Struggling to Reach the Top in Difficult Times

 In reality, most of us are trying to achieve the American dream of reaching the proverbial ‘top.’  For many of us, reaching the ‘top’ is indicative of having all of the material things that seem to indicate success.  These material things are the diamonds, the name-brand clothes, the expensive shoes, the million dollar homes, the expensive cars, and all of the other material items that seem to connotate wealth.  The problem is, the journey to reach the top often clouds the minds, the hearts, and the directions of persons attempting to fit with the ‘big boys and the big girls’ that portray a sense of having all of the material riches in life.  It is getting the bling or bling-blinging that serves as an aspiration for some, an inspiration for some, and as an obsession for many more.  What often starts as a journey to reach the American dream or to reach the top becomes a nightmare, instead of a dream with goals and plans. And in difficult times, the nightmare exists constantly, with those trying to reach the ‘top,’ robbing Peter to pay Paul, while also perpetrating a fraud.

 

Too often, the price one has to pay on the journey to reaching what is considered the heights of life and the success of life is greater than the end result.  There most certainly is a dear price that often comes with the journey one undertakes when trying to obtain expensive material things and/or positions for which they do not qualify.   There are many sacrifices that one has to make in order to have the so-called finer things in life.  The financial strain, the debt, the emotional strain, the physical stress, the loss of true friendships, gaining those not so true friends who tend to serve as leeches, the compromise or loss of being oneself, broken hearts, broken spirits, and sometimes the loss of life accompany the climb to the ‘top.’ And these efforts many times make the quest for material success a miserable road to travel. 

 

You must bear in mind that any time you get something you must give something. Either you will have to relinquish something or have to give something you don't have. On the other hand, you might also have to relinquish many of your personal attributes that have been dear to you, which can often mean you compromising your integrity, your beliefs, your values, your faith, your morals, your peace, your sanity, and many times sacrificing your life.

 

There are many questions related to your determination to reach the ‘top’ and gain material things, often by any means necessary. What is it all really for? Do material things indicate a level of happiness?  And is your gain of material wealth a true sign of having arrived?  With these questions come more questions that we can’t address in this blog.  Often, the road to having the bling is a road one takes in an attempt to achieve economic and social status, usually to keep up with the Joneses (whoever they are). Trying to keep up with others when you don’t know how they attained or obtained what they have, or what you think they have can cause you misery, desperation, and disappointment.  What often looks like gold on the outside is not necessarily gold on the inside. And what looks like green grass can in all actuality be artificial turf! There is nothing wrong with rising to the ‘top,’ it’s how you do what you do when you do it! 

 

Has any one ever died and taken any of the material things attained in life to the grave with them at the time of their death?   Of course not!  The road to obtaining bling-bling usually encompasses individuals not living with the end in mind.  Once attained or obtained at a higher price, the bling is usually left for someone else to claim, having lost its value for the original holder.  Often, the recipient is someone who never worked for or sacrificed anything in order to have the material things that have been received, often by default, through the death of a loved one and sometimes the death of persons not loved so well.  

 

Do material things indicate a level of happiness?  Most certainly not!  Happiness is an internal state and if you depend on the external material things to make you happy, you will probably experience more unhappiness.  If happiness is indicative of the material possessions that you obtain in life, then your unhappiness will also be dictated by the loss of the same material possessions. If you are struggling to be where you are, you will struggle to get to the ‘top,’ and struggle even more to maintain your position at the ‘top.’ 

 

There is nothing wrong with having silver, gold, or diamonds.  What is truly wrong is having all of the external material possessions and wealth, with silver and gold around your neck, on your fingers, along with fine cars and exquisite houses, while you are living daily with internal sadness in your heart, while maintaining a lie.  You are much happier with a heart of gold that signifies happiness and peace rather than trying to have all of the money and material possessions in the world.  Happiness and peace cannot be bought and there is no price tag for a smile, a wonderful relationship, a loving heart, or a great friend.  The price you have to pay for these treasures is much less and the results last much longer if cherished, appreciated, and nurtured. However, the price to gain and maintain material wealth is much greater, especially if you are struggling to get there. 

 

The climb never seems to end and often the fall is greater than the climb.  The more we seem to have, the more we seem to want. However, when we have the love of God, family and friends, there is nothing greater and the road of life is one that involves more happiness than sadness. It is having these blessings that you are truly at the top, even if you are struggling, you are not struggling alone during difficult times. Also consider during this time of the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic the question, what good are your attempts to gain wealth, when you do not have great health?! You won’t be around to enjoy what you gain materially, if your mind, your body, and your spirit are unhealthy. Focus on your health and the wealth will come. Getting to the ‘top’ or being on the proverbial ‘top’ won’t matter if you are on the bottom educationally, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and politically. Further, if you are not willing to stand for what’s right, what’s fair, and what’s just, your drive to reach the ‘top’ might as well be the bottom!!!  

 

 

©2021; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Happy Valentine’s Day: What’s Age Got to Do With Love?

Cougars, cougars everywhere! Tina Turner, a Cougar herself, once asked, “What’s love got to do with it?”  These days the question is not so much about love, as it is about age. A lot of people are asking. ‘What’s age got to do with love?’  Like Tina Turner and her husband, many couples are involved in what are called ‘age-gap relationships’.  And they don’t care about what people say about their relationship or what others think or feel about them having a partner who is five or more years younger than they are. When cupid shoots his arrow, where it will stop, no one knows. All that matters is that love has been found, no matter what age.

 

Age is nothing but a number!  The younger you feel, the younger you think and act.  If you are young at heart, why in the world would you want to deal with someone who doesn’t share your youthfulness?  Who wants to be with someone who can’t keep up with them? Intimacy remains at any age, as long as it’s over the age of consent. And intimacy doesn’t and shouldn’t start with the bed; it should start with the head. N matter what age, sensible, mindful, mature, and coherent conversations should start any relationship. Age does make a major difference in maturity and mindfulness. There is only one time around. You might as well have fun as long as you can, especially when dating.  And who says two people who are years apart in age can’t fall in love?     

 

I believe too many people allow age to determine friendships, love, fun and intimacy.  As long as you can keep up with your partner in love, fun and all forms of intimacy (social, intellectual, sexual, and spiritual), there is nothing wrong with going for it.  If you are older than your partner, don’t try to be the parent.  Hopefully, your partner is looking for experience and not a parent.  Parent your children and not your partner. And if you are younger than your partner, your partner is not your parent. Looking for a parent? Stay home with your own parents and date someone your age. Your age-gap relationship should be an ageless love! 

 

It does takes two to tango!  Are you willing to hang out after hours with your younger partner and compromise on weekend activities, giving up going to bed with the chickens?  Old fuddy duddies are out! It’s about love, fun, fantasy, excitement, and all of the wonderful things that come with being in an ageless relationship.  Now, it doesn’t mean that as a man you have to sag your pants to hang with her and as a woman, it doesn’t mean that you have to wear a mini dress to hang with him!  It’s all about putting age aside, loving yourself, loving the life you live and loving the person you are with. It’s mind over matter; if you mind loving each other, age won’t matter!

 

And women, so what if they call you a ‘cougar’ for dating your younger guy!  If you are that bold, brash, stimulating, mature, sexual, and sensual, go for it!  As long as the two of you are in love with each other and not your ages, it’s okay.  

 

What about your friends and family?  They will talk about you today, but tomorrow, they will return to their own problems and your relationship won’t matter. To tell the truth, some of them wish they had your nerve! And if the relationship doesn’t work, it won’t be any different than other relationships that fail each and every day.  If it fits, go for it! What the heck!  You are both grown and hopefully on your own; free, single, and disengaged! Age IS nothing but a number, especially when it comes to love!

 

 

©2021; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Happy New Year: Review the Old Celebrate the New

“And the Lord answered me and said, Write the vision and make it plain upon the tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie; though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.  

 

The New Year is not the time for you to wallow in regrets of what ifs, cries of if I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, or self-pity. It is time for you to claim and affirm that you are moving forward and not looking back. It is time for you to celebrate life, along with the continued opportunities for change and growth. The year 2020, as are all of the years preceding it are over! Yes, it is important for you to look back every now and then, to glance back, because there are some fond memories that will reside in your heart until the end of your existence. On the other hand, it is imperative that you don’t get caught up with ‘how bad’ your previous year was, instead of focusing on ‘how great’ your New Year can be and will be, with God’s help, grace, mercy, and direction.

 

As I took down my Christmas decorations, it was clear to me how quickly the holidays flew by. It seems as if it was just yesterday when my decorations were retrieved from storage and I engaged in the excitement of putting up the tree, putting on the lights, and putting up other decorations. I smiled with glee and excitement regarding the upcoming holiday season, although different from any Christmas I have ever celebrated in my life. The COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic came in like a thief in the night, putting extra meaning to the Grinch’s attempt to steal Christmas as it had stolen the emotions, minds, spirits, physical being, economic status, food, shelter, and other aspects of the lives of trillions of people in the world. 

 

I decided like many of you, I was not falling prey to my Christmas being stolen. During 2020, I was reminded that through my prayers and my belief in God, even with the loss of so many souls that were taken from this life during the year, along with all of the pain, sadness, and sorrow of so many, that as my mother used to say, “this too shall pass.” I am reminded that just as the holiday season came and went, so too will the challenges and the tests you had to face in 2020. They, too, will pass! As a matter of fact, many of them are already behind you!

 

Instead of focusing on making your yearly New Year’s resolutions, I challenge you to take some time to meditate, reflect, coordinate and develop a written plan of action that you will post in a conspicuous place, where you will be able to read it and touch it on a daily basis. You will make your vision plain and post it as a reminder of what you are working toward. Too often, you might believe that your vision, your mission, and your goals have to be long, drawn out, and confusing. Get to the point! Make them specific and ask for what you need and what you want, and say what needs to be said in as few words as possible. What’s for you is for you and no one can take away your blessings! Don’t wait for days and weeks into this New Year for you to write your mission statement, your vision statement, your goals with an action plan and action steps, as well as your contingency plan. Do it now!

 

 I am keenly aware that 2020 has been very difficult for so many of you, but it is time for you to take a bold stand without shame and without regrets to review the year from beginning to end, allowing yourself to recognize your mistakes and your errors. Don’t waste a lot of time on the losses and errors, by putting your foot in your butt, beating yourself up, engaging in regrets, self-blame, and depressive emotions. I give you permission to move beyond your falls, your falters, and your failures of 2020, by standing tall and speaking aloud your daily affirmations of I CAN, I WILL, I AM! In the midst of the negatives, there were also positives that stood out. Celebrate them and give thanks for them. Here is your opportunity to reform, reframe, refresh, and restart your projects, your relationships, your goals, your direction in life, as well as your life as a whole. 

 

You will not be able to celebrate 2021, as long as you are stuck in 2020. Let go of last year and give yourself permission to celebrate this year. During your review of 2020, don’t just focus on the negatives; also take stock of your accomplishments and the positives. You want to ensure that in 2021, you continue on the paths of success and accomplishments that you traveled in during 2020, without being stuck in the past year.

 

As you review 2020 and celebrate 2021, remember the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Review, reflect, redo, and renew on the year 2020, in preparation for your celebration to commemorate what’s ahead for you during the entire year of 2021!

 

©2021; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Chairs Might Be Empty at the Dinner Table But Love Still Abides

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! The holiday season is something that we all seem to look forward to each year. It is a time that family, friends, and loved ones get together to share joy, peace, and love. The season is usually filled with holiday cheer, parties, gifts, and travel. It is that time above all times where you somehow put disappointments aside in order to enjoy the happiness associated with the season. The season also culminates your years’ journey, as you prepare to embark upon a new year, hoping to leave the negative in the past, as you declare newness and positivity in the upcoming year.

 

However, because of the loss of so many lives, job losses, the loss of homes, lost businesses, lost incomes, lost relationships, the lost of human touches, lost hope, and in some cases the loss of faith surrounding the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic, many of you are still looking forward to the holiday season as a reprieve. However, to the over 268,000 families who have lost loved ones, and the more than 10 million people in the United States who have experienced the ravages of the virus, many of you are not looking forward to the holiday season.

 

I empathize and I sympathize with those of you whom have lost family members, friends, jobs, homes, income, businesses, faith, and hope. I am sure that Thanksgiving was very difficult for so many of you, because this was the first major holiday that you had to deal with an empty chair or empty chairs at the dining table. And even more difficult for so many of you, whether your loved one transitioned from this life to the next realm due to the COVID-19 coronavirus or because of some other malady, you and your family members were not able to physically visit your loved ones or say goodbye in person before they transitioned. As a matter of fact, your family traditions of saying goodbye have been shattered, causing even more pain on top of your pain of loss. 

 

As a psychotherapist I help my clients to deal with various forms of loss and grief, recognizing that although loss can be an unexpected event, as has happened with many COVID-19 coronavirus deaths; grief is a process that has no timeframe. The difficulty about death is that it is never on your calendar, never documented in your daily appointments, and it cannot be predicted. And no matter how many times you are faced with death, you are never prepared; you want your loved ones with you for life. Sadly, the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic has shown that it is not only uncontrollable and unpredictable; the resulting losses have seemed insurmountable.

 

Yes, I know that the holiday season heightens your pain of loss and grief. You did not expect that you would have to bury your mother, your father, your sister, your brother, your grandparents, and especially your children. However, in the midst of your pain, there is the laughter, the love, and the light that was illuminated in the life of your loved one(s) and in your memories of him/her. Although your loss is difficult, it is important for you to remember that your loved one(s) left memories that will forever impact your life, as well as the lives of others with whom they came in contact. It seems easy to mourn the loss of your loved ones, but I challenge you to celebrate the life of your loved one(s) that have transitioned to the next realm.

 

If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one or loved ones for whatever reason, and especially if this is your first holiday season without him/her, here are a few suggestions that can help you to manage your loss and your grief.

 

1.    Keep a daily journal of your feelings and your thoughts.

2.    Cry and shed some tears, but not for a lifetime; cloudy and wet eyes have difficulty allowing the sun to once again shine into your eyes and into your life. 

3.     Share your feelings with family members and close friends.

4.    Get up, open your blinds and your curtains, and get out, even in the midst of the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic you can mask up and take a walk in your yard or your neighborhood.

5.    Begin to take a journey of inner spirituality in order for you to begin to process the loss(es) of your loved one(s) as gains. 

6.    Reach out and check on others who share this loss with you.

7.    If your grief becomes too unbearable, filled with increased depression and anxiety, seek help from a mental health professional either in person or during COVID-19 through telemental health processes.

8.    Take stock of your life as it related to your relationship with/to the loved one(s) you lost.

9.    Behold the blessings and lessons you can now count and cherish as a result of the life meeting that was not by happenstance.

10.   Decide what you will do with the blessings and the lessons you gained from the relationship(s) with your loved one(s), in order to help yourself and others; make written plans to apply the blessings and lessons in real time.

11.  Write the top five things you will miss most about your loved one(s) in your journal.

12.  Write the most memorable events and occasions you shared with your loved one(s) and review them occasionally, with joy & laughter.

13.  Find the most memorable photograph of the two of you and place it in a conspicuous place for you to look at every now and then with a smile.

14.  Take time to reminisce about those great events and experiences in your mind in your heart, with others who share the same memories, holding your loved one(s) dearly, but deciding to let him/her go.

15.  Write the top ten most humorous memories that you have about your loved one(s) and take some time to laugh about them from a gut level, until you cry tears of joy.

16.  Leave a vacant chair at the dinner table for your loved one(s) during the holiday seasons and birthdays, allowing his/her spirit to visit, but allowing his/her spirit to return to his/her newly found home of peace.

17.  Celebrate the life of your loved one(s) on his/her birthday, special occasions, and during the holidays with Zoom and phone contacts, in reality, by remembering the good times, celebrating his/her life and not mourning his/her loss.

18.  Invite family members and friends to share a positive memory of your loved one(s), barring tears and sadness during your Zoom and telephone celebrations.

19.  Salute the memory of your loved one(s) throughout the holiday season by speaking his/her name with love.

20.  Don’t deny your hurt, your pain, and your loss; you will begin to heal with time.

21.  Give yourself permission and time to grieve, remembering that your loved one(s) want you to live after his/her death and if he/she had a choice he/she would still be in this realm with you.

22.  Write a letter to your loved one(s). Place it in your Bible or just read it aloud and tuck it in a safe place. 

23.  Periodically review photo albums, scrapbooks, and other memorabilia pertaining to your loved one(s) while you imagine and laugh.

24.  Take care of yourself; relax, breathe, exercise, meditate, engage in yoga, and engage in your favorite hobbies.

25.  Revisit the hobby you abandoned years prior; take out your old paint brushes and easel; dust off your piano keys or instrument; find new life in these hobbies and avocations 

26.  Pray for the soul of your loved one(s).

27.  Give him/her permission to cross into the next realm.

28.  Release your loved one(s) into the next realm, holding onto his/her memories.

29.  Remember, death and life are processes, not necessarily events. Decide on paper, the process you will use to move forward in and with your life. 

30.  Donate your time, treasures, and talents to groups, charities, and/or organizations in which your loved one(s) invested. 

31.  Donate a meal or funds in the name of your loved one(s) to the hungry, the homeless, or other caused over the holidays.

32.  Take time out of your busy schedule each and everyday to reach into your heart to love yourself and share a dose of love with someone else!

33.  Take time out of your busy schedule to pick up the phone to check on a loved one while he/she still lives, remembering “DEATH IS DONE!”

34.  Remember, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel; clear your eyes and your heart to see it!

35.  Pray daily for your renewed strength, remembering, your loved one has only paid the debt that every human will have to pay at some point. 

 

Although your loved one(s) are no longer with you in the physical realm of this life, know that his/her spirit is with you and he/she still lives within you. Also remember because he/she lives within you, what you do and what you show to others and to the world, as well as how you take care of yourself is a reflection of your loved one(s). Even though there might be an empty seat at the dinner table, and in some cases empty seats, the dinner which you will eat, as well as the table at which you will sit, the room in which you will eat, the house in which you reside, is filled with the love and not the loss of your loved one(s). Although your loved one(s) is/are gone from this physical realm, their love and memories still reside in your heart and you are still connected in the spiritual realm!

 

Keep the faith, keep praying and allow God to lead you and love you! Love abides in the midst of loss!!

 

©2020; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

When You Have Done All You Can You Must Stand

During these tumultuous times, you are probably trying to figure out what to do to remain safe, sane, healthy, and alive. I am sure that at times things seem to be coming at you from all sides and you don’t know what to do about them. You’ve asked over and over, “What’s going on?” “Lord why me?” It would be great if you only had to deal with one dilemma or one storm at a time, but it often seems as if you are having to deal with multiple dilemmas and multiple storms at the same time, many that are out of your control. And in 2020, even greater dilemmas and greater storms are the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic, as well as the mess that’s going on in the white house that has entered into your house, without an invitation.

 

You try your best to handle situation after situation, but it seems as if the pain, the rain, and the storms keep pounding on you and around you, with no end in sight. And you dare to ask the proverbial questions, ‘What’s next?’ or ‘What else can happen?’ The reality is, and you are keenly aware that you probably don’t want to know what’s next, nor do you want to know what else can happen; next and what else can more than likely be worse than what you are already dealing with. 

 

As you are confronted with the trials, tribulations, storms, and other battles, and perils of life, it seems as if you can’t make it through and you don’t know which way to go. What happened to your friends and family members? Sometimes it seems as if you are battling by yourself. And when people ask you how are you doing, you often reply, ‘I’m going through a lot!’ Often your response is indicative of what is actually taking place with you; you are ‘going through.’ Your response to the inquiry of your state of mind, your state of health, and your state of life is rarely, ‘I’m in a lot.’ The fact that you replied with ‘I’m going through’ is an indication that you are not stuck in whatever is going on with you or around you; you are coming out, because you are just passing through! This declaration itself should be a reason for you to stand.

 

Enough does get to be enough! But what can you do about any of the unfortunate situations in which you find yourself having to battle? You’ve prayed, you’ve cried, you’ve blamed God, and on many occasions you’ve tried to bargain with Him. Sometimes you have to just sit with yourself and begin to observe yourself instead of participating with yourself. Take stock of your situation(s), being realistic of what you can do abut them, what you are willing to do about them, and decide which of them you need to completely let go and turn over to God. At some point you will mature enough where you will learn to take your trials and tribulations to God from the onset of their entrance into your life. You know He doesn’t need your help. But whatever you do, you must hold on, not throw in the towel and do whatever you can, allowing yourself to once again stand.

 

Famous gospel singer Donnie McClurkin has a hit song that plainly states, “After You’ve Done All You Can, You Just Stand.” You must be realistic bout what you can do and what you cannot do. When you think about it, you have been this way before. It might not have been the exact same situation, but you have had storms, rain, trials, and tribulations occur in your life before, and God saw you through them, He will see you through your current storms and any other ones that will appear in your life. And believe me, once you get past one storm, one dilemma, and one uninvited situation, there is another one lurking over the horizon. However, whatever is going on in your life, you must stand! 

 

Get out of that bed, get out of that chair and stand! The longer you lie in your bed or linger in your comfy chair, the longer you will wallow in the pain of your rain, your winds, your storms, your dilemmas, your trials, and your tribulations. Think about it; you’ve never seen anyone fighting from his or her bed or from his or her comfy chair. They are always standing when they fight. Lying down and lingering in your bed or your comfy chair will only take your strength, rendering you even more helpless and hopeless. However, your stand is a stance in preparation for anything that comes against you. Your stand is an affirmation to declare as Fred Hammond sang, “No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper.” You will then be able to go on to repeat Psalm 23:1, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” Your stand also makes you bolder, where you can proclaim Psalm 27:1, “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear.”

 

You have cried and prayed, and hopefully you have voted in order for you to have a positive impact in lessening, reversing, and eliminating the storms in your life, as well as those in the lives of others. You’ve called on your friends, at least the ones that have remained with you in the midst of your trials, tribulations, rains, and storms of life, as well as family embers, but remember, many of them are also facing their own life storms. On the other hand, many of them don’t want to hear about your life storms; they are fair weather friends. If the weather isn’t fair, to good, or great in your life, they are no longer friends. But no matter what, you will move past whatever is taking place in your life; you just STAND! Things will get better, but you must be in a position of power and authority to not only see them when thy get better, but to also receive the transformation and blessings that come with the better times.  God owns your house, but remember He also owns the white house, as well as the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic. “When you have done all you can you must stand!” God’s got it! 

 

You’ve got God; you will weather this and any other storms! It’s up to you to do all that you can, no matter how things look with you and around you.  No matter what things look like in your house, no matter what they look like in your neighbor’s house, no matter what they look like in the white house, remember that you can stand, knowing that God has the finally say! Donnie McClurkin also reminds you that “You Can Get Back Up Again!” Getting up and standing after your storms makes you better and not bitter. Your stand will be the evidence of your testimony to the tests you have passed as you weathered the storms of your life, whether they were invited or uninvited. “When You Have Done All You Can You Must Stand!” 

 

©2020; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Know Your Gravediggers from Your Pallbearers

“For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me in.” Matthew 25:35

 

 

I am sure that you, like me, enjoy the comforts of having people in your life, with whom you can have at least a modicum of trust. You want to ensure that your family members, your friends, your coworkers, and your colleagues have your back. You most certainly expect more from your family members and your friends, especially if there is a positive relationship. Sadly, some of the people you identify as friends don’t see you the same way you see them, and they don’t reciprocate the same treatment to you, that you show to them.

 

The year 2020, has brought about so many challenges and seeming insurmountable odds for so many people around the world, but especially in this country. The COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic has taken the lives of over 205,000 people and over six million have tested positive for the virus in America. Small businesses have closed, people have been evicted from their homes, millions are unemployed, millions are experiencing mental health disorders, and millions more are feeling helpless and hopeless. It’s during this time that friends and family are important assets. Notice that I used the word “assets.” And if you fit into any of the aforementioned challenging categories listed above, you are keenly aware of the importance of having people around you who stand by you, stand with you, as well as those who lend a helping hand, are willing to pick you up when you fall, and pull you up when you’re down. These people are true assets. 

 

There is an old saying, ‘a friend in need, is a friend in deed,’ As you experience challenges, you are most certainly more in need of support and assistance from people whom you believe care about you and have your back, including family and friends. I am keenly aware that some of your family members and friends might have the same level of need as you, and some might have an even greater level of need than you. Whatever the need, the question is what can you and your family members and friends do and what are you and your family members and friends willing to do to support and help each other during these challenging and difficult times? Either you all will deny and denounce each other and refuse to provide the help that you are capable of providing, or you all will take a realistic assessment of the needs of each other and assess the levels of assistance you are capable of providing to and for each other. Until outcome meets needs, there will still be challenges and problems.

 

In order to seriously understand if someone has your back and is willing to be there for you in a time of need, it is imperative that you know how your family members and friends will respond to the question often asked, ‘Am I my brothers’ or my sisters’ keeper? The answer must be an astounding YES! If the answer to the question is no or there is hesitancy in the response, you might want to reconsider your relationship with those family members and those people you consider to be your friends.

 

True friends, family members, and honest coworkers and colleagues with integrity will be there for you when the chips are down, when the world turns its back on you, when you are in need of comfort, when you have lost your job, when you have lost your way, when you are hungry, when you are sad, when you are grieving, when you are down and out, when you are depressed, as a matter of fact, no matter what is going on, if they are ‘true’ friends, family members, coworkers, and colleagues they will be there for you. These ‘true’ relationships will stand even if you are in quick sand and they will stand the tests of time. It’s during these times that you do not need silent partners, people hiding in shadows, people not returning your phone calls, people not responding to your text messages and emails, people going missing, or people pretending that they don’t know what’s going on. It’s during your times of struggles, times of weariness, and times of need that you need people in your life who will stand for you and with you, people who will not only say something, they will do something!

 

There are many of you who believe that people’s needs are always financial. However, providing money is not the only way for you to stand by and stand with so-called friends, favorite family members, co-workers or colleagues in need. There are times when a phone call will help, a kind word will make a difference, a friendly greeting card will brighten your day, or a daily or weekly check-in to check up on you will keep your hope alive. Either these people are for you or they are against you. You have to decide if they are assets or liabilities and if they are there to bury you alive or revive you when you need a lifeline.

 

My wise mother used to say, “Know Your Gravediggers from Your Pallbearers.” Simply put, you have to decide if the people in and around your life will stand for you and with you during times of stress and/or distress, or during any of the aforementioned perils cited above. Will they be willing to pick you up, hold you up, carry you along, or will they run away from you, leave you when you’re down, step on you, hold you down, or keep a knee on your neck, with their feet on your back, with their shoes on, while you are down. 

 

Your gravediggers help to put you in the ground. They go out of their way to not only put you in harms way, they do all they can to keep you in harms way. They will dig the grave for you through lies, avoidance tactics, slander, libel, racism, and conspiracy theories, as they talk about what’s wrong with you, how they believe you fell done, as well as how you contributed to your current down status and struggles. They will place their knees on your neck, their feet on your back, with their shoes on. They will encourage and help others to do the same. Your gravediggers will help to throw dirt on you and bury you while you are under, and feeling down and out. Their intent is to keep you under, down and out, without ever attempting to pick you up and revive you. In all actuality, your gravediggers are out for your very life. They will either take your life themselves or they will help to set others up for your demise. After all, they are gravediggers! You must be very careful! Gravediggers will often present themselves as pallbearers, in order for them to enter into your life and into your space. However, you must watch and pray each and everyday for you to be able to behold their imposter status, causing their “imposter card” to be revoked.

 

You will find that your gravediggers are out for what you can do for them, and not what they can do for you. They are looking for position, power, prestige, prominence and whatever they can get from you, at any cost, and at your expense.  They will hide in shadows and do everything that they can to avoid helping you during your time of need and struggle. Here is an opportunity for you to engage in honest relationship checkups with your close friends, family members, coworkers, and colleagues, to see if they fit in the gravedigger status of your life. If they do, you have a serious decision to make about how you want to relate to these people. As my mother used to say, these are people you might want to ‘feed out of a long-handle spoon.’

 

On the other hand, your pallbearers are there for you, based on your needs, not on their wants. They will pick you up when you are down, they will pull you up when you can’t get up; they will carry you when you cannot stand or cannot walk. They will do their best to rescue you from harm and to keep you out of harms way. They will talk with you and not about you, and they won’t talk against you. And if they don’t have the means or the resources to meet your needs, they will guide you, lead you, and help you to find the right and proper resources to meet your needs. As a matter of fact, your pallbearers will escort you and stand with you as you maneuver through the maze of trials, tribulations, and struggles. Your pallbearers will have your back and you won’t have to look for them; they will seek you, in order to ascertain your needs. They don’t need a crowd or an audience to stand by you or to pick you up; they will do it if they have to do it alone, with no one to help and no one watching. At the same time, they will stand with you, stand by you, and speak up for you in the presence of those people who consider themselves to be your enemies. They’re not looking for praise or promises; they are genuine. 

 

Your pallbearers will love you when you are up and when you are down, when you have, as well as when you are broke, busted, and disgusted. They will go out of their way to ensure that you are not just okay, but that you are alright, and they don’t leave you until they are assured that you are in a place of stability, mind, body, and spirit. 

 

Sometimes we have difficulty recognizing and accepting those persons in our lives who truly love us, care for us, and have our best interests at heart. Unfortunately, many of you tend to gravitate toward the gravediggers in your life, trying to fit and assimilate with them, while overlooking your pallbearers. Once again, here is an opportunity for you to engage in honest relationship checkups with your close friends, family members, coworkers, and colleagues, to see if they fit in the pallbearer status of your life. If they do, it is time for you to reach out to them and thank them for what they have done for you in the past, for their support of and for you in the present, as well as your appreciation for their support in the future. It’s time for you to thank your pallbearers for just being them. It doesn’t take much to do so. Pick up the phone and just say thank you! You can send a greeting card. Both of these acts of humility, thanks, and appreciation are much more personal than an email or a text. 

 

Give God the praise and the glory for both the gravediggers and the pallbearers in your life. Your gravedigger experiences only make you stronger, wiser, more aware, more cautious, more humble, and more appreciative to God for your pallbearers. They will most certainly keep you on your knees, with your eyes and your hands lifted toward heaven. Your pallbearer experiences are immeasurable. They will keep you appreciative, thankful to God, with your head up, with an open and thankful heart, as well as more caring and appreciative of others.

 

This day, I challenge you to get to “Know your Gravediggers from Your Pallbearers!” This action should also extend to the 2020 election. We have seen an administration filled with gravediggers. It’s time for you, your true friends, trusted coworkers and colleagues to rid yourselves of the gravediggers in your life, on your job, in the current administration and those in anyway connected to you. Hold onto your known pallbearers and cast your vote for those who will take you through a pallbearer experience and not a gravedigger experience after November 3, 2020. You need assets, not liabilities!

 

 

©2020; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

A Change is Going to Come

Many years ago, the late Sam Cooke sang the song “A Change is Going to Come.” The late Otis Redding and Aretha Franklin also did remakes of the song, believing that a “Change is Going to Come.” In many ways, the question is, did these famous people live long enough to see the changes they were looking to take place? Because Sam Cook and Otis Redding died at an early age, there is no way that they could have seen changes occur. They still lived under laws of racism and segregation.

 

Over fifty years later, one of today’s greatest young singers, Jennifer Hudson once again sang, “A Change is Going to Come,” during the 2020, Democratic Convention. It is evident that Sam, Otis, and Aretha never saw the change they sang about and fought for. Aretha had an opportunity to see a lot more change and she was heavily involved in the Civil Rights Movement She fought for human rights and for racial equality. 

 

Unfortunately, the racism, sexism, inequalities, inequities, and other discrimination that has plagued this country for over four hundred years still exist. I am sure that you, like me, have been praying and crying for positive change all of our lives. No matter what race, creed, or color, everyone strives to be free, to be treated as humans, treated with dignity and respect. No one wants to remain poor all of their life, or to be disenfranchised, strapped with feelings of helpless and hopeless, in a system designed to maintain the status quo of the haves and have not’s. A change has to come!

 

When people are asking for and looking for change, they are requesting that people, things, ideas, actions, and circumstances become different. They are looking for something other than what has been the status quo. However, until the hearts and minds of men and women in control of this country, based on the power of the purse, manipulation, unjust laws, and unjust polices change, situations and circumstances will remain the same. Change does not occur without accountability and action.

 

Those of us in need of change in America’s racist behaviors, sexist behaviors, economic deprivation, voter and other suppression, political manipulation, unjust laws and polices, as well as other forms of disenfranchisement seek instant change. However, those in position of power and control previously alluded to in this article, espouse that it takes time for change. We are well aware that change can occur instantly, if people are willing to take the necessary action to make change occur. One thing all of us know is that change is most often a choice. Yes, there are times when you and I are not in control of the changes that occur in our lives. However, we can control how we view the changes, as well as how we adjust to them when they occur. Many of these changes are events that just happen and things can become different, right in front of our faces. Death is not only one of those instant events of change; it is a permanent event of change that you, I, and no one else can control or do anything about. At times, there are incremental changes, which we all go through as human beings, progressing from babies to adults; crawling, to standing, to walking, and then running. But we still ask the question Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. asked over fifty years ago, “How Long Lord; How long?

 

Those of us still looking for racial justice, civil rights, voting rights, economic justice, health equity, political and other equities are looking for positive change that is also permanent, like death. We are looking for change that makes things better for ALL people, not just for the time at hand, but also for a lifetime. It’s been over fifty years ago since Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Medgar Evers, Shirley Chisholm, Jesse Jackson, Congressman John Lewis, Myrlie Evers, Aretha Franklin, Harry Belafonte, Hosea Williams, the Freedom Riders, and too many others to name, fought vehemently for change in the civil rights of all people. Sadly, in 2020, Black people, Brown people, American Indians, and Whites are still fighting for change to take place. Even more unfortunate, the change has not been an event, and it has not been incremental; it has not occurred at all.

 

The guy in the white house, along with his crooked allies and crooked cronies have done and continue to do all that they can to block any type of positive change in the lives of Blacks, Browns, American Indians, and the poor. They work daily, scheming to keep the disenfranchised and the have not’s poor, down, and out, no matter what color.   He is filled with hate, anger, racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, lies, and too many negative attributes to list. He has done all that he can do to hold African-Americans, Brown people, American Indians, and poor whites down. He has down all that he can to destroy public education, health insurance, federal economic programs, early childhood programs, federal housing programs, federal and state employment programs, federal training programs, as well as any program that will benefit those who are not rich and famous. A change has got to come!!! 

 

Change will never happen for you, for others, and for me, in this country on its own. We must make change happen. Professionally and personally, I don’t believe people change, because they can always go back to the way they were and engage in the same behaviors they were engaged in previously. I believe people grow through awareness, insight, and understanding. Once they have matriculated through these three growth processes, they can then change their feelings, their mindsets, and ultimately change their behaviors. They can then change how they see people, how they treat people, come to value people and value their rights an their lives. A change has got to come!

 

Over 187,000 American citizens have died of the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic, and over six million American citizens have tested positive for the virus. Relations with American allies have been ruined; Russia is now a friend who interferes in our elections; Medicaid is not an option in Republican states; the children, family, and friends of the guy in the white house are all capitalizing on the funds from the federal government; a guy call president has been impeached, but has not been removed from office; African-American males ate being shot and killed by police officers at will; white supremacists are held in esteem; the unemployment rate for African-Americans loom in double digits; thousands of small businesses have gone under; lie after lie is being told from the white house, the head of the CDC, and the FDA; and the incompetence in personnel is the norm and not the exception in the white house; military men and women are being denigrated and disrespected; the United States Postal Service (UPS) has been all but decimated as the guy in the white house overtly works to steal the 2020 election. All of these things are happening because an egotistical, racist, sexist, vain, narcissistic, incompetent, mentally unstable guy in the white house stole the 2016 presidential election, in order to gain entry into the white house. A change MUST come, SOON!

 

You and everyone connected to you are essential in ensuring that “A Change is Going to Come,” SOON! You and everyone else must start speaking positive change, believing in positive change, and taking action for positive change. Do not allow yourself to be subjected to negative talk about the coming change. Challenge those spreading negative rumors about the outcome of the upcoming November 3, 2020 election, remaining the same, but without arguing with anyone. Have your elevator speech prepared. Be prepared to defend positive change in America, with positive outcomes. You must recognize that things will not get better without positive change; they will get worse. And DON’T allow anyone to ask you and don’t ask, ‘how much worse can things get?’ You DON’T want to know. As the Temptations once sang, “We’re on the Eve of Destruction.” However, you can impact ensuring that “A Change is Going to Come.” 

 

You can ensure that you, your friends, your family members, acquaintances, and especially young people are registered to vote. You can also assist by helping them to understand the process for registering to vote, as well as the process for them to vote in the November 3, 2020, election, especially starting with early voting. You can also help them to see that the 2020, election is a matter of life and death, including your life, their lives, and the lives of everyone in this country.  Positive change is a choice and I present you with the opportunity to choose positive change. Yes, “A Change is Coming”; but you have to be a part of making the change happen!!!

 

©2020; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com