Saturday, April 1, 2017

If I Don’t Take You On I Won’t Have to Worry About How to Leave You Alone!

I am sure that there are times when you have wondered why your relationships seem to constantly fail. The question is, are they true relationships or are you continuously entering into situations? And then there are times when you have asked yourself why you don’t seem to be able to find and hold on to genuine friendships, or how the ‘fake friends’ have been able to enter into your life?

Have you ever come to the conclusion for one reason or another (and sometimes for many reasons), that you have been involved with the wrong man or the wrong woman, often times discovering your situation a little too late? And the same can be said for the so-called friends whom you have allowed to penetrate your life. Simply put, they have been the wrong people to have as friends. Often, it’s because you tend to take people into your life because there is an attraction…either a one-way or a two-way attraction, and you are desperate to fill a void. Anita Baker once sang, “You can’t do right cuz you’re the wrong man.” The failure of your relationships and friendships could be because the people you engage with are the wrong people!

When you think about it, rarely do you take the time to effectively and thoroughly vet the people you let into your life. Just because they are attracted to you or you are attracted to them, it doesn’t mean that you have to take them on or take them in.

Everything and e everyone that looks good on the outside is not necessarily good on the inside. In actuality, they are not always a good fit for you! And sometimes, like a pair of small and narrow shoes which you are enamored by, you try to stuff your big and wide feet into, you do the same in trying to fit people into your life who don’t fit for one reason or another, all because he/she ‘looks good,’ and sometimes they sound good. But then good is relative! What do you have in common with him/her? And have you taken the time to get into his/her head before you ask him/her into your bed? And sometimes, there is no asking; you all just fall into a bed, any bed, together, without vetting, by making a decision through a process of betting and hoping that things will work out.
 
Many times, it’s hard to hold onto what or whom you want to have in your life, and it’s hard to get rid of what or whom you don’t want in your life. You will have to make a decision and take action to either hold on to him/her or decide how to leave him/her alone, while you try to move on. The problem starts with your level of desperation to be with somebody, that you wind up with anybody, who many times turns out to be nobody.

Forming healthy relationships start with you establishing healthy friendships. But even your friends need to be vetted. It’s about you not being so desperate to belong to someone, or to be with someone, that you are willing to belong to and be with anyone. It’s also about you deciding not to compromise on what is truly best for you. Had you done your homework by gathering background,  historical, and current information about him/her, by asking the right questions, engaging in avid research and investigation, and moving from a place of desperation to a place of preparation, you wouldn’t be in the space that you constantly find yourself…involved in failing situations with the wrong people.

A former R & B singer once sang, “If you don’t like the peach, walk on by the tree.” Like picking unripen fruit from a tree, why are you constantly picking up people who are not yet ‘ripe’ for you, as well as those who are also not ‘right’ for you? You really should have a well thought out and ‘written relationship success checklist,’ which includes the characteristics you desire to have in the friends and the mate you would like to have in your life.  It entails and details what you want as well as whom you want in your life, and the characteristics you expect them to possess.

Your ‘written relationship success checklist’ should read like a laundry list or grocery list. Take it with you as you meet that someone you are attracted to and as you engage in dates with him/her. As you would your laundry list, separate the characteristics on your ‘relationship success checklist’ by categories of ‘will accept’ and ‘won’t accept.’ Don’t be afraid or ashamed to take a trip to the men’s room or women’s room while out to dinner or on a date with him/her. Take out your checklist to assess your written pros and cons as they relate to your date. If the cons outweigh the pros, this is nine times out of ten someone you probably should not take on or take into your life.

To ensure what and whom you are taking on and into your life, you should also have a  ‘written relationship success action plan.’ This action plan details the process (how) you will vet people you might be attracted to, prior to connecting with them, as well as the steps you will take in order to get what and whom you want in your life, including what you are and aren’t willing to compromise.

This ‘written relationship success action plan’ should also include timelines with dates. The timeline and dates should be written in increments of three, six, nine, and twelve months. There should be no rush to bring people into your life, without using your ‘written relationship success action plan.’ It’s time for you to learn to take life and live life in small chunks, instead of big hunks.

Not only should you  have a ‘written relationship success action plan’ for engaging in successful relationships, it is also imperative for you to have an action plan with steps dictating how you can and will disconnect from people who don’t fit into your life. This will be your contingency plan. The main thing is not taking on people from the onset, who don’t fit into your life and learning to not pick up or engage with people who are not yet ‘ripe’ for you, and most certainly those that are not ‘right’ for you. Even though you might tell yourself, ‘I see potential,’ it is not your duty to try to fix anybody in an effort to have him/her to reach his/her full potential. That’s their job…not yours!

Once the people you want in your life have passed the ‘written relationship success checklist’ test, the ‘written relationship success action plan’ allows you to state what you need and what you want in your relationships. It allows you to ask boldly and unabashedly for what you need and want in order to engage in a healthy and successful friendship or  relationship. It is essential that you learn to participate in choosing the people you want to let into your life and into your space, based on your ‘written relationship success checklist,’ and your ‘written relationship success action plan.’ 

Too often, you have allowed people to choose you to fit into their lives, based on what they are looking for, exclusive of what you need and what you want to fit within your own life. There will be times that people wanting entrance into your life will say to you, ‘God told them you are the one for them.’ What makes God speak to them about you fitting into their life and He hasn’t said anything to you about having them in your life? And then you wonder why, what you thought was a relationship is truly a situation, and it fails.

At some point in your life, if you are not already there, it is hoped that you will gain the strength to shed whomever does not fit into your life, or more importantly, not take him/her on or into your life. Just as the winter sheds its liabilities, you must learn to shed the people that are not assets, but serve as potential liabilities in your life. I am sure that many of you have taken on and have probably taken in friends, family members, or mates during the winter, believing that they will become fruitful relationships in the spring. But then, after the winter thaw and the rising of the new sun, many of you are probably asking yourself, ‘what the hell?!’ You have once again found yourself not only being attracted to rift-raft, but you have taken him/her on and into your home. Now you are asking yourself, ‘how did I become a friend or mate to or with him/her?!’ And the most serious question that you are asking yourself is, ‘how did I let him/her into my life, into my head, and especially into my bed?!’ You are also probably asking yourself, ‘what was I thinking?’ Guess what? You weren’t thinking at all…you were only feeling! What was once an attraction has now manifested into a distraction, causing massive disruptions in your life!

Yes, it’s easy to pick up people and include them in your day-to-day life, whether they fit or not. But you must remember, it is not as easy to get rid of them or leave them when the cover has been pulled from over the reality of who they truly are. In order to not waste your time on or with the wrong people in your life, you must remain vigilant in blocking the entrance of rift-raft, mess, and ultimately stress into your life. If you don’t take certain people on, you won’t have to figure out how to leave them alone. What and whom you choose will be exactly what and whom you will have in your life. You must remember that you have a choice in any matter involving you and your relationships!

It is also easy to be attracted to people or for people to be attracted to you during the darkness of life’s winter. However, it doesn’t mean that they or you fit with each other or that they should be brought into the light of your life. It’s the cold, the dark, and the dormancy, that can create within and around you a sense of complacency, keeping you from reaching your destiny. Being attracted to someone doesn’t mean that he/she should enter into your life or stay in your life from one season to the next, let alone move into your space, and most certainly not into your place.

‘If you don’t take people on, you won’t have to worry about how to leave them alone’ when they fail you. Just because you are attracted to them or they are attracted to you, it doesn’t mean that you have to engage with them and become attached to them. It is time for you to take a realistic look at the people in your life, deciding if they truly fit into the light of your life. Decide whom you should attach to, as well as whom you should allow to attach to you as you travel through life. As you gain greater understanding as to why you seem to keep attracting the ‘wrong’ people into your life, and why you keep allowing the attraction to become an attachment, with you taking on and taking in the ‘wrong’ people out of desperation, you will become stronger and wiser, with greater discernment. You will then see through the bull jive and approach people with open eyes. You will no longer allow what others want for their lives to become your obligation, nor your destination. When it comes to people, you’ll be able to establish clear and consistent boundaries and learn whom to take on, so that you won’t have to worry about trying to hold on, when it’s time to let go and move on!


©2017; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P. O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com; joyce@doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Your Success is Your Success!!

You are probably thinking that you should be well on the road to attaining the success that you have worked so long and so hard to attain. But, in all actuality, are you truly ready to receive your success, even though you have been saying that you want it and you’ve been looking forward to receiving it for many years? When it comes to the topic of success, you might want to ask yourself a few questions. Some of these questions are: ‘How do I define success?’ ‘What does success look like for/to me?’ And, ‘Why haven’t I attained the success I would like to attain?’ As well as, ‘What do I need to do differently in order to believe that I am successful?’

Success is an internal state of mind and a state of being. Too often, as human beings, we use external perspectives and material things to determine our level of success. We many times mistake material things as being the true and ultimate measure of our success. But, in reality, success is an inner state of being that grows and permeates your entire being, manifesting into the material and external attributes seen by others.

If your success is measured by the job position you hold, the car you drive, the clothes you wear, the man/woman you are with, the house you live in, the money in your bank account, as well as other material things; you have a problem. If and when these things and people are no longer in your life, you will then consider yourself a failure. And if you lack love for yourself, you don’t know how to accept yourself, and be with yourself, you are not successful. If success is a sense of being, YOU ARE SUCCESS and you are SUCCESSFUL!

The external and material things that you amass, only serve to elevate you to a new economic, social, political, and emotional level. However, they do not determine your level of success; you do! And if these material and external things and people no longer exist (which at some point they won’t), because you are grounded in your internal state of being, you will still exist, with a new sense of direction, a new plan of action, and a new sense of accomplishment, manifesting itself into an internal and external level of success.

Material things will fade away. However, the love and acceptance that you have for you will last forever! By the mere fact that you are who you are, dictates that you are successful! As a matter of fact, it is your internal love, your self-acceptance, as well as your self-confidence that permeates from the inside, empowering you to attain the material wealth you will eventually gain on the outside. Once you realize that YOU ARE SUCCESS, you will come to recognize and realize that no one…I mean no one can take your success from you. “YOUR success is YOUR success!

As you are aware, success can be a lonely place. You have been looking for your success, expecting it to come at any minute, but you’ve also struggled to get your mind right in preparation to receive it. I am sure that you have asked yourself, ‘Am I truly ready for success?’ ‘What will I do with it when I get it?’ ‘How will others view me once I become successful?’ ‘Will I have to share my success with others; and if so, how will I determine who they are?’

In order to recognize and behold the success that is inherently yours, you must stop looking at what you consider to be the success of others, in order to measure your level of success. For some of you, success occurred by happenstance; you weren’t expecting it. You knew that you wanted something(s) better and different in and around your life, and success just happened.

Yes, there were many who inherited material wealth and saw it as success. But the true measure of success is what comes through you…your mind, your heart, your spirit, and the work of your hands.

Successful people have taken the tools and information that they have gathered from other people and situations, as well as their own experiences to catapult them to various levels. They believed in their internal strength, in order for them to dream and imagine where they are, where they are going and the trajectory for which they would like to reach. Successful people have also developed plans for what they could have and want to have on the outside. They also had specific, realistic, written, and attainable goals and plans, with timelines.

When it comes to you recognizing and beholding your success in life, I am sure that you have struggled with additional questions, as well as various levels of fear and/or anxiety; so much so, that you will either miss it when it arrives; you will feel guilty about having it; or you will sabotage your chances of receiving your success. Hence, it is time for you to realize that if you have worked hard to accomplish your success, and you did not take anything from anyone or step on the heads and hands of others in order for you to gain your success, you have nothing to fear and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Also, it is time for you to realize that not everyone is meant to journey with you on your road to success or join you at the end of the road when you receive and celebrate your success.

It is time for you to rid yourself of the guilt and fear regarding the success you attain in life. You must also learn to recognize the people, situations, and circumstances that can contribute to you sabotaging the success that is meant for you. It is also time for you to make guilt-free decisions about the people you take with you and the ones you leave behind, on your road to success. Yes, you might want to take some of your family members with you, some of your friends with you, as well as a partner who has been a liability, not an asset. However, you must weigh your options and decide who are the people you want to sit at your ‘board of directors table.’ There should be a limited number of seats at your table. The seats you fill with others should be indicative of people who recognize that “Your Success is Your Success!” There is no place for jealousy and haters at your board of directors table or along your success journey.

You can relinquish any guilt that you might have about those who will engage in your success circle, once you have actually reached the level of success you have worked hard to attain, as defined by you, and only you. Get ready, get ready; YOUR success is knocking at YOUR door! Will you hear it, see it, and receive it?! GO GET IT!!

Steps to take in recognizing that “Your Success is Your Success”


1.     Love you first.  It is imperative that you have a relationship with you before you will be able to recognize your inner success and attain your external and material success.
2.     Be yourself.  Perpetrating a fraud never works! If you have to change who you are in order for you to reach your goals and declare yourself as successful, you will never be successful, because you will have walked in the footsteps of others and not your own. And they were probably perpetrating also.
3.     Be specific about what you are looking for and expecting as you seek your success.  Your needs and wants are imperative to attaining your success. You must have a specific, written, plan of action, which includes, realistic and attainable goals, timelines, and a contingency plan. If you are not sure as to what you are looking for on your road to success, you will probably settle for anything.
4.     Decide the people you need to keep and those you need to eliminate on your success journey. Recognize that some people will be assets and some will be liabilities. But the greatest recognition is that everyone cannot journey with you, especially the liability placeholders.
5.     Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Recognize the people in a position to help you along your journey and don’t be afraid to ask for help. You don’t know everything and everyone; and that’s okay!

6.     Recognize who got you to where you are and where you are going and don’t ever forget or hesitate to do so privately and publicly!  It is imperative that you recognize the power greater than you on a daily basis. This recognition includes you engaging in daily prayer and thanksgiving, before your success journey begins, on the journey to your success, and most certainly, praying continuously after you have attained your success. Trust God!


©2017; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P. O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Small Love Rituals to Keep Your Love Fire Burning

It has long been a ritual in America and other countries for lovers, almost lovers, want to be lovers, and sometimes used-to-be lovers to profess their feelings for and to one another on Valentine’s Day.  These rituals of professing one’s love and affection often include giving something to each other, such as candy, cards, flowers, other gifts, as well as engaging in activities with each other, such as going to dinner, to the movies, other events, and even going on trips. But, hold up! What happened to the other three hundred and sixty four days of the year? What did you do prior to Valentine’s Day and what do you plan to do after Valentine’s Day to profess your love and affection o the person who captures the eye of your affection?

Many of you have often used the mythical character Cupid as the symbol of showing your erotic love, affection, and desire for another. Valentine’s Day seems to be the most exclusive day when you are given permission to once again, like Cupid, draw back your bow and let your arrow fly. Many of you spend a lot of time wondering when and if you will be on the receiving end of someone’s love arrow, or if you will send your own love arrow. Some of you, because you are trying to love more than two people (which is a challenge), are also trying to figure out to whom you will be aiming your love arrow.

 Whether you are sending or receiving a love arrow for Valentine's Day, or any other day of the year, it is important for you to remember that love should be a two-way process. And if it isn't, you might begin to assess the situation you're in, and the person with whom you are in the situation. In all actuality, you might want to spend some introspective time engaging in an assessment of whether you are in a situation or a relationship.

On the other hand, a relationship means that you will share your erotic love, affection, and desires for another for more than one day of the year. In other words, in a true relationship, you will commit for the long haul, in a relationship of choice and not a situation of convenience.

I hope that you are not aiming your love arrow toward someone with whom you only expect to engage in a situation, because a situation is only a temporary state. A situation is not usually a reciprocated process. It will soon end, because you will not invest in it the way you invest in a relationship.
Like many others, in a situation, you forget that the same things it took to get your mate, it will take the same things for you to keep him/her. Remember those rituals you used to get him/her? They don’t matter in situations. However, they are essential in maintaining a healthy and positive relationship.
                                               
The reality is that many of you have forgotten the rituals you engaged in when you were shooting your Cupid arrow toward your mate. The small gestures of love, affection, and desire that you used to shower your mate when you were on the chase to get him/her must remain throughout time, if you want to keep him/her. And in some cases, you must engage in them more often.

If you aren’t careful to ensure that you are constantly placing love logs on the love fires of your relationship, you might find yourself alone. That love you thought you found on a two-way street will be lost on a lonely highway! As a fire must have more logs added to keep it burning, your relationship also needs love logs in the form of healthy and positive rituals consistently added to it, in order to keep the romance growing.

Love is action and not an announcement or a pronouncement! In order to keep your love flowing, and to keep your relationship moving forward and going stronger, you must take action on a daily basis to not only tell your mate how you feel about him/her, but to also take action to show him/her how you feel. It really doesn’t take that much. You did it when you engaged in the chase, now decide to continue it after the chase is over!

And in all actuality, when it comes to true love, you don't have to make grand entrances, have firework displays everyday, buy enormous and expensive gifts, travel the world, or become a poet laureate in order to increase the level of romance and love in your relationship. However, you must continue to do something positive and affectionate, no matter how small. It is the small, cutesy, funny, surprising, different, challenging, luring, and enticing things with which you started the relationship that will keep it going.

There are many small love rituals that you can engage in on a daily basis in order to increase the romance and love in your relationship. Increasing your romance and increasing your love strengthens and extends your relationship. There are specific love rituals that you can use to ensure that the fire within your relationship continues to burn hot. It is important to remember that you cannot wait until you only have embers left before you add additional logs in order to stoke the fire. You have to keep adding love logs while the love is still burning bright and hot. What’s love got to do with it? EVERYTHING, especially when you remember that love is ACTION and NOT a STATEMENT!

Here are a few small rituals that you can engage in in order to keep the fire in your relationship burning healthy and hot! And don’t be shy; steam only means that your love fire is still burning!     

  • Take time on a regular basis to go down memory lane rekindling how you all first met.
  • Make it a regular ritual to celebrate the anniversary of your first date. If the venue STILL exists, revisit it.
  • Revisit the places you all frequented when the chase was taking place--the restaurant, movie, theater, or dance hall.
  • Sit together in a comfortable place (the couch, the floor) and look at photos of exciting times, and places that you and your mate spent together, such as your first date.
  • Celebrate your first lovemaking experience together. You can talk about it and recreate it as often as possible.
  • Reminisce with each other as to what and why you fell in love with each other.
  • Laugh together on a daily basis. Even when things might be tough, one of you has to take responsibility for keeping laughter in the relationship. It’s okay to joke in moderation.
  • Get up with a kiss, and go to bed with a kiss for and with each other.
  • Develop a handwritten note at least once a month, which documents the most positive characteristics that you STILL find in your mate. Frame it and post it in a conspicuous location for your mate to see on a daily basis  (living room or bedroom), reminding him/her how you STILL feel.
  • Develop a “Five Wonderful Things I Love About Being with You” list, every six months and present it to your mate, over dinner, at breakfast, or just while relaxing together. Can you repeat the things you share? Yes you can. But, as your relationship progresses and grows, you should find more and more new things that you love about being with your mate, to share with him/her.
  • Take a relationship checkup every six months. Write out what each wants to do and is willing to do to make each other’s lovemaking experience a day/night of fireworks. Present it to your mate. Evaluate your role in making the sparks continue to fly and don’t be afraid to see room for improvement.
  • Develop handmade cards for each other for birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions that express your feelings for each other. This will show your mate how much personal time you are willing to invest and sacrifice for him/her in order to keep the love fire burning.
  • Write a monthly pledge stating what you are willing to do for and with each other over the next six months in order to make your relationship even stronger. Share it with each other and take time each month to ensure that you are actually doing what you said you are willing to do.
  • Engage in sharing a loving touch each and every day to help your love to stay.
  • Establish a weekly date night that you all engage in each and every week. It can take place at home or outside of the home. Go dancing, to dinner, or get a massage. And if there are children, use the services of a friend, family member, or a babysitter to help while you and your mate enjoy each other. Nothing or no one should interfere with that date night.
  • Pray together each and every morning before leaving home and each and every night before going to bed and.
  • Learn how to say I love you, even when you don’t feel like saying it. Say it and show it!
  • Learn to thank God on a daily basis for being blessed with having your mate in your life! Expressing gratefulness and gratitude to God opens doors for you to appreciate each other even more.


©2017; J. Morley Productions, Inc; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com; joyce@doctorjoyce.com  

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