Sometimes it can be quite challenging when one spouse makes more money than the other within a relationship and within a household. In all actuality, the disparity incomes should have been revealed and discussed prior to the commitment of marriage. Often, the love a couple shares with one another gets in the way of the reality of many unknowns that will raise their head once the honeymoon period ends.
The dynamics of unequal income within a household can be a plus for some and a pitfall for others. Problems can exist when one spouse is more financially successful than the other. Often, the difference is not as noticeable unless the higher income spouse begins to engage in power plays and control tactics, or the spouse earning the lesser amount of income becomes insecure and/or jealous. Money can make or break a relationship. Many times, how a spouse deals with the income disparity within a household will differ for men and women. No matter what disparity exists is in household incomes, with love, respect, a commitment to each other, a commitment to the relationship, as well as a commitment to the institution of marriage can remove the focus on the visible disparities to a focus on the strength of the relationship.
In many cases, because of the discriminatory practices that exist in pay rates between men and women in America and other countries, it is expected that men will earn more money than women, even within the same job role, the same education level, same skillset, and same level of experience. Sadly, Black, Brown, and Indigenous women are paid even less than White women. However, there are those rare instances in 2022 where women are being paid equal or higher wages than men. They are being paid their value and their worth. As a result, there might be many men who have difficulty dealing with the disparity of pay within their household. Here are a few tidbits men can take into consideration when their wife earns more money than they earn.
1. As one spouse excels beyond the other spouse in his/her level of economic success, he/she must decide to be proactive by inviting his/her spouse to discuss the situation. Sit together as a couple, discuss your feelings, discuss the impact that the disparity of success might have or is having on you and your spouse, clarify your expectations of each other, and discuss any concerns. You and your spouse can develop a verbal and written agreement to not allow your differences in accomplishments and income interfere with your relationship or your marriage. And if the two of you cannot amicably discuss emerging feelings and concerns about the income gap that exists in your household, you can agree to seek professional help. As a couple, you must learn to focus on the positive aspects and commonalities that exist within your marriage, instead of focusing on the disparities in your levels of success and income. In other words, you must focus on what the two of you have in common, rather than the differences within your relationship. You must give each other compliments, as well as tell and show each other how proud you are of the accomplishments of each. You must verbalize how proud you are to be the chosen spouse of the other. Celebrating the accomplishments of each other removes the focus from the disparity associated with your different levels of success and income and keeps the two of you from competing. You will not worry about or focus on what others might think, believe, or say about your respective roles as the ‘man or woman in the marriage.’ Further, you all will not worry about how it should be, or how it looks, because one spouse is more successful than the other and makes more money than the other. Others don’t live with you as a couple and others do not contribute to your upkeep. As a matter of fact, what goes on in your household, including the incoming levels of you and your spouse is no one’s business but you and your spouse!
2. Husbands I provide the same information to you regarding how you can deal with income disparity as I would your wives. You must first come to see your wife’s level of success as a compliment and an enhancement to you, rather than a disparity between the two of you. You must find your self-worth through having a life of your own, by identifying and focusing on what makes you “successful” in your own right, without separating yourself from your wife, without competing with her, and without trying to overshadow her level of success. You must learn to see your wife’s level of success as an inflator for the couple, instead of a deflator for you. You and your wife are partners, not competitors. You must begin to deal with your feelings of insecurity, inferiority, and sometimes jealousy due to your wife’s accomplishments and unequal income level. Talking honestly and open with your wife about your feelings can relieve a lot of your anxiety. And if you and your wife cannot deal with these feelings together, you all can visit a marriage and family therapist to help you sort through the divisive feelings and thoughts.
3. As the husband in the relationship, you must learn to focus on the bigger picture of having a wife who is more successful, by changing your mindset about role stereotyping. Instead of focusing on the fact that your wife earns more money than you, and instead of seeing you and your wife as separate entities, you must begin to see you and your wife as partners. If your wife has a job earning $150,000.00 per year, and you are in an entry-level position earning $50,000.00 per year, you must begin to use the simple process of addition; $150,000.00 plus $50,000.00, equals $200,00.00. The bigger picture is that you and your spouse can earn more together than you would make being apart. The combined income makes you and your spouse more powerful. And the wife must be careful that she doesn’t harp on her greater success, by demeaning her spouse, either verbally or nonverbally. She must value his worth as her spouse, and not let tat worth be based on his income. Your worth and value to each other must be based on how you see each other, the reason you all fell in love with and married each other, instead of the weight of your paychecks. It’s a matter of respecting each other no matter how successful or unsuccessful you are. You are in it together, which should be for love and not for money!
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