Overcoming the Darkness of Depression During the Holidays & Beyond

It is truly amazing that we are literally at the front door of the holiday season. It seems as if summer was here just yesterday, confirming the old adage, “time really flies.” Although many of you view the holiday season as a time of joy, excitement, love, sharing, and celebration, for many of your partners, friends, family members, loved ones, and even possibly for you, the holiday season is a difficult time of the year. It is a time when you remember things you would like to forget; your loss of loved ones, your sense of loneliness, your negative financial situation, your unemployment, your underemployment, doors that have closed in your life, other losses you have experienced, your prevailing sense of sadness, your depression, and/or your seeming sense of helplessness, and hopelessness.  

For many of you, the holiday season seems to exacerbate your already emotionally fragile state of mind and emotions. Not only are you having even more difficulty during this time of year in dealing with the above difficulties, you are also faced with the issue of losing yourself. This los of self, as related to depression causes major disruptions in your ability to celebrate and experience joy, happiness, and wholeness in your life, especially during the holiday season. While faced with the many ills that seem out of your control, your depression seems to spiral during the holidays, making it difficult for you to cope. However, there is a way out, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just as the holidays come and go, so will the adversities you are facing!

Depression is defined as …feelings of a sense of despondency and dejection. Depression is a mood disorder. And believe me, you are NOT the only one suffering from depression! According to a 2003 study by the National Institute for Clinical Excellence, 1 in 4 women will require treatment for depression, compared to 1in 10 men. Men are less likely to seek professional help for their depression.

Often, we ignore the symptoms of depression; the sadness, the crying spells, the loss of interest in things that brought you pleasure in the past, increased stress, anxiety, isolation, agitation, insomnia or excessive sleeping, lack of motivation, exhaustion, anger, mood swings, excessive weight gain or excessive weight loss, unpredictable behaviors, forgetfulness, low self-esteem, flat affect, addictive behaviors, you see no way out, a sense of helplessness and/or helplessness, being in a dark space/hole that you don’t seem to get out of, suicidal thoughts/plan, increased physical pain in different areas of your body, etc.  Now, while you might not have all of these symptoms, if you have many of these symptoms more days than you don’t have them, you are probably suffering from depression. Okay, I know; many of these symptoms can also be attributed to many physical ills. This is most certainly true and one of the reasons that I have my clients presenting with three or more of these symptoms to have undergone or to undergo a physical exam, in order to rule out any physical ailments. But also know that if you are suffering from major physical illnesses, you are probably suffering from depression also…and again, your depression is increased during the holiday season.

Many of you probably have different terminology for what is really a state of depression. You might consider yourself or a loved one as being ‘sad all the time,’ ‘having the blues,’ ‘feeling strange,’ ‘acting strange,’ ‘off the chain,’ ‘a little weepy’ most days, feeling a ‘little off balance,’ seeming a ‘little unstable,’ ‘under the weather,’ ‘feeling out of sorts,’ ‘not myself (him/herself),’ ‘can’t put a finger on it,’ etc. Because our society is just recently recognizing and publicly acknowledging that depression is a health crisis of major proportion as are many of the physical illnesses that impact the young as well the old, males as well as females, persons of all socio-economic backgrounds, all races, and all cultures, we are still lagging behind in equitable and adequate mental health treatment for ALL people.

In some cultures (especially the African-American culture and other non-majority cultures), acknowledging and discussing the issue of depression and the need to seek professional help is taboo for many. It’s akin to discussing the “Big C”—cancer. Unfortunately, any reference to mental health disabilities is often associated to the myth of one being considered “crazy!” As a result, there are too many who suffer in silence from depressive disorders. And we wonder why Uncle John, Aunt Suzy, sister Bev, or brother Al seem to be sad all the time or off the chain many times, especially during the holiday dinners. Their moods and behaviors are probably unpredictable and even more so during the holidays.  THEY ARE DEPRESSED!!!

During the holidays, depression not only increases due to the issues cited previously, but it is also increased because of the pressure many of you put on yourselves. The holiday season is very commercialized, and you have bought into it. You put yourself under undo stress and anxiety to live a life that you probably can’t afford; buying gifts that you probably can’t afford, and for people that you probably don’t even like! You are putting yourself under too much pressure for a period of time that will pass, just as fast as the days of the week and the seasons of the year! Even after the holidays are gone, you still have to live!

In addition, men are rarely given permission to acknowledge and show emotion, let alone acknowledge their depressive state and seek professional help. As a result, many men are uninformed or ill informed about what is wrong with them and they try to not only hide the strange feelings they are experiencing, their depression often goes untreated, spiraling out of control, catapulting them into frightening territories. The results are many times quite grave, resulting in self-destruction through alcohol, drugs, as well as other addictive behaviors, or they directly or indirectly cause the destruction of others. On too many occasions, the destruction is in the form of suicide, as well as the death of loved ones and others, usually with the use of guns.

Women also face many of the destructive behaviors men face as a result of their untreated depressive disorders. However, their destructive behaviors are usually not at as massive and publicly waged as men. Often they die silently with prescription medication or other means.

Ironically, in 2000, right after the holidays, my son-in-law committed suicide. I knew he had a bipolar disorder, but encouraging him and other family members that he needed professional mental health treatment, which would include talk therapy and medication maintenance, proved to be very difficult, resulting in his death. I was finally able to convince him to seek therapy. But without having a competent mental health professional who was able to see through his smoke screens, and due to his lack of compliance, he lost his battle. He was a star football player, a handsome guy, very intelligent, and a Morehouse College graduate, who had tried to live with the secret of depression the majority of his life.

I am pleased to see that with the recent issues plaguing our society, such as the school shootings, other murders and suicides, like that of famed comedian and actor Robin Williams, more men are acknowledging and talking about the issue of depression and calling for treatment. Like my son-in-law, many of you suffer from chemical imbalances related to the serotonin, a chemical in the brain, which acts as a neurotransmitter, relaying signals from one area of the brain to another. Although serotonin is found in the brain, performing its primary task, about 90% is found in the digestive tract and in blood platelets. Many researches believe that the imbalance in serotonin levels has direct influence on one’s mood, leading to depression.

Due to space and time, I am unable to present all forms of depression. However, any form of depression that can and will take you away from your normal and customary feelings, actions, moods, and behaviors, dictate the need for treatment. Those of you who are diagnosed as being clinically depressed, those with bi-polar disorders, post-partum depression, seasonal depression, PTSD, situational depression, and any of the other diagnosed mental health disorders will have a better quality of life if you seek and engage in committed and consistent treatment with a mental health professional.

If you already suffer from a depressive disorder, if untreated with a combination of talk therapy, medication maintenance, exercise, and proper diet, the holiday season can prove very difficult for you. Some of you might also benefit from Intensive Outpatient Treatment (IOPT) or inpatient treatment (hospitalization). A lot of painful memories are dredged up during the holiday season, causing your depression to become more paramount. Remember, DEPRESSION DOES NOT MEAN CRAZY!!! And, all depressive disorders do not call for medication maintenance. However, if needed, don’t hesitate to accept and comply. You and your therapist can decide how often you need to come for therapy sessions, along with the mode and approach needed to treat your depressive disorder. And if you find yourself feeling suicidal, with or without a plan, don’t be afraid to go to the nearest emergency room. And family members and friends, it is important that you not try to treat the depressive disorders of your family members and friends, help them to get help from a professional! STAY IN YOUR LANE!!!

Even though you suffer from depression and the holidays make it even more difficult for you to cope, you CAN once again hold your head up, laugh, and keep moving forward, no matter what your situation seems kike; no matter how bleak things might seem, and no matter how dark your tunnel of life might appear, there is hope for you in managing your depression at all times…even during the holidays.  Simply put, rest assured that whatever you are going through IS merely a SITUATION and NOT necessarily YOUR CONDITION! If you hold on and hold out, it will pass! Your depression can be managed. SUICIDE IS NEVER AN OPTION!!!

For every door that closes, a bigger one will surely open.  It's time for you to close some of the doors of darkness in your life, so that you can begin to behold the light of prosperity, healing, hope, happiness, joy, and excitement! I want to remind you that although you might be in the tunnel of darkness and despair, due to external situations and circumstances, or your depressive disorder which you have suffered from for many years has seemed uncontrollable, THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!! You CAN move out of your tunnel and learn to once again live in the light! Don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and ask for help. All of the major mental health fields have national, state, and local chapters of their organizations that you can call and seek help, including the association for marriage and family therapy, associations for psychologists, associations for professional counselors, and associations for psychiatrists.

But He Loves Me-He’ll Change: The Fallacies About Domestic Violence & Why Women Stay

October is recognized as ‘Domestic Violence Awareness Month.’ The subject of domestic violence has for too long been a taboo subject in our society. And if the perpetrator is of ‘high stature and status, ’ economically, politically, or socially, you dare to even think about bringing their violent behaviors to light. Many of these perpetrators of domestic violence are like Jekyll and Hyde. When they are with their mate behind closed doors (and sometimes in public), they are very abusive, disrespectful, and violent. However, when they are around others, family, friends, and colleagues, they can be as ‘sweet as pie.’ Basically, the perpetrator wears two faces (and sometimes more)…good and evil.

Over the past few months, I am sure you’ve witnessed the flurry of media coverage and other conversations about the issue of domestic violence in the NFL and other sports. And then you begin to wonder, ‘why now?’ Domestic Violence is not a new phenomenon. It’s been around forever and a day. For some, it has always been a way of life, with the survivor crying in silence on a daily basis. Although there are men who are or who have been involved in domestic violence situations, one in three women will face domestic violence at some point in their life. Sadly, too often in America, until a situation becomes an issue for certain people, it is not an important enough issue to discuss or to take action about.

Although the abusive behaviors by many athletes have been uncovered, you must be careful to not stereotype all men who play sports as abusers of their mates. In all actuality, one abuser is too many, no matter what the profession! Most certainly, the violence perpetuated by many of our athletes is only a continuation and extension of the violence perpetuated in homes across America. It’s the man who commits the violence; the sport and the money seem to make many athletes believe they have the right to be violent off the field or out of the arena, as well as on the field or in the arena.

Domestic violence is not just an issue for some athletes, it’s an issue for people in general and society as a whole! In reality, domestic violence is a crisis of national proportion. It affects EVERYONE, not only the survivor who is hurt physically, emotionally, psychologically, and economically. There are children, family members, friends, colleagues, and other significant people who pay a dear price as a result of domestic violence. It affects the rich and the poor and people of all races, creed, and cultures.

Unfortunately, there are too many women who stay in situations involving domestic violence! You wonder why they stay, and the abused wonder why they stay also!!!  Too often, many survivors of domestic violence and many who sadly did not survive, believed that the perpetrator would change. Unlike the leaves on the trees, the new hairstyle you adopted, the clothes you took off after work, the different direction your life took, the new decision you made…all involving change, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!!  So the question is, why do you stay in a situation (it’s truly not a relationship) where you are being punched, slapped, or kicked? A true relationship espouses love, not violence.

Although the perpetrator will probably not change because of his violent mindset, violent beliefs, violent attitude, and violent behaviors, you must realize that his abuse has nothing to do with you as a female. The perpetrators’ problems are related to their unresolved current and past issues. However, as a survivor, you must want to change your situation and make the decision to change your situation. You will not be able to make any changes until you decide to love yourself, respect yourself, accept yourself, and above all, be yourself! You must get to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It is important to understand that any form of abuse and violence is an act of control and unacceptable. The perpetrator doesn’t feel in control of himself or anything else in his life. Therefore, he decides to use violent tactics in an effort to take control of the person he deems the weakest link in his life…you, the woman who loves him immensely. Also recognize that the domestic abuser has problems with women in general, and they probably started with his mother. He usually has low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and he would never stand up to a another man the way he steps on a woman. He is selfish and believes that his penis, his fists, his hands, and his feet are what make him a man!

The abuse put forth by the abuser is done in order to strip you of your power!  Once you are in a powerless position, he renders more abuse and more violence against you.  Forcing you to stay home and not work, fostering financial dependency on him, renders him more powerful.

Domestic violence is a vicious cycle of manipulation, control (physical, verbal, economic, emotional, psychological), isolation, blame, anger, deceit, and misuse of loved ones. And if there was  a way into this abusive situation, there must be a way out of it. And as women, many of you saw that the perpetrator was abusive from the onset, but you ignored the red flags and thought you could ‘change’ him. Unfortunately, what you accepted is what you got!!!

As a woman, in order for you to avoid an abusive situation, get out of an abusive situation, or help a friend, colleague, or family member who is currently in or approaching an abusive situation, it is imperative that you are aware of and recognize abusive behaviors put forth by abusers. And if you are a male reading this blog and you happen to be an abuser or know of someone who is an abuser, being aware of and recognizing these behaviors will hopefully empower you to confront him to get some help.

·      He verbally abuses you; calls you names

·      He physically abuses you; hits, shoves, punches, slaps, and/or kicks you; throws things at you or on you (hot or cold beverages)

·      He forces you to lie about your noticeable physical scars

·      He embarrasses you in front of family, friends, children, personally and publicly

·      He forces you to have unwanted or painful sex and then apologizes for his abusive behavior; the honeymoon period…you see it as love making

·      He emotionally abuses you…makes you believe no one else wants you and that you disserve his mistreatment and maltreatment

·      He withholds finances from you, including credit cards, rendering you incapable of effectively managing the household expenses

·      He makes you believe you have no voice…nothing to say and no one wants to hear you…you have too much mouth/lip

·      He makes you believe that you need to ‘remember your place’

·      He makes you believe you can’t spend time with male or female friends

·      He isolates you from family members and friends by making you feel guilty

·      He curses and yells at you and makes you believe it’s okay

·      You are made to believe that you are not capable of choosing your clothes or freely going about your day without having to give him a minute by minute, hour by hour, or day by day account of your location; making you believe he is showing you love

·      You do as he says and he does what he wants to do; what is good for the goose is NOT good for the gander

·      He is very critical of you; finds fault in everything you do

·      He lies to you and dares you to question him

·      He blames you for his behaviors and all of his problems and shortcomings

·      His seeming acts of jealousy are control mechanisms

·      He is a ‘POWER STRIPPER’

We many times wonder why a woman stays in situations of abuse and violence.  She often believes that she doesn’t have a choice in the matter and that she has nowhere to go.  Also, during the cycle of abuse and violence, the perpetrator will apologize for his behaviors, use sex as a way to show that he is sorry, giving you a false sense of security.  These acts of false affection are called honeymoon periods.  The honeymoon period is another control tactic put forth by the perpetrator to continue the cycle of control, abuse and violence against you.

The way you start a situation is the way it will end. Also, remember, you can’t make a situation a relationship, you can’t control anyone, and you can’t make someone love you who doesn’t know how to love himself or anyone else. And then there are many of you who are afraid to make changes because you cannot see any farther than your current abusive situation. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the sunshine always comes after the rain. THERE IS A WAY OUT! You must have the will to get out!

You must stop seeing yourself as a victim. Turn in your ‘victim’ membership card and start saying today, ‘I AM A SURVIVOR.’  GET THE HELL OUT WHILE YOU CAN!

It is imperative that as an abused woman, you seek help in order for you to break the cycle of abuse and domestic violence by speaking with a trusted family member or friend regarding your mistreatment and maltreatment by your abuser.  Seeking a battered women’s shelter in your town, a professional psychotherapist, or contacting the national abuse/domestic violence hotline are always options.

As abused and battered women, you need to know that there is a way out of your negative situation and that you were born to grow, blossom, and contribute favorably to society.  You don’t have to relinquish your control to anyone!  As a matter of fact, YOU DO have a choice in the matter!! Take it!!!

What Happens With the Noose is Up to You: You Control Your Destiny

It was the late sixties and I was caught in one of the most difficult times of my life…forced busing and integration that has never really taken place. I distinctively remember my classes. I was moved from first chair clarinet to third chair at the newly configured, so-called “mixed school.” African-American students were treated as if we were from third world countries; holding our hands up with the right answer, only to be shot down by Ms. Habick (Blond-haired, blue-eyed English teacher) who would rather call on a White student with the wrong answer, before calling on me, an African-American with the right answer.

Amazingly, we had our hands up back then, hoping to be recognized with a correct response and not shot down with rejection, avoidance, and disrespect. Here we are in the year 2014, fifty-years post Civil Rights Movement, and African-Americans, Caucasians, Hispanics, and others, are still marching in Ferguson, Missouri and other cities, with their hands up, asking not to be shot with bullets, pepper sprayed, gassed, or the use of other weapons “of mass destruction,” to silence and control the voices of the people, pleading for their lives….

Unfortunately, there are still many Americans who are stuck in the throws of seeing differences in others, rather than similarities; discriminating against others, rather than respecting them; and showing inferior treatment towards others, rather than accepting them unconditionally. Recently, Ferguson, Missouri was thrust into the limelight as the cover of racism and discrimination were pulled from over them, when an African-American teen, Michael Brown was murdered, by a White police officer. Sadly, there are too many cities in America that are analogous to Ferguson. As a result of Michael Brown’s murder, decades of unfair treatment of people of color have been brought to light in Ferguson and around the country. Many African-Americans seemed shocked and surprised that much of what was happening in the sixties to people of color, is still happening in 2014. 

However, as African-Americans, there should be no surprises. Too many of us have become complacent, believing that if some of us have arrived, all of us have arrived.  We have forgotten to remember our history. Too many of us believe that THEY will change. We are so busy looking for change to for us to come from others, that we have forgotten who is in in our mirrors looking back at us each and every day. It is time for African-Americans to realize that we are in control of our own destinies and that ‘PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!’ Until they change their hearts and change their mindsets, people of color and people who look different from others will remain an after thought, if a thought at all.

As African-Americans, we must come to change our mindsets about US; change our perceptions of OURSELVES as a people. We must begin to prioritize what is important, recognizing that until ALL OF US  have arrived, NONE OF US has arrived. We must stop looking for THEM  to make the changes and make the necessary changes OURSELVES. If others see us as unworthy and we begin to see ourselves and continue to treat ourselves the same, we can’t expect others to change their perceptions about us; it takes US to make the changes in how we see ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and how we treat each other as African-Americans.

As African-Americans, when we think about racism, we see 1967, not realizing that it was only yesterday. Unfortunately, too many of us have been given a false sense of security and made to believe that society and the system see African-Americans as equal to the majority. The problem is, too many see African-Americans as being equal only to other African-Americans; we all look the same.

We have worn our rose-colored sunglasses for too long. We have been fooled by the mammoth-sized houses that can be taken from us at any time, the jobs that others don’t believe we are qualified to hold or have a right to hold, the education many NEVER believed we deserved to achieve and still are not respected for achieving, and the cars that we are allowed to purchase, but still not owned.

As African-Americans, until we wake up and see that 1967 exists in 2014, we will continue to walk around with heavy hearts, our heads in a tail spin of confusion, our minds clouded with doubt, and our very rights to equality and our beliefs about who we are will not only be continuously questioned, but taken away. The day we open our eyes and see that the murders of our African-American boys and African-American men are the extensions of the lynchings that took place prior to and during the Civil Rights Movement, we will NEVER see things change for the better for African-Americans in our lifetime. The visible chains and shackles have been removed from our hands, our feet, and our necks. However, we have allowed the system to replace the visible chains and shackles with invisible, more powerful chains and shackles by binding our minds, our hearts, and our thoughts, keeping us focused on material things that are dangled in front of us, keeping us in slavery, believing that our greatest and worst enemy is each other.

Until we wake up and see that the modern day lynchings of African-Americans are now in the form of low or no education, guns and other weapons that we tend to use on each other, drugs, sexual exploitations, self-abuse and disrespect, black on black crime, and material things we don’t need (high priced sneakers, purses, and other things we use to define ourselves) which are all forms of genocide, intentionally and systematically put in place, we will continue to see replays of Emmitt Till, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, Martin Luther King, Jr., Amadou Diallo, Eric Bell, Trayvon Martin, Jordan Davis, Eric Garner, Michael Brown, and the thousands of other African-American males who have died because they were seen as ‘three-fifths of a man,’ and as threats to others. It is known that for every African-American male who’s jailed, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually murdered, the African-American population is being drastically diminished.

We sat back and allowed prayer to be taken out of our schools, while the devil was invited in. We ask our children what we want them to do, instead of telling them and guiding them to what they need to do. We have thrown discipline out the window, and our children have CHOICES about church and school.  Too many of us accept substandard treatment from the post office to the neighborhood stores in our communities. Our churches have become big businesses at the expense of the people who show up to worship, looking for hope and a way out, while the heads, hands, and pockets of the church leaders keep expanding, and hands and pockets of the body (the people) keep shrinking. And too many of us abate our rights to make our voices heard in the voting booths of America. As Malcolm X once stated many years ago, and it still holds true today, ‘we have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and thrown amuck.” Wake up black folk…racism still exists!!! We are the only ones who can control our destiny and what Happens with the noose is up to YOU and US!

Sadly, when people such as Bill Cosby speak the truth about US as African-Americans and our seeming lack of responsibility and accountability in modern day times, because we seem to be so busy chasing dollars, we get ‘mad’ and become offended. We are constantly looking for ‘A LEADER’ to emerge among us. Look in the mirror!!! The leader is standing in front of you and resides inside of you! What are you willing to do to take on a leadership role to help address the many problems still facing us as African-Americans?

A major issue is the haves believing that they are entitled to having and keeping all that they have, at the expense of the have not's. And the have not's are desperately looking to others (too often to the haves) to help them to reach their destiny in life and gain equality. It is past time for the have not's to recognize that as long as you are waiting for someone else to fix what's wrong within and around your life, or for the haves to take responsibility and become accountable for how they have treated you because of your racial and/or cultural background, you will still not have the justice afforded you under the constitution of the United States.  You must take a stand to claim and/or reclaim you position with yourself, with your family, and then with and within society, but with pride and without destruction.

It is imperative that As African-Americans, you must reach out to each other, hold each other accountable, take back your neighborhoods, take back your schools, TAKE BACK YOUR HOMES, YOUR CHILDREN,  AND YOUR FAMILIES!!! However, we must also rid ourselves of the ‘crab in the barrel’ mentality that we seem to have adopted in the past few decades. If ten of you can each pass the message to ten others, look at how powerful the message then becomes. If each one reaches one and teaches one, you will have accomplished quite a bit. One of the greatest problems that have plagued us as African-Americans, is that we tend to forget each other as we gain information, gain understanding, as we grow financially, grow in prominence, gain positions, and gain power. In the words of Frankie Beverly and Maze, “We are ONE!”  The group goes on to say, “…Can’t understand why we treat each other this way.” So you must ask yourself, why do you/we treat each other the way we do?

As African-Americans, I challenge you to form coalitions and not continue the competitions in order to do the following:

·      Define the PURPOSE as a people

·      Identify PRIORITIES needed to help fix the plethora of issues

·      Discuss and identify the POSSIBILITIES

·      Don’t be afraid to see the POTENTIAL

·      Develop a PLAN

·      Make PREPARATION to implement the PLAN

·      Gather together to engage in corporate PRAYER

YOU ARE YOUR BROTHERS’/SISTERS’ KEEPER! YOU not only determine what happens with the noose, YOU control YOUR destiny as an individual and as a people. Stop looking on the outside to fix what’s wrong on the inside! YOU have to be the change YOU want to see!!