Spring Cleaning Your Relationship

The three most common problems in building a positive and healthy relationship over time are poor communication, lack of forgiveness, and lack of respect. As a matter of fact, the three go hand in hand. Often, couples don’t communicate effectively because they weren’t taught the skills of effective, open, and honest communication. They bring their individual selves, as well as their values, their beliefs, and their attitudes into the relationship. And even if one person within a couple practices effective, open, and honest communication, the ineffective communication of the other can have a negative impact on the total level of communication within the relationship. It takes two people practicing the same positive behaviors to ensure effective communication with respect.

 

A lack of forgiveness comes about when an atrocity of betrayal has occurred within the relationship, which at least one member of the couple deems unforgiving, causing them to lose respect for each other and for the relationship. Instead of talking about the issue, they avoid each other. They don’t talk about the atrocity, the betrayal, their feelings, or anything else, furthering the communication gap.  To add insult to injury, while living in the same household, they engage in the childish behavior of not speaking to each other for periods of time. 

 

If couples hold onto hurts and pains, they hinder their ability to communicate effectively and their ability to forgive and be forgiven is thwarted, with disrespect becoming the norm rather than the exception.  Over time, the lack of effective communication, the lack of forgiveness, and the lack of respect weathers and tears at the relationship, many times rendering it in need of serious repair, sometimes which might not be possible. When your relationship becomes a situation, it can become irreparable. 

 

Practical approaches to “Spring Clean” your relationship and moving it back to or regaining a sense of healthiness and wholeness entails ridding your relationship of the problems of ineffective communication, unforgiveness, and disrespect 

 

a.     Engage in weekly, written, relationship checkups, by looking at communication patterns, without blaming each other or projecting onto each other. These relationship checkups will allow you as a couple to focus on yourselves as individuals and not on each other.  You will ask yourself how you have communicated with your partner, both negatively and positively, as well as what you can do and what you are willing to do to correct your negative communication patterns.  You will also document and talk about how you can use your positive communication patterns to eliminate your negative communication patterns, by using your “I” messages.   Once the checkup is complete, both of you must be willing to implement the positive communication patterns discovered, ensuring effective communication daily.

 

b.     As a couple, each of you must agree that when an atrocity of betrayal occurs within the relationship, you will talk about the situation and talk about your feelings. You will do so without blaming each other and agree to take responsibility for your individual behaviors and the role you played in the atrocity of betrayal.  You will also agree that any atrocity will be handled the day it occurs and that you will never go to bed angry.  You will agree to write down your individual feelings about the atrocity, using your “I” messages, and without blame.  You will also document what is needed for forgiveness to take place on either side.  You will practice verbally saying, “I am sorry, please forgive me,” as well as, “I accept your apology, I forgive you.” As humans, I am aware of the difficulty in forgetting a betrayal. However, once you have agreed to forgive one another, it is imperative that you do your best to practice forgetting the atrocity. It is also imperative to remember that the act of forgiving, doesn’t give the forgiven partner permission to continue the behavior(s) that caused the act of disloyalty from the onset. The betrayer must learn to forgive him/herself, and find professional help, if necessary, to move past the negative habit of disloyalty.

 

c.     As a member of a couple, and to ensure a respectful relationship and not a disrespectful situation, it’s imperative that you and your partner recognize that respect is earned, not given. Too often as an individual, you attempt to engage in relationships with others, based on how you see yourself, not realizing that the first healthy and positive relationship doesn't start with others, but with self You must come to know yourself, understand yourself, respect yourself, and accept yourself, along with your faults, frailties, and failures, while encompassing the positive, prior to engaging in a relationship with someone else. Until you respect you and accept yourself, you will have difficulty respecting and accepting others. You will spend much of your time trying to find yourself, at the expense of your relationship. A selfless person inevitably becomes a selfish person. As a matter of fact, without self-love, self-respect, and self-acceptance, you will spend your life trying to make your mate into a carbon copy of YOU! You must first define on paper, the meaning of ‘respect,’ for you, as well as the attributes necessary for you to feel respected by others, and those necessary for you to show respect to others, including your partner. Afterwards, assess how you treat yourself, and the behaviors you exemplify to show self-respect. You must also determine what can you do and what you are willing to do to respect yourself more and to ensure that respect is a reciprocated process in the relationship.

 

After engaging in the short and simple activities above, you and your partner can come together to share your findings, agree on what each needs to give up, ensuring effective, open, and honest communication; agree to the attributes necessary to ensure forgiveness, including any deal breakers; agree to what is necessary to ensure respect in your relationship, including deal breakers. Once you and your partner have engaged in a process of “Spring Cleaning” your relationship, the two of you should agree to revisiting your agreements by engaging in relationship checkups on a seasonal basis. This relationship checkup and cleaning should occur during each summer, fall, winter, and spring! Also, don’t forget; if the two of you aren’t successful in your “Spring Cleaning” relationship efforts, don’t hesitate to engage the services of a professional, licensed, marriage/family or couples’ therapist. Your relationship should be worth the hard work!

 

©2022; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

How to Effectively Manage Your Relationship When One Spouse Earns More Money Than the Other

Sometimes it can be quite challenging when one spouse makes more money than the other within a relationship and within a household. In all actuality, the disparity incomes should have been revealed and discussed prior to the commitment of marriage. Often, the love a couple shares with one another gets in the way of the reality of many unknowns that will raise their head once the honeymoon period ends.

 

The dynamics of unequal income within a household can be a plus for some and a pitfall for others. Problems can exist when one spouse is more financially successful than the other. Often, the difference is not as noticeable unless the higher income spouse begins to engage in power plays and control tactics, or the spouse earning the lesser amount of income becomes insecure and/or jealous. Money can make or break a relationship. Many times, how a spouse deals with the income disparity within a household will differ for men and women. No matter what disparity exists is in household incomes, with love, respect, a commitment to each other, a commitment to the relationship, as well as a commitment to the institution of marriage can remove the focus on the visible disparities to a focus on the strength of the relationship.

 

In many cases, because of the discriminatory practices that exist in pay rates between men and women in America and other countries, it is expected that men will earn more money than women, even within the same job role, the same education level, same skillset, and same level of experience. Sadly, Black, Brown, and Indigenous women are paid even less than White women. However, there are those rare instances in 2022 where women are being paid equal or higher wages than men. They are being paid their value and their worth. As a result, there might be many men who have difficulty dealing with the disparity of pay within their household. Here are a few tidbits men can take into consideration when their wife earns more money than they earn. 

 

 

1.      As one spouse excels beyond the other spouse in his/her level of economic success, he/she must decide to be proactive by inviting his/her spouse to discuss the situation. Sit together as a couple, discuss your feelings, discuss the impact that the disparity of success might have or is having on you and your spouse, clarify your expectations of each other, and discuss any concerns. You and your spouse can develop a verbal and written agreement to not allow your differences in accomplishments and income interfere with your relationship or your marriage. And if the two of you cannot amicably discuss emerging feelings and concerns about the income gap that exists in your household, you can agree to seek professional help.   As a couple, you must learn to focus on the positive aspects and commonalities that exist within your marriage, instead of focusing on the disparities in your levels of success and income. In other words, you must focus on what the two of you have in common, rather than the differences within your relationship. You must give each other compliments, as well as tell and show each other how proud you are of the accomplishments of each. You must verbalize how proud you are to be the chosen spouse of the other. Celebrating the accomplishments of each other removes the focus from the disparity associated with your different levels of success and income and keeps the two of you from competing. You will not worry about or focus on what others might think, believe, or say about your respective roles as the ‘man or woman in the marriage.’ Further, you all will not worry about how it should be, or how it looks, because one spouse is more successful than the other and makes more money than the other. Others don’t live with you as a couple and others do not contribute to your upkeep. As a matter of fact, what goes on in your household, including the incoming levels of you and your spouse is no one’s business but you and your spouse! 

 

2.      Husbands I provide the same information to you regarding how you can deal with income disparity as I would your wives. You must first come to see your wife’s level of success as a compliment and an enhancement to you, rather than a disparity between the two of you.  You must find your self-worth through having a life of your own, by identifying and focusing on what makes you “successful” in your own right, without separating yourself from your wife, without competing with her, and without trying to overshadow her level of success. You must learn to see your wife’s level of success as an inflator for the couple, instead of a deflator for you.  You and your wife are partners, not competitors. You must begin to deal with your feelings of insecurity, inferiority, and sometimes jealousy due to your wife’s accomplishments and unequal income level. Talking honestly and open with your wife about your feelings can relieve a lot of your anxiety. And if you and your wife cannot deal with these feelings together, you all can visit a marriage and family therapist to help you sort through the divisive feelings and thoughts.

  

3.      As the husband in the relationship, you must learn to focus on the bigger picture of having a wife who is more successful, by changing your mindset about role stereotyping. Instead of focusing on the fact that your wife earns more money than you, and instead of seeing you and your wife as separate entities, you must begin to see you and your wife as partners. If your wife has a job earning $150,000.00 per year, and you are in an entry-level position earning $50,000.00 per year, you must begin to use the simple process of addition; $150,000.00 plus $50,000.00, equals $200,00.00. The bigger picture is that you and your spouse can earn more together than you would make being apart. The combined income makes you and your spouse more powerful. And the wife must be careful that she doesn’t harp on her greater success, by demeaning her spouse, either verbally or nonverbally. She must value his worth as her spouse, and not let tat worth be based on his income. Your worth and value to each other must be based on how you see each other, the reason you all fell in love with and married each other, instead of the weight of your paychecks. It’s a matter of respecting each other no matter how successful or unsuccessful you are. You are in it together, which should be for love and not for money!    

 

 

©2022; J. Morley Productions, Inc; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

The Music in Your Mind Body & Spirit Determines Your Life Dance

It is difficult to dance or to create the steps necessary for you to dance without music or at least a song.  The music or the song that you need or that you use to create your dance, must be created based on your thoughts, your feelings, your life experiences, your life direction, your life destination, as well as the love in your heart and the relationship that you have with yourself and with others. In other words, it is the totality of who you are that allows you to be the choreographer of your life dance. 

The music or the song that you use to develop your life dance must also be reflective of the expectations that you have for your life in the present, in preparation for your future. Contributions from your past dances will allow for steps well known to you to be included in your present-day life dance. However, the movements will be different, based on the lessons learned and the knowledge gained throughout your past. The reflective steps of your past will be bolder and stronger. There will be evidence of growth in your steps, in preparation for the grand unveiling of your healthy and positive future.  

The music or the song for your life dance, as well as the dance itself might be similar to the music or the song of others, but it will and should be different from that of others to ensure that no one at any time will ever be able to confuse your music, your song, or your dance with that of anyone else. The music or the song of your dance will set you apart from others. Not only will there be stark differences from others, but your music, your song, and your dance will also be unique, belonging to you and only you!

         Your choreographed unique dance will be evident in your walk, your talk, your thoughts, as well as your relationship with yourself and others. Because you are the master of your fate, it is imperative that you also serve as the master choreographer of your life dance. To have the steps of your life dance mired in the steps of the dances of others would be a denial of the essence of your being. No one else will have ever taken the life steps or experienced the life stages the way you have experienced them along your life journey. 

Others might have worn similar shoes as they journeyed through their life and created their life dance. However, the shape of their feet, the strength of their thoughts, the words of their songs, the melody of their music, the color of their hearts, as well as the depth of their life experiences along their life journey was and will always be different from your life experiences and your life journey. Hence, your life dance should and will be different from others.

It is important that you not only keep singing, but that you also keep the music playing in your heart and your spirit, as you dance freely and unashamedly to your own beat. You must only dance in syncopation with the steps of the music and songs contained within your mind, body, and spirit. 

Your life choices, your life decisions, as well as your life falls, falters, failures, strengths, and successes are the base and the basis that determine the music and the songs necessary for you to continue to orchestrate the steps of your life dance. Create your own music, your own song, as you continue to create your own life dance. Keep singing, keep stepping, and keep dancing!! The Music in your mind, your body & your spirit determines your life dance!

 

 

©2022; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.do

Healthy Relationships Should be Your Aim & Not A Part of Someone Else’s Game

I'm sure you agree that almost everyone you know would love to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship. As a matter of fact, most of us aspire to have a relationship with someone that will last a lifetime. Unfortunately, many of us never make it to "forever", because we are often clueless about what it takes to attract positive people and sustain healthy relationships over time...  

You won’t have a healthy relationship until you recognize that just being with someone doesn’t necessarily constitute a relationship.  You must decide if you are in a situation or a relationship.  A relationship entails the root word ‘relate’; which is to communicate.  If there is no relating, there is no communicating.  A true relationship is a process of two people coming together overtime, with the expectation of staying together and lasting for an extended period.  A truly healthy relationship is expected to last a lifetime and it benefits you and your mate.  There is a beginning with the hope of no end in a healthy relationship.

 

On the other hand, a situation is just that; it fits for the time being and it is an occurrence that meets the need of one, while the other is expecting, wanting, and waiting on a relationship.  In a situation, communication is the exception and not the rule.  A situation usually has a beginning and an anticipated end.  In other words, it is short lived.  As a matter of fact, a situation can end the next morning after a night of pleasure.

 

If you want a healthy, positive, long-lasting relationship, you must decide if you want a relationship or a situation.  Are you looking to be with someone for the long haul who can enhance and help meet your emotional, spiritual, psychological, financial, and physical needs?  Or are you looking for someone for the night, to satisfy your immediate physical urges, without ever meeting your needs?

In order to ensure a healthy relationship, as well as longevity, there are several things that YOU can and must do. First and foremost, recognize that your relationships cannot and will not be a lasting relationship unless it is a healthy, positive relationship. Furthermore, in order to have a healthy, positive, long-lasting relationship, you must first be healthy and positive yourself; emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically. Now, don't get me wrong, it’s not enough for you to just be healthy and positive; the people you attract must be healthy and positive as well! 

As the age-old adage goes, 'YOU are what YOU attract!' If you accept mess, you will have mess.  If you attract trash, you will have trash and at some point you will become a part of the mess and he trash you attract.  If you won’t drink from the bottle under your cabinet with the skull and cross bones, why do you keep taking on situations with people that are diseased, unhealthy, going nowhere, toxic, and possibly fatal to you?  Either the person you are with or the one you are trying to get with is an asset or a liability.  What’s your return?  What’s your benefit?  Unhealthy people are just like bananas; you won’t get to the core of the healthy part until you peel them away! 

 

Dr. Joyce has seven (7) characteristics that are essential for you to attract healthy people into your life. Get ready for a lifetime of healthy, long-lasting, and positive relationships!!!  Get ready for relationships that are assets yielding positive returns for a lifetime!

 

1.    Love yourself first.  It is imperative that you have a relationship with yourself before you try to have a relationship with someone else.  Relationships start on the inside and permeate to the outside.  If you have difficulty loving you, accepting you, and being you, you will have difficulty loving others, accepting others, and allowing others to be themselves.  As a matter of fact, if you don’t love and accept you, you will have difficulty allowing someone else to love and accept you!

 

2.    Be yourself.  If you must change who you are in order to be in a relationship with someone else, something is wrong!  The way you start a relationship is the way it will end.  There is nothing wrong with compromising, but you should never have to give up being you!  Anyone who seeks to change you seeks to control you.

 

3.    Be specific about what you are looking for and expecting in a relationship.  Clarifying YOUR needs and wants is imperative to you having a healthy relationship.  If you are not sure as to what you are looking for in and person, including your expectations, needs, and wants, you will probably settle for anything and anyone.  Don’t be afraid to develop your top ten needs/wants in a relationship, as well as your expectations of the person you want to be in a relationship with.  As a matter of fact, write down these needs and wants, expectations, as well as the characteristics of this positive and healthy individual.  Some things on your list you can negotiate or compromise on, such as height, color, shoe size, and other minor characteristics, but 95% of your list should be deal breakers.  Just don’t be petty and OC.  Be realistic and sane in developing your list.  When you go on a date, put your list in your purse or pocket.  Excuse yourself at some point during the date and go to the ladies’/men’s room . Take out your list and decide how many of your needs/wants, expectations and characteristics your date possesses.  If your date doesn’t fit at least 95% of the characteristics on your list, it’s time to quit.  After your date is over, don’t walk away, run away!  The red flags are evident before you start the relationship.  PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Either you stand for something, or you will fall for anything!     

 

4.    Be patient by believing that you deserve to have someone who is healthy and positive in your life; that person is waiting for you.  If you love yourself, you will trust yourself, accept in yourself and believe that you are worthy of everything that is great and grand, including a healthy, positive relationship.  If you don’t believe it, you will settle for anything.  As a matter of fact, you will continue to look for somebody, accept anybody, who just might turn out to be nobody; all because you don’t see yourself as worthy and deserving of having somebody special just like you.  And then you must be patient and wait on that special somebody and not settle for less by accepting just anybody.  When you are impatient, you make rash and desperate decisions and unhealthy choices, usually ending up in unhealthy and negative situations…a far cry from healthy and positive relationships.

 

5.    Get to know an individual before entering into a relationship.  You need to know as much as you can about the person before entering into a relationship, including background information, sexual orientation, cultural values, family of origin issues, family relationships, credit score, educational background, etc.  A green card is your least worry! You need a blue, orange, yellow, and red card.  Is he/she HIV positive?  Any current or past STDS or AIDS?  Guess what?  We’ll go to the doctor together and get tested together! What is your sexual orientation?  You can like the same sex and that’s okay, but I have a right to know and a right to decide if this is what I want!  What’s your relationship like with your mama and your daddy?  Have been married/divorced before?  Any children, baby mamas?  Are you a drug dealer/user?  What about your criminal background, murder, molester, felon?  On probation or parole?  As a matter of fact, where are you from?  Can I see your birth certificate?  What is your religion?  The more you know about your mate or potential mate, the more informed you are, and you are better prepared to set the foundation for a healthy and positive relationship.

 

6.    Recognize that you have a choice in the matter.  Men and women are just like buses; miss one and you just catch the next one.  Stop letting people choose you for their own, usually selfish reasons.  You should have a say in who you get with.  Women, you especially, must stop getting with a man because that’s what he wants and he’s not what YOU want.  Trust yourself by recognizing that you DO have choices.  And if the one you choose is not for you, then move on to the next AVAILABLE catch.  If you don’t have a say in the matter of choosing you mate, you will probably end up in a situation and not a relationship.  There will be nothing healthy or positive about it!   

 

7.    Ensure that you and the person you choose are reaching for have the same goals and have the same vision; a healthy relationship is not a game; a situation is!   Most of your relationships probably have not been successful because you and the person you have been with were not (or you all are not) on the same page and not going in the same direction.  You and the person you want to have a healthy and positive relationship with must have more than a couple of things in common; sex is common for anybody…love making is common for and with somebody special.  If you expect your relationship to last over time, the ideal situation would be for both of you to be on the same page.  However, if not on the same page, the two of you should at least be in the same book or the same chapter. If you have nothing in common, you don’t want the same things in and out of life and you are going in different directions, let it go!  He/she is not for you. There will be nothing healthy or positive about this situation!  As a matter of fact, his/her dream just might become your nightmare!

 

 

©2022; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Conquering the Pitfalls of Life: Moving from a State of Stuck to Unstuck

I know that life has been a relay race for so many of you. However, in the midst of and along the highways and byways of the race, I hope that you have been able to stay the course. And if not, that's okay too. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel! The great news about your life’s course is that you can altar that course along the way, in the midst of the detours, roadblocks, barriers, falls, pitfalls, falters, and failures. The course can only remain dark for so long. 

 

Life will not always be a bed of roses. And often times when there are roses, there are also thorns. You must decide if you would like to be stuck by the thorns of roses for a short time or remain stuck in the darkness for a lifetime. One thing about thorns is that they are everywhere in life, but you have the opportunity and the choice of continuously being stuck or moving to a place of being unstuck. Being stuck in any manner comes with a measure of pain. Although there is hurt with pain, pain can also allow and promote growth. But before you can grow, you must release yourself from a state of being stuck.

 

Being stuck is the state of being pushed or locked into a place that does not seem to have any space or room for movement or to exit. I am sure that you have often heard people talk about being in a state of stuck and they refer to it in various ways. They will often state that they are ‘stuck between a rock and a hard place.’ The metaphor of being stuck between two hard and solid entities that are often seen as immovable objects can be a seemingly difficult and daunting situation. However, if you continue to not see a way out of the situation, the circumstance, or your condition, although you found a way into the situation, circumstance, or condition, you will remain in a state of being stuck. 

 

Some of you have seen yourselves ‘stuck on a limb or hanging on by a thread.’ You felt stuck, unable to move for fear of falling. However, at some point you must get off the limb and let go of the thread and grab the rope that’s been dangling right next to the limb all along, making sure that you reach beyond the break. As long as you hold onto your stuck status, you will remain stuck. 

 

Quicksand is a state of being genuinely stuck. Even in quicksand, with a helpline, you can be pulled from, removed from, and rescued from your stuck status. Your belief system has a profound impact on the actions that you take in any situation. As long as you believe in yourself, and you believe that you can do whatever you set your mind to do, you will be successful, including getting out a state of being stuck.

 

I am sure that there are times you have felt stuck in many ways, such as being stuck in a dead-in job, stuck in a bad situation (calling it a relationship), stuck in or with a condition, stuck with the wrong friend/people, etc. Guess what? Although the situation and/or circumstance seems very sticky and there doesn’t seem to be anyway out, just as you can maneuver and work to remove gum that is stuck on your shoe, with a plan of action, hard work, consistent and persistent maneuvering, you will eventually move from a state of being stuck to a state and place of being unstuck. Believing in your right to be free, and believing in your right to gain another chance at life will make it much more plausible for you to be able to take stock of your situation, circumstance, and/or condition, in order to move from a state of denial to a state of action. Once you are ready to take action and do something different, you will be able to develop a realistic and attainable plan of action to free yourself from your stuck state.

 

Although it probably took little or no time for you to become stuck in a situation or circumstance, becoming unstuck is a process, not an event. You must first recognize and gain a sense of awareness about your state of stuck. Decide what areas have you found yourself stuck. How did you get to the place of being stuck? How long have you been there? Once you have gained a sense of awareness about your state of stuck, your perspective and perception about your state of being stuck becomes one of the most paramount steps in helping you to become unstuck. How you see your situation, circumstance, and/or condition, as well as what you think and feel about it will affect your belief as to whether you are stuck, as well as the depths of your state of stuck. It will also determine whether you are stuck for a period of time or for a lifetime. Your belief will also help you to admit that you are stuck.  

 

Your perception and your perspective regarding your situation, circumstance, and/or condition will determine what you believe about your ability to overcome the pitfalls of life in order to move from darkness to light and then become unstuck. In order for you to rise up and out of the darkness of being stuck, you must start believing that you can see and enter the light of no longer being stuck, no matter how things might seem within you and around you. You must also believe that you deserve to not only see the light, but that you also deserve to live in the light. However, if you believe that you are stuck in the darkness and can’t or won’t make efforts to find the light switch to help you enlighten your way out of darkness, it will be quite difficult for you to behold the light, even as it is shining all around you. As a result, you will remain stuck! Therefore, you must give yourself permission acknowledge the truth regarding your perceptions and your perspectives as you gain patience in moving through the process of you no longer being stuck in mind, body, or spirit, based on your situation, your circumstance, and/or condition, with or without other people.

 

You must want to become unstuck and you must be willing to let go of the situations, circumstances, conditions, people, habits, fears, and locations that have contributed to your continued state of being stuck. Whether you want to admit it or not, some of you have become accustomed being stuck; you are comfortable being in your stuck bed. Also, some of you don’t want to put forth the energy, the actions, and the work that will allow you to finally be free. It’s time to stop making excuses, move beyond your fears, and do what’s necessary for you to claim or reclaim you state of being unstuck!

 

Once you have been able to clarify and clearly identify and state your perspective and perception about your state of being stuck and you have freely given yourself permission to advance through the continued process of being unstuck, you must then move to identify and document your purpose and your position in moving from a state of stuck to unstuck. If you cannot succinctly identify and document why you desire to finally become unstuck, after having been in the darkness of stuck for so long, the task will be much more difficult for you. There must be a reason for your journey upward and out of the valleys in which you have been traversing for sometime, in order for you to finally reach your mountaintop. Your purpose cannot be fully recognized and documented until you engage in a process of communication and meditation with yourself, in order for you to begin to see the light and understand where you have been, where you are, as well as where you are going after you become unstuck. 

 

Without purpose, you will have difficulty developing a plan of action encompassing the necessary steps and timeline for you to catapult yourself out of the darkness and valleys of stuck into the light and on top of the hills of unstuck. You can do it; yes you can! Your action plan for escaping your state of stuck must include goals, action steps, as well as the resources, human, material, financial, or other resources that you will need, in order for you to put your plan to become unstuck into action. It is also important to ensure that your plan to become unstuck fits the situation, circumstance, and/or condition, in which you believe and feel you are stuck. Your plan must also include a timeline for accomplishing the goals of your unstuck plan. You are ready and you are on your way to “Conquering the Pitfalls of Life by Moving form a State of Stuck to Unstuck.”

 

As you prepare to move from your state of stuck to becoming unstuck, think of yourself as a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. You, too, will engage in chrysalis as you experience a metamorphosis, transforming to a higher state of being—being unstuck. Get ready for the transformation from your negative situations, circumstances, and/or conditions. Get ready to see your pitfalls as pull ups. As the butterfly doesn’t allow itself to be stuck in the state of being a caterpillar crawling on its belly, you will also pick yourself up and move from the state of being down to moving up. It is time for you to spread your wings and recognize your freedom as a powerful human being. The rock is gone and so too is the hard place in which you felt caught between.

 

There is truly a light at the end of every tunnel you face in life. You might see nothing but darkness and you might feel stuck as you manage the process to maneuver your way from a state of being stuck to a place of being unstuck. Just hold onto the broken pieces of your life and reach beyond the break of the life ropes that have been stripped and frayed, as you pull yourself up and out. It can happen and it will happen. You can do it!

 

It's time for you to decide to transform, transfer, and transition from your state of stuck to a new state of unstuck by freeing yourself from any and all situations, circumstances, and/or conditions in your life. Whatever and whomever in your life that no longer fits in your life is eradicated and erased. Pray and reach beyond the break. Reach up to God and accept His mighty hands that can pull you up and out of your situation, circumstance, and/or circumstance of stuck. You are no longer stuck! You are free to be; you are free to be you! Get up, stand up, and spread your wings; you are no longer stuck! Butterfly, take your wings; show your beauty, show your boldness, and show that you are unstuck…YOU Are FREE TO FLY!!! 

 

©2021; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time

I am sure that there are times when you might look back over your past life; many times with regret, sometimes with envy, sometimes with angst, sometimes with a sigh of relief, and many times with a ‘thank you God!’ Some of your past life memories are sad, some are happy, some are memories you wish you could erase, and others are memories you wish you could relive. There are times when you reminisce about your past, which might cause tears and there are times that might evoke smiles. Too often, it seems as if it is more difficult to leave your past behind when there has been hurt and pain. It seems to follow you wherever you are and wherever you go. And often due to a lack of self-forgiveness and a lack of forgiveness of and for others, your head and your heart seem fixated on what’s behind you, instead of what’s in front of you, and what’s ahead of you. Your heart is too small to carry people and your past within it.

 

I am sure that man or that woman you slept with years ago that ended in a one-night stand was a bad experience for you. That man or that woman you married years ago that ended in divorce might have been a difficult experience for you, and in many cases, detrimental to you and for you. However, he/she has probably gone on with his/her life, as you seem to be stuck in your past. As a matter of fact, as Anita Baker once sang, ‘He/She couldn’t do right because he/she was the wrong man/woman’ from the onset; and you knew it at the time. Not only is that person is in your past, but he/she is also taking up space in your head and your heart, living rent-free. 

 

When you look at the reality of your present, you will come to realize that someone had to leave from your life, in order for the right someone to enter your life. You had to lose out on jobs and friends you thought were right for you, in order for you to embark upon a new life direction, allowing new and genuine friends to enter your life. Without closed doors, opened doors cannot manifest.

 

It’s time for you to realize that you cannot turn back the hands of time. The people you have regrets about are in your past; leave them there! If you haven’t found the right man/woman, it’s probably because you keep looking behind you, focused on your past, instead of living in the present and looking ahead. That right man/woman might just be right in front of you. However, because the realm of your present attention is blocked by the darkness of your past, you are also allowing blockers of the good fortune in your here and now. 

 

As with any human being, you have and you will continue to make mistakes in your life. The problem isn’t that you fell, faltered, or failed; the problem is you wallowed in your falls, your falters, and your failures, and you have not gotten back up. And as a young person, you probably lived your life as if you were traveling haplessly and sometimes recklessly on an eight to ten lane superhighway, not living your life with the end in mind. You did negative things, as well as some great things in your past, and you probably experienced some successes. However, as you’ve matured in age, and hopefully matured in your heart, your mind, and your spirit, you have come to recognize that your superhighways of earlier days have become two-lane roads, forcing you to either do right or do wrong. As you have lost family members, loved ones, and others in your life, you have also come to recognize that there is an eventual end to all things in life. With your increased level of understanding, you have hopefully also come to recognize that it is time for you to let go of your past, live in your present, as you prepare for and anticipate the greatness of your future. 

 

Your life is similar to driving a car. You drive to reach a destination. Because you are moving forward and not backward as you drive, the creators of the automobile decided that the only way for you to see where you’re going, in order to reach your destination, you must have any and all obstructions removed from your view. Therefore, the windshield of your car was created larger than the rearview mirror of your car. Your car’s rearview mirror is developed for you to take momentary glances into what you pass along your journey to reach your destination. If you continue to focus on and look into the rearview mirror, you will surely crash. Unfortunately, you might not survive!

 

As with driving a car, you must have a full, unobstructed view of where you are and where you are going in your life. Your past should only serve as momentum for you to move forward with your present and future aspirations, no matter what occurred as you journeyed through your past

 

I do understand that there are times when the nightmares of your past cause hurt, and the remnants of your past experiences seem to invade your present reality and your future dreams with pain and desperation. You desperately seek solace within your own misery and the failures of your past, not recognizing that until you close the doors of your painful past, you will not be able to enjoy the pleasantries of your present and prepare to accept the bright possibilities of your future. You must have the desire to leave your place of past pain, in order to recognize and reach your opportunities for gain, aborting your unconscious and sometimes conscious acts of self-sabotaging.

 

Cher once sang, “If I Could Turn Back Time.” The lyrics of her song mainly focused on her regrets of hurt and pain against others. In all actuality, not only do sticks and stone break your bones, words can and do hurt. However, turning back the hands of time cannot and will not erase past atrocities that occurred to you or the ones you caused against others. Turning back the hands of time isn’t an option! Life doesn’t operate on rewind, still play, pause, or fast forward; it plays out in real time. Therefore, you must come to accept the difficult reality that you will never be able to go back to where or when you hurt someone, or where or when you said the wrong thing, or did the wrong thing. And some of you erroneously believe that you can ‘pick up where you left off,’ in an effort to heal past wounds in the present. 

 

To be able to pick up where you left off would mean that you paused life for a short period of time, once again starting at the point of pause, when you are ready. As previously stated, there are no pauses in life. Life plays out on a continuous and continual basis, whether you want to participate or whether you choose not to participate; there is no going back! And because there is no going back, you will be better served by making a decision today to move from a daily state of looking back, to a daily state of living in the present, while looking forward. In other words, moving past your state of being stuck to a state of being unstuck.

 

At some point you must decide to stop making decisions with your heart and start using your head to make decisions. Forgive yourself, forgive others, let go, and let God. You must move past the ‘if I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve’ syndrome. 

 

No matter how painful or how joyous were the experiences of your past, you won’t forget your past. You will learn to put the experiences of your past in proper present perspective, to your benefit and not to your demise. Having you forget your past is not the intent of this blog. You are supposed to start learning the art of using your past as stepping-stones, instead of stumbling blocks. At this point, you must begin to isolate the ‘good,’ the ‘well,’ and the 'healthy' points of your life, instead of holding onto and hanging onto the ‘bad,’ ‘sick,’ and ‘unhealthy’ points of your life. As you move beyond the crippling aspects of your past, you’ll be able to sing the words included in Rev. Paul Jones’ famous song, “I Won’t Complain.” “I’ve had some good days, I’ve had some hills to climb. I’ve had some weary days…but when I look around, all of my good days outweigh my bad days; I won’t complain.” 

 

In the end, when you look back over your life, you might want to take the time to pat yourself on the back for the survival of your past, instead of continuously trying to use your own foot to kick yourself in the ass. Instead of trying to ‘turn back the hands of time,’ use your hands to push forward, looking up instead of looking down. Instead of trying to reach back to recapture what was, reach up to capture what is, in preparation for what can be and will be in your life. The sky is the limit!

 

Wherever you are in your life, you don’t have to look back in order for you to experience the fond memories of your past. You only have to touch your heart and breathe. Fond memories are always in the warmth of your heart, in every breath you take, and they will never die. Just keep looking forward while feeling and experiencing the joy of your present, without worrying about the pains of your past. All you have to do is listen to your heartbeat. Where there is a heartbeat, there is life. Your past is no longer alive in your present. However, you are very much alive. There is no need to turn back the hands of time; you are moving forward!

 

No matter what has happened in your life or what has happened to you throughout your life, because of the journey of your past, you should see yourself in the words of gospel singer Hezekiah Walker, as being stronger, wiser, and better It’s time for you to say, in the words of Frank Sinatra, “I did it my way!”

 

©2021; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com