Isn’t it amazing that we expect women and men to coalesce, engage sexually, create a child, and immediately become mothers and fathers? The reality is, mothers and fathers are created through a process over time. Although males and females are born with the capacity to one day become parents, they are not born as parents. According to John Locke, humans are born as a blank slate, and the world then writes its imprints on them.
As a man, you are most certainly in an enviable position. You enjoy the pleasures of the sexual intercourse necessary to help the woman procreate. If you choose, you can then walk away after the fertilization process and after you have written your imprint on the child yet to be born. You don’t have to carry the child once it is conceived, or engage in hormonal changes, body changes, or emotional changes, while carrying a child continuously flipping and kicking inside of you. And you have no idea about the art of labor and childbirth. But yet and still, once the baby is born, you are instantly called a ‘father.’
The preparation for males to become fathers starts when they are little boys. It is hoped that male children have a father in their homes, serving as a model and a role model, providing love, direction, moral and spiritual guidance, respect for self and respect for women. The reality, as you and I and are keenly aware, is that there are many boys growing up without a biological or surrogate father in their homes, especially in African-American households. Although mother might have a man in her life and even in her home, providing and meeting some of her needs, this man might neglect the needs of her son. As a matter of fact, even though mom’s man knew she was part of a package deal when he got with her, he often denies one part of the package, which is her children, especially her son.
If mom’s male child has been denied by or rejected by his biological father, and once again rejected by mom’s man, then who teaches him how to be a man, in preparation for becoming a father? Often, the tragedy is that he learns how to be a man and how to be a father all on his own. But, you are probably asking, how does a boy teach himself to be a man and then a father? He doesn’t! He lives vicariously through the lives of other males who are probably in the same or similar situation as the boy without a father or without positive male role model in his life. Unfortunately, you then have the blind leading the blind.
If mom’s mate is seen as “Mister” or “Uncle,” another problem exists. The male child is cheated of the ability to see a father in action. He has no real connection to “Mister” and although the term “Uncle” carries with it a term of endearment, it is still not dad or father, which carries different meanings for the male child. He witnesses the intimacy mom has with her mate, but rarely, if ever, receives the benefit of fatherhood from this man.
Boys must be groomed from childhood into adulthood, in order for them to be prepared for fatherhood. As a single mother, you can do a great job with rearing your sons from childhood into adulthood. However, they are still in need of strong male models and role models in their lives during their growth and development periods. There is a definite need for every little boy to experience the positive direction, love, and teachings of a strong man in his life. Unfortunately, in many African-American households, the presence of a strong male model and role model is missing.
The reality is, even though the father of the African-American male child or any other child is not in his home, he can still have a strong presence in his life. Parenting and fatherhood should include a relationship with sons that also encompass a presence, even though that presence might not be a permanent one that includes a residential arrangement. As an adult male, it is important that you only create as many children that you can contribute to and take care of financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, morally, time wise, and in other ways. Remember, you are responsible for helping the boy to become a man, in preparation to become a father! And if you decide to abdicate your role and responsibility as father or surrogate father, you are basically setting your son up for failure as a man and as a father. If you are a stepfather and see your mate’s son as a stepson, you will treat him as just that…a stepping stone to get to his mother, but not play a major role in his development and growth as a male child.
In reality, it isn’t that complicated! It’s a no brainer! As a man, if you help to make a baby or take on a woman with children, especially a male child, you are responsible for the upkeep, upbringing, uplifting, and uprising of your biological child, as well as the biological child of your mate, from childhood into adulthood, and eventually fatherhood.
Yes, I know! It’s almost impossible for you to be a father to your own son or the son of your mate if you haven’t had a father in your life. But, guess what? It is never too late for you to learn now what you didn’t learn then! So you say that money is an issue? It wasn’t an issue when you got with your son’s mother or mother of your stepson or the mother of your ‘woman friend.’ Okay...money does help. As a matter of fact, money makes a great impact. However, there are some greater attributes that you, as a man, as a father, as a surrogate father can contribute to the male children with whom you are engaged or should be engaged in their lives.
Whether you are with the mother of your son, the mother of another man’s son, you owe it to this male child to contribute and model love, respect, kindness, unconditional positive regard, morality, honor, understanding, spiritual direction, emotional security, positive conversations, laughter, and all around compassion. Although you might have missed out on being recognized as a prince as you were growing up, it is important for you to recognize and treat your male child, whether biological or not, as a prince. And if this male child is an African-American, he most certainly is in need of stability and to have the aforementioned attributes provided to him on a daily basis.
The reality is that in order for powerful fathers to exist, we must have powerful men. It is expected and hoped that boys will grow into strong men, who will eventually become strong and committed fathers. These fathers must be willing to not only take a stand, but to also take a stance for what is right, moral, proper, and honorable; not just for themselves, but for their children. This responsibility extends beyond biological children. It also extends to those children whose biological fathers might not play an active role in the lives of their children, either by choice or by their inability to do so.
Here are a few words to mothers of sons. If you want your sons to grow and become strong, powerful, and responsible men and fathers, stop taking care of your sons while raising your daughters. Your sons need to have chores and responsibilities around the house. They also need to be accountable for their behaviors and actions, inside and outside of the home, while showing respect for himself, for you as his mother, for others, especially other females. You must also provide clear and specific boundaries, require him to complete his education, and ensure that he is disciplined as you would your daughter. As well, the man in your life who is committed to fatherhood must be allowed to discipline your son with love and compassion. If the man you love and who says he loves you cannot help you to rear your son from boyhood to adulthood, he might not be the man for you!
Further, mothers, boys need to be boys! They cannot replace their missing father, and they cannot be your man! And fathers, by your words, actions, and behaviors, you are the example for your son as to how he will become a man, and eventually a father. You are responsible for teaching your sons right from wrong and guiding them to manhood.
Society also has to play a major role in helping boys to become men and eventually fathers. Compared to any other race in America, African-American males are dying at a disproportionate rate, either by the guns of police officers or by the guns they hold in their own hands. One of the major problems is that America isn’t willing to see, doesn’t want to see, or won’t deal with the fact that there is an epidemic raging in African-American communities across the nation. Unfortunately, although many of you have recognized the problem, too many of the power brokers have turned their heads, closed their eyes, and sealed their lips regarding necessary funds and actions needed to help dry the tears of the mothers and fathers whose faces grace the evening news, on a daily basis.
To not value or respect the boy, the man, and the father in African-American communities, is to deny and decry the God who created all of us. To consider the deaths resulting from the use of opiates an epidemic in one race, but ignore the deaths of African-American males as a result of gun violence and not see the same urgency, is not only a travesty, it is a tragedy! It is time for each of you to begin to question the judges who see African-American fathers as three-fifths of a man, by barring them from engaging with their children. Child support is more than money! Child support encompasses emotional support, spiritual support, a loving touch support, as well as quality of time spent together support. However, when there is no value and no respect for the boys or the men, there won’t be and can’t be any value or respect for the father of the boys.
In all actually, African-American boys can’t and won’t become men and will never see fatherhood if they are continuously being cut down in the early years of their lives. Remember, fathers are created, not born! Although boys are born to be men, they are also born with the capacity to become fathers. However, there is a process for fatherhood and it starts in boyhood, with love, understanding, spiritual and moral guidance, direction, discipline, open and honest communication, as well as specific and clear boundaries.
I challenge you as men and women to recognize that, “Fathers Aren’t Born; They’re Created.” From that vantage point, it is imperative that each of you be willing to engage in the process of helping your sons, the sons of your family members, friends, neighbors, and others to move from boyhood to manhood, and eventually into fatherhood. And it is just that…a process. It is time for you to each take a stand and a stance to ensure that boys, men, and fathers of all races are treated fairly and treated like they are worthy and worthwhile. In other words, showing the boy, the man, and the father that they all matter!
The size, physical strength, penis, and facial hair don’t make boys men and fathers. It’s the imprints of all the people who contribute to grooming the boy that makes a man and a father. Take time out of your day to assess what positive role, if any, you have played or are playing in helping your son or other boys to become strong, healthy, and powerful men and fathers. And if you haven’t played a role and aren’t playing a role, it’s time for you to start doing so, especially in the lives of African-American boys and men. “Fathers Aren’t Born; They’re Created! Help to create some amazing father, all because you are one too!
©2018; J. Morley Productions, Inc. P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com
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