You Don’t Have to Put Up with Rude Behaviors & Bad Attitudes: You Have a Choice

Spring has finally sprung! So many things that were cold and dormant are now breathing new life. Although the flowers and trees have begun to spring forth with outer beauty and new growth, there are too many people who, unlike the spring, tend to remain cold, lacking care, rarely showing any new life. They don’t ever seem to change their rude behaviors and their bad attitudes.

On many occasions when individuals display rude behaviors and bad attitudes, we tend to make excuses for them. If you think about it, you often will say, “That’s just the way he/she is.” That’s hogwash! In all actuality, the rude behaviors and negative attitudes displayed by these people are not indicative of ‘just the way they are’; it’s the way they choose to be. Even greater than the negative and poor choices these people make about how they act with and in front of others, how they talk to others, as well as how they treat others, you have a choice as to whether you will put up with their mess! It’s important that you don’t allow their mess to cause you stress!! You have a choice as to whether you deal with them more or you deal with them less!

How many times have you been at a restaurant and the waiter(ess) decides to have a negative attitude? They act as if they don’t want to be there and they most certainly don’t want to serve you. They are darn right rude! And then they have the audacity to expect a hefty tip. TIPS are ‘TO INSURE PROPER SERVICE!’ If the service isn’t right, if it isn’t up to par, and if it isn’t up to your expectations, you have a choice in the kind of tip you will provide, if you provide one at all.

What about the cashier at the store who not only has a bad attitude, as she tries to talk on the phone or talk to a coworker while ringing up your items, as if you don’t matter? She is also chewing gum and seems to be angry about the fact that she has to be at work! What? That’s not your problem! You do have a choice in the matter. Talk with the manager, but you probably have seen that sometimes the manager is just as rude and exhibits a bad attitude, as did the cashier. Here is your opportunity to make an even greater choice. In the future, choose to shop at a different store. In other words, hit them where it will hurt the most…in their pockets!

The people who intentionally cut others off on the highway, or don’t allow others to merge in front of them on the highway, are guilty of exhibiting rude behaviors and bad attitudes, When they take it even further by throwing up their middle fingers and using expletives, they are not only rude, they are angry, bad attitude individuals. You do have a choice in this situation; don’t join them in their madness!

As you meet and/or engage with these rude and bad attitude people, you probably ask yourself, ‘what in the world is wrong with them?’ They seem to have a chip on their shoulders, and they also tend to climb life’s ladders at the expense of others. The sad part about these people exhibiting negative, rude behaviors and bad attitudes is the fact that they don’t care!

When you speak to these RB (rude behaviors) and BA (bad attitude) individuals, instead of them displaying a pleasant attitude, they tend to grunt, display rude behaviors, and their attitude leaves much to be desired. Even more so, they blame others not only for their rude behaviors and bad attitudes, they also blame others for their lot in life.

Your mate, your children, your parents, other family members, your friends, your boss, your neighbors, and others who engage with you and take the liberty to yell at you, ignore you, and blatantly disrespect you, can only do so if you allow them to do it. Those whom you engage with on a daily basis, and they exhibit racist and prejudice behaviors toward others, as well as constant use of expletives, calling others out of their names; those who bully others, and those who constantly berate others, only do so because they can. You DO have a choice…you can decide to no longer engage with them as long as they exhibit these rude, disrespectful, and condescending behaviors!! Your goal is to not change these people, but to decide to no longer engage in these disrespectful, inhibiting, and prohibiting behaviors and bad attitudes with them; whether they are loved ones or not, the rude behaviors and bad attitudes are unacceptable!

Too often, you believe people will change, including your mate, your children, your friends, your coworkers, your neighbors, as well as others. You have heard me say over and over again, ‘PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE!’ You change your clothes, your hairstyle, your residence, your employment, your telephone number, your direction, your mind, etc. When change occurs, it’s out with the old and in with the new. That which existed previously, does not exist any more.

In order for change to occur, you must engage in a process of growth, which entails recognizing that bad behaviors and negative attitudes are not the keys to healthy, successful relationships. Rude behaviors and bad attitudes foster poor communication. It’s you also recognizing that it is essential to place RESPECT at the base of everything that you do with others. In essence, people don’t change, but they can change their behaviors and attitudes, and they can choose to be respectful!

On another note, one of the greatest things you can do to help persons change their rude behaviors and bad attitude is to stop enabling them. Stop making excuses for them! Yes, I know you want these people to be better, but you must realize that people must choose to grow and to be better. As they have a choice to engage in and exhibit respectful behaviors and positive attitudes, you have a choice to no longer allow your self to be the brunt of their destruction.

Engaging in and exhibiting rude behaviors and bad attitudes, is engaging in a destructive life journey. And when you support these forms of insanity from loved ones or others, you are just as guilty as those who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes. It is time for you to not only decide to stop enabling your mate, your children, other family members, your friends, your parents, your boss, your neighbors, and others; it is also time for you to assess how you engage in exhibiting rude behaviors and bad attitudes.

Who really wants to be around people exhibiting rude behaviors and bad attitudes? It takes too much energy! The question is, are you one of these people? As Michael Jackson once sang, it’s important to ‘take a look at the man/woman in the mirror.’ The problem is that many of you constantly point a finger at others, while a thumb is pointing back at you. Does the rude behavior and bad attitude shoe fit on your foot? If it does, what do you plan to do about it?

As you decide how to handle your own rude behaviors and bad attitudes, which have been limiting, prohibitive, and destructive for you, it is imperative for you to have the tools to help you to deal with others around you, who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes as well. Below are ten steps to help you to take control of your life when faced with persons in your life (including yourself) who display rude behaviors, and bad attitudes.

HOW TO DEAL WITH RUDE BEHAVIORS & BAD ATTITUDES

1.     Choose your battles wisely-Are the behaviors and attitudes of the person(s) affecting you directly or indirectly; what are you expecting as an outcome if you intervene?

2.     Decide if the person(s) with rude behaviors and bad attitudes is a liability or an asset to you-what is their benefit to you?

3.     If people with rude behaviors and bad attitudes serve no purpose to and for you, let it go & let them go, instead of trying to intervene.

4.     Be willing to call the person(s)s with rude behaviors and bad attitudes out & not participate in the enabling and blame game.

5.     If you intervene, focus on the behaviors of the person(s) & not the person(s) themselves.

6.     Use your “I” messages to share with them how their rude & negative behavior(s) or bad attitude affects you.

7.     NO! Persons who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes aren’t JUST THAT WAY…THAT'S THE WAY THEY CHOOSE TO BE OR BEHAVE! Be willing to assess & accept your role in the behavior or the attitude being displayed by others. Be willing to be accountable and hold others accountable.

8.     Remember, people don’t change; they can change their rude behaviors & negative attitudes—It’s mind over matter…they must mind what they need to change & the rest won’t matter! Expect changes in their rude behaviors and bad attitudes. Help them to develop a written plan for change.

9.     If all else fails, engage in psychotherapy with a mental health professional. Many times rude behaviors and bad attitudes are symptoms of larger problems. A mental health professional can help you/them get to the core of the problem(s).

10. You have a choice in the matter-You can choose to deal with the people who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes, let the situation go, or let the person(s) go who are exhibiting the rude behaviors and bad attitudes

The bottom line is recognizing the power of choice. And if you believe you cannot do it alone, seek professional help. As a matter of fact, when you decide to confront those you choose to deal with who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes, don’t be afraid to encourage them to seek professional help. You DO have a choice!! Choose to do the right thing!

I Have the Power to Choose the Relationship I Want & Desire

Too often we don’t believe we have a choice as to whom we find ourselves in intimate relationships, especially many women.  It is believed that we have to settle for whatever and whoever finds us, instead of us deciding with whom we would like to spend our lives. We many times unknowingly and recklessly relinquish our power of choice and hand it over to others. As a woman, you are more likely to believe that you are in a one-down position when it comes to choosing and having positive and healthy intimate relationships. You are more likely to believe that your choices in a mate are limited, while men are more likely to believe that they can have anyone they choose to have in intimate relationships.

Most religions tend empower men in the belief that they have the right to choose their mates through words such as, ‘he who finds a wife finds a good thing.’ In other words, the man is supposed to choose his wife. However, it is important for you, as women, to recognize that you also have the right to choose your mate. Does not a woman have the right to also find/choose a ‘good thing?’

When your family relationships are strong, there is no question as to whether you belong. It’s a given that you belong to your family and your family belongs to you. However, when things go wrong with and in your family, as they often do, you many times ask yourself, ‘why in the world am I this family?’ ‘I didn’t have a say or a choice in the matter.’ As a child, when you were not allowed to have your way, you often thought about and many times verbalized wanting to run away from home or to trading your family for the ‘great’ family you believed your friends had.

As with your family relationships, when you believe your intimate relationships are going well, ‘things are good,’ if not necessarily great; you are still willing to own the relationship, even though you did not choose it. However, when your intimate relationships are going awry or they are failing, you begin to question why you are in the situation. You ask yourself,  ‘how did I get into this situation in the first place?’ Similar to your family relationship, you were probably chosen to be in the intimate situation in which you find yourself. Unlike your family relationship, YOU HAD/HAVE A CHOICE. You just didn’t/won’t choose or still haven’t chosen to exercise it! As a matter of fact, although you didn’t choose your relationship, you STILL have a CHOICE!

On too many occasions, because of the seeming desperation of women to be with somebody, they wind up being with anybody (who probably chose them), who is actually nobody! The mantra of these women is often, ‘a piece of a man is better than no man.’ Sadly, as a woman, although you accept having what you consider a ‘piece of a man,’ you are not in a peaceful relationship with that man. That man is not who you probably want or what you want, need, and deserve in a healthy relationship, but you wind up settling for less and not for what’s best!

That ‘nobody’ is generally somebody who saw the desperation written on your forehead, crying out, ‘I just wanted to be with ‘somebody…anybody.’ That ‘nobody’ exercised his opportunity to choose who and what he wanted. And there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you, as a woman, are not on the receiving end of being chosen and not choosing.

Men, it’s not that you, as a man don’t have the same or similar experiences as women, you are less likely to be as desperate as women to get with anybody, because you are always looking for somebody, expecting the best and no one less. As a man, the difference is, you believe you can have anybody you choose to have. In essence, you believe you have a choice and you can choose your mate. You also believe you have the right and the power to choose your mate and she should accept you, just because you chose her. Too many women don’t share the same beliefs.

Because of the negative societal messages perpetuated about women, the disparities and discrepancies allowed to be proliferated between women and men, the cement ceiling faced by women, women not being given permission to have choices or to choose their relationships, as well as the low self-esteem possessed by many women, many of you are too afraid to exercise your God-given right to choose the person you would like to be with. Now, just because you choose a person, it doesn’t mean he/she will choose you back. However, you will have exercised your choice in the matter, remembering, men and women are like buses; one chooses to move on, and another one will soon appear.

Although you don’t get to choose your family, you can choose the person you take on as an intimate partner. In other words, you don’t have anyone to blame but yourself for the relationship or the situation in which you are engaged. You did and you DO have a choice in the matter!

However, just because you find yourself in a seemingly unexplainable situation with someone you didn’t choose, and you have finally awaken from the nightmare or the ‘daymare’ you have been living, keeping your foot in your behind won’t fix the situation. Although you didn’t choose the person you are with and you finally realize that he/she doesn’t fit, taking your foot out of your behind is one of the first things you must choose to do. You will need your feet in order for you to walk away from the situation!

It is time for you to recognize, capitalize, exercise, and optimize your power to choose your mate and not stay in a situation for the sake of staying with someone, all because you were chosen to take part in it. In order for you to walk out of and away from the intimate situation you have been in for sometime, or the intimate situation you are still in, knowing that it is best for you to get out of it, you must understand why you stay.

There are five (5) major reasons as to why you stay in situations with others, believing they are healthy relationships, even though you didn’t choose them. They chose you! When you understand why you stay in intimate situations you did not choose, you can now have permission to choose to make plans to exit the situation and develop a plan to choose the relationship you want and deserve.

Why you choose to stay in situations you didn’t choose:

1.     You are grown and you don’t want anyone telling you what to do

2.     You believe you are truly in love with your mate

3.     You believe you have invested too much time, effort, energy, money, and emotions in him/her

4.     You are afraid of what others will say if and when they find out that the relationship you perpetrated as successful, was a fraud; it was a situation all along

5.     You are afraid of being alone

Recognize that this list is not an exhausted list of the issues that keep you in situations that you did not necessarily choose. And if you cannot combat the issues above on your own, seek the help of a professional who can help you to confront the issues and realistically assess your options.  Begin to assess your life relationships and journal about the situations you considered relationships that did not or are not working for you, all because you were chosen and you did not do the choosing.

It all boils down to, why do you want to keep investing a million dollars ($1,000,000.00) worth of emotions, time, and energy in a five cents (5) situation?  The bottom line is, you CAN choose your relationships, intimate or otherwise! If you haven’t chosen in the past, you can start choosing today…it’s never too late!!

Real Love Does Not Include Secrets and Lies!

If you start your relationships with secrets, secrets then become lies. Secrets are basically glorified tombs of emotional, physical, and spiritual forms of imprisonment. The lies you engage in or allow your mate to engage you in, serve to keep you and your mate both in a prisoned state within your relationship. Once you tell one lie, you must then tell another lie to cover the lie you initially told, in order for you to hide the secret you believed needed to be hidden; which was actually a truth you needed to face. Relationships full of secrets and lies cannot thrive, nor will they survive!

For every secret, there is an attached lie. Eventually, one of you will lose and one of you will win.   However, in all actuality, when secrets and lies are involved, both of you will eventually lose...one way or another.  If you start your relationships with honesty and openness, you will not only start out on the right foot, your relationships will continue in the right direction and on the right path…a path of thriving and surviving

It is important for you to recognize why you believe you must keep secrets and why the truth you are hiding has to be a secret. Who and what are you hiding from? What are you running away from? Relationships come and relationships go. However, if you want your relationships to not only come, but to also remain, you must recognize the importance of engaging in happy, positive, and healthy relationships from the onset. Happy, positive, and healthy relationships involve truth and honesty, from start to finish.

It is important to remember that the way you start your relationships will determine the direction as well as the destiny of your relationships. Happy, positive, and healthy relationships must start with you being honest and open with yourself, before you can expect to have happy, positive, and healthy relationships with others.

A ‘real’ relationship with ‘real’ love doesn’t have secrets and lies as it’s base; cheating is an exception and not an option; dishonesty is not the mantra of your relationship; secrets are only kept as surprises and expressions of love; sneaking around entails you wearing sneakers on your feet and not sneaking around on your mate; and hiding information is not acceptable. As a matter of fact, if these characteristics exist, you are not in a ‘real’ relationship, but a perpetrated situation!

Relationships that do not include secrets and lies are those that entail honest and open communication. These are the happy, positive, and healthy relationships. On the other hand, situations involve wallet and purse rifling, cell phone inspections, clothes and underwear sniffing, secrets and lies, as well as other wild and crazy behaviors. And if you aren’t yet in a relationship, be sure to avoid those situations that involve secrets and lies. You deserve better!

You must decide if you want to be in a situation or a relationship. A situation is a short-term convenience, whereas, a relationship is a long-term commitment. Situations are usually perpetrated forms of opportunity and many times involve secrets and lies. Either you choose a situation that encompasses no love at all, which is basically love without a heart, or you can choose a relationship that is filled with ‘real’ love…love that starts as Philia love, becoming Eros love. But before you can have Philia or Eros love with someone else, you must have Agape love, which is Godly love.

How Can You Have Real Love that Does Not Include Secrets and Lies?

1.     Love you first.  It is imperative that you have a relationship with yourself before you will be able to have a successful relationship with someone else.  If you have difficulty loving and accepting you, you will have difficulty loving and accepting someone else.  You will also have difficulty allowing someone else to love and accept you.

2.     Be yourself.  If you have to change who you are in order to be in a relationship, something is wrong.  The way you start a relationship is the way it will end.  There is nothing wrong with compromising, but you should not have to give up being you.

3.     Be specific about what you are looking for and expecting in a relationship.  Your needs and wants are imperative to a successful relationship.  If you are not sure as to what you are looking for in and individual, including your expectations, you will probably settle for anything and anyone.

4.     Get to know the person before entering into a relationship.  You need to know as much as you can about the person before entering into a relationship, including background information, sexual orientation, cultural values, family of origin issues, credit score, educational background, etc.

5.     Ensure that you and the person are reaching for the same goals and have the same vision.   Most relationships are not successful because the two parties are not on the same page and they are not going in the right direction.  You must have more than a couple of things in common, especially if you expect the relationship to last for a period of time.

6.     Be honest with yourself about your past, your present, and your future.  Take inventory of your life; where you have been, where you are, and where you are going. This process entails you forgiving yourself and letting go of your painful past, allowing you to no longer feel guilt.

7.     Engage in a personal oath to not hold secrets or engage in lies with yourself. If you stop holding imprisoning secrets that contain pain and stop lying to yourself about the secrets, it will be easy for you to not engage in relationships that cause you to hold secrets believe that you have to lie about them

8.     Free yourself to accept no one and nothing but the best. You have taken a realistic look at yourself, forgiven yourself, and you no longer have to engage in secrets and lies with yourself. Therefore, you will engage in relationships with persons who are compatible to and with you. You see yourself as the best…you will only seek and accept the best!

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