The three most common problems in building a positive and healthy relationship over time are poor communication, lack of forgiveness, and lack of respect. As a matter of fact, the three go hand in hand. Often, couples don’t communicate effectively because they weren’t taught the skills of effective, open, and honest communication. They bring their individual selves, as well as their values, their beliefs, and their attitudes into the relationship. And even if one person within a couple practices effective, open, and honest communication, the ineffective communication of the other can have a negative impact on the total level of communication within the relationship. It takes two people practicing the same positive behaviors to ensure effective communication with respect.
A lack of forgiveness comes about when an atrocity of betrayal has occurred within the relationship, which at least one member of the couple deems unforgiving, causing them to lose respect for each other and for the relationship. Instead of talking about the issue, they avoid each other. They don’t talk about the atrocity, the betrayal, their feelings, or anything else, furthering the communication gap. To add insult to injury, while living in the same household, they engage in the childish behavior of not speaking to each other for periods of time.
If couples hold onto hurts and pains, they hinder their ability to communicate effectively and their ability to forgive and be forgiven is thwarted, with disrespect becoming the norm rather than the exception. Over time, the lack of effective communication, the lack of forgiveness, and the lack of respect weathers and tears at the relationship, many times rendering it in need of serious repair, sometimes which might not be possible. When your relationship becomes a situation, it can become irreparable.
Practical approaches to “Spring Clean” your relationship and moving it back to or regaining a sense of healthiness and wholeness entails ridding your relationship of the problems of ineffective communication, unforgiveness, and disrespect
a. Engage in weekly, written, relationship checkups, by looking at communication patterns, without blaming each other or projecting onto each other. These relationship checkups will allow you as a couple to focus on yourselves as individuals and not on each other. You will ask yourself how you have communicated with your partner, both negatively and positively, as well as what you can do and what you are willing to do to correct your negative communication patterns. You will also document and talk about how you can use your positive communication patterns to eliminate your negative communication patterns, by using your “I” messages. Once the checkup is complete, both of you must be willing to implement the positive communication patterns discovered, ensuring effective communication daily.
b. As a couple, each of you must agree that when an atrocity of betrayal occurs within the relationship, you will talk about the situation and talk about your feelings. You will do so without blaming each other and agree to take responsibility for your individual behaviors and the role you played in the atrocity of betrayal. You will also agree that any atrocity will be handled the day it occurs and that you will never go to bed angry. You will agree to write down your individual feelings about the atrocity, using your “I” messages, and without blame. You will also document what is needed for forgiveness to take place on either side. You will practice verbally saying, “I am sorry, please forgive me,” as well as, “I accept your apology, I forgive you.” As humans, I am aware of the difficulty in forgetting a betrayal. However, once you have agreed to forgive one another, it is imperative that you do your best to practice forgetting the atrocity. It is also imperative to remember that the act of forgiving, doesn’t give the forgiven partner permission to continue the behavior(s) that caused the act of disloyalty from the onset. The betrayer must learn to forgive him/herself, and find professional help, if necessary, to move past the negative habit of disloyalty.
c. As a member of a couple, and to ensure a respectful relationship and not a disrespectful situation, it’s imperative that you and your partner recognize that respect is earned, not given. Too often as an individual, you attempt to engage in relationships with others, based on how you see yourself, not realizing that the first healthy and positive relationship doesn't start with others, but with self You must come to know yourself, understand yourself, respect yourself, and accept yourself, along with your faults, frailties, and failures, while encompassing the positive, prior to engaging in a relationship with someone else. Until you respect you and accept yourself, you will have difficulty respecting and accepting others. You will spend much of your time trying to find yourself, at the expense of your relationship. A selfless person inevitably becomes a selfish person. As a matter of fact, without self-love, self-respect, and self-acceptance, you will spend your life trying to make your mate into a carbon copy of YOU! You must first define on paper, the meaning of ‘respect,’ for you, as well as the attributes necessary for you to feel respected by others, and those necessary for you to show respect to others, including your partner. Afterwards, assess how you treat yourself, and the behaviors you exemplify to show self-respect. You must also determine what can you do and what you are willing to do to respect yourself more and to ensure that respect is a reciprocated process in the relationship.
After engaging in the short and simple activities above, you and your partner can come together to share your findings, agree on what each needs to give up, ensuring effective, open, and honest communication; agree to the attributes necessary to ensure forgiveness, including any deal breakers; agree to what is necessary to ensure respect in your relationship, including deal breakers. Once you and your partner have engaged in a process of “Spring Cleaning” your relationship, the two of you should agree to revisiting your agreements by engaging in relationship checkups on a seasonal basis. This relationship checkup and cleaning should occur during each summer, fall, winter, and spring! Also, don’t forget; if the two of you aren’t successful in your “Spring Cleaning” relationship efforts, don’t hesitate to engage the services of a professional, licensed, marriage/family or couples’ therapist. Your relationship should be worth the hard work!
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