They’re Grown…Let’em Move Out!

Anna Jarvis probably never envisioned how grand Mother’s Day would become in the United States when she lobbied to have the day recognized as a holiday.  She celebrated the occasion for the first time in 1908.  And now, over a hundred years later, Mother’s Day is celebrated annually the second Sunday in May.

Anna’s original reason for celebrating Mother’s Day went far beyond the flowers, the candy, and the dinner that we use in this country to commemorate the day.  Mother’s Day was originally highlighted to recognize mothers, motherhood, and the maternal bond.

Your mother is at the core of your very existence. Without her, you would not be here! And your mother isn't just the woman who was responsible for your birth; she is the woman who took on the responsibility of nurturing you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Your mother is the woman who has stood by you when no one else would...through thick and thin, when things were good or bad. She has worn many hats and has answered to many names: Mother, Mama, Grandma, or Big Mama.

However, many of you tend to take this woman for granted.  You get caught up with what your mother did; what she didn’t do; or some other unresolved issue.  Too often, these feelings become long-held grudges.  And your inability to forgive stunts not only your relationship with your mother, but also your emotional and spiritual growth. 

Maybe your mother allowed someone else to rear you; you didn’t have a father in the house; you didn’t have what the other children had…get over it!!  Recognize that you are now a grown woman or a grown man. What your mother didn’t do, she probably won’t do, or she can’t do at this time.  Instead of looking at what wasn’t, how about taking some time to look at what was; she gave birth to you!!!

This woman, who entered into motherhood for your sake and engaged in an emotional, spiritual, and maternal bond with you, deserves to be revered and respected by you.  And just because she is your mother or has assumed the role of your mother throughout your life, it doesn’t mean that she has to take care of you for the rest of her life.  It is time you truly start celebrating Mother’s Day by standing on your own two feet and stepping off your mother’s feet, off of her lap, off of her heart, out of her pocket book, and out of her house?!

Show your mother appreciation by giving to her instead of taking from her. YOU ARE A GROWN MAN or GROWN WOMAN!!  Yes, there IS a child in each of us; but grown means on your own! Okay! There are some circumstances when you might have to move back home with your mother. But, let’s be realistic!  How can you move back with your mother and not pay rent, not buy groceries, not chip in for utilities, and drain your mother of what sanity she has left, and then ask to borrow her car, because you don’t have one?  When do you become accountable for you?

And mothers, many of you are just as guilty as your adult children.  You are so afraid of your adult children ‘being mad at you’ or ‘not speaking to you,’ that you put up with mess that you would not tolerate from anyone else.  Too many of you have become boundary-less, enablers, and completely selfless. It is time for you to wake up and smell the roses! As long as you allow your adult children to treat you as if you are a doormat, a light switch, or a door knob, you are not helping them to be the men and women God appointed you to rear them to become. Stop enabling your grown ‘children!’  You deserve your own life!  If you don’t treat yourself better, how do you expect your adult children to treat you?

As mothers, there are many of you who tend to believe your adult son just can’t go on without you!  Give him a chance and he will make it one way or the other!  As mothers, too many of you tend to raise your daughters and take care of your sons. Guess what? You are handicapping your son, making it difficult for the next woman to enter his life; his girlfriend or his wife! 

Mothers it is time to stop enabling your sons and allow them to be men! You have done your job!  Cut the apron string; cut the umbilical cord and let your man-child be a man!  He can and he will do it… trust him; trust yourself and the job you have done in rearing him from boyhood to manhood!

As mothers, this blog is not written to blame you as a mother or to berate you in any way. However, the reality is that too often the problem with many men taking responsibility and being accountable for their manhood and their relationships with women is tied to their inability to pack their things and move away from their mothers emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and physically.

Further, this blog is in no way intended to indicate that a man should not have a relationship with his mother. As a matter of fact, he should; and women shouldn’t try to stop it.  The relationship must be healthy and positive, with boundaries.  Women, you should also be grateful if your boyfriend or husband has a healthy and positive relationship with his mother. His relationship with his mother is indicative of the kind of relationship he will have with you. Recognize that his mother is his mother and you cannot and should not try to duplicate her!  Mother’s have a place that no one can take! But, when your adult son has found that special woman, it is time for you to move aside and allow him to move out!      

In the final analysis, whether you are male or female, this Mother's Day, is another opportunity for you to celebrate your mother! It is also an opportunity for your mother to celebrate herself. And one of the best ways she can celebrate herself (and you can help her) is by allowing grown folk to be adults, letting go, and CUTTING THE UMBILICAL CORD!!!

For the sacrifices made by mothers, as well as their love and hard work, Mother’s Day ought to be three hundred and sixty-five days of the year; not just the second Sunday in May! Make everyday Mother’s Day! Give your mother a break by showing her what a great job she did in helping you to become the man or woman you are today. And mothers, if they don’t give you a break—take it!!! Help them to move on and move out; it doesn’t mean you love them any less. Every day is now your day!!  HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Using the Power of Words to Direct Your Life & Your Relationships

You’ve often heard and repeated the sayings, “The power of life and death are in the tongue”; “It’s not what goes in a man’s mouth that defiles him; it’s what comes out”; “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt.”

Words will never hurt?!  That’s a lie!!  They do hurt! And many times the emotional hurt of words is greater than some of the physical pain you experience; and it seems to last longer. Too often, the words you speak are dictated by your emotions regarding something, someone, or some situation. But, no matter what things seem like on the outside, and no matter what your feelings are on the inside, speaking positive words can bring life back into a seemingly dead situation.   

Words can be smoother than butter or cut like a two-edged sword. Yes, the words you speak have power beyond measure! As a matter of fact, the words you speak can make you or break you; they can free you or enslave you; they can promote you or demote you; they can help you to grow or stunt your growth; they can bring happiness or sadness; they can save your life or cost you your life.  The words you speak are so powerful that they can cut and they can heal you, all at the same time!

It is important to use effective verbal communication in achieving the dreams of your life, as well as helping you to attain and maintain healthy and positive relationships.  In essence, because the words you speak have power, they have a tremendous impact on how your day goes and how much your relationships grow. The words you speak are directly related to your life’s successes or failures.  Yes; the words you choose and the words you use are the basis and the base for directing your life, as well as your relationships!!!

The words you speak are reflective of what you believe. And if you believe  negatively, you will speak negatively (can’t); and you will engage in negative actions (won’t).  As a result of your negative beliefs, your negative speaking, and your negative actions, you will have negative results (consequences). Therefore, you must learn to rid yourself of your negative beliefs, negative words, and negative actions by changing what you believe and what you speak (dispute).  It’s as simple as ABC; your (B)eliefs determine your (A)ctions, which determine the ensuing (C)onsequences. Through (D)isputing your negative beliefs and changing your negative (B)ehaviors—what you speak… you can change the outcomes of your relationships and your life experiences.

Your words are the seeds you plant for your life’s harvest.  If you continue to plant words of negativity through what you speak on a daily basis, the harvests of your relationships will be few and meager.  So too, will be the harvest resulting in your life endeavors.

You must learn to equate the words that you choose and use on a daily basis to that of taking a one-a-day vitamin or other daily life sustaining medications.  Although you are ingesting medications to ensure a healthy physical state, you tend to speak words that can and will not only negate the effects of the medication on your body, but also negative words can and will damage, destroy, and kill your mindset, your emotional wellbeing, your motivation, your hopes, and your dreams! In other words, look at the use of daily positive words as medication for your mind, body and soul!!!!

If you believe that you deserve the best in your relationships and in your life in general…it is time for you to speak it and receive it!!! It is time for you to begin to direct your life and manage your relationships by paying attention to the words you speak. Even more so, it is probably past time for you to decide to change and eliminate the negative words that you speak, by replacing them with positive words!!

If you are looking for positive outcomes in your relationships and in your life, it is time for you to terminate your membership in the insanity club.  Follow the steps below to guide you through the process of ridding yourself of negative speaking, allowing you to not only speak positively in and over your life and your relationships on a daily basis, but for you to begin to expect and experience positive and healthy relationships, as well as positive and healthy life outcomes, which you deserve!!  It is time for you to have the harvests of your lifetime!  I challenge you to start speaking positively today and every day, so that you can start reaping the positive rewards this day and everyday of your life!!!!!

  

• Engage in the “negative ridding” process.  Take out several sheets of paper and list all of your favorite negative words.  Draw a large ‘X’ across the words; crumple the paper in your hands; take the crumpled sheets of paper with your crossed-out negative words outside to a trash receptacle and discard them in the receptacle.  Turn around; walk away…without looking back and say, “I no longer choose to speak negatively on any day; speaking positive is the only way!”
• Develop a list of positive words to use daily and place them on your refrigerator, wish board, bathroom or bedroom mirror (excited, successful, fantastic, blessed, directed, beautiful, chosen, amazing, powerful, kind, exemplary, faithful, favored, honest, etc).
• Choose a word from your positive word list each day; allow the word you choose to guide your day, especially in challenging times.
• Invite your family to participate in using a positive word a day (your mate, children, parents, siblings, and friends).
• Use your positive words in sentences on a daily basis.
• Speak positive statements in and over your relationships, your life, and the lives of your family members, especially your children, on a daily basis.
• When negative thoughts enter your mind, negate them by speaking positive statements aloud.
• Engage in intentional positive speaking.
• Speak what you want to have happen in your relationships and your life.
•  Be clear in your positive speaking.
• Be a part of the construction process with your words; not a part of the destruction process.
• Make sure your words are builders, not destroyers.
• Engage in speaking a kind and positive word to others on a daily basis; even when they are not reciprocating the same.
• Speak positive words that you mean.
• Speak with care and tact.
• Don’t allow people to speak negativity into your life.
• Don’t let words of others define you; to be defined by the words of others means you have no definition.
• Avoid hanging with negative people.
• Surround yourself with PPGP’s…Positive People Going Places!
• Remember that the greatest Words are in the Bible…read them and use them daily!
• Sit back and expect positive changes in your relationships and in your life!! You deserve it!

And if n one else seems to encourage you with their words, encourage yourself through the positive words you speak on a daily basis!!!

Loving with Boundaries

The entry below is Dr. Joyce's response to a reader who has been divorced for five years, after a 23-year marriage.  She has been dating a man for a little over a year. He has asked her to allow him to move in with her until he ‘gets himself together.’  He knows that moving in with her goes against her values about ‘shacking up.’  However, he presses forward with his request; she acquiesces and is now regretting her decision. Two weeks later, he has not saved any money, claims he has nowhere to go, and is still trying to ‘get himself together.’ She asks Dr. Joyce what she should do.

You already know what you need to do!  As a matter of fact, you have known what you needed to do from the onset. However, you decided to relinquish your power and your authority to someone who has none of his own…your ‘boyfriend.’  He doesn’t have anywhere to go? That’s not your problem!  Where is his family?  Where are his friends?  As a matter of fact, where is he?!

Your boyfriend didn’t just discover that he did not have himself together over the year that you and he have been dating; he probably hasn’t been together all along.  Do you know what he means by ‘getting himself together?’  Has he ever been together?  Or was it easier to close your eyes and open your heart?  You get clothes together to wear, your thoughts together for better decision-making, ingredients of a recipe together for a great meal, family members together for a reunion, and other things together with an expected end in mind. Your ‘boyfriend’ seems to have no clear end in mind. It seems as if you had no idea then and you still have no idea as to what he meant by ‘getting himself together.’

Had your ‘boyfriend’ truly had his life together from the onset, he would have been prepared for the rainy days of life.  Your ‘boyfriend’ seems to have played you like a fiddle and sold you a bill of goods with no value; and you bought it! Letting him move into the home that you worked hard to maintain after your divorce has allowed you to be his convenience and not his priority. 

And it did not matter to your ‘boyfriend’ how you felt about ‘shacking up.’  But why should it have mattered to him? It seems as if it didn’t matter to you either; you went against your beliefs, threw your values out the window, and you allowed yourself to be hoodwinked by following your heart and not your common sense.  Either you stand for something or you will fall for anything.  Shacking up is just like a marriage; it is easy getting in, but hell getting out.  You made your home his home, without clarity, boundaries, and a time limit for his stay.  

It is time for you to face reality. Your boyfriend seems to be a liability and not an asset. You wouldn’t leave your money in a bank that doesn’t yield a return. Why are you letting this man remain in your home without a return or benefits to you and your household?  What you are getting from him in your home can be gotten by you for free with him staying somewhere else. If your boyfriend can’t help himself, he most certainly can’t help you!  You might as well have stayed married!

It is past time for you to love yourself more than you love your boyfriend and most certainly more than he seems to loves you. Make yourself your own priority. Sure you were lonely after ending a twenty-three year marriage and being by yourself for five years  Subconsciously, you probably thought things would work out once your boyfriend ‘got himself together.’  You rationalized the reasons that you should take him in and closed your eyes to the facts that slapped you in the face (including your feelings about shacking up) and took him in your home anyhow.

Stop picking up, trying to fix up, shacking up, trying to stand up, and taking in people like your boyfriend, who don’t seem to be willing to pick themselves up, fix themselves up, and learn to stand up without leaning on others.  Your ‘boyfriend’ is sucking up your air, eating your food, taxing on your electric and gas bills, and living rent free.  If you are looking for him to change, you will probably be waiting a long time.  Why should he buy the cow, when he can get the milk free?    

Forgive yourself for the error of your ways. Now is not the time for you to cry over spilled milk.  It is time for you to clean it up by cleaning out your home. When you are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will kick your boyfriend out, allowing him to fend for himself and be accountable for his current state…whatever that might be.  He will find somewhere to go.

Don’t allow anyone to take up space in your mind, your heart, your spirit, and especially your home, rent free!  After a twenty-three year marriage and five years of being single, you are the ultimate determiner of when and how you want to live with a man again.  Until you are ready to do so, you have permission to end his stay by standing your ground and giving him five days to move out.  You have a choice and your voice is your choice. You can still love him; but unless you deal with the situation, you will probably come to loathe him!

Congratulations!

You have found the personal blog of Dr. Joyce Morley, Author, TV/Radio Show Personality; Motivational/Keynote Speaker; Psychotherapist; Relationship Expert; Executive/Life Coach…and much more!!!  This space will be used to provide information, direction, motivation, and suggestions on topics regarding relationships, life experiences, life challenges, and everyday life issues. My blogs are meant to promote self-discovery (or self rediscovery), as well as to help you to increase your self-growth. I will also share my professional opinion on current events and newsworthy topics.  I hope you enjoy and benefit from the information provided, gain practical relationship and life tools, and grow to heights unknown!  In other words, read and SOAR!!   Thank you for stopping by!


Sincerely,
Dr. Joyce