When People Tell You & Show You Who They Are, Believe Them!

This blog is dedicated in memory of twenty-two year-old Jana Watson, high school best friend of my granddaughter, Gabrielle Moore. Jana lost her life to gun violence two weeks ago. Although gone from the physical presence of this earth, her spirit lives forever within our hearts! We love you Jana!

Too often as human beings, we engage in relationships that we believe are destined to last forever and a day, or we engage in situations we hope will one day/some day become true, positive, and healthy relationships. But many times, even when we see the handwriting on the wall, red flags all around us, and our mate, friends, family members or others shows us or tell us who they really are, we refute their truths and their realities for our own fallacies.

I am sure you have heard the adage, ‘I can show you better than I can tell you.’ There have been times when you have had your mate, your friends, family members, children, and others whom you care about to say some mean and disrespectful things to you. They spew words of hatred, threats of death, and words of discouragement, instead of words of encouragement. They often attempt to deflate you in their efforts to inflate themselves. Sadly, you don’t believe their words and their actions; you love them. You believe they are ‘just having a bad day,’ just going through a phase, somehow you or someone else has provoked their negative words, and you hope and pray for change. You honestly believe that things will get better and your loved one’s words and actions will become nicer and better.

The problem is, when someone is telling you with their words how they feel about you and how they see you, BELIEVE THEM! Negative words and name-calling are the first signs of things worse to come. Abuse usually starts with words, and words then escalate and manifest into physical violence. However, you must learn when it is time to take the verbal abuse, negative comments, and name-calling seriously. You have to come to grips with what is being said as an indication of what will probably be done next.

As always, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE! What re they doing to change their behaviors? Did they go for therapy or are they going to therapy…real therapy with a licensed mental health professional? Are they or did they go to therapy because they believed that they needed help? Or, was the therapy an escapade or a ploy to keep you with them or for you to come back to them?

Although you have moved into the spring season, weathered the wiles of winter, sprung into the warmth of sunshine, and you are now beholding the beauty of flowers blooming, it seems as if you are stuck with the negativity associated wit winter. I know that on many occasions you have used the winter season to hide behind as an excuse for you to leave negative relationships and negative situations.

Even though the spring season dictates that you move beyond the clutches of winter’s cold, there are many of you who seem to miss the dormant and seemingly intimate state of winter. As a matter of fact, you are not ready to move forward and awaken to a new day and a new time, leaving some things, some people, and some relationships behind…in the darkness and cold of winter.

Isn’t it amazing how often you have been presented with new opportunities, new relationships, new situations, and yet you have chosen to return to the old, dormant, dark, and sometimes toxic, negative, and detrimental experiences of your winter existence? You believe the people and the situation have changed.  You seem fearful of moving on from situations and people who have not been good for you or good to you.

As a matter of fact, there have been times when you have actually sprung out of a bad or negative relationship or situation, but you have had a seemingly deep urge and need to return to the situation, not realizing that you are finally free. And many of you, especially women, have finally moved away, freed yourself of that negative relationship or negative situation, and left behind the truth about your former abusive mate, negative family members, toxic friend, and others. But somehow, you go back to pick up your favorite something that you left. 

There comes a time that you must realize that you should not return to the failed relationship or failed situation. Your mate, your family members, friends, and others have not only told you who they are, but they have also shown you who they are. And the reality is that they are not good for you! It is time for you to let go, relinquish material things, move forward, and in many cases move away from your physical space. 

At some point, you will come to accept that because your relationship or situation failed, it doesn’t mean that you have failed. Going back to a failed relationship or failed situation can mean your demise or your death. It is time for you to believe what you heard, believe what you saw, and believe that you deserve better. It is time for you to become empowered, move forward, move on, and not move back!

There are signs that you must recognize in deciding that you shouldn’t return to a failed relationship or failed situation. If you leave your purse, your favorite shoes, your pet, your car, or any other personal items, remember, it isn’t worth it to go back and retrieve…your life is more important! There is only one time around. No one has ever left this earth and returned.

Keep moving forward, don’t turn back, and don’t look back! There are people who love you and want you in their lives. Relationships with men and women are like buses…miss one and catch another one! Also, remember, God has a plan for your life. You cannot achieve His plan and walk in your destiny if you no longer exist! “When People Tell You & Show You Who They are, Believe Them!”

Ten Signs that You Should Not Return to a Failed Relationship or Failed Situation

1.        You ended the relationship/situation—there was no mutual dissolution of the relationship/situation. Men often live with pride, they hate rejection, often can’t stand to lose, and they don’t forgive or forget as easily. Going back might mean you will pay a dire price for a debt you don’t owe.

2.        There is no agreed separation agenda between the parties involved. If there is no agreed plan or goals for a separation, there is no commitment to resolve the situation and rectify what was wrong in the relationship for you all to come back together.

3.        The relationship/situation ended negatively—violently, with anger, contempt, abuse, rage, or the relationship/situation was always tumultuous. Why go back into something that has a track record of causing you emotional, psychological, and emotional pain? It will only get worse!

4.        You/he/she have difficulty dealing with rejection, jealousy, anger, control, fear, possessiveness, obsession/possessiveness, etc. A jealous or fearful person is a dangerous person. Because of their real or imagined fear, they will create stories and scenarios that might or might not be true, causing them to react violently. And women, if you are going to leave a negative relationship/situation, JUST LEAVE! Stop threatening to leave and stop using the threat of you leaving as a way of hoping the man will change his behaviors; it often does not work! (See #1)

5.        There are/were weapons involved or possessed, emotional instability, anger, disrespect. An angry person who is abusive is a dangerous person with a weapon. The fact that he/she has a weapon means that he/she will probably use it!  Just because you slept with him/her and/or lived with him/her, doesn’t mean you truly know him/her! Don’t delay and don’t play; this is serious!

6.        No real time has lapsed since the breakup…there is a rush to go back to a situation with unresolved issues. You just broke up and you are ready to rush back. What has he/she done since the last hateful word, negative name calling, slap, kick, or beat down, to make you believe that he/she is any different form the time you left?

7.        You/he/she can’t seem to move forward. You/he/she holds grudges, is obsessed with him/her, or the situation. Getting back together is for you or him/her/them to get back at each other…there is a plan to retaliate- JAMES BROWN—the Big Pay Back. You should never return to a failed relationship/situation just to get back at someone. And even more so, you shouldn’t return for that person to probably get back at you.

8.        You have no proof/evidence that the person(s) you ended the relationship/situation with has engaged in an in-depth process of receiving professional services to ensure behavioral, emotional, and attitudinal change since the breakup. You have no evidence that he/she has done or IS DOING anything different to ensure that he/she/they are not in the same place/space he/she/they were when the breakup occurred. PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE…they GROW!

9.        You/he/she/they have not undergone a process of forgiving yourself and a process of forgiving the person(s) you were involved in the relationship/situation with. He/she/they have not forgiven themselves and they will not forgive you for leaving. Sadly, too many men (not all) will make you pay for what they thought you did to them. An unforgiving person can never be trusted and they can be dangerous, to the detriment of you and your family.

10.     You are being led back by your heart and mot by your head-BY FEAR & EMOTIONS, NOT BY FACTS your reality, and the reality of the relationship/situation that precipitated the breakup…you are in DENIAL…you rationalize the situation—you avoid signs of DANGER! He/she told you & showed you who he/she is…BELIEVE IT!

©2016; J.MorleyProductions, Inc; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com