. You deserve the best! However, you have to request the best, expect the best, and only allow the best to enter into and permeate throughout your life.  When you decide whom you will allow to enter into your life and into your relationships, as well as what and how much you will allow them to contribute to your relationships, you have made the decision that you will only settle for what’s right, what’s healthy, and what’s best for YOU! The ball is in your court; now make your goals!

©2017; J. Morley Productions, Inc; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30012; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Recognizing the Deceiver To Avoid Being Deceived

It is often known by most people that we are rarely hurt, disappointed, or deceived by strangers. The truth is, you are not as trusting of someone you do not know or of someone with whom you do not have some level of familiarity. Because you are fearful of what can and will be done to you, by someone you do not know, you will have your antennas up and cover yourself with your protective shield. In all actuality, it is rarely the stranger you fear who will break your heart, break into your home, break your confidence, break your rhythm, or break the essence of who you are. And you probably ask, why is this so?

You and I both know that we rarely, if at all, will allow a stranger to get too close to us. You and I are not willing to invest in strangers or trust them with our hearts, our minds, our body, or our souls…it just seems too risky, too dangerous, and the fear of the unknown outcome is too great. Now for some of you, you might not have this fear or carry these sentiments. Whatever the case, any time you allow others into your life while investing your heart, your mind, our time, your soul, and the essence of who you are, you put yourself in a position to be deceived and betrayed.

Although the stranger you meet is someone to be suspicious of, concerned about, and fearful of, you will probably not allow him/her to get close enough to you to hurt you, betray you, and deceive you. But, when you think about it, the person you fell in love with, the person you allowed in your head, allowed in your bed, slept with, ate with, and shared your secrets with, was a stranger at some point.

It is often a fact that prior to your intimacy with this person you allowed to cross the line into your self-life and secret life was a stranger. As you begin to ponder, think about, and assess the realities as to how you all moved from stranger-ship to friendship and then to an intimate relationship, you will come to recognize how blessed you are and how blessed you have been to have come as far as you have, while being unscathed. This person could have taken you out of your mind, out of your misery, and out of the very essence of who you are! You really did not and probably still do not know him/her.

If you are familiar with someone and have spent a fair amount of time with him/her, you are more likely to trust them and allow them to cross the great divide between stranger-ship, friendship, and then an eventual relationship. However, many of you believe that because you knew someone while growing up, because you all lived in the same block, played in the same neighborhood, you all attended the same school, and you enjoyed some of the same activities, nothing negative can or will happen to you. But, you are so mistaken! You haven't seen Joe or Emily in years. You can only identify with their past, but not their present, and you most certainly cannot identify with their future. You really don’t know them!

Because you believe you ‘know” someone, you will more than likely place your faith and your hope in them, believing they have your back. However, they will probably let you down at some point. As a result, you will lose confidence in them. Not only will it be difficult for you to trust them, it will be extremely difficult for you to trust yourself and others, especially when you feel betrayed and deceived.

If you were to rewind the movie reel of your relationships with these people, you would come to recognize that you saw the red flags quite some time before you allowed them into your life, investing in them with your confidence, your trust, and your beliefs. You believed and hoped that they would change. To change means to become different. The reality is people aren’t prone to become different. Your continuous investment in people who are continuously doing the same things they did yesterday, with additional excuses, and apologizes that mean absolutely nothing, is not so much an indictment of them as it is one of you. As a matter of fact, this is INSANE! The unfaithful will only stop being unfaithful to you when you stop accepting the behavior and enabling them to mistreat you and cheat on you as you have allowed month after month and year after year. The only thing they change is the nature of their game! It is time for you to ‘Recognize the Deceiver to Avoid Being Deceived!”

And you say your best friend, your children, your mate, your parents, your boss and others have disappointed you? They have constantly betrayed and deceived you? How were they able to violate your trust, unless you ignored your own truths and the truths these people have shown to you? Did you have unrealistic expectations of these people? Yes, it is true that when you have lemons, you can make lemonade, but the lemon will still be a lemon!

Whether your relationship with someone is platonic or intimate, the reality is, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE…THEY GROW! The greatest growth occurs when people mature and GROW UP! If they were deceptive when you met them, they will probably be deceptive when you leave them or they leave you. The only thing that changes is the depth of their deception; they step up their deception game, but they remain the same!

You must learn to see the deceiver you allowed into your life or the one who gained entry into your life through your blindness or state of desperation in his/her true light…as a deceiver. And with a deceiver comes deception. A leopard never changes its spots and a zebra never changes its stripes. You knew he/she was married when you became involved with him/her and now you are feeling betrayed because there is still a spouse in the picture! Why? You made wedding plans, but he/she never committed to you. However, you are blaming your mate and feeling betrayed. Why? You put your own ‘business’ in the street, letting everyone know your secrets. Now you are upset and feeling betrayed because your ‘best’ friend and your family are talking about your ‘business.’ Why? He/she was a habitual cheater while the two of you were dating, but you married him/her anyhow, believing he/she would change. Why? The truth is, you deceived and betrayed yourself. Therefore, you must come to recognize yourself as a deceiver when you aren’t willing to see the truth, stand for the truth, and speak the truth, just so that you can live a lie of pleasure for a short time.

At some point, you must come to realize that many times you set yourself up for the deceptions and the betrayals that you encounter in your life. You believe in the wrong people, the wrong situations and the wrong circumstances; investing in the wrong people, the wrong situations or the wrong circumstances; trusting in the wrong people, the wrong situations, and the wrong circumstances, without believing in, investing in, and trusting in a higher power, along with believing in, investing in, and trusting in yourself. Remember, deception and betrayal have a lot to do with the choices you make; choices such as whom you choose to allow into your life, whom you choose to keep in your life even if you did not invite them into your life, whom you trust, with whom you place your faith, your heart, your belief, and your expectations.

It is time for you to stop investing your energy in people and relationships that don’t yield the returns you expect; that’s if you are looking for or expecting returns. You will most certainly get what you expect, and if you expect nothing, you will receive absolutely NOTHING! Some of you were so bent on returning the White House to a fully ‘white’ house, in order to get President Obama out of the White House and out of the his-story books, that you were willing to do almost anything. You placed your trust, your hope, your beliefs and your expectations in a deceiver who had shown you who and what he stood for. You believed that you would receive something different during the 2016 presidential election by voting for the person currently serving as the president of this great nation; or you chose not to vote at all. Either way, you invested in the choice you made, you had high hopes, and you had high expectations. However, over the past seven months, you have felt let down, betrayed, and deceived. It seems as if the green grass you sought has become artificial turf. At this point, you are feeling very disappointed. The question is, who betrayed whom? You set yourself up to receive the outcome that has taken place, and there is no one to take responsibility for the outcome but you, especially when you saw the reality of what you would be getting from the onset. You recognized the deceiver, but you did not avoid being deceived!

Take some time to sit back and take stock of your life through reflective engagement. This time is not intended as a time to kick yourself in the ass because of your past mistakes. It is a time for you to take a look at those mistakes and assess the role you played in them occurring. Some crucial mistakes are the ones you made by letting old flames and old relationships to reenter and rekindle in your life without having full knowledge of their past or their present, and without a connection to and with your future. It is also looking at the new relationships you formulate, quickly crossing the lines from stranger-ship to friendship, and then relationship, without in depth knowledge of their past, their present, or their dreams for their future. These are the people you allowed into your life without instituting clear and consistent boundaries, ensuring balance in your life. These are the people who brought you packages not wrapped in your favorite color, but packages wrapped in your least favorite color. These are packages sometimes wrapped in your favorite color, but they do not have your name on them. These are packages of deception and betrayal. These are packages where you must “Recognize the Deceiver to Avoid Being Deceived!”

You must also come to recognize that when you don’t have clear boundaries and allow imbalance to take hold of your life, you are setting yourself up for deceit and betrayal. In other words, you are setting up for the ‘okie doke.’ People cannot deceive you or betray you unless you trust them and allow them to take up space in your head, your heart, and your soul. When you allow people to park in your private parking space of life, you render yourself helpless and vulnerable to deception and betrayal.  Why are you picking up a snake and putting it in your bosom or pocket? And when it bites you, you feel deceived and betrayed. The snake didn’t deceive you or betray you…you knew it was a snake when you picked it up, and you know what snakes do!   

Even though years have weathered who and what you thought you knew, as well as what you currently believe you know about people in your life, you must be careful about letting your guard down and invoking your honor of trust, confidence, faith, respect, and love in people who are not in the same book, the same chapter, or the same page as you. You must also not be so desperate to be with somebody, that you wind up with anybody, who turns out to be nobody. You cannot be deceived if you keep your mind, your eyes, your spirit, your truth, and your mouth open. Everyone who comes your way is not necessarily going your way!

 You must recognize and prepare yourself for the setup of deceit and betrayal. You must also recognize the role you play in the deceit and betrayal process. Deceit is a deadly force that is not easy to defeat. Although it is very difficult for you to experience deceit and betrayal, you can recover from them. You have to take them for what they are and stand up to them when they appear by calling them exactly what they are. It is time for you to stop trying to battle with deceit and betrayal and learn to run from them and leave them behind! Deal with the emotional let down associated with these two demons and recognize the lessons learned from your experiences associated with having courted them for a time. Learn to forgive yourself and forgive the deceiver and the betrayer; they are not worth carrying in your heart; your heart is not big enough to share space with mess. This is also not the time to be vindictive or to get back at anyone; they are not worth it! However, it is the time for you to develop a plan of action for you to move forward in life, without deception and betrayal.

Thank God that you are still here to tell your story and you have decided to no longer allow deceit and betrayal to take up space in your home, your mind, your heart, or your spirit! They should not take up space for which they are not paying rent!


©2017; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Relationships Grow with Construction, Not Through Destruction

For some reason, when you enter into relationships, you often believe that they will last forever. However, there are many relationships that don’t and won’t last as long as you hoped that they would last. The reality is, how you start your relationships will determine their longevity. And if you aren’t continuously building upon the positives that you and your mate brought into your relationship from the onset, it is guaranteed that your relationship will not grow stronger, and it most certainly will not last through time.

We’ve had some very unpredictable weather for some time now. However, many times your relationships are just as unpredictable as the weather. The difference is, you can’t and you don’t control the weather, but you can control your relationships, without trying to control the people with whom you engage in relationships. It is a given fact that if you and your mate engage in relationship checkups at least every six months, you both will know what is lacking, what is striking, what is positive, and what is negative. If the relationship checkups are completed with honesty and without blame, you and your mate will have the greatest levels of predictability as to the longevity of the relationship.

It’s amazing that we have plans for building houses, plans for the day and the evening, plans for our wardrobes, plans for dinner, as well as plans for vacations, our careers, and our retirement. But we often fall short with no plans to keep the relationships we claim to cherish, growing and flourishing.

Just imagine if you and your mate both entered into your relationship with a plan in mind for love, commitment, longevity, and overall success of your relationship. The plan has to be a written plan that is agreed upon by you and your mate. The plan should include your goals, and your expectations for your individual selves, as well as your relationship, not just for the day, but also for tomorrow and beyond.

You must recognize that the growth and success of your relationship involves WORK! If you believe that you can sit on your laurels and do nothing to build upon and expand your relationship, it will suffer, not thrive, weaken, and eventually die. It is imperative that you don’t allow your relationship to lack the love, commitment, trust, respect, communication, lovemaking, sharing, and caring that it needs. Yes, sometimes you can breathe fresh air into your broken and limp relationship, but if by chance the neglect has gone on for an indefinite period of time, your relationship might need to be placed on life support. And you are aware that many times there is no survival while on life support.

Just as you build your wardrobe, your shoe collection, your memories and other things that matter to you, you must continue to build on your relationship, if it truly matters to you. You cannot engage in destructive behaviors if you desire to stay with the man or the woman with whom you chose to love and engage in a relationship. Having affairs, cheating, lying, cursing, name-calling, physical and emotional attacks, any form of abuse, engaging in addictive behaviors, and other destructive acts will chip and chip at your relationship until it is either rendered helpless, hopeless, or dead.

And the craziness that some of you engage in to make your mate jealous and/or love you more, if at all; is just that…CRAZINESS!! There will be times in your relationship when communication breaks down, times when you feel disrespected, you are angry, or you are fearful about your present and future life direction. However, these times are not the time for you or your mate to engage in destructive behaviors. Warfare is never fair in relationships!

There should never be times in your relationship that you or your mate decide to engage in emotional, psychological, physical, financial, and/or materially destructive behaviors. Why are you keying or breaking the windows of his/her car? Why are you calling his/her job or the IRS with destructive accusations? Why are you calling, his/her phone, or family members to harass them? Why are you stalking him/her? Why would you want to go after him/her with a gun or other weapon? These are all destructive behaviors. If you are engaging in them, STOP THE MADNESS TODAY! Destruction does not build healthy and positive relationships!

And it’s amazing that some of you seem to flourish in situations (that are really not relationships) that are tumultuous and life draining on a daily basis. However, true relationships thrive and survive because they are being fed healthy doses of love, healthy touches or love, healthy comments of love, healthy looks of love, as well as healthy acts of love each and every day. These healthy acts are truly a part of the construction process that keeps your relationship from falling into a coma, needing life support, without the possibility of survival.    

No matter how strong and how long you have been in your relationship, it cannot and will not flourish or grow when it’s under destruction. Your relationship cannot and will not thrive, nor will it survive under the weight of continuous anger, fighting, hatred, lying, animosity, and overall destruction. Further, when your relationship is in destruction mode, too many of you believe one of you has to win and the other has to lose; and you will believe that you must emerge as the winner and your mate must fall as the loser.

During the destruction process in what used to be your relationship, which has become a situation, you and your mate are now in a competition and no longer a part of a coalition. You have abandoned the ‘we’ and  ‘us’ mindset and have taken on the ‘I’ and ‘me’ syndrome. You seem to nurture intense efforts to not only win against your mate, but for you to also waste precious time in ‘getting back’ at him/her, ‘getting over’ on him/her, or taking steps to bring physical, emotional, social, psychological, and/or material harm to him/her. Just because you are hurting, doesn’t mean that everyone has to hurt with you or be hurt by you! These are acts of destruction, not only to your relationship, but also to your mate, your children, your family members, friends, and yourself.

You and your mate must decide whether you will be a part of the construction process in building and expanding your relationship, or whether you all are a part of the destruction process that is and will lead to the demise of your relationship. If the two of you have decided that you want to build your relationship and make it stronger, it is time for the construction process to begin or continue in your relationship. This must start with a solid foundation, which entails what both of you bring into the relationship.

Your attitude about each other and your relationship, as well as your belief that you and your mate are on a winning team TOGETHER, makes the difference as you continue to construct and build on your relationship. It’s having a win-win attitude, living together, while envisioning and speaking positivity each and everyday. It’s thinking positively and expecting positivity. What you think, speak, believe, and expect is what you will get and what you will have in your relationship.

Along with the regular relationship checkups, it is imperative that you all learn to focus on the positive attributes and characteristics that brought the two of you together. One of you has to take a stand for what’s right! Somebody has to be man enough and/or woman enough to admit wrong without shame and take responsibility for the roles played in the relationship. It might as well be you! An honest and sincere apology can be the first step to you and your mate starting or continuing with the construction process. It’s going back to the basics of any healthy relationship, ensuring open, honest, and positive communication, mutual respect, unconditional positive regard, commitment, and dedication, to and with each other. It’s you and your mate also evaluating your spiritual walk and taking responsibility for where it is lacking. It really makes a difference to have spiritual strength in your relationship; it gives you all an anchor when unwanted destruction tries to enter.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and God can show you and your mate the light to continue to move forward. You must first trust Him, trust yourselves, and trust each other. Always keep your relationship plan with goals and expectations close at hand so that it can be reviewed during your six months relationship check up. It is also important during the construction process of your relationship that you keep inferior situations and people out of the relationship. I call them infiltrators. If they are not assets, they are liabilities. The bottom line is, keep people out of your business, unless the two of you have consented to the involvement of a spiritual guide, a professional relationship therapist, or other trained expert.

Listening is always an important asset to help your relationship grow. You don’t have to have the last say, just hear the last word and move on! Choose your battles wisely and make time for and with each other. And remember, intimacy is more than sexual intercourse. Take time to have intimate conversations, intimate spiritual journeys, intimate walks, intimate projects, etc. A weekly date is always healthy and helpful, as well as allowing individual time with yourself during the construction process of your relationship.

You and your mate must remember that relationships grow with construction, and not through destruction! The two of you already have the blueprint plans for your present and your future relationship. Now its time to gather the tools provided above and get to building. But remember, any construction is a process and not an event. You can never stop the construction process, especially if you want your relationship to continue. Get up, and get going…you have some building to do!


©2017; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com