October
is recognized as ‘Domestic Violence Awareness Month.’ The subject of domestic
violence has for too long been a taboo subject in our society. And if the perpetrator
is of ‘high stature and status, ’ economically, politically, or socially, you
dare to even think about bringing their violent behaviors to light. Many of these
perpetrators of domestic violence are like Jekyll and Hyde. When they are with
their mate behind closed doors (and sometimes in public), they are very
abusive, disrespectful, and violent. However, when they are around others,
family, friends, and colleagues, they can be as ‘sweet as pie.’ Basically, the
perpetrator wears two faces (and sometimes more)…good and evil.
Over
the past few months, I am sure you’ve witnessed the flurry of media coverage
and other conversations about the issue of domestic violence in the NFL and
other sports. And then you begin to wonder, ‘why now?’ Domestic Violence is not
a new phenomenon. It’s been around forever and a day. For some, it has always
been a way of life, with the survivor crying in silence on a daily basis. Although
there are men who are or who have been involved in domestic violence
situations, one in three women will face domestic violence at some point in
their life. Sadly, too often in America, until a situation becomes an issue for
certain people, it is not an important enough issue to discuss or to take
action about.
Although
the abusive behaviors by many athletes have been uncovered, you must be careful
to not stereotype all men who play sports as abusers of their mates. In all
actuality, one abuser is too many, no matter what the profession! Most
certainly, the violence perpetuated by many of our athletes is only a
continuation and extension of the violence perpetuated in homes across America.
It’s the man who commits the violence; the sport and the money seem to make
many athletes believe they have the right to be violent off the field or out of
the arena, as well as on the field or in the arena.
Domestic
violence is not just an issue for some athletes, it’s an issue for people in
general and society as a whole! In reality, domestic violence is a crisis of
national proportion. It affects EVERYONE, not only the survivor who is hurt
physically, emotionally, psychologically, and economically. There are children,
family members, friends, colleagues, and other significant people who pay a
dear price as a result of domestic violence. It affects the rich and the poor
and people of all races, creed, and cultures.
Unfortunately,
there are too many women who stay in situations involving domestic violence!
You wonder why they stay, and the abused wonder why they stay also!!! Too often, many survivors of domestic
violence and many who sadly did not survive, believed that the perpetrator
would change. Unlike the leaves on the trees, the new hairstyle you adopted,
the clothes you took off after work, the different direction your life took,
the new decision you made…all involving change, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!! So the question is, why
do you stay in a situation (it’s truly not a relationship) where you are being
punched, slapped, or kicked? A true relationship espouses love, not violence.
Although
the perpetrator will probably not change because of his violent mindset,
violent beliefs, violent attitude, and violent behaviors, you must realize that
his abuse has nothing to do with you as a female. The perpetrators’ problems
are related to their unresolved current and past issues. However, as a
survivor, you must want to change your situation and make the decision to
change your situation. You will not be able to make any changes until you
decide to love yourself, respect yourself, accept yourself, and above all, be
yourself! You must get to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and
tired.
It is important to understand that any form of abuse and
violence is an act of control and unacceptable. The perpetrator doesn’t feel in
control of himself or anything else in his life. Therefore, he decides to use
violent tactics in an effort to take control of the person he deems the weakest
link in his life…you, the woman who loves him immensely. Also recognize that
the domestic abuser has problems with women in general, and they probably
started with his mother. He usually has low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and
he would never stand up to a another man the way he steps on a woman. He is
selfish and believes that his penis, his fists, his hands, and his feet are
what make him a man!
The abuse put forth by the abuser is done in order to strip
you of your power! Once you are in a
powerless position, he renders more abuse and more violence against you. Forcing you to stay home and not work,
fostering financial dependency on him, renders him more powerful.
Domestic violence is a vicious cycle of manipulation,
control (physical, verbal, economic, emotional, psychological), isolation,
blame, anger, deceit, and misuse of loved ones. And if there was a way into this abusive situation, there must
be a way out of it. And as women, many of you saw that the perpetrator was
abusive from the onset, but you ignored the red flags and thought you could
‘change’ him. Unfortunately, what you accepted is what you got!!!
As a woman, in order for you to avoid an abusive situation,
get out of an abusive situation, or help a friend, colleague, or family member
who is currently in or approaching an abusive situation, it is imperative that
you are aware of and recognize abusive behaviors put forth by abusers. And if
you are a male reading this blog and you happen to be an abuser or know of
someone who is an abuser, being aware of and recognizing these behaviors will
hopefully empower you to confront him to get some help.
·
He verbally abuses
you; calls you names
·
He physically abuses
you; hits, shoves, punches, slaps, and/or kicks you; throws things at you or on
you (hot or cold beverages)
·
He forces you to lie
about your noticeable physical scars
·
He embarrasses you in
front of family, friends, children, personally and publicly
·
He forces you to have
unwanted or painful sex and then apologizes for his abusive behavior; the
honeymoon period…you see it as love making
·
He emotionally abuses
you…makes you believe no one else wants you and that you disserve his
mistreatment and maltreatment
·
He withholds finances
from you, including credit cards, rendering you incapable of effectively
managing the household expenses
·
He makes you believe
you have no voice…nothing to say and no one wants to hear you…you have too much
mouth/lip
·
He makes you believe
that you need to ‘remember your place’
·
He makes you believe you
can’t spend time with male or female friends
·
He isolates you from family
members and friends by making you feel guilty
·
He curses and yells at
you and makes you believe it’s okay
·
You are made to
believe that you are not capable of choosing your clothes or freely going about
your day without having to give him a minute by minute, hour by hour, or day by
day account of your location; making you believe he is showing you love
·
You do as he says and
he does what he wants to do; what is good for the goose is NOT good for the
gander
·
He is very critical of
you; finds fault in everything you do
·
He lies to you and
dares you to question him
·
He blames you for his
behaviors and all of his problems and shortcomings
·
His seeming acts of
jealousy are control mechanisms
·
He is a ‘POWER
STRIPPER’
We many times wonder why a woman stays in situations of
abuse and violence. She often believes
that she doesn’t have a choice in the matter and that she has nowhere to
go. Also, during the cycle of abuse and
violence, the perpetrator will apologize for his behaviors, use sex as a way to
show that he is sorry, giving you a false sense of security. These acts of false affection are called
honeymoon periods. The honeymoon period
is another control tactic put forth by the perpetrator to continue the cycle of
control, abuse and violence against you.
The way you start a situation is the way it will end. Also,
remember, you can’t make a situation a relationship, you can’t control anyone,
and you can’t make someone love you who doesn’t know how to love himself or
anyone else. And then there are many of you who are afraid to make changes
because you cannot see any farther than your current abusive situation.
However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the sunshine always
comes after the rain. THERE IS A WAY OUT! You must have the will to get out!
You must stop seeing yourself as a victim. Turn in your ‘victim’
membership card and start saying today, ‘I AM A SURVIVOR.’ GET THE HELL OUT WHILE YOU CAN!
It is imperative that as an abused woman, you seek help in
order for you to break the cycle of abuse and domestic violence by speaking
with a trusted family member or friend regarding your mistreatment and
maltreatment by your abuser. Seeking a
battered women’s shelter in your town, a professional psychotherapist, or
contacting the national abuse/domestic violence hotline are always options.
As abused and battered women, you need to know that there
is a way out of your negative situation and that you were born to grow, blossom,
and contribute favorably to society. You
don’t have to relinquish your control to anyone! As a matter of fact, YOU DO have a choice in
the matter!! Take it!!!
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