But He Loves Me-He’ll Change: The Fallacies About Domestic Violence & Why Women Stay

October is recognized as ‘Domestic Violence Awareness Month.’ The subject of domestic violence has for too long been a taboo subject in our society. And if the perpetrator is of ‘high stature and status, ’ economically, politically, or socially, you dare to even think about bringing their violent behaviors to light. Many of these perpetrators of domestic violence are like Jekyll and Hyde. When they are with their mate behind closed doors (and sometimes in public), they are very abusive, disrespectful, and violent. However, when they are around others, family, friends, and colleagues, they can be as ‘sweet as pie.’ Basically, the perpetrator wears two faces (and sometimes more)…good and evil.

Over the past few months, I am sure you’ve witnessed the flurry of media coverage and other conversations about the issue of domestic violence in the NFL and other sports. And then you begin to wonder, ‘why now?’ Domestic Violence is not a new phenomenon. It’s been around forever and a day. For some, it has always been a way of life, with the survivor crying in silence on a daily basis. Although there are men who are or who have been involved in domestic violence situations, one in three women will face domestic violence at some point in their life. Sadly, too often in America, until a situation becomes an issue for certain people, it is not an important enough issue to discuss or to take action about.

Although the abusive behaviors by many athletes have been uncovered, you must be careful to not stereotype all men who play sports as abusers of their mates. In all actuality, one abuser is too many, no matter what the profession! Most certainly, the violence perpetuated by many of our athletes is only a continuation and extension of the violence perpetuated in homes across America. It’s the man who commits the violence; the sport and the money seem to make many athletes believe they have the right to be violent off the field or out of the arena, as well as on the field or in the arena.

Domestic violence is not just an issue for some athletes, it’s an issue for people in general and society as a whole! In reality, domestic violence is a crisis of national proportion. It affects EVERYONE, not only the survivor who is hurt physically, emotionally, psychologically, and economically. There are children, family members, friends, colleagues, and other significant people who pay a dear price as a result of domestic violence. It affects the rich and the poor and people of all races, creed, and cultures.

Unfortunately, there are too many women who stay in situations involving domestic violence! You wonder why they stay, and the abused wonder why they stay also!!!  Too often, many survivors of domestic violence and many who sadly did not survive, believed that the perpetrator would change. Unlike the leaves on the trees, the new hairstyle you adopted, the clothes you took off after work, the different direction your life took, the new decision you made…all involving change, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!!  So the question is, why do you stay in a situation (it’s truly not a relationship) where you are being punched, slapped, or kicked? A true relationship espouses love, not violence.

Although the perpetrator will probably not change because of his violent mindset, violent beliefs, violent attitude, and violent behaviors, you must realize that his abuse has nothing to do with you as a female. The perpetrators’ problems are related to their unresolved current and past issues. However, as a survivor, you must want to change your situation and make the decision to change your situation. You will not be able to make any changes until you decide to love yourself, respect yourself, accept yourself, and above all, be yourself! You must get to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It is important to understand that any form of abuse and violence is an act of control and unacceptable. The perpetrator doesn’t feel in control of himself or anything else in his life. Therefore, he decides to use violent tactics in an effort to take control of the person he deems the weakest link in his life…you, the woman who loves him immensely. Also recognize that the domestic abuser has problems with women in general, and they probably started with his mother. He usually has low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and he would never stand up to a another man the way he steps on a woman. He is selfish and believes that his penis, his fists, his hands, and his feet are what make him a man!

The abuse put forth by the abuser is done in order to strip you of your power!  Once you are in a powerless position, he renders more abuse and more violence against you.  Forcing you to stay home and not work, fostering financial dependency on him, renders him more powerful.

Domestic violence is a vicious cycle of manipulation, control (physical, verbal, economic, emotional, psychological), isolation, blame, anger, deceit, and misuse of loved ones. And if there was  a way into this abusive situation, there must be a way out of it. And as women, many of you saw that the perpetrator was abusive from the onset, but you ignored the red flags and thought you could ‘change’ him. Unfortunately, what you accepted is what you got!!!

As a woman, in order for you to avoid an abusive situation, get out of an abusive situation, or help a friend, colleague, or family member who is currently in or approaching an abusive situation, it is imperative that you are aware of and recognize abusive behaviors put forth by abusers. And if you are a male reading this blog and you happen to be an abuser or know of someone who is an abuser, being aware of and recognizing these behaviors will hopefully empower you to confront him to get some help.

·      He verbally abuses you; calls you names

·      He physically abuses you; hits, shoves, punches, slaps, and/or kicks you; throws things at you or on you (hot or cold beverages)

·      He forces you to lie about your noticeable physical scars

·      He embarrasses you in front of family, friends, children, personally and publicly

·      He forces you to have unwanted or painful sex and then apologizes for his abusive behavior; the honeymoon period…you see it as love making

·      He emotionally abuses you…makes you believe no one else wants you and that you disserve his mistreatment and maltreatment

·      He withholds finances from you, including credit cards, rendering you incapable of effectively managing the household expenses

·      He makes you believe you have no voice…nothing to say and no one wants to hear you…you have too much mouth/lip

·      He makes you believe that you need to ‘remember your place’

·      He makes you believe you can’t spend time with male or female friends

·      He isolates you from family members and friends by making you feel guilty

·      He curses and yells at you and makes you believe it’s okay

·      You are made to believe that you are not capable of choosing your clothes or freely going about your day without having to give him a minute by minute, hour by hour, or day by day account of your location; making you believe he is showing you love

·      You do as he says and he does what he wants to do; what is good for the goose is NOT good for the gander

·      He is very critical of you; finds fault in everything you do

·      He lies to you and dares you to question him

·      He blames you for his behaviors and all of his problems and shortcomings

·      His seeming acts of jealousy are control mechanisms

·      He is a ‘POWER STRIPPER’

We many times wonder why a woman stays in situations of abuse and violence.  She often believes that she doesn’t have a choice in the matter and that she has nowhere to go.  Also, during the cycle of abuse and violence, the perpetrator will apologize for his behaviors, use sex as a way to show that he is sorry, giving you a false sense of security.  These acts of false affection are called honeymoon periods.  The honeymoon period is another control tactic put forth by the perpetrator to continue the cycle of control, abuse and violence against you.

The way you start a situation is the way it will end. Also, remember, you can’t make a situation a relationship, you can’t control anyone, and you can’t make someone love you who doesn’t know how to love himself or anyone else. And then there are many of you who are afraid to make changes because you cannot see any farther than your current abusive situation. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the sunshine always comes after the rain. THERE IS A WAY OUT! You must have the will to get out!

You must stop seeing yourself as a victim. Turn in your ‘victim’ membership card and start saying today, ‘I AM A SURVIVOR.’  GET THE HELL OUT WHILE YOU CAN!

It is imperative that as an abused woman, you seek help in order for you to break the cycle of abuse and domestic violence by speaking with a trusted family member or friend regarding your mistreatment and maltreatment by your abuser.  Seeking a battered women’s shelter in your town, a professional psychotherapist, or contacting the national abuse/domestic violence hotline are always options.

As abused and battered women, you need to know that there is a way out of your negative situation and that you were born to grow, blossom, and contribute favorably to society.  You don’t have to relinquish your control to anyone!  As a matter of fact, YOU DO have a choice in the matter!! Take it!!!

What Happens With the Noose is Up to You: You Control Your Destiny

It was the late sixties and I was caught in one of the most difficult times of my life…forced busing and integration that has never really taken place. I distinctively remember my classes. I was moved from first chair clarinet to third chair at the newly configured, so-called “mixed school.” African-American students were treated as if we were from third world countries; holding our hands up with the right answer, only to be shot down by Ms. Habick (Blond-haired, blue-eyed English teacher) who would rather call on a White student with the wrong answer, before calling on me, an African-American with the right answer.

Amazingly, we had our hands up back then, hoping to be recognized with a correct response and not shot down with rejection, avoidance, and disrespect. Here we are in the year 2014, fifty-years post Civil Rights Movement, and African-Americans, Caucasians, Hispanics, and others, are still marching in Ferguson, Missouri and other cities, with their hands up, asking not to be shot with bullets, pepper sprayed, gassed, or the use of other weapons “of mass destruction,” to silence and control the voices of the people, pleading for their lives….

Unfortunately, there are still many Americans who are stuck in the throws of seeing differences in others, rather than similarities; discriminating against others, rather than respecting them; and showing inferior treatment towards others, rather than accepting them unconditionally. Recently, Ferguson, Missouri was thrust into the limelight as the cover of racism and discrimination were pulled from over them, when an African-American teen, Michael Brown was murdered, by a White police officer. Sadly, there are too many cities in America that are analogous to Ferguson. As a result of Michael Brown’s murder, decades of unfair treatment of people of color have been brought to light in Ferguson and around the country. Many African-Americans seemed shocked and surprised that much of what was happening in the sixties to people of color, is still happening in 2014. 

However, as African-Americans, there should be no surprises. Too many of us have become complacent, believing that if some of us have arrived, all of us have arrived.  We have forgotten to remember our history. Too many of us believe that THEY will change. We are so busy looking for change to for us to come from others, that we have forgotten who is in in our mirrors looking back at us each and every day. It is time for African-Americans to realize that we are in control of our own destinies and that ‘PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!’ Until they change their hearts and change their mindsets, people of color and people who look different from others will remain an after thought, if a thought at all.

As African-Americans, we must come to change our mindsets about US; change our perceptions of OURSELVES as a people. We must begin to prioritize what is important, recognizing that until ALL OF US  have arrived, NONE OF US has arrived. We must stop looking for THEM  to make the changes and make the necessary changes OURSELVES. If others see us as unworthy and we begin to see ourselves and continue to treat ourselves the same, we can’t expect others to change their perceptions about us; it takes US to make the changes in how we see ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and how we treat each other as African-Americans.

As African-Americans, when we think about racism, we see 1967, not realizing that it was only yesterday. Unfortunately, too many of us have been given a false sense of security and made to believe that society and the system see African-Americans as equal to the majority. The problem is, too many see African-Americans as being equal only to other African-Americans; we all look the same.

We have worn our rose-colored sunglasses for too long. We have been fooled by the mammoth-sized houses that can be taken from us at any time, the jobs that others don’t believe we are qualified to hold or have a right to hold, the education many NEVER believed we deserved to achieve and still are not respected for achieving, and the cars that we are allowed to purchase, but still not owned.

As African-Americans, until we wake up and see that 1967 exists in 2014, we will continue to walk around with heavy hearts, our heads in a tail spin of confusion, our minds clouded with doubt, and our very rights to equality and our beliefs about who we are will not only be continuously questioned, but taken away. The day we open our eyes and see that the murders of our African-American boys and African-American men are the extensions of the lynchings that took place prior to and during the Civil Rights Movement, we will NEVER see things change for the better for African-Americans in our lifetime. The visible chains and shackles have been removed from our hands, our feet, and our necks. However, we have allowed the system to replace the visible chains and shackles with invisible, more powerful chains and shackles by binding our minds, our hearts, and our thoughts, keeping us focused on material things that are dangled in front of us, keeping us in slavery, believing that our greatest and worst enemy is each other.

Until we wake up and see that the modern day lynchings of African-Americans are now in the form of low or no education, guns and other weapons that we tend to use on each other, drugs, sexual exploitations, self-abuse and disrespect, black on black crime, and material things we don’t need (high priced sneakers, purses, and other things we use to define ourselves) which are all forms of genocide, intentionally and systematically put in place, we will continue to see replays of Emmitt Till, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, Martin Luther King, Jr., Amadou Diallo, Eric Bell, Trayvon Martin, Jordan Davis, Eric Garner, Michael Brown, and the thousands of other African-American males who have died because they were seen as ‘three-fifths of a man,’ and as threats to others. It is known that for every African-American male who’s jailed, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually murdered, the African-American population is being drastically diminished.

We sat back and allowed prayer to be taken out of our schools, while the devil was invited in. We ask our children what we want them to do, instead of telling them and guiding them to what they need to do. We have thrown discipline out the window, and our children have CHOICES about church and school.  Too many of us accept substandard treatment from the post office to the neighborhood stores in our communities. Our churches have become big businesses at the expense of the people who show up to worship, looking for hope and a way out, while the heads, hands, and pockets of the church leaders keep expanding, and hands and pockets of the body (the people) keep shrinking. And too many of us abate our rights to make our voices heard in the voting booths of America. As Malcolm X once stated many years ago, and it still holds true today, ‘we have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and thrown amuck.” Wake up black folk…racism still exists!!! We are the only ones who can control our destiny and what Happens with the noose is up to YOU and US!

Sadly, when people such as Bill Cosby speak the truth about US as African-Americans and our seeming lack of responsibility and accountability in modern day times, because we seem to be so busy chasing dollars, we get ‘mad’ and become offended. We are constantly looking for ‘A LEADER’ to emerge among us. Look in the mirror!!! The leader is standing in front of you and resides inside of you! What are you willing to do to take on a leadership role to help address the many problems still facing us as African-Americans?

A major issue is the haves believing that they are entitled to having and keeping all that they have, at the expense of the have not's. And the have not's are desperately looking to others (too often to the haves) to help them to reach their destiny in life and gain equality. It is past time for the have not's to recognize that as long as you are waiting for someone else to fix what's wrong within and around your life, or for the haves to take responsibility and become accountable for how they have treated you because of your racial and/or cultural background, you will still not have the justice afforded you under the constitution of the United States.  You must take a stand to claim and/or reclaim you position with yourself, with your family, and then with and within society, but with pride and without destruction.

It is imperative that As African-Americans, you must reach out to each other, hold each other accountable, take back your neighborhoods, take back your schools, TAKE BACK YOUR HOMES, YOUR CHILDREN,  AND YOUR FAMILIES!!! However, we must also rid ourselves of the ‘crab in the barrel’ mentality that we seem to have adopted in the past few decades. If ten of you can each pass the message to ten others, look at how powerful the message then becomes. If each one reaches one and teaches one, you will have accomplished quite a bit. One of the greatest problems that have plagued us as African-Americans, is that we tend to forget each other as we gain information, gain understanding, as we grow financially, grow in prominence, gain positions, and gain power. In the words of Frankie Beverly and Maze, “We are ONE!”  The group goes on to say, “…Can’t understand why we treat each other this way.” So you must ask yourself, why do you/we treat each other the way we do?

As African-Americans, I challenge you to form coalitions and not continue the competitions in order to do the following:

·      Define the PURPOSE as a people

·      Identify PRIORITIES needed to help fix the plethora of issues

·      Discuss and identify the POSSIBILITIES

·      Don’t be afraid to see the POTENTIAL

·      Develop a PLAN

·      Make PREPARATION to implement the PLAN

·      Gather together to engage in corporate PRAYER

YOU ARE YOUR BROTHERS’/SISTERS’ KEEPER! YOU not only determine what happens with the noose, YOU control YOUR destiny as an individual and as a people. Stop looking on the outside to fix what’s wrong on the inside! YOU have to be the change YOU want to see!!

Abuse in Relationships Shows Your Weakness; Not Your Strength: Man Up & Woman U

More and more, violence and abuse against women are occurring at an alarming rate in the United States. According to the CDC, one out of three women is abused in domestic relationships and one out of ten men are abused. Whatever the figures, abuse is NEVER okay in any relationship!

 You have probably heard quite a bit about the admitted abuse by Ray Rice, NFL running back for the Baltimore Ravens, against his then fiancée, Janay Palmer. Sadly and unfortunately, many people (including a preponderance of men) believe that the abuse lodged by Ray against Janay was right, appropriate, and ‘the way men should treat women who don’t know when to keep their mouths shut,’ or women who  ‘can’t be controlled.’ Ironically, the NFL seems to agree with these supporters of abuse and violence against  women by men, with their meager two game suspension of Ray.

The negative comments made about African-American women in response to Janay’s abuse by Ray have been even more distasteful and downright disgusting. To add insult to injury, African-American men whose mothers and sisters are African-American, have made many of these disparaging comments.

There should be no situation that warrants any type of violence or abuse against another. If the relationship is not in your best interest or it becomes toxic, you must recognize that you have a choice and you have options. If you are being abused, you can choose to continue to drink from the abuse bottle with the skull and crossbones, or you can demand changes in how you are being treated. And if you are not being treated the way you believe you should be treated, like the human being, man or woman that you are…you have options, and one of the options is to end the relationship or situation.

Women, the longer you stay in an abusive situation, the weaker you become. Staying stuck in the mud of abuse does not make your relationship stronger. All you are doing is enabling your abuser and engaging in codependent behaviors with him.

It’s time for you to stop blaming yourself for being abused and stop making excuses for his abusive behaviors. ‘I should have been quiet’; ‘I made him angry’; ‘it’s all my fault’; ‘he was drinking’; ‘the kids were making too much noise’; ‘I made him do it.’ You are in denial…Don’t Even kNow It’s All A Lie! You want him to man up? WHY DON’T YOU WOMAN UP and stop participating in the madness and cancel your membership in the club of insanity! He won’t and he doesn’t love you any more because you are his punching bag, physically, verbally, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t love you at all; if he ever did!

Men, it is time for you to take a stand against abuse of any kind, especially abuse against women. Just as there were men (and a few women) who condoned Ray Rice’s abuse of Janay, there were many men who condemned his behavior. I commend you! To those men who stood or stand against abuse and domestic violence against women, kudos to you. Always remember, your mother was/is a woman. When you show disrespect and hatred toward the woman you sleep with, you are showing an extension of disrespect and hatred to and for the woman who carried you for nine months and made the decision to bring you into this world. Even if she did not rear you, she gave you life. Either way, whatever happened between you and your mother, it’s not your mate’s fault or her responsibility to take the blame for or to try to fix the situation. Get some professional help and get over it!

Abuse has been used as a form of control for too long. When you come to realize that the only person you have control over is yourself, you will stop trying to control others. And not having things go your way in your relationship doesn’t give you permission or the right to abuse your mate in any way. Being a man of physical strength doesn’t make you stronger when you abuse women. As a matter of fact, as an abuser, you display your weaknesses. Here is your opportunity to STAND UP AND MAN UP! Stop the violence and stop abusing your mate and other women! And if you are not an abuser, take a stand against abuse by calling your boys our when they engage in abusive behaviors. Let them see how big you truly are. Model for the abuser what being strong is rally like!

To the women who raise your hands against your mates, and hurt with your words, because you feel emotionally bankrupt and don’t believe you can harm with your hands (which is not an option), there is no right in your wrong actions and violence and abuse have never healed hurt or mended a broken heart. Self-love is the start and love toward others is the next step. When you come to love yourself, you will see that you don’t have to fight in order to be loved. Love attracts love! Hurt people hurt!

As men and women, you must come to recognize that hands are made for holding and helping; they were never made for hitting or hurting! Further, if you expect dignity ad respect from your children, it is time for you to model these characteristics for them. Abuse and violence are learned behaviors, especially against women. You can then throw out the old adage, ‘do as I say and not as I do.’ You should be congruent in what you say and what you do…stop trying to control your mate and others with your abuse and violence. Don’t be afraid to speak out against such destructive behaviors!

Doormats are made for walking on…NOT PEOPLE. Light switches are made for flicking on and off…NOT PEOPLE. Doorknobs are made for turning…NOT PEOPLE. Drums are made for beating on…NOT PEOPLE! Clearly, if you are an abuser or you use violence to control your relationships, you have much deeper problems than you know or are willing to admit! If you are constantly submitting yourself to abuse, as a man or woman, you also have deep problems within yourself. For both the abuser and the abused, self-esteem is a serious issue, but it is never an excuse for abuse, as a giver or receiver!

Recognize that there are many forms of abuse. Here is your opportunity to become aware of them, gain insight about them, understand them, and take a stand against them!

·      Domestic abuse/violence—Abuse and violence committed against your mate in order for you to control him/her. More often than not, domestic abuse/violence is committed by men against women and children. Domestic violence usually encompasses all of the abuses below, but focuses more on physical abuse. It occurs in cycles. He beats the hell out of you and then he wants to have sex, after he has beaten you, cursed you, called you names, and given you a false apology, cried, begged for your forgiveness, and made you believe everything is alright…until the next time; the next out break of abuse. During domestic abuse/violence, more women are killed by physical violence, including guns.   

·      Economic abuse--Stripping your mate of financial means for her to effectively care for herself and the children. Withholding credit cards, taking money from bank accounts to deny her access; forcing her and the children out of the home, especially after a divorce; depriving your mate of the basic needs for daily survival, causing her to struggle to stay afloat and to get ahead in life through financial and material means and needs

·      Emotional abuse—Saying or doing things to and/or against your mate, which affect his/her mood; it’s tugging at his/her heart, bringing sadness and tears; deflating him/her, causing low emotions, depressed moods, stress, and distraught. Usually coupled with other forms of abuse, physical, verbal, spiritual, etc.

     Financial abuse—Withholding money in order to deflate and/or control your mate and cause dependency on you for survival. Forcing your mate to give you money or forcibly taking money from your mate, rending her financially impaired or devastated.

·     Physical abuse—Violence and abuse on your mate’s body by beating, hitting, shoving, slapping, cutting, scratching, or any other form of physical harm. This harm can be done with your hand, fist, or other material instruments or weapons.

·     Psychological abuse—Affecting the mind of your mate through physical, emotional, spiritual, and other forms of abuse. Your mate begins to believe she is ‘going crazy,’ with erratic thinking, confusion, forgetfulness, distress, etc.

·      Social abuse—Using verbal, physical and/or spiritual forms of abuse to embarrass your mate in front of others, in public, or through social media; denigrating her in public; putting her down in front of others, especially at parties or other social engagements.

·    Spiritual abuse—Using the Bible and spiritual approaches to control your mate. Making him/her believe that he/she is headed for damnation; quoting scriptures to embarrass your mate, embarrassing in front of church members, having a Bible in your hands while having horns on your head and a tail sticking out of your behind. Making yourself seem self-righteous, while condemning your mate.  Using your spiritual leader to ‘tell on your mate.’

·      Verbal abuse—Using your words to hurt your mate; entails name-calling, yelling & screaming, cursing, abusive language, denigrating, and embarrassing in front of others with words; using put downs, deflating your mate as you inflate yourself. Public humiliation and ridicule with your words; can also be done by phone, emails, or other forms of social media.

For your sake and the sake of your children, remember, abuse and violence kills! Women, if there is a way in, there is always a way out…you must be ready to see it. You also must begin to love yourself, accept yourself, and above all respect yourself. And don’t be afraid to get therapy to help yourself. When the situation is too rough and too toxic, don’t feel embarrassed about the abuse, reach out to family and friends to help you to get out of the situation. If you don’t see a door, find a window!

Never stay in an abusive and violent relationship ‘for the children.’ This is an unhealthy situation. Your children are better off in a healthy home with one parent, rather than in an unhealthy house with two parents; one abusive and violent and the other afraid. Men, you are more likely to kill your mate, your children, other family members, and yourself, in order to control and seek revenge, or because you believe you have lost control somewhere along the way. And guess what? You blame everyone except you for your problems, especially your mate and your children!  Just leave; everyone deserves to live. It’s okay for you to get some help to deal with your pain!

Women, you are more likely to kill yourself and sometimes your children in order to escape the control, the abuse, and the violence, and the pain. You see no way out  and you have often lost hope and been isolated from family and friends. There is hope, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Run…and run as fast as you can to save yourself and your children. Get some professional help for you and your children. Abused children can become adult abusers.

WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!! You can live with someone and still not truly know him/her. It is better to live with embarrassment than it is to not live at all!! There is help for you!

Resources:

Morley & Associate, Inc.-Individual, marriage, and family psychotherapy. 770-808-657o; www.doctorjoyce.com

The Women’s Resource Center Crisis Line--404-688-9436 The Center reads the names of women in Georgia  who have died since 1990 due to domestic violence during domestic violence month in October, in the Decatur Square

Men Stopping Violence—404-270-9894 Program for men engaged in domestic abuse and violence.

National Domestic Violence Hotline—1-800-79-SAFE (1-800-797-7233—1-800-787-3224-TTY)