Stop Hating Based on Who You See & What You Think You Know!

In the words of the late great prophetic songwriter and singer Marvin Gaye, “believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.” When will we stop judging people and stop determining their value and their worth, based on what we see when we look at them, including the color of their skin (race), where they live, where they work, what they drive, what they wear, who they are connected to (class), their gender (sex/sexual orientation), and their youth or time etched on their faces (age)?

It might seem hard to believe that in the year 2013, people are still being treated less than human; they are hated, mistreated, and maltreated, based on the color of their skin, who they are, what they have or don’t have, who they know or don’t know, as well as where they live.  But, unless you are one of the people who has been on the end of the hate spectrum, it would be difficult for you to understand their walk and their trials, all because they were made different.  Just imagine if everyone looked like you or acted like you; what a boring world this would be!

And because there are differences in people, for over several hundred years, there have been too many people who have taken advantage of others by discriminating against them, based on their differences. On too many occasions, not only do these perpetrators discriminate, they tend to denigrate, and keep others from getting ahead in life, all because of their race, class, sex/sexual orientation, or age.  Hence, Isms were born...racism, classism, sexism, and ageism. It is often perplexing to find that those who are in the habit of practicing Isms see nothing wrong with it, and cannot seem to understand why the victims of these Isms feel the way they feel, and act the way they act. Think about it; if you awoke everyday to find a target on your forehead, and others on your chest and your back, and a ton of hatred aimed at you, all because you are different; you would probably understand their feelings and their actins.

I know that for many, having to admit that there are major Isms infecting and affecting relationships within our country on a daily basis is quite difficult to accept. And there are many who would like to sweep them under the rug and pretend that they don’t exist. There is too much pain, shame and guilt associated with the Isms that have plagued our nation for so long. It seems easier to move through life, leaving cracks in the doors of life, rather than to talk openly and candidly about these Isms from the perspective of the victim. And if you are a perpetrator, you probably don’t want to hear it anyhow.  But until we talk about racism, classism, sexism, and ageism, and decide to confront them, they will continue to destroy the very fiber of our nation.

If you are looking for evidence of some of the current Isms staring us right in the face within this country, here are a few. The Trayvon Martin case, which involved the murder of an unarmed African-American teenager who was literally stalked by his white perpetrator after the perpetrator was told by legal authorities not to follow him. But, because Trayvon looked different—black, young, and wearing a hoodie, he was singled out and labeled as a threat.

Further, this case included the prosecutor’s so-called ‘prime witness,’ Rachel Jeantel, a nineteen year-old African-American female, who was not only miseducated by the educational system, but was improperly prepared for the trial by the prosecutor, and had racial jokes made about her on social media. The culturally inept and culturally insensitive defense attorney, who opened the murder trial with ‘knock-knock’ jokes, disrespected her during cross-examination.

Sadly, those who have never been the victim of any of the aforementioned Isms find it difficult to see the racism involved in this case. If the perpetrator was black and the teenager was white, would this case be handled in the same manner? Most people tend to avoid talking about and admitting the truth about racism for fear of admitting that they are not perfect.  Who is? If the shoe fits, it’s time to wear it and find a way to take it off for good as you confront your own Isms!

To talk about the Isms would involve talking about the truth. The truth is that we, as a nation, are still stuck in the throws of power, control, hatred, malice, disrespect, and the belief that there are majorities and minorities, and some who are not only privileged, but also entitled, at the expense of others.   There are still too many who believe that the haves and the have not’s should be identified based on race, class, sex, and age. Although this is their truth, they are hampered from seeing and hearing the truth of those who are directly affected by these Isms.

Take a look at the racism and classism played out in the Paula Deen case, which unveiled a continuous disrespect and disregard for others in her employment. She used the ‘n’ word and other power tactics to keep her foot on the heads of others, all because they were different. Because of her race and her class, Ms. Deen began to believe that she had a free ticket to berate others, based on their race and their class.

A classic case of sexism played out in front of our eyes. It involved Texas State Senator Wendy Davis and the disrespectful attacks by Governor Rick Perry. Because of his position of power and his sex, Governor Perry believed he could use his words to not only disrespect, but to also disregard the accomplishments of Senator Davis and publicly humiliate her as a female who struggled as a single parent hood in order to become a State Senator.

There are many who still believe that one’s gender (sex and/or sexual orientation) should determine the value, the worth, as well as one’s lot in life. Come on; it’s 2013! When do we stop discriminating against others and stop excluding others from opportunities because of their race, class, se/sexual orientation, and/or age? For the victims who experience Isms on a daily basis, their idea of the American dream has become their American nightmare.  It is time to take a stand and fight the Isms, particularly racism, classism, sexism, and ageism. Either you stand for something or you will fall for anything!

It is past time for us as Americans to take a panoramic and realistic view of the Isms within our own lives, especially racism, classism, sexism, and ageism. These Isms not only impact those you choose to disrespect, ignore, exclude from opportunities, and not include in your realm of reality; they impact future generations and our nation as a whole. The first step of healing and moving forward is to admit that there is a problem; then to admit your role in the problem.

It is time to recognize that without love for each other, hatred and discrimination will continue. We can begin to love others when we feel comfortable with loving ourselves.  If you respect yourself, love yourself, and accept yourself, it makes it a lot easier to respect others, love others, accept others, and allow others to be themselves.  Confront your fears of insecurity about who you are, and you will be able to move forward on the path to healing and accepting others for who they are. It is also important to recognize that what belongs to you belongs to you. You don’t have to fear that differences will allow others to encroach upon what you have. There is enough of everything for everyone!!!

Marcus Garvey once stated, ‘hurt the nose and the eyes cry.’ Hopefully, one day each of us will come to recognize that every time you engage in the practice of Isms, you not only hurt others; you hurt yourself, your children, and the world in which you live. None of us is as great as all of us!

Who have you discriminated against or do you continue to discriminate against, minimize or berate (knowingly or unknowingly) in an effort to elevate yourself while deflating others?  The only time you should look down on anyone is when and if you are helping him or her up!

I challenge you today to become culturally competent; to stop perpetrating that you respect and accept people who are different from you, based on their race, their class, their sex, or their age.  Just because you THINK you KNOW someone in these areas who is different from you because they work with you, or who has been to your home, does not mean you are Ism free! I further challenge you to rid yourself of hatred and take on the armor of love for all people, no matter what race, what class, what sex, or what age; this is what God created us to do! 

Recognize that you are either a part of the problem or a part of the solution. Which do you choose today?!

·      RACISM:  The belief that race is the primary determinant of human capacity… especially the race of the person who holds the belief.

·      CLASSISM: The belief that the economic/social status/class of the person who holds the belief is the primary determinant of human capacity.

·      SEXISM: The belief that the sex/sexual orientation of the person who holds the belief is the primary determinant of human capacity.

·      AGEISM: The belief that the age of the person who holds the belief is the primary determinant of human capacity. This could apply to the young as well as the elderly. 

A Celebrated Father!

Thanks to Sonora Louise Smart Dodd of Spokane, Washington, we have observed and celebrated Father’s Day in the United States on the third Sunday of June since 1910.  Unlike Mother’s Day, Father’s Day took some time to be fully recognized and accepted.

Although men provide the sperm necessary to fertilize the eggs women carry in order to formulate one of God’s greatest creations—children, their day of celebration is not revered as strongly as Mother’s Day. And many might pose the age-old question…why??  We can most certainly assume many reasons for the discrepancies in the treatment and the celebration of fathers, compared to Mothers.

Mothers carry their children for nine months (on most occasions), they provide the pains of labor, and are generally the primary caretakers of their children during their formative years, and beyond. This intense and emotional involvement between mother and child provides a connection and a bond that fathers cannot rival.  And because of the roles we tend to slot women and men into, it is expected that women will mother their children and form nurturing relationships, while men are expected to ‘head the house,’ assume the role of ‘bread winner,’ and leave the emotional and spiritual guidance of their children to mothers.

These often skewed and misrepresented beliefs about the roles of mothers and fathers in the lives of their children many times handicap fathers in their God-given abilities to display emotions with their children. They also prohibit fathers from experiencing their human side, and sharing it with their children.  As a result, we have experienced generation after generation of children either growing up with fathers who are emotionally absent, physically absent, or totally unknown to their children (for one reason or another).  But, whatever the case, every child is created with the help of a man…the man called father.

Many fathers are given a bad reputation based on their seeming unavailability in the lives of their children. They are often ascribed negative labels when they are not there for their children—emotionally, physically, and financially. Some of these labels range from being called, “sperm donors,” “dead beat dads,” etc. Sadly, seventy percent of African-American households are headed by single mothers; there is no father present.  Whatever the reason, there are too many children without fathers; and there are too many GREAT men who are not with their children!   

According to a Department of Labor Bureau of Labor Statistics 2012 report, 18.9% of fathers who are unemployed are caring for their children without a partner in the home.  Further, 81.6% of employed fathers are in households with mothers.  And what about the ‘house husbands?’ These are men who for one reason or another, have opted to stay home with their children, reversing the stereotypical roles of fathers. There are even many more men who, through death or divorce, have taken on the role of primary caretakers for their children.

Then there are those fathers who desperately want to be with their children; to parent them, guide them, to play a major role in their children’s lives, and above all, to love them unconditionally. But, for many fathers, circumstances foreseen or unforeseen have rendered them incapable of doing so or unable to do so.  Nonetheless, to those fathers who have weathered the storm and beat the odds to not only father children, but to play an integral role in the lives of their children, we take our hats off to you. Are they doing anything spectacular? Not necessarily...this is just what GREAT fathers do!

Fathers are not perfect! As a matter-of-fact, who is?!?!  Let’s celebrate fatherhood and the men who have stepped up to the plate and continue to step up to the plate in the lives of their children.  It is incumbent upon each of us to remind fathers that we expect no less of them as fathers than we do of mothers.  As you embark upon the occasion to celebrate Father’s Day, here is your opportunity to celebrate the man who was instrumental in your existence as a human being…your father.

Whether your father played a major role in your life or not, you cannot deny the fact that he contributed to your life in a major way. HE HELPED TO CREATE YOU! And, it is acknowledged that there are many of you who don’t know who your biological father is; you’ve never met your biological father; you know who your father is, but either you could not or did not claim him (or vice versa); or you are estranged from your father for one reason or another. Either way, Father’s Day is the time for you to celebrate the man who assumed the role of father in your life.

Here is your opportunity to pay homage to the man who has shown you love, guided you, spent quality time with you, didn’t give up on you during tough times, and has been a shoulder to lean on.  This man doesn’t have to be your biological father; but if he has shown you the qualities of a father, he is worth celebrating. You might know him as dad, granddad, uncle, an older brother, a trusted male neighbor, a male family friend, or a male mentor; take the time to thank him and celebrate him!!

It is also important to recognize that there are many fathers who have not only stepped up to the plate when it came to their biological children; they stood by the plate, as well as on the plate with and for their biological children and non-biological children. It is time to recognize these AWESOME men for the wonderful job they have done and/or continue to do as fathers!

If you are not sure as to whether the man who has assumed the role of father in your life deserves celebrating or not, consider the characteristics below of Fathers Who Step Up to the Plate.”

A Celebrated fathers who “Step Up to the Plate”:

·      Acknowledges his children

·      Is responsible and accountable for his children

·      Loves his children unconditionally

·      Spends quality time with his children

·      Prioritizes his children

·      Is not afraid to be human

·      Is willing to recognize and admit that he is powerless; there is a power greater than hi,

·      Is willing to admit it isn’t all about him; it’s about his children

·      Is willing to set a strong foundation for his children

·      Is a role model for his children and others

·      Is a positive example for his children; sons and daughters

·      Strives to go from good to BEST as a man and a father

·      Are not normal, but EXTRAORDINARY in their role as father

·      Takes a stand for and with his children

·      Sacrifices for his children

·      Recognizes that he has a moral and spiritual responsibility to his children

·      Recognizes that his relationship with his children entails more than money

·      Is willing to forgive himself and others for the role he played or didn’t play in the lives of his children

·      Is willing to apologize to and ask his children for forgiveness for the role he played or didn’t play in the lives of his children

·      Is willing to start where he is to have a healthy relationship with his children

·      Is willing to listen and learn

·      Is not willing to avoid his child support responsibilities

·      Takes precautions to not continue to make children he cannot take care of

·      Shows his children that the greatest love he can show them is the love he has for their mother…no matter what the situation or relationship

·      Respects himself, his children, and their mother

·      NOT ONLY STEPS UP TO THE PLATE; HE STANDS ON THE PLATE FOR HIS CHILDREN!!!!!!!

They’re Grown…Let’em Move Out!

Anna Jarvis probably never envisioned how grand Mother’s Day would become in the United States when she lobbied to have the day recognized as a holiday.  She celebrated the occasion for the first time in 1908.  And now, over a hundred years later, Mother’s Day is celebrated annually the second Sunday in May.

Anna’s original reason for celebrating Mother’s Day went far beyond the flowers, the candy, and the dinner that we use in this country to commemorate the day.  Mother’s Day was originally highlighted to recognize mothers, motherhood, and the maternal bond.

Your mother is at the core of your very existence. Without her, you would not be here! And your mother isn't just the woman who was responsible for your birth; she is the woman who took on the responsibility of nurturing you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Your mother is the woman who has stood by you when no one else would...through thick and thin, when things were good or bad. She has worn many hats and has answered to many names: Mother, Mama, Grandma, or Big Mama.

However, many of you tend to take this woman for granted.  You get caught up with what your mother did; what she didn’t do; or some other unresolved issue.  Too often, these feelings become long-held grudges.  And your inability to forgive stunts not only your relationship with your mother, but also your emotional and spiritual growth. 

Maybe your mother allowed someone else to rear you; you didn’t have a father in the house; you didn’t have what the other children had…get over it!!  Recognize that you are now a grown woman or a grown man. What your mother didn’t do, she probably won’t do, or she can’t do at this time.  Instead of looking at what wasn’t, how about taking some time to look at what was; she gave birth to you!!!

This woman, who entered into motherhood for your sake and engaged in an emotional, spiritual, and maternal bond with you, deserves to be revered and respected by you.  And just because she is your mother or has assumed the role of your mother throughout your life, it doesn’t mean that she has to take care of you for the rest of her life.  It is time you truly start celebrating Mother’s Day by standing on your own two feet and stepping off your mother’s feet, off of her lap, off of her heart, out of her pocket book, and out of her house?!

Show your mother appreciation by giving to her instead of taking from her. YOU ARE A GROWN MAN or GROWN WOMAN!!  Yes, there IS a child in each of us; but grown means on your own! Okay! There are some circumstances when you might have to move back home with your mother. But, let’s be realistic!  How can you move back with your mother and not pay rent, not buy groceries, not chip in for utilities, and drain your mother of what sanity she has left, and then ask to borrow her car, because you don’t have one?  When do you become accountable for you?

And mothers, many of you are just as guilty as your adult children.  You are so afraid of your adult children ‘being mad at you’ or ‘not speaking to you,’ that you put up with mess that you would not tolerate from anyone else.  Too many of you have become boundary-less, enablers, and completely selfless. It is time for you to wake up and smell the roses! As long as you allow your adult children to treat you as if you are a doormat, a light switch, or a door knob, you are not helping them to be the men and women God appointed you to rear them to become. Stop enabling your grown ‘children!’  You deserve your own life!  If you don’t treat yourself better, how do you expect your adult children to treat you?

As mothers, there are many of you who tend to believe your adult son just can’t go on without you!  Give him a chance and he will make it one way or the other!  As mothers, too many of you tend to raise your daughters and take care of your sons. Guess what? You are handicapping your son, making it difficult for the next woman to enter his life; his girlfriend or his wife! 

Mothers it is time to stop enabling your sons and allow them to be men! You have done your job!  Cut the apron string; cut the umbilical cord and let your man-child be a man!  He can and he will do it… trust him; trust yourself and the job you have done in rearing him from boyhood to manhood!

As mothers, this blog is not written to blame you as a mother or to berate you in any way. However, the reality is that too often the problem with many men taking responsibility and being accountable for their manhood and their relationships with women is tied to their inability to pack their things and move away from their mothers emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically.

Further, this blog is in no way intended to indicate that a man should not have a relationship with his mother. As a matter of fact, he should; and women shouldn’t try to stop it.  The relationship must be healthy and positive, with boundaries.  Women, you should also be grateful if your boyfriend or husband has a healthy and positive relationship with his mother. His relationship with his mother is indicative of the kind of relationship he will have with you. Recognize that his mother is his mother and you cannot and should not try to duplicate her!  Mother’s have a place that no one can take! But, when your adult son has found that special woman, it is time for you to move aside and allow him to move out!      

In the final analysis, whether you are male or female, this Mother's Day, is another opportunity for you to celebrate your mother! It is also an opportunity for your mother to celebrate herself. And one of the best ways she can celebrate herself (and you can help her) is by allowing grown folk to be adults, letting go, and CUTTING THE UMBILICAL CORD!!!

For the sacrifices made by mothers, as well as their love and hard work, Mother’s Day ought to be three hundred and sixty-five days of the year; not just the second Sunday in May! Make everyday Mother’s Day! Give your mother a break by showing her what a great job she did in helping you to become the man or woman you are today. And mothers, if they don’t give you a break—take it!!! Help them to move on and move out; it doesn’t mean you love them any less. Every day is now your day!!  HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Using the Power of Words to Direct Your Life & Your Relationships

You’ve often heard and repeated the sayings, “The power of life and death are in the tongue”; “It’s not what goes in a man’s mouth that defiles him; it’s what comes out”; “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt.”

Words will never hurt?!  That’s a lie!!  They do hurt! And many times the emotional hurt of words is greater than some of the physical pain you experience; and it seems to last longer. Too often, the words you speak are dictated by your emotions regarding something, someone, or some situation. But, no matter what things seem like on the outside, and no matter what your feelings are on the inside, speaking positive words can bring life back into a seemingly dead situation.   

Words can be smoother than butter or cut like a two-edged sword. Yes, the words you speak have power beyond measure! As a matter of fact, the words you speak can make you or break you; they can free you or enslave you; they can promote you or demote you; they can help you to grow or stunt your growth; they can bring happiness or sadness; they can save your life or cost you your life.  The words you speak are so powerful that they can cut and they can heal you, all at the same time!

It is important to use effective verbal communication in achieving the dreams of your life, as well as helping you to attain and maintain healthy and positive relationships.  In essence, because the words you speak have power, they have a tremendous impact on how your day goes and how much your relationships grow. The words you speak are directly related to your life’s successes or failures.  Yes; the words you choose and the words you use are the basis and the base for directing your life, as well as your relationships!!!

The words you speak are reflective of what you believe. And if you believe  negatively, you will speak negatively (can’t); and you will engage in negative actions (won’t).  As a result of your negative beliefs, your negative speaking, and your negative actions, you will have negative results (consequences). Therefore, you must learn to rid yourself of your negative beliefs, negative words, and negative actions by changing what you believe and what you speak (dispute).  It’s as simple as ABC; your (B)eliefs determine your (A)ctions, which determine the ensuing (C)onsequences. Through (D)isputing your negative beliefs and changing your negative (B)ehaviors—what you speak… you can change the outcomes of your relationships and your life experiences.

Your words are the seeds you plant for your life’s harvest.  If you continue to plant words of negativity through what you speak on a daily basis, the harvests of your relationships will be few and meager.  So too, will be the harvest resulting in your life endeavors.

You must learn to equate the words that you choose and use on a daily basis to that of taking a one-a-day vitamin or other daily life sustaining medications.  Although you are ingesting medications to ensure a healthy physical state, you tend to speak words that can and will not only negate the effects of the medication on your body, but also negative words can and will damage, destroy, and kill your mindset, your emotional wellbeing, your motivation, your hopes, and your dreams! In other words, look at the use of daily positive words as medication for your mind, body and soul!!!!

If you believe that you deserve the best in your relationships and in your life in general…it is time for you to speak it and receive it!!! It is time for you to begin to direct your life and manage your relationships by paying attention to the words you speak. Even more so, it is probably past time for you to decide to change and eliminate the negative words that you speak, by replacing them with positive words!!

If you are looking for positive outcomes in your relationships and in your life, it is time for you to terminate your membership in the insanity club.  Follow the steps below to guide you through the process of ridding yourself of negative speaking, allowing you to not only speak positively in and over your life and your relationships on a daily basis, but for you to begin to expect and experience positive and healthy relationships, as well as positive and healthy life outcomes, which you deserve!!  It is time for you to have the harvests of your lifetime!  I challenge you to start speaking positively today and every day, so that you can start reaping the positive rewards this day and everyday of your life!!!!!

  

• Engage in the “negative ridding” process.  Take out several sheets of paper and list all of your favorite negative words.  Draw a large ‘X’ across the words; crumple the paper in your hands; take the crumpled sheets of paper with your crossed-out negative words outside to a trash receptacle and discard them in the receptacle.  Turn around; walk away…without looking back and say, “I no longer choose to speak negatively on any day; speaking positive is the only way!”
• Develop a list of positive words to use daily and place them on your refrigerator, wish board, bathroom or bedroom mirror (excited, successful, fantastic, blessed, directed, beautiful, chosen, amazing, powerful, kind, exemplary, faithful, favored, honest, etc).
• Choose a word from your positive word list each day; allow the word you choose to guide your day, especially in challenging times.
• Invite your family to participate in using a positive word a day (your mate, children, parents, siblings, and friends).
• Use your positive words in sentences on a daily basis.
• Speak positive statements in and over your relationships, your life, and the lives of your family members, especially your children, on a daily basis.
• When negative thoughts enter your mind, negate them by speaking positive statements aloud.
• Engage in intentional positive speaking.
• Speak what you want to have happen in your relationships and your life.
•  Be clear in your positive speaking.
• Be a part of the construction process with your words; not a part of the destruction process.
• Make sure your words are builders, not destroyers.
• Engage in speaking a kind and positive word to others on a daily basis; even when they are not reciprocating the same.
• Speak positive words that you mean.
• Speak with care and tact.
• Don’t allow people to speak negativity into your life.
• Don’t let words of others define you; to be defined by the words of others means you have no definition.
• Avoid hanging with negative people.
• Surround yourself with PPGP’s…Positive People Going Places!
• Remember that the greatest Words are in the Bible…read them and use them daily!
• Sit back and expect positive changes in your relationships and in your life!! You deserve it!

And if n one else seems to encourage you with their words, encourage yourself through the positive words you speak on a daily basis!!!