Saturday, August 6, 2016

Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right: Either You Stand for Something or You Will Fall for ANYTHING!

All too often within our communities and within our neighborhoods, we have gotten away from the essence of being neighborly, sharing, and caring. There is so much going on around us, to the point that trust has become the exception, rather than the rule. Anything seems to go at anytime.

Things around you seem so convoluted that I am sure that many times you don’t know which way to turn, whom to believe or what to believe. And the lies; they too, seem to have become the norm rather than the exception. The sad part about it is that people believe they can tell you anything and you are supposed to believe it. They believe they can piss on your head and tell you it’s raining! As a matter of fact, you have to realize that a lie doesn’t care who tells it.

We are living in very tumultuous times. Each and everyday you awaken to the news of one tragedy after another. People treat you inferiorly on a daily basis. You are constantly being judged by your race, your religion, your sexual orientation, your income, your social status, where you live, what you drive, and anything else the system can find in order to hold you back. Politics is so thick in your place of worship, on your job, in the educational system, in your neighborhood, and in places you probably would never imagine. Educational an organizational funds designated for helping children, families, and the poor are being negotiated and misappropriated; corruption has become an expectation; crime is at an all time high; police are killing African-American males without provocation or cause, at will; Black-on-Black crime has risen to mass proportion; innocent police officers have become the target of the rage and frustration of everyday citizens; there are stories of kickbacks and kick ups, while nonprofits are making more hidden profits than for profit organizations. And where is the money? The NRA, along with many Republicans have closed heir eyes to the need for gun control, and our president of the free world, President Barack Obama is disrespected by congress and many others in the Republican community. And what do you say about any of this? What have you done about any of this?

There is no accountability, and too often, the wrong person gets the top leadership position, holding you and others like you down, holding you back, throwing up road blocks and other barriers, while sometimes cutting you completely out of the picture. You see these issues playing out live, right before your eyes, but what are you doing about them? You probably talk about these issues in secret, but how often do you speak out about them and against with others or in a public forum? As a matter of fact, have you thought about what you can do about these situations and what are you willing to do about them?!

The aforementioned issues are games being played and ideals being perpetrated by those in powerful positions (not all powerful people, but too many), at your expense and at the expense of others. The problem is that you have not been afforded the rules of the games or updated when the rules change. Even more so than ever, it has much more to do with who you know, rather than what you know! Trust is more of a joke than a reality! Yes, you are right! It’s just what you have been thinking; IT’S A RACKET…at your expense and at the expense of others!

The good news is, all hope is not lost! There is some great news about the bad news! If there was a way into a situation, there has to be a way out of the situation. And if you don’t see a way, it is time for you to make a way! You have the ability to deal with the bad news and the bad deeds that you see, that you hear, and that you read about on a daily basis. There is something that can be done about most of the negativity. It starts with you!

How often are you aware of the inequities taking place around you and sometimes with you? How often are you a witness to improprieties, the incompetence, the negative treatment of others, the abuse, the misuse of people, the corporate and public misuse and mishandling of funds, the nepotism, the poor customer service, the increased domestic situations, the increased theft, the infiltration of drugs into our communities (which is nothing new), etc.? Not only are you aware of what’s going on, how often do you stand by saying absolutely NOTHING, while doing absolutely NOTHING about what’s going on?  

Am I talking about you, am I talking to you? Yes I AM! Marvin Gaye asked the question “What’s Going On” in his 1971 song. The sad issue is that forty-five years later, we are still asking the same question…what IS going on?
You can break through the racket. You can reverse much of the maltreatment and mistreatment of others. You can stop the pilfering of funds from your educational institutions and other systems, as you eradicate racism, sexism and the other isms from our society, while returning your communities to one of safety and respect. You are probably asking me, ‘how can I do this Dr. Joyce?’ And my reply to your question is, BY TAKING A STAND!! Too often, we sit idly by, watching stuff happen, without saying anything and most of all, without doing anything. Either you stand for something, or you will fall for anything!

Taking a stand has more to do with you accepting you as well you taking responsibility for being you. And if you don’t know who you are and what it takes to just be you, you have a problem. In all actuality, there is no way that you can stand for what’s right without being knocked down and rolled over, unless you are confident in who you are. This confidence encompasses your belief in and for what’s right, who’s right, and not backing down, compromising, or standing with and for those who are wrong, as well as what is wrong. Remember, two wrongs don’t and won’t make a right!

Not taking stand for what and who is right can only indicate you falling for what’s wrong, allowing you to fall for any and everything, completely out of the realm of truth that you have been taught and the truth that has guided your belief system. At some point, it becomes difficult and almost impossible for you to keep walking in and standing on the footprints of others. These footprints are probably too small or too large for you to fit. However, as long as you keep sitting with blinders on, watching your girlfriend be plummeted mentally, physically, and emotionally by her mate, while turning your head, closing your eyes, and keeping your mouth shut, you are standing in and on the footprints of the perpetrator. In other words, you are just as guilty! If he is wrong and you say nothing, that means both of you are wrong, and there is no right until you take a stand and make it right!

Yes, it’s good to have e job. You are no different from anyone else; everyone needs to make money. But how much of you are you willing to compromise in order to get and keep a job? Whose head are you willing to step on or stand on in order to keep you job or position? How many lies and how many dastardly deeds are you willing to engage in, in order for you to climb the ladder of nowhere, believing that you are going somewhere, at the expense of others? And how long will you sit idly by, completely aware that your colleague has been mistreated, maltreated, and done completely wrong? But, you are willing to sit, not stand, and keep your mouth shut. As a matter of fact, you have sometimes been a part of the equation to do someone else in, not recognizing that if your colleague, your friend, or family member is done wrong, who do you think will be next? That hole that you helped to dig for someone else will often fit two. If he/she was taken down today, there is always the take down for you tomorrow. Either you stand for something or you will keep falling for anything, at your expense and the expense of others.

One of the reasons that you might not take a stand, even when you see the truth and behold the truth, has much to do with your own insecurity, your low self-esteem, and your fear of not belonging. The truth of the matter is, when you believe you have to compromise your beliefs and your values, falling for hose things, those circumstances, and those people who are causing you or forcing you to reframe your reality, you will live a lie, tell a lie, and become a lie, falling for anything.

No matter how you try to fit, no matter how much you seek prestige, power, and position, while trying to be political, until you find the truth, recognize the truth, see the truth, accept the truth, stand on the truth, and stand for the truth, you will keep falling for lies and being disingenuous. You might believe that you are fitting in with others by closing your eyes, your ears, your mind, your heart, and your mouth, and sometimes selling your soul to the truth, but once you are used up, you will be put out! Sadly, the same people you met on your way to the top, you will have to meet them in a completely different vein during your fall to the bottom.

And what are you afraid of by taking a stand for what and who is right; that you won’t belong any more or that you will be ostracized, put out of the group, not be politically correct? The bottom line is and the truth is, you never really fit and you never did belong in the first place. As a matter of fact, you have been perpetrating a fraud of fitting and belonging. The people you thought you were fitting with were only misusing you and others, to keep what they have and to continue to rise to their own heights. As they move on, you will be moved down or aside. It’s time for you to take a stand!

Anytime you are perpetrating frauds, you are holding onto untruths, standing by and standing for situations and people that are not for or indicative of who you are, as well as people that are not standing for your good, nor for the good of others as a whole, you truly have a problem! But, you can correct your problem, starting today!

It is time for you to release your fears, recognizing that you ARE your brother’s keeper and you ARE your sister’s keeper. It is time for you to accept the fact that your ability to help others to recognize their inner freedom and inner peace is predicated on their willingness to work tirelessly to take a stand to return their communities to a place of love, hope, faith, and compassion, instead of fear, despair, anguish, helplessness, and hopelessness.

As you recognize that you have a chance to improve any and all situations of your life and in the lives of others, and the fact that you have choices in life by using your voice, you will move past seeing yourself as a snitch and not be afraid to make your pitch for truth and righteousness! It is also essential that you do not allow yourself to become bamboozled by the political wrangling and fears being put forth by some of our political candidates, who disrespect, annihilate, and humiliate others, because of their differences and statuses. Your vote is your voice and your stand. You must be willing to take a stand for something or someone, or fall for anything! If you have to stand alone for what you KNOW is right, it’s okay! It’s better to stand-alone for what and who is right, rather than fall in line with and for others who are wrong! Two wrings DON’T make a right!



©2016; J. Morley Productions, Inc, P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Love is the Action Necessary for a Freedom-Centered Mindset

Every July 4th in America, we celebrate the adoption of the Declaration of Independence, which took place on July 4, 1776. However, although we celebrate our independence as a country, with the threats and the influx of violence and other harm this country has faced, I know that many of you don’t truly feel free. What you might not realize is that you can have independence, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are free.

Independence is a state of being on your own. It is gained through some form of physical action you or someone else has taken on your behalf. Whereas, freedom is a mindset gained through your action of self-love. It is perceived that freedom ensures safety. When you are free to love you, you have created an inner and outer layer of safety, protecting yourself from the external threats put forth by others who can’t and won’t love you like you love yourself. You can celebrate your independence, but the question is, are you free?

Freedom is not just a physical state; it is also a spiritual and emotional state. It is a mindset that doesn’t start with the Declaration of Independence. Freedom starts with how you see and feel about you.  No matter how independent you are, until you love yourself unconditionally, you will not be free. As a matter of fact, love is freedom and the more you love you, the freer you will become.

Too often, many of you see love as a word to use loosely, in order to gain or maintain control over others. In all actuality, because love is an emotion, it is action. It takes the action of love for you to freely release the things, the people, the situations, and the circumstances that have encumbered you and rendered you helpless and hopeless. When you love you, you allow yourself to rise above whatever or whoever seems to block your growth and success. 

When you truly love you, you are free of anger, bitterness, guilt, shame, malice, lack of forgiveness, animosity, depression, anxiety, and many other self-defeating emotions. Self-love allows independence to become your reality. It is recognized in your walk, in your talk, in the way you dress, in the people you associate with, as well as the boundaries you set with others, for an in your life.

In order for you to celebrate your personal independence and freedom on Independence Day, it is imperative that you begin to assess where you are with loving you. In order for you to engage in your assessment of love for yourself, you must first define love; not from the perspective of others, but from your inner perspective, entailing the deep and passionate feeling that you have for you, as well as the deep and passionate feeling that you seek from others. As a result, you will come to discover what and how the powerful emotion of love can allow you to accept you and to be you, while at the same time, accepting others and allowing them to be themselves.

If you are still holding onto the hurt, the pain, and the disappointments of your past, it is difficult for you to have a freedom mindset. Here’s where the act of forgiveness for yourself emerges, and then forgiveness for others comes into play.  Too often, you want to work at forgiving others, while beating up on you. The bottom line is, everything starts with you and ends with you, including forgiveness.

If you awake each and every morning, or most mornings, while being a slave to negative thoughts, negative emotions, negative actions, and negative conversations, your heart is in need of a an emotional makeover. This emotional makeover helps you to cleanse and remove the toxic emotions derived from your past and sometimes present experiences. Start by letting go of your past and begin looking through the windshield of your life, as you behold your bright future ahead of you.  Only glance into the rearview mirror of your life every now and then, to ensure that you have moved past the negative things, negative people, negative situations, and negative circumstances, in order for you to move forward. During your emotional makeover, you’ll also learn to let love and positivity in, as you escort hate and negativity out. You’ll claim the assets in life ad rid yourself of the liabilities…no matter who and what they are!

As you have heard me state on many occasions, your heart is too small to carry people in it. Although your heart is not large enough for the negative stuff to abide, it is large enough for love to take up all the space it needs. Now, I am not talking pie in the sky, or some utopia, but I am talking about a state of independence, a freedom, and a peace that is totally immeasurable when you have a heart filled with love, for you and for others.

The processes of defining love, assessing where you are with your love for yourself, forgiving yourself, in preparation for forgiving others, is crucial to you moving to a place where you can rid yourself of mess and stress. And I know you sometimes don’t believe you can be without stress. However, it’s the mess that contributes to your stress. Mess prohibits and blocks love, freedom, and independence. This includes messy people, messy situations, and messy circumstances. When you let go of the mess, it is easier for you to let love in!

The more you truly and freely love you, you will recognize mess from a mile away. Mess is a threat to your level of current and future levels of equilibrium. Love uncovers mess and conquers stress! Love disrobes and pulls the cover from over the messy people, the messy situations, and the messy circumstances of your life. Love becomes the life shield for you to use to protect you from either gaining or maintaining a slave mentality, on your journey of having to a freedom mindset.

It is past time for you to use the action of love to free you and to help you to free others from the chains of negativity, allowing you and others to have a freedom-centered mindset. When you truly and freely love you, you give yourself permission to truly and freely love others.

Your independence, freedom, and safety start with the love within you, along with the love that you share with others. Love is more powerful than any hatred or any violence that can ever attack our country, our families, or other loved ones. When you love you and love others unconditionally, freedom becomes your mantra, and interdependence becomes the norm, rather than the exception. As a result, you will live by love and stand on the premise of love, no matter what; recognizing that LOVE IS!  Now that’s something to celebrate, not only on Independence Day, but three hundred and sixty-five days a year!

©2016; J.Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Who Taught Him? Boys Need Guidance & Direction Too!

Happy Father’s Day to all fathers, whether biological or surrogate! It is always great to be recognized for a role that many times doesn’t come with a set of directions or a guidebook of instructions. And often, the role bears no points and little recognition for success. Except in the court of public opinion, fatherhood is rarely examined under a microscope, as is motherhood.

  Father’s Day is not as commercialized as Mother’s Day, and it is not as widely celebrated. The restaurants on Father’s Day are not as packed and unavailable for reservations as they are on Mother’s Day. However, fathers are important too. Although the role of father is just as essential as the role of mother, fathers are often given passes and excuses are made for their lack of participation and/or limited level of participation in the lives of their children.

From boyhood to manhood, there are different rules, different regulations, and different expectations for and of males. Males are given different messages, and they are allowed much more leeway than females, from the cradle to the grave. And if you are e a male reading this blog, I am sure you can attest to this difference in treatment (if you will be honest with yourself).

Although there are more males incarcerated than females, more female single parents than males, more battered females than males, and males are paid higher wages than females on the average. Males are afforded more freedom and seemingly less direction than females. For some reason, male children are allowed to cross all boundaries without consequences or repercussions. They are often allowed to stay out later and longer than females, and they are rarely held accountable for their actions, especially if there is no father or father figure in their lives. There is a staunch discrepancy between the guidance and direction provided for boys, from that provided for girls.

From the time boys are born, the societal messages are one of entitlement, especially for white boys.  Boys in general are revered at a higher level than females. I have witnessed this within my own family and amongst my friends. Boys are usually allowed to not have curfews, not have chores, not work during high school, and sometimes not work after high school, into adulthood. They are rarely criticized for their style of dress, their actions, and their behaviors, unless they are males of color. The negative behaviors of boys are often considered funny and humorous. However, these same negative behaviors are seen as hideous if put forth by girls.
We wonder why more crimes are committed by boys and men than those committed by girls and women. It almost seems as if boys and men start taking dares to do wrong as children, and those dares continue into adulthood, all because of the free passes afforded them in life. The freedom boys are given at home by their mothers is often due to their absentee father; mothers feel guilty and overly compensate. Their girlfriends and their wives then afford them the same freedoms when they become adults, without accountability and without consequences for their behaviors. If we have more boys and men in prison, especially African-American boys and men (although too many are incarcerated for crimes they did not commit), it would seem as if we would come to realize that boys need guidance and direction just as much as girls. As a matter of fact, they probably need more!

And when our boys become adults, we wonder why they have difficulty engaging in positive, healthy, and lasting relationships. WHO TAUGHT THEM?!  Mothers tend to revere their sons, especially if the father is not in their lives, and their fathers tend to rush them into manly roles when they are still ‘wet behind the ears,’ with the ‘milk still not dry around their mouths.’ Many of our boys are often fearful, in pain, and confused. Yet and still, we expect them to function in the real world when we have allowed them to live in a fantasy world most of their lives.

It’s amazing how much so many of you, as parents, show discrepancy between the rearing of your boys and the rearing of your girls. Girls are told and taught to keep their dresses down, but how many of you tell your sons to keep their penises in their underwear, not alone in their pants? They are seen as conquerors when they can have sex with a harem of girls, like their dads, and girls are ridiculed for having sex with more than one boy, not that this behavior or practice is right for either of them. Girls also have many derogatory terms ascribed to them when it comes to their sexual escapades.

Boys can produce double-digit out-of-wedlock babies and never be held accountable for their actions or assume responsibility for the children they produce, financially, physically, morally, spiritually, or emotionally. However, girls are expected to take responsibility for their children, as well as make what is often a painful decision as to whether they should keep their out of wedlock children, or place them up for adoption, while males are once again given a free pass. And as a mother, girls and women MUYST be accountable for the total wellbeing of her children, no matter what her situation. When a girl or a woman has several children by several different men, she is seen as a disgrace, a whore, a floosy, and a ‘burden on the system’; someone who should be ashamed of herself.

It is imperative to recognize that if you want responsible and accountable men, you must start with responsible and accountable boys. But in that vein, boys need you, as mothers to stop coddling them and rear them the same way you rear your girls, without compromising their gender identity. Moreover, you as a father, whether biological or otherwise, need to step up to the plate and accept your God-given role to help mothers to rear, guide, and direct your children, especially your sons. It takes both mothers and fathers to bring about equity in rearing their boys and their girls. And fathers are necessary to bring boys from boyhood to manhood.

Specifically in African-American communities, there are entirely too many absentee fathers who bear no role or responsibility in rearing their children, especially their boys. As a result, too many fathers have pretty much abandoned guiding and directing their sons, forcing them to succumb to the self-guidance and self-direction, or the guidance and direction of negative, external people and forces. But then, who taught him? Mothers are constantly attempting to do their very best as single parents. However, a mother cannot rear a boy to become a man; she needs the assistance of either his father or other healthy and positive male role models.
        
If the boy child is not guided and directed during boyhood, as a man, he will fall by the wayside, lacking positive attributes he should have received as a child. If the boy child is allowed to believe or is taught that his power is below his waist, in his penis (sex), and not above his waist in his head (brains) and in his heart (positive emotions), as a man, he will exemplify the same. For so many males of color, this misguidance and misdirection has wreaked havoc on the family. If it continues, there won't be enough men for women of color, because as boys, they were either not guided, not directed, or misguided and misdirected. Hence, they will more and more fall prey to the pipeline to prison that starts in third grade, by a society that still does not see them as whole, or they will fall prey to other societal maladies.

Without proper guidance, without proper direction, and without proper teaching for our boys, they will make poor choices and poor decisions with negative consequences, while engaging themselves in negative and destructive behaviors that negatively impact their relationships with family, friends, and the opposite sex. Here is where gangs become the norm, rather than the exception. Boys without guidance and direction also find themselves feeling unloved, have low self-esteem, and they lack a sense of belongingness. As a result, they find themselves easily influenced and easily misled; they become followers, rather than leaders, seeking love with the wrong people and in the wrong places, compromising their values, and pushing the limits with the legal system, many times sacrificing their lives and their freedom.
Guiding, directing, and teaching our boys properly when they are young, will allow me as a therapist to not have to look at the man sitting on my therapy couch with his mate, when she is perplexed by his behaviors, or lack thereof, and I have to help her to relent some by asking her the question, ‘who taught him?’ The early guidance, proper direction, intentional teaching of our boys, will determine the outcome of their lives as men. Will they go wrong at some point? Yes, as does everyone, they will too. The difference is, with guidance, direction, and teaching, they will ne able to not only find their way back to the right path, they will have less difficulty getting back on track.

For the great fathers out there, as well as the men who can attest to having had or still have a great father in your life (and as you know, there are many of them), it is imperative that you continue to participate in guiding and directing the males in and around your life. If you don't do something now, we will continue to pay a dear price. Our African-American males and other males of color are in desperate need of positive father figures in their lives.

For the positive male role models reading this blog, I would like to take this opportunity to challenge you to take on the role of providing guidance and direction for a male child in your neighborhood and/or your community. And I challenge the females reading this blog to identify and challenge the positive males in your life, to commit to providing guidance, direction, and teachings for a male child in your neighborhood and/or community. If not now, WHEN?!

Here are but a few of the issues boys face when they are not guided, directed, and taught by positive people in their lives, especially by positive male figures.

·      They are left without male teachers who look like them

·      They see a home with a struggling mother…many times with more than one child

·      They are sometimes in a house without a financial foundation

·      They become hopeless

·      They are more likely to drop out of school

·      They feel forced to try to be a man at an early age

·      They stop dreaming

·      They sometimes don’t learn how to respect females, starting with their mother

·      They become bitter, angry, and unforgiving

·      They are placed in a position to engage in negative external influences at an early age, including gangs, addiction, and crime

·      Their self-esteem and psyche are negatively impacted

·      They are not afforded the positive spiritual connection from a male’s perspective

·      They can become emotionally bankrupt men

·      They are cheated of the opportunity to become a healthy man, with healthy relationships and a healthy life direction



©2016; J. Morley Productions, Inc; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com