Ensuring Healthy Family Gatherings: Helping In-Laws & Mothers-In-Law Recognize Their Place

Holidays are generally a time to encourage family gatherings and family celebrations. Family doesn’t just mean those connected by the same bloodline, but also includes those who are related by marriage and some not related at all, except by a fondness for each other. Those related by marriage are considered in-laws, and they include the parents and siblings of each spouse.

Now, just because there is a marital connection that extends the meaning of family to include in-laws, it doesn’t mean that the in-laws either feel included, want to be included, or accept the inclusion of their son, daughter, brother, or sister’s spouse. They rebel against their son, daughter, brother, or sister’s marriage, because they could not control his or her choice in a spouse. On the other hand, you, as a spouse, might feel the same way about your in-laws as they feel about you. And clearly, there is no bond, especially during family gatherings and holiday celebrations.

As an addition to your spouse’s family, these rebellious in-laws make it difficult for you to feel respected and included in the family. As a result, instead of being viewed as in-laws, you can probably call them ‘outlaws.’ They would feel better about you being out of the family, rather than being in the family. They often fight vehemently to deny your role as the spouse of their loved one. As a matter of fact, family gatherings and family celebrations often include these in-laws, as well as the ‘outlaws.’

The title you choose for your spouse’s family depends on whether you see them as in-laws or ‘outlaws,’ based on how you believe you have been treated or how you are currently being treated by them. In all actuality, you will have the in-laws, and you can’t stop those who decide to play the role of ‘outlaws’; they just don’t like you and didn’t or don’t want you in their family! However, how you handle them and how they handle you mostly depends on where you are with being comfortable with you.

I know that many of you have experienced the above ‘outlaw’ behaviors, especially from your mother-in-law and sister-in-law. This rebellion can and possibly has wreaked havoc on you, as the unwanted spouse. The rejection is heightened during family gatherings and holiday celebrations. With the push back and rebellion from your in-laws, you are now faced with making a decision as to whether you and your spouse will attend family events or not. You and your spouse will also have to decide whether or not to invite your in-laws to attend your events.

The Labor Day holiday is generally seen as the last holiday of the summer season, allowing families to gather inside and outside. For many of you, Labor Day is often the last time for your family to engage in the great cookout, which often leads to a great fallout. Any time there is a gathering of people, especially among family members, there will probably be issues and drama. But, even more so, family gatherings with your in-laws can have issues and drama of mass proportion.

Although you all are gathering as a family, there is often competition, resentment, animosity, and other unresolved in-law issues. But, you must deicide if it is you, or is it your in-laws with the problem or causing the problem? Finger pointing seems easy, while taking responsibility for your behaviors can make your life and everyone else’s life even easier. If you are the in-law, it is time for you to get over the fact that you could not control whom your loved one married. Find your place, and stay in it!

When you marry into a family, it is important to recognize and remember that you did not marry your spouse’s family, nor did his/her family marry you! However, there is one in-law that you will probably have to deal with, or decide not to deal with, more so than any of your in-laws. This person is your mother-in-law. This woman is usually closer to your spouse, next in line to you. As a matter of fact, she can either make or break your marriage and she can also set the tone of family gatherings and family celebrations.

As with all families, there is a hierarchy when it comes to in-laws. Mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law are seen as the matriarch and the patriarch, not only in their own families, but also to the son-in-law or daughter-in-law who has entered their family. However, because many mothers-in-law did not want their son to marry the woman he married, or she did not want her daughter to marry the man she married, there can be friction between the families.

Mothers-in-law, especially, have the power and the authority to not only direct or redirect the condition and health of their own families, they also have the power and the authority to direct or redirect the treatment of their sons-in-law and daughters-in-law; not only during family gatherings and family celebrations, but also on a daily basis. As a mother-in-law, it is time for you to get over the fact that your son or daughter is married. As a matter of fact, you did not lose him/her. In a sense, you gained another child.

As a spouse, you must assess your relationship with your in-laws; especially your mother-in-law or future mother-in-law. Mothers-in-law must also assess their role, behaviors, and attitudes, and relationships with their sons-in-law and daughters-in-law. Ultimately, the survival of your marriage depends on you and your spouse; but your mother-in-law does have some power and authority. How much will you give her?

In order to ensure that the family, including in-laws is healthy, allowing for healthy family gatherings, healthy celebrations, and healthy family relations,  mothers-in-law must finally come to recognize the power that they have in bringing and keeping their family together, while accepting and respecting their sons-in-law and daughters-in-law. However, in order for mothers-in-law to exert the positive aspects of their power and authority, when right, you, as a spouse, must also be willing to take a stand and a stance for your spouse, and not allow your in-laws to disrespect him/her.

There should never have to be a choice between your wife and your mother! There are too many things that your wife can do for you that your mother can’t do, and your wife most certainly should not want to be your mother! Both spouses must come to recognize the type of mother-in-law you are dealing with. At the same time, mothers-in-law must also come to recognize the type of mother-in-law they are, while recognizing their place in the lives of their sons and daughters.

And women, you must also take a stand and a stance for your spouse, when right. At the same time, as long as your mother-in-law is not disrespecting you or encroaching on your marriage, you have no reason to be jealous of her, belligerent with her, or try to interfere with or prohibit the relationship between your husband and your mother-in-law. If there is conflict, each spouse is charged with dealing with his or her own mother. Just as mothers-in-law have a place that they need to stay in when it comes to dealing with their sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, so, too, do sons-in-law and daughters-in-law have a place they must stay in when it comes to dealing with their in-laws.

Listed below are characteristics of the top five mothers-in-law to be aware of, as a spouse and as a mother-in-law. You can decide if your mother-in-law fits one or more of the identified characteristics of the top five mothers-in-law listed below. And mothers-in-law you can decide which of the top five identified types fit you. Knowing where you fit can possibly help your family to truly come together, instead of falling apart at the next family gathering or family celebration! Instead of the fallout, you, your spouse, your family, and your in-laws can enjoy the greatest cookout ever! Mothers-in-law, it is time for you to affirm that it’s all about family, including your son and his wife (your daughter –in-law), or your daughter and her husband (your son-in-law). It’s no longer all about you, just because you are Mama! From now on, ALL in-laws matter, and it’s up, up, and away with the outlaws! 

Here are five types of mothers-in-law to be aware of:

1.     You are marrying my only son/daughter mother-in-law: As this mother-in-law, you are generally clinging to your son/daughter, especially after he/she has married. And if your only child is a son, or he is your only son among other children, you are really determined that you don’t want any other woman to have your son but you; none of them are good enough for him. You constantly find fault with your daughter-in-law, putting you son in a precarious position. You interfere on a daily basis, finding a reason for you to have to call him, as well as finding ways for him to have to keep putting you first. You forgot about the ‘leave and cleave’ that is stated in the Bible. Your son is supposed to leave you and cleave to his wife, not to his mother!

2.     My son/daughter is always right mother-in-law:  This type of mother-in-law doesn’t see beyond her son or daughter. No matter how wrong her son/daughter is, this mother-n-law will stand for his/her wrong, especially against his/her spouse. She won’t encourage or stand for what’s right, because her son/daughter is never wrong. She might not push for a man to marry her daughter if her daughter has nothing going for her. However, as my mother used to say, ‘a mother always wants a woman to take her no-good son.’ No matter how wrong her son is, she believes some woman should take him off her hands. After all, she has taken care of her son and raised her daughter, and she wants to continue taking care of him after he is married. . He is her son, and he is never wrong!

3.     I can’t/won’t mind my own business mother-in-law: This mother-in-law has major difficulty minding her own business, especially if her only son or only child gets married. She just doesn’t seem to be able to help herself. She finds a war out of no way to get involved in the business of her son/daughter and his/her spouse. There is no such thing as ‘leaving and cleaving.’ Especially if her only son or only child gets married. She often feels abandoned and lonely after the marriage. And she often does not have a life of her own. As a matter of fact, she doesn't want one!  It seems more devious for her to keep meddling in the life of her son/daughter, and she blames his/her spouse for taking her son/daughter away from her. This mother-in-law is often miserable and can be vindictive.

4.     I’m not in it mother-in-law: This mother-in-law just wants to remain neutral. She doesn’t want to take a side, one way or the other. Her philosophy is, ‘you married him/her, whatever is going on is between the two of you.’ As a matter of fact, she further believes, ‘I didn’t tell you to marry him/her in the first place; this was your choice, now deal with it!’ It is sometimes difficult to decipher if this type of mother-in-law genuinely wants to remain neutral, or if she is trying to punish her son/daughter for marrying someone she did not approve/

5.     I want to be fair with my son/daughter-in-law mother-in-law: This mother-in-law is one of the ideal mothers-in-law, and there are many of them. She will stand for what’s right and not what’s wrong, even if her son/daughter is in the wrong. She is impartial and doesn’t take sides. She will uphold the right of her son-in-law or daughter-in-law in the presence and the absence of her son or daughter. She treats her son-in-aw or daughter-in-law as if he/she was her biological child; the same way she wants her son or daughter to be treated by others. This mother-in-law is more spiritually connected and is willing to go beyond the call of duty to keep her son or daughter married, without interfering (unless absolutely necessary, such as in cases of abuse).

In-laws, mothers-in law, fathers-in-law, sons-in-law, and daughters-in-law must all remember their place…to love and respect each other, and to respect and accept the choices made by each, while enjoying healthy family gatherings and fostering healthy family relations.

©2016; J. Morley Productions, Inc. P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right: Either You Stand for Something or You Will Fall for ANYTHING!

All too often within our communities and within our neighborhoods, we have gotten away from the essence of being neighborly, sharing, and caring. There is so much going on around us, to the point that trust has become the exception, rather than the rule. Anything seems to go at anytime.

Things around you seem so convoluted that I am sure that many times you don’t know which way to turn, whom to believe or what to believe. And the lies; they too, seem to have become the norm rather than the exception. The sad part about it is that people believe they can tell you anything and you are supposed to believe it. They believe they can piss on your head and tell you it’s raining! As a matter of fact, you have to realize that a lie doesn’t care who tells it.

We are living in very tumultuous times. Each and everyday you awaken to the news of one tragedy after another. People treat you inferiorly on a daily basis. You are constantly being judged by your race, your religion, your sexual orientation, your income, your social status, where you live, what you drive, and anything else the system can find in order to hold you back. Politics is so thick in your place of worship, on your job, in the educational system, in your neighborhood, and in places you probably would never imagine. Educational an organizational funds designated for helping children, families, and the poor are being negotiated and misappropriated; corruption has become an expectation; crime is at an all time high; police are killing African-American males without provocation or cause, at will; Black-on-Black crime has risen to mass proportion; innocent police officers have become the target of the rage and frustration of everyday citizens; there are stories of kickbacks and kick ups, while nonprofits are making more hidden profits than for profit organizations. And where is the money? The NRA, along with many Republicans have closed heir eyes to the need for gun control, and our president of the free world, President Barack Obama is disrespected by congress and many others in the Republican community. And what do you say about any of this? What have you done about any of this?

There is no accountability, and too often, the wrong person gets the top leadership position, holding you and others like you down, holding you back, throwing up road blocks and other barriers, while sometimes cutting you completely out of the picture. You see these issues playing out live, right before your eyes, but what are you doing about them? You probably talk about these issues in secret, but how often do you speak out about them and against with others or in a public forum? As a matter of fact, have you thought about what you can do about these situations and what are you willing to do about them?!

The aforementioned issues are games being played and ideals being perpetrated by those in powerful positions (not all powerful people, but too many), at your expense and at the expense of others. The problem is that you have not been afforded the rules of the games or updated when the rules change. Even more so than ever, it has much more to do with who you know, rather than what you know! Trust is more of a joke than a reality! Yes, you are right! It’s just what you have been thinking; IT’S A RACKET…at your expense and at the expense of others!

The good news is, all hope is not lost! There is some great news about the bad news! If there was a way into a situation, there has to be a way out of the situation. And if you don’t see a way, it is time for you to make a way! You have the ability to deal with the bad news and the bad deeds that you see, that you hear, and that you read about on a daily basis. There is something that can be done about most of the negativity. It starts with you!

How often are you aware of the inequities taking place around you and sometimes with you? How often are you a witness to improprieties, the incompetence, the negative treatment of others, the abuse, the misuse of people, the corporate and public misuse and mishandling of funds, the nepotism, the poor customer service, the increased domestic situations, the increased theft, the infiltration of drugs into our communities (which is nothing new), etc.? Not only are you aware of what’s going on, how often do you stand by saying absolutely NOTHING, while doing absolutely NOTHING about what’s going on?  

Am I talking about you, am I talking to you? Yes I AM! Marvin Gaye asked the question “What’s Going On” in his 1971 song. The sad issue is that forty-five years later, we are still asking the same question…what IS going on?

You can break through the racket. You can reverse much of the maltreatment and mistreatment of others. You can stop the pilfering of funds from your educational institutions and other systems, as you eradicate racism, sexism and the other isms from our society, while returning your communities to one of safety and respect. You are probably asking me, ‘how can I do this Dr. Joyce?’ And my reply to your question is, BY TAKING A STAND!! Too often, we sit idly by, watching stuff happen, without saying anything and most of all, without doing anything. Either you stand for something, or you will fall for anything!

Taking a stand has more to do with you accepting you as well you taking responsibility for being you. And if you don’t know who you are and what it takes to just be you, you have a problem. In all actuality, there is no way that you can stand for what’s right without being knocked down and rolled over, unless you are confident in who you are. This confidence encompasses your belief in and for what’s right, who’s right, and not backing down, compromising, or standing with and for those who are wrong, as well as what is wrong. Remember, two wrongs don’t and won’t make a right!

Not taking stand for what and who is right can only indicate you falling for what’s wrong, allowing you to fall for any and everything, completely out of the realm of truth that you have been taught and the truth that has guided your belief system. At some point, it becomes difficult and almost impossible for you to keep walking in and standing on the footprints of others. These footprints are probably too small or too large for you to fit. However, as long as you keep sitting with blinders on, watching your girlfriend be plummeted mentally, physically, and emotionally by her mate, while turning your head, closing your eyes, and keeping your mouth shut, you are standing in and on the footprints of the perpetrator. In other words, you are just as guilty! If he is wrong and you say nothing, that means both of you are wrong, and there is no right until you take a stand and make it right!

Yes, it’s good to have e job. You are no different from anyone else; everyone needs to make money. But how much of you are you willing to compromise in order to get and keep a job? Whose head are you willing to step on or stand on in order to keep you job or position? How many lies and how many dastardly deeds are you willing to engage in, in order for you to climb the ladder of nowhere, believing that you are going somewhere, at the expense of others? And how long will you sit idly by, completely aware that your colleague has been mistreated, maltreated, and done completely wrong? But, you are willing to sit, not stand, and keep your mouth shut. As a matter of fact, you have sometimes been a part of the equation to do someone else in, not recognizing that if your colleague, your friend, or family member is done wrong, who do you think will be next? That hole that you helped to dig for someone else will often fit two. If he/she was taken down today, there is always the take down for you tomorrow. Either you stand for something or you will keep falling for anything, at your expense and the expense of others.

One of the reasons that you might not take a stand, even when you see the truth and behold the truth, has much to do with your own insecurity, your low self-esteem, and your fear of not belonging. The truth of the matter is, when you believe you have to compromise your beliefs and your values, falling for hose things, those circumstances, and those people who are causing you or forcing you to reframe your reality, you will live a lie, tell a lie, and become a lie, falling for anything.

No matter how you try to fit, no matter how much you seek prestige, power, and position, while trying to be political, until you find the truth, recognize the truth, see the truth, accept the truth, stand on the truth, and stand for the truth, you will keep falling for lies and being disingenuous. You might believe that you are fitting in with others by closing your eyes, your ears, your mind, your heart, and your mouth, and sometimes selling your soul to the truth, but once you are used up, you will be put out! Sadly, the same people you met on your way to the top, you will have to meet them in a completely different vein during your fall to the bottom.

And what are you afraid of by taking a stand for what and who is right; that you won’t belong any more or that you will be ostracized, put out of the group, not be politically correct? The bottom line is and the truth is, you never really fit and you never did belong in the first place. As a matter of fact, you have been perpetrating a fraud of fitting and belonging. The people you thought you were fitting with were only misusing you and others, to keep what they have and to continue to rise to their own heights. As they move on, you will be moved down or aside. It’s time for you to take a stand!

Anytime you are perpetrating frauds, you are holding onto untruths, standing by and standing for situations and people that are not for or indicative of who you are, as well as people that are not standing for your good, nor for the good of others as a whole, you truly have a problem! But, you can correct your problem, starting today!

It is time for you to release your fears, recognizing that you ARE your brother’s keeper and you ARE your sister’s keeper. It is time for you to accept the fact that your ability to help others to recognize their inner freedom and inner peace is predicated on their willingness to work tirelessly to take a stand to return their communities to a place of love, hope, faith, and compassion, instead of fear, despair, anguish, helplessness, and hopelessness.

As you recognize that you have a chance to improve any and all situations of your life and in the lives of others, and the fact that you have choices in life by using your voice, you will move past seeing yourself as a snitch and not be afraid to make your pitch for truth and righteousness! It is also essential that you do not allow yourself to become bamboozled by the political wrangling and fears being put forth by some of our political candidates, who disrespect, annihilate, and humiliate others, because of their differences and statuses. Your vote is your voice and your stand. You must be willing to take a stand for something or someone, or fall for anything! If you have to stand alone for what you KNOW is right, it’s okay! It’s better to stand-alone for what and who is right, rather than fall in line with and for others who are wrong! Two wrings DON’T make a right!

©2016; J. Morley Productions, Inc, P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Love is the Action Necessary for a Freedom-Centered Mindset

Every July 4^th in America, we celebrate the adoption of the Declaration of Independence, which took place on July 4, 1776. However, although we celebrate our independence as a country, with the threats and the influx of violence and other harm this country has faced, I know that many of you don’t truly feel free. What you might not realize is that you can have independence, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are free.

Independence is a state of being on your own. It is gained through some form of physical action you or someone else has taken on your behalf. Whereas, freedom is a mindset gained through your action of self-love. It is perceived that freedom ensures safety. When you are free to love you, you have created an inner and outer layer of safety, protecting yourself from the external threats put forth by others who can’t and won’t love you like you love yourself. You can celebrate your independence, but the question is, are you free?

Freedom is not just a physical state; it is also a spiritual and emotional state. It is a mindset that doesn’t start with the Declaration of Independence. Freedom starts with how you see and feel about you.  No matter how independent you are, until you love yourself unconditionally, you will not be free. As a matter of fact, love is freedom and the more you love you, the freer you will become.

Too often, many of you see love as a word to use loosely, in order to gain or maintain control over others. In all actuality, because love is an emotion, it is action. It takes the action of love for you to freely release the things, the people, the situations, and the circumstances that have encumbered you and rendered you helpless and hopeless. When you love you, you allow yourself to rise above whatever or whoever seems to block your growth and success. 

When you truly love you, you are free of anger, bitterness, guilt, shame, malice, lack of forgiveness, animosity, depression, anxiety, and many other self-defeating emotions. Self-love allows independence to become your reality. It is recognized in your walk, in your talk, in the way you dress, in the people you associate with, as well as the boundaries you set with others, for an in your life.

In order for you to celebrate your personal independence and freedom on Independence Day, it is imperative that you begin to assess where you are with loving you. In order for you to engage in your assessment of love for yourself, you must first define love; not from the perspective of others, but from your inner perspective, entailing the deep and passionate feeling that you have for you, as well as the deep and passionate feeling that you seek from others. As a result, you will come to discover what and how the powerful emotion of love can allow you to accept you and to be you, while at the same time, accepting others and allowing them to be themselves.

If you are still holding onto the hurt, the pain, and the disappointments of your past, it is difficult for you to have a freedom mindset. Here’s where the act of forgiveness for yourself emerges, and then forgiveness for others comes into play.  Too often, you want to work at forgiving others, while beating up on you. The bottom line is, everything starts with you and ends with you, including forgiveness.

If you awake each and every morning, or most mornings, while being a slave to negative thoughts, negative emotions, negative actions, and negative conversations, your heart is in need of a an emotional makeover. This emotional makeover helps you to cleanse and remove the toxic emotions derived from your past and sometimes present experiences. Start by letting go of your past and begin looking through the windshield of your life, as you behold your bright future ahead of you.  Only glance into the rearview mirror of your life every now and then, to ensure that you have moved past the negative things, negative people, negative situations, and negative circumstances, in order for you to move forward. During your emotional makeover, you’ll also learn to let love and positivity in, as you escort hate and negativity out. You’ll claim the assets in life ad rid yourself of the liabilities…no matter who and what they are!

As you have heard me state on many occasions, your heart is too small to carry people in it. Although your heart is not large enough for the negative stuff to abide, it is large enough for love to take up all the space it needs. Now, I am not talking pie in the sky, or some utopia, but I am talking about a state of independence, a freedom, and a peace that is totally immeasurable when you have a heart filled with love, for you and for others.

The processes of defining love, assessing where you are with your love for yourself, forgiving yourself, in preparation for forgiving others, is crucial to you moving to a place where you can rid yourself of mess and stress. And I know you sometimes don’t believe you can be without stress. However, it’s the mess that contributes to your stress. Mess prohibits and blocks love, freedom, and independence. This includes messy people, messy situations, and messy circumstances. When you let go of the mess, it is easier for you to let love in!

The more you truly and freely love you, you will recognize mess from a mile away. Mess is a threat to your level of current and future levels of equilibrium. Love uncovers mess and conquers stress! Love disrobes and pulls the cover from over the messy people, the messy situations, and the messy circumstances of your life. Love becomes the life shield for you to use to protect you from either gaining or maintaining a slave mentality, on your journey of having to a freedom mindset.

It is past time for you to use the action of love to free you and to help you to free others from the chains of negativity, allowing you and others to have a freedom-centered mindset. When you truly and freely love you, you give yourself permission to truly and freely love others.

Your independence, freedom, and safety start with the love within you, along with the love that you share with others. Love is more powerful than any hatred or any violence that can ever attack our country, our families, or other loved ones. When you love you and love others unconditionally, freedom becomes your mantra, and interdependence becomes the norm, rather than the exception. As a result, you will live by love and stand on the premise of love, no matter what; recognizing that LOVE IS!  Now that’s something to celebrate, not only on Independence Day, but three hundred and sixty-five days a year!

©2016; J.Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com