What Happens With the Noose is Up to You: You Control Your Destiny

It was the late sixties and I was caught in one of the most difficult times of my life…forced busing and integration that has never really taken place. I distinctively remember my classes. I was moved from first chair clarinet to third chair at the newly configured, so-called “mixed school.” African-American students were treated as if we were from third world countries; holding our hands up with the right answer, only to be shot down by Ms. Habick (Blond-haired, blue-eyed English teacher) who would rather call on a White student with the wrong answer, before calling on me, an African-American with the right answer.

Amazingly, we had our hands up back then, hoping to be recognized with a correct response and not shot down with rejection, avoidance, and disrespect. Here we are in the year 2014, fifty-years post Civil Rights Movement, and African-Americans, Caucasians, Hispanics, and others, are still marching in Ferguson, Missouri and other cities, with their hands up, asking not to be shot with bullets, pepper sprayed, gassed, or the use of other weapons “of mass destruction,” to silence and control the voices of the people, pleading for their lives….

Unfortunately, there are still many Americans who are stuck in the throws of seeing differences in others, rather than similarities; discriminating against others, rather than respecting them; and showing inferior treatment towards others, rather than accepting them unconditionally. Recently, Ferguson, Missouri was thrust into the limelight as the cover of racism and discrimination were pulled from over them, when an African-American teen, Michael Brown was murdered, by a White police officer. Sadly, there are too many cities in America that are analogous to Ferguson. As a result of Michael Brown’s murder, decades of unfair treatment of people of color have been brought to light in Ferguson and around the country. Many African-Americans seemed shocked and surprised that much of what was happening in the sixties to people of color, is still happening in 2014. 

However, as African-Americans, there should be no surprises. Too many of us have become complacent, believing that if some of us have arrived, all of us have arrived.  We have forgotten to remember our history. Too many of us believe that THEY will change. We are so busy looking for change to for us to come from others, that we have forgotten who is in in our mirrors looking back at us each and every day. It is time for African-Americans to realize that we are in control of our own destinies and that ‘PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!’ Until they change their hearts and change their mindsets, people of color and people who look different from others will remain an after thought, if a thought at all.

As African-Americans, we must come to change our mindsets about US; change our perceptions of OURSELVES as a people. We must begin to prioritize what is important, recognizing that until ALL OF US  have arrived, NONE OF US has arrived. We must stop looking for THEM  to make the changes and make the necessary changes OURSELVES. If others see us as unworthy and we begin to see ourselves and continue to treat ourselves the same, we can’t expect others to change their perceptions about us; it takes US to make the changes in how we see ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and how we treat each other as African-Americans.

As African-Americans, when we think about racism, we see 1967, not realizing that it was only yesterday. Unfortunately, too many of us have been given a false sense of security and made to believe that society and the system see African-Americans as equal to the majority. The problem is, too many see African-Americans as being equal only to other African-Americans; we all look the same.

We have worn our rose-colored sunglasses for too long. We have been fooled by the mammoth-sized houses that can be taken from us at any time, the jobs that others don’t believe we are qualified to hold or have a right to hold, the education many NEVER believed we deserved to achieve and still are not respected for achieving, and the cars that we are allowed to purchase, but still not owned.

As African-Americans, until we wake up and see that 1967 exists in 2014, we will continue to walk around with heavy hearts, our heads in a tail spin of confusion, our minds clouded with doubt, and our very rights to equality and our beliefs about who we are will not only be continuously questioned, but taken away. The day we open our eyes and see that the murders of our African-American boys and African-American men are the extensions of the lynchings that took place prior to and during the Civil Rights Movement, we will NEVER see things change for the better for African-Americans in our lifetime. The visible chains and shackles have been removed from our hands, our feet, and our necks. However, we have allowed the system to replace the visible chains and shackles with invisible, more powerful chains and shackles by binding our minds, our hearts, and our thoughts, keeping us focused on material things that are dangled in front of us, keeping us in slavery, believing that our greatest and worst enemy is each other.

Until we wake up and see that the modern day lynchings of African-Americans are now in the form of low or no education, guns and other weapons that we tend to use on each other, drugs, sexual exploitations, self-abuse and disrespect, black on black crime, and material things we don’t need (high priced sneakers, purses, and other things we use to define ourselves) which are all forms of genocide, intentionally and systematically put in place, we will continue to see replays of Emmitt Till, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, Martin Luther King, Jr., Amadou Diallo, Eric Bell, Trayvon Martin, Jordan Davis, Eric Garner, Michael Brown, and the thousands of other African-American males who have died because they were seen as ‘three-fifths of a man,’ and as threats to others. It is known that for every African-American male who’s jailed, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually murdered, the African-American population is being drastically diminished.

We sat back and allowed prayer to be taken out of our schools, while the devil was invited in. We ask our children what we want them to do, instead of telling them and guiding them to what they need to do. We have thrown discipline out the window, and our children have CHOICES about church and school.  Too many of us accept substandard treatment from the post office to the neighborhood stores in our communities. Our churches have become big businesses at the expense of the people who show up to worship, looking for hope and a way out, while the heads, hands, and pockets of the church leaders keep expanding, and hands and pockets of the body (the people) keep shrinking. And too many of us abate our rights to make our voices heard in the voting booths of America. As Malcolm X once stated many years ago, and it still holds true today, ‘we have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and thrown amuck.” Wake up black folk…racism still exists!!! We are the only ones who can control our destiny and what Happens with the noose is up to YOU and US!

Sadly, when people such as Bill Cosby speak the truth about US as African-Americans and our seeming lack of responsibility and accountability in modern day times, because we seem to be so busy chasing dollars, we get ‘mad’ and become offended. We are constantly looking for ‘A LEADER’ to emerge among us. Look in the mirror!!! The leader is standing in front of you and resides inside of you! What are you willing to do to take on a leadership role to help address the many problems still facing us as African-Americans?

A major issue is the haves believing that they are entitled to having and keeping all that they have, at the expense of the have not's. And the have not's are desperately looking to others (too often to the haves) to help them to reach their destiny in life and gain equality. It is past time for the have not's to recognize that as long as you are waiting for someone else to fix what's wrong within and around your life, or for the haves to take responsibility and become accountable for how they have treated you because of your racial and/or cultural background, you will still not have the justice afforded you under the constitution of the United States.  You must take a stand to claim and/or reclaim you position with yourself, with your family, and then with and within society, but with pride and without destruction.

It is imperative that As African-Americans, you must reach out to each other, hold each other accountable, take back your neighborhoods, take back your schools, TAKE BACK YOUR HOMES, YOUR CHILDREN,  AND YOUR FAMILIES!!! However, we must also rid ourselves of the ‘crab in the barrel’ mentality that we seem to have adopted in the past few decades. If ten of you can each pass the message to ten others, look at how powerful the message then becomes. If each one reaches one and teaches one, you will have accomplished quite a bit. One of the greatest problems that have plagued us as African-Americans, is that we tend to forget each other as we gain information, gain understanding, as we grow financially, grow in prominence, gain positions, and gain power. In the words of Frankie Beverly and Maze, “We are ONE!”  The group goes on to say, “…Can’t understand why we treat each other this way.” So you must ask yourself, why do you/we treat each other the way we do?

As African-Americans, I challenge you to form coalitions and not continue the competitions in order to do the following:

·      Define the PURPOSE as a people

·      Identify PRIORITIES needed to help fix the plethora of issues

·      Discuss and identify the POSSIBILITIES

·      Don’t be afraid to see the POTENTIAL

·      Develop a PLAN

·      Make PREPARATION to implement the PLAN

·      Gather together to engage in corporate PRAYER

YOU ARE YOUR BROTHERS’/SISTERS’ KEEPER! YOU not only determine what happens with the noose, YOU control YOUR destiny as an individual and as a people. Stop looking on the outside to fix what’s wrong on the inside! YOU have to be the change YOU want to see!!

Abuse in Relationships Shows Your Weakness; Not Your Strength: Man Up & Woman U

More and more, violence and abuse against women are occurring at an alarming rate in the United States. According to the CDC, one out of three women is abused in domestic relationships and one out of ten men are abused. Whatever the figures, abuse is NEVER okay in any relationship!

 You have probably heard quite a bit about the admitted abuse by Ray Rice, NFL running back for the Baltimore Ravens, against his then fiancée, Janay Palmer. Sadly and unfortunately, many people (including a preponderance of men) believe that the abuse lodged by Ray against Janay was right, appropriate, and ‘the way men should treat women who don’t know when to keep their mouths shut,’ or women who  ‘can’t be controlled.’ Ironically, the NFL seems to agree with these supporters of abuse and violence against  women by men, with their meager two game suspension of Ray.

The negative comments made about African-American women in response to Janay’s abuse by Ray have been even more distasteful and downright disgusting. To add insult to injury, African-American men whose mothers and sisters are African-American, have made many of these disparaging comments.

There should be no situation that warrants any type of violence or abuse against another. If the relationship is not in your best interest or it becomes toxic, you must recognize that you have a choice and you have options. If you are being abused, you can choose to continue to drink from the abuse bottle with the skull and crossbones, or you can demand changes in how you are being treated. And if you are not being treated the way you believe you should be treated, like the human being, man or woman that you are…you have options, and one of the options is to end the relationship or situation.

Women, the longer you stay in an abusive situation, the weaker you become. Staying stuck in the mud of abuse does not make your relationship stronger. All you are doing is enabling your abuser and engaging in codependent behaviors with him.

It’s time for you to stop blaming yourself for being abused and stop making excuses for his abusive behaviors. ‘I should have been quiet’; ‘I made him angry’; ‘it’s all my fault’; ‘he was drinking’; ‘the kids were making too much noise’; ‘I made him do it.’ You are in denial…Don’t Even kNow It’s All A Lie! You want him to man up? WHY DON’T YOU WOMAN UP and stop participating in the madness and cancel your membership in the club of insanity! He won’t and he doesn’t love you any more because you are his punching bag, physically, verbally, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t love you at all; if he ever did!

Men, it is time for you to take a stand against abuse of any kind, especially abuse against women. Just as there were men (and a few women) who condoned Ray Rice’s abuse of Janay, there were many men who condemned his behavior. I commend you! To those men who stood or stand against abuse and domestic violence against women, kudos to you. Always remember, your mother was/is a woman. When you show disrespect and hatred toward the woman you sleep with, you are showing an extension of disrespect and hatred to and for the woman who carried you for nine months and made the decision to bring you into this world. Even if she did not rear you, she gave you life. Either way, whatever happened between you and your mother, it’s not your mate’s fault or her responsibility to take the blame for or to try to fix the situation. Get some professional help and get over it!

Abuse has been used as a form of control for too long. When you come to realize that the only person you have control over is yourself, you will stop trying to control others. And not having things go your way in your relationship doesn’t give you permission or the right to abuse your mate in any way. Being a man of physical strength doesn’t make you stronger when you abuse women. As a matter of fact, as an abuser, you display your weaknesses. Here is your opportunity to STAND UP AND MAN UP! Stop the violence and stop abusing your mate and other women! And if you are not an abuser, take a stand against abuse by calling your boys our when they engage in abusive behaviors. Let them see how big you truly are. Model for the abuser what being strong is rally like!

To the women who raise your hands against your mates, and hurt with your words, because you feel emotionally bankrupt and don’t believe you can harm with your hands (which is not an option), there is no right in your wrong actions and violence and abuse have never healed hurt or mended a broken heart. Self-love is the start and love toward others is the next step. When you come to love yourself, you will see that you don’t have to fight in order to be loved. Love attracts love! Hurt people hurt!

As men and women, you must come to recognize that hands are made for holding and helping; they were never made for hitting or hurting! Further, if you expect dignity ad respect from your children, it is time for you to model these characteristics for them. Abuse and violence are learned behaviors, especially against women. You can then throw out the old adage, ‘do as I say and not as I do.’ You should be congruent in what you say and what you do…stop trying to control your mate and others with your abuse and violence. Don’t be afraid to speak out against such destructive behaviors!

Doormats are made for walking on…NOT PEOPLE. Light switches are made for flicking on and off…NOT PEOPLE. Doorknobs are made for turning…NOT PEOPLE. Drums are made for beating on…NOT PEOPLE! Clearly, if you are an abuser or you use violence to control your relationships, you have much deeper problems than you know or are willing to admit! If you are constantly submitting yourself to abuse, as a man or woman, you also have deep problems within yourself. For both the abuser and the abused, self-esteem is a serious issue, but it is never an excuse for abuse, as a giver or receiver!

Recognize that there are many forms of abuse. Here is your opportunity to become aware of them, gain insight about them, understand them, and take a stand against them!

·      Domestic abuse/violence—Abuse and violence committed against your mate in order for you to control him/her. More often than not, domestic abuse/violence is committed by men against women and children. Domestic violence usually encompasses all of the abuses below, but focuses more on physical abuse. It occurs in cycles. He beats the hell out of you and then he wants to have sex, after he has beaten you, cursed you, called you names, and given you a false apology, cried, begged for your forgiveness, and made you believe everything is alright…until the next time; the next out break of abuse. During domestic abuse/violence, more women are killed by physical violence, including guns.   

·      Economic abuse--Stripping your mate of financial means for her to effectively care for herself and the children. Withholding credit cards, taking money from bank accounts to deny her access; forcing her and the children out of the home, especially after a divorce; depriving your mate of the basic needs for daily survival, causing her to struggle to stay afloat and to get ahead in life through financial and material means and needs

·      Emotional abuse—Saying or doing things to and/or against your mate, which affect his/her mood; it’s tugging at his/her heart, bringing sadness and tears; deflating him/her, causing low emotions, depressed moods, stress, and distraught. Usually coupled with other forms of abuse, physical, verbal, spiritual, etc.

     Financial abuse—Withholding money in order to deflate and/or control your mate and cause dependency on you for survival. Forcing your mate to give you money or forcibly taking money from your mate, rending her financially impaired or devastated.

·     Physical abuse—Violence and abuse on your mate’s body by beating, hitting, shoving, slapping, cutting, scratching, or any other form of physical harm. This harm can be done with your hand, fist, or other material instruments or weapons.

·     Psychological abuse—Affecting the mind of your mate through physical, emotional, spiritual, and other forms of abuse. Your mate begins to believe she is ‘going crazy,’ with erratic thinking, confusion, forgetfulness, distress, etc.

·      Social abuse—Using verbal, physical and/or spiritual forms of abuse to embarrass your mate in front of others, in public, or through social media; denigrating her in public; putting her down in front of others, especially at parties or other social engagements.

·    Spiritual abuse—Using the Bible and spiritual approaches to control your mate. Making him/her believe that he/she is headed for damnation; quoting scriptures to embarrass your mate, embarrassing in front of church members, having a Bible in your hands while having horns on your head and a tail sticking out of your behind. Making yourself seem self-righteous, while condemning your mate.  Using your spiritual leader to ‘tell on your mate.’

·      Verbal abuse—Using your words to hurt your mate; entails name-calling, yelling & screaming, cursing, abusive language, denigrating, and embarrassing in front of others with words; using put downs, deflating your mate as you inflate yourself. Public humiliation and ridicule with your words; can also be done by phone, emails, or other forms of social media.

For your sake and the sake of your children, remember, abuse and violence kills! Women, if there is a way in, there is always a way out…you must be ready to see it. You also must begin to love yourself, accept yourself, and above all respect yourself. And don’t be afraid to get therapy to help yourself. When the situation is too rough and too toxic, don’t feel embarrassed about the abuse, reach out to family and friends to help you to get out of the situation. If you don’t see a door, find a window!

Never stay in an abusive and violent relationship ‘for the children.’ This is an unhealthy situation. Your children are better off in a healthy home with one parent, rather than in an unhealthy house with two parents; one abusive and violent and the other afraid. Men, you are more likely to kill your mate, your children, other family members, and yourself, in order to control and seek revenge, or because you believe you have lost control somewhere along the way. And guess what? You blame everyone except you for your problems, especially your mate and your children!  Just leave; everyone deserves to live. It’s okay for you to get some help to deal with your pain!

Women, you are more likely to kill yourself and sometimes your children in order to escape the control, the abuse, and the violence, and the pain. You see no way out  and you have often lost hope and been isolated from family and friends. There is hope, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Run…and run as fast as you can to save yourself and your children. Get some professional help for you and your children. Abused children can become adult abusers.

WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!! You can live with someone and still not truly know him/her. It is better to live with embarrassment than it is to not live at all!! There is help for you!

Resources:

Morley & Associate, Inc.-Individual, marriage, and family psychotherapy. 770-808-657o; www.doctorjoyce.com

The Women’s Resource Center Crisis Line--404-688-9436 The Center reads the names of women in Georgia  who have died since 1990 due to domestic violence during domestic violence month in October, in the Decatur Square

Men Stopping Violence—404-270-9894 Program for men engaged in domestic abuse and violence.

National Domestic Violence Hotline—1-800-79-SAFE (1-800-797-7233—1-800-787-3224-TTY)

Can You Make An Ex a Plus?

Although love seems to hurt sometimes, true love doesn’t hurt; it heals. Even if your heart is heavy following a breakup with someone you loved or still love, you must remember to never give up on love!   You might end a relationship with the person you love, but love never dies; it lives inside of you. As a matter of fact, you are love!!!

One of the greatest vocalists and greatest crooners, Luther Vandross once sang, “Love will be better…better than ever, the second time around.” And if you feel the way that I feel about Luther Vandross, there is no song that he sang, which didn’t seem to hold truth to its words.  Love can be better, but you will never know it, if you stop loving and if you don’t trust your heart, ensuring that it is in sync with your head.

Love is not the problem, the problem is whom you choose to love, and whom you allow to choose you, but is not necessarily in love with you. And if the person you choose or who chooses you is not right for you, it is difficult for love to be right for you. The Isley Brothers once sang, “If You Can’t Be With the One You Love, Love the One You’re With.” This might hold true for some, but not necessarily for all.

You probably believe that you can’t go on after a breakup, because you still love your ex.  I want to say to you, ‘YES YOU CAN!’ If your relationship with your ex was a mess, and he/she was a minus, getting back with him/her won’t make him/her a plus the second time around. You can move forward and still have feelings of love; it’s what you do with those feelings that matter.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and move on with your life, even if you still have feelings for your ex. There are many things to consider when putting your heart on the line the second time around. But a second time around does not have to be with your ex, you can move on to the next.

Unfortunately, there are many couples who breakup, wakeup one day and decide to makeup, and the relationship goes nowhere. As a matter of fact, if your relationship went nowhere the first time, what makes you think it will go somewhere the second time? What have you done to ensure that whatever went wrong the first time will not go wrong the second time? The problem is, too many of you try to make your ex a plus, without first fixing the mess and eliminating the minuses!

Also, a breakup doesn’t fix a relationship or change your ex to become the way you want him/her to become. Get the message and get a grip… PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE, BUT THEY CAN GROW!! They must want to grow and it takes hard work and perseverance!  

 

Until you are ready to face the facts, address the issues, and fix whatever tore you and your ex apart, love will probably not be better the second time around…at least not with your ex. Love can be better the second time around, but it might have to be with someone other than your ex.

It is time for you to assess where you are with your ex and decide if getting back with your ex will make him/her a plus and not a minus the second time around. And then, on the other hand, here is your opportunity to assess if you want to give love another opportunity with someone else and leave your ex in your past.

Before getting back with your ex or moving on with someone else, you must:

• Be honest about how and why your ex became an ex in the first place
• Assess what you and your ex have done to confront the situation(s) that caused the breakup?
• What visible, emotional, and spiritual growth has taken place with you and with your ex since the breakup?
• What, if any expectations do you and your ex have of each other and the relationship moving forward? You should have specific expectations!
• Do you and your ex have a relationship agenda?
• Do you and your ex have the same goals?
• Are you and your ex on the same page?
• Is getting back with your ex a result of lust or love?
• What affects will the decision to get back with your ex have on your current and future relationships, especially with your children?
• What has been done to correct whatever went wrong with your ex? 
• Don’t be afraid for you and your ex to seek professional help!

Remember, sex will never mend a situation nor does it make a situation a relationship. And even if you decide to not rekindle a relationship with your ex, consider the above questions as you move into your next relationship.  Love CAN be better the second time around, but there is no guarantee that you can ‘make your ex a plus,’ because you get back together.

Get ready!  Invite your family, invite your friends, sit in your favorite seat, and get out the popcorn!!  Dr. Joyce is featured on TV One’s “Fatal Attraction” TV show on Monday, July 28, 2014, at 10:00pm EDT. And if you will not be at home, be sure to set your DVR or your VCR so that you can watch the show at a later time.  Don’t miss it!