Unconditional Self-Love Opens the Door for You to Receive Love

I am sure that you want to have a healthy relationship with a significant other. As a matter of fact, you probably want to be loved by someone special and to share love with that special someone. However, until you learn to love you, you will have difficulty sharing and receiving love with and from others. In other words, you will be emotionally crippled, rendering you incapable of freely loving others. As the Isley Brothers once sang, “Love the One You’re with.” That person is YOU!

Becoming engaged in a healthy relationship doesn’t start with others; it starts with you. You must take the opportunity to freely love yourself unconditionally. In all actuality, you will have difficulty having, engaging in, maintaining, and enjoying healthy relationships until you can live in and enjoy the freedom of self-love. If you don’t love you, how in the world do you expect someone else to love you?!

Isn’t it amazing how much you want to give and share love with others? And you wonder why it seems as if whenever you find that special someone to love, the relationship doesn’t work out. Although you pour your heart, your soul, and your very being into the relationship, it seems to always end in failure. You’ll often find that the failure of your efforts to have, hold, and maintain a healthy and loving relationship is basically because of your seeming inability to love you first. As a matter of fact, there are many of you who not only don’t love yourself; you don’t even like yourself! You can’t stand to see yourself in the mirror and you even despise being with you!

Until you learn to unselfishly (and sometimes selfishly) like yourself and love yourself, you will continue to have difficulty liking, loving, and accepting others. And if you don’t see your inner beauty when you look in the mirror, or you don’t want to be with you, how do you expect others will see and accept your beauty or want to be with you?

If you don’t hold yourself in high esteem, because of your low self-esteem, others will not hold you in esteem. You must come to see your own value, self-worth, and benefit to self and others. This doesn’t mean that you have to be vain, cocky, arrogant, or egotistical. However, it does mean that you are confident in the person you are, loving every pound; no matter how many pounds you carry. It means that you see yourself as a one-of-a-kind wonder created by God. You are no fake and you don’t have to perpetrate a fraud. As a matter of fact, you are the REAL deal!!! It means that you can proudly claim, ‘I AM SOMEBODY ‘CAUSE GOD DOESN’T MAKE JUNK!’

In order for you to move from self-hatred to self-love, you must first gain awareness as to how you really feel about yourself, as well as why you feel the way you do about you. Often, when you don’t love you, you put yourself in danger. You don’t believe you deserve the best; you sabotage opportunities and healthy relationships; and you engage in unhealthy situations and unhealthy relationships. As a matter of fact, you put everyone else above you; everyone matters but you!

Although you are constantly seeking a sense of belongingness from others, you won’t be able to feel as if you truly belong to and with others, until you accept yourself and gain an affinity toward yourself. You will find yourself growing through the process of self-awareness, by discovering and admitting how you feel about yourself.

Your self-awareness will then allow you to gain insight into your feelings toward yourself, as well as who you are, what you desire, and what makes you tick. Gaining insight will broaden your self-knowledge and show that you are no longer willing to avoid getting closer to you. As a matter of fact, it forces you to spend quality time with you. The better you know you, the greater your fondness and love for you.

Once you have gained an awareness and insight about who you are, how you feel about you, and why you feel the way you do about you, it is time for you to move to greater levels of understanding bout you. You must begin to look in your various life drawers in order to recognize, face, and confront issues that have plagued you and prohibited you from loving you. It’s time for you to stop compartmentalizing issues, situations, and circumstances in your life, and deal with them.

As you continue along your journey of achieving self-love, you must rid yourself of the mess and the stress that has plagued your life. In order to do this, you must forgive yourself. You won’t be the first nor the last person who has fallen, faltered, or failed. You must stop blaming yourself, disliking yourself, and on many occasions, hating yourself. For what you did or didn’t do in life. This stuff is in your PAST and you have PASSED the unpleasant times in your life. Get over it and move on!!!

Until you learn to truly forgive yourself, letting go of the falls, falters, and failures of your life, you will continue to have difficulty allowing others to love you and accept you, just as you are! Once you forgive yourself, you will then forfeit your negative behaviors of self-sabotaging and begin to believe that you not only deserve love, you deserve the best!

You must stop looking on the outside to fix your inside. Stop allowing society to provide the love measurement gauge, which you use in order to determine your love for you.  Recognize that not everyone wants you to experience happiness…self-love is the first step to happiness.  Therefore, you must begin to clean your life house of people, situations, and circumstances that no longer fit in your life. That man or that woman is either an asset or a liability in your life. If your mate, your friends, and family members aren’t rallying with you to love you, they are rallying against you to love them. God is the only one in the center of your life circle with you. You must begin to place people on the right levels of your life circle.

You are now well on your way to loving yourself or to increasing the love you have for yourself, unselfishly, unconditionally, without shame, guilt, or regrets. It is time for you to love you the way God loves you…UNCONDITIONALLY!

Take Out Your Pen & Paper

1.     List the negative feelings you are now aware of, that have kept you from loving you. Now that you are aware of the negative feelings you have toward you, you can change them by stating aloud on a daily basis, the opposite of the negative feeling. ‘Angry-Calm’; “Sad-Happy’; ‘Ugly-Beautiful’ Instead of saying ‘I am angry,’ say ‘I AM CALM!’ ‘I AM BEAUTIFUL!’ ‘I AM WORTHY!’ ‘I AM VALUABLE!’ USE THE POWER OF ‘I AM!’ The statement you use after ‘I AM,’ will dictate how and whom you are, as well as how you feel about you. ‘I AM SOMEBODY111’

2.     List the top five negative characteristics you have used to keep you from loving you. Develop an action plan to help you to overcome these negative characteristics and strengthen the positive characteristics.

3.     List the top five reasons why you don’t like/love you. For each reason, write what you can do and what you are willing to do to overcome these hindrances and obstacles.

4.     List the top three to five past negative experiences for which you have not forgiven yourself. Place a large ‘X’ over each experience to mark them inactive. Shred the list and dispose of it in an outside trashcan, without looking back! LET THEM GO!!

5.     List the negative liabilities in your life that help contribute to your negative feelings about you (people, situations & circumstances). Decide if any of these liabilities can become assets (or do you want them to become assets), with modification or change. If not, GET RID OF THEM!!

6.     Start thinking and positively about yourself and your life on a daily basis. Speak favor and positivity over you and your life. Choose a positive word a day to symbolize your love for you!

7.     Celebrate your newfound love for yourself. Buy something special for yourself; go to the movies with you; take a trip with you. Send yourself flowers. Just love yourself!

8.     LOOK IN THE MIRROR & SEE THE NEW YOU---LOVING YOU unconditionally and unselfishly!

If you are unable to take this journey to rectify your self-hatred on your own, seek help from a professional coach or mental health professional, who can help you to get the job done! It will show you care about you!!

©2015; J.Morley Productions, Inc; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570;

             www.doctorjoyce.com

Twelve Characteristics Needed to Build Lasting Relationships

Not only do we celebrate Father’s Day during the month of June, June has also been recognized as the month for marital bliss to take place. For decades, June has been touted as the month when many men decide that it is time for them to surrender their player card and exit the player club, by finally committing to a long-lasting relationship…WITH ONE PERSON!!

I am sure when many of you consider engaging in relationships, you are probably looking for that special one that will stand the test of time. The problem is, how often do you stop and consider all of the hard work that is necessary for you to find and engage in healthy, positive, and long-lasting relationships? Also, how often have you stopped to consider the hard work it takes to maintain and retain these relationships once you find them?

It is very easy to engage in a situation of convenience with someone else, for the short term, but it is an entirely different story when you embark upon a committed relationship that you desire for the long haul. Many of you are probably looking for that relationship that will last for a lifetime, when you are only putting forth behaviors that will bring you situations for the short term. If you would truly like to have healthy and positive relationships that will last for the long haul, you must understand and put forth actions that will ensure the type of relationships you desire. These types of relationships don’t just happen; they are built, and they must be built on a solid foundation!! However, if you want them to last, you must also maintain that solid foundation!

It is imperative that you recognize, and understand that the way you start your relationship will determine how the relationship will continue…if it continues at all. Anything worth having is truly worth working hard for; a healthy, positive relationships should be no exception! When you have the right and proper ingredients and you are willing to invest them in your relationships from the onset, you determine how your relationships will continue, if at all, as well as their longevity.

As a matter of fact, if you and your mate are willing to invest in the characteristics necessary for your relationship to flourish and last, you will come to recognize that your investment in your relationship is also an investment in you and in each other. In other words, your relationship investments are sure to yield you positive and healthy returns; not just for the time at hand, but for a lifetime! What you put into your relationship is what you will get out of it…get ready for a hefty return for a lifetime!!

“Twelve Characteristics Needed to Build Lasting Relationships”

You must have a relationship:

1.     That has God as the head and at the helm-It’s important that you recognize that you are not in control of anything in your life. You must be willing to surrender you and your relationship to a higher power and trust that this power (I call God) knows what’s best for you. By having a greater power lead and guide your relationship, it allows you to do the right things for you and your relationship on a daily basis. As a matter of fact, this greater power provides a protective covering for you an your relationship.

2.     That starts out at least in the same chapter of the same book-You and your mate must have many things in common and be able to relate at the same level. You must at least share some of the same beliefs, values, goals, attitudes, as well as spiritual and other aspirations. Some might call this being ‘evenly yoked.’ You must also be willing to work closely with your mate to move from the same chapter to the same page, in the same book.

3.     That allows both of you to be yourself while committed to the relationship: This freedom to be you doesn’t allow either of you to rape the other of your beliefs, your ideas, your dreams, your hopes, and your feelings. It is important that you and your mate respect each other enough to allow each to be him/herself, without trying to change each other or to parent each other. Anyhow, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!

4.     That has an agenda (not a selfish one, but a couple’s agenda)-It is important for you and your mate to have a relationship agenda. The same way you develop a work agenda each day, week, or month, you must have a relationship agenda that encompasses relationship expectations, individual and couple’s goals, as well as timelines. This agenda should encompass both of your individual and couple’s aspirations for the relationship, including children, finances, worshipping, fun, travel, work, weekly dating, etc. 

5.     Where you bring your own happiness & share it with each other…NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU AHPPY!! You must have a modicum of internal happiness that you use to not only sustain you, but to also share with your mate. You must realize that you can enhance your mate’s happiness, nut not try to give or make him/her happy. If you or your mate don’t recognize your inner happiness, with which each of us is endowed, there will probably be feelings of neediness, low self-esteem, fears of rejection, sadness, depression, control, anxiety, fears of loneliness, isolation, etc., that could jeopardize the stability, sustainability, and longevity of your relationship.  

6.     That is built on honesty-There is no such thing as a “small white lie!” A lie is a lie, is a lie, and once you start telling a lie, you must tell another to cover the one you previously told. To exhibit honesty is for you to show your mate respect. It is a sign of transparency on all sides and allows your mate to see you as a human being; someone who can and will make mistakes, but not tell lies. Your honesty indicates your love and trust for your mate.   

7.     That is built on trust-Trust is earned, not given. The honesty that you share and display will most certainly forge the trust you will gain from your mate and vice versa. If you can’t be trusted, you won’t be respected. Like respect, once lost, trust is very difficult to recover, but essential for your relationship to last.

8.     That is embedded with respect-Like trust, respect is earned and not given. You must exude a great level of trust through your words, works, deeds, and actions, in order to be respected. You must be a woman/man of your word and stand for something or you will fall for anything. Your character and overall being determines your level of respect. Like trust, once lost, respect is difficult to recover, but essential for the longevity of your relationship.

9.     That is built on selflessness (Give & Take; (60/40, 80/20…) SHARING & CARING-Men, because society, your mother, and many other women have allowed you to build your life on selfishness from the time of your youth, you cannot carry this characteristic into a relationship you hope to become or continue to be a long-lasting relationship. You must become selfless. Sometimes it’s not all about you and what you want; it’s about others. It means compromising and putting your ego aside. Women, being selfless in your relationship does not mean you become a doormat, doorknob, light switch, or invisible entity. It is caring and sharing with clear and succinct boundaries; it is positively reciprocating what you give and what you get. It is sometimes genuinely putting your mate first and taking a back seat. Either way, being selfless means taking care of yourself while sharing your total self with your mate, unconditionally. However, it DOES NOT mean reckless abandonment of you!!! 

10.  That bands blame, but reveres accountability & responsibility—Your positive, healthy, and lasting relationship must be blame-free. Blaming is a form of shaming, and that’s not the fiber or base on which you want your relationship to be built. There is nothing wrong with falling, faltering, or failing; the problem is when you don’t get back up and take responsibility for the errors of your ways. It is admitting you made a mistake, taking responsibility and being accountable for your mistakes and your behaviors. It’s not only accepting responsibility and being accountable for your behaviors, it is atoning to your mate for your behaviors and developing a plan of action that will allow you to not repeat the same actions and/or behaviors. And if you cannot take on the full level of accountability and responsibility, here is the time for you to engage in psychotherapy with a mental health professional. If you are not willing to exit the blaming cycle and become accountable and take responsible for your behaviors, you will engage in self-destructive and relationship-destructive behaviors, guaranteed to stop your relationship building process!

11.  That is filled with forgiveness-Yes, I know; it is hard to forgive when your mate has trampled on you, emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, and financially. It does hurt to the core. However, to engage in and maintain a positive, healthy, and long-lasting relationship, you must learn to forgive. Forgiveness starts with forgiving you, allowing you to forgive others. Forgiving does not mean accepting the behavior(s) and/or actions, but it does mean accepting your mate with his/her flaws, mistakes, and other seemingly egregious behaviors. It is releasing your mate from the behaviors and/or actions that he/she has agreed to no longer engage. And remember, it is incumbent of you to forgive, but it is also incumbent of your mate to make atonement and cure the wrong committed. It is important that through forgiveness, you don’t engage in enabling and denial, which are behaviors that will not only stagnate the growth of your relationship; but will also sabotage your relationship and diminish your very being.

12.  That maintains the fire of love that your relationship was founded on…keep putting logs on the fire-Remember, the same thing it took to get your mate, it will take the same thing to keep him/her. It is imperative that you don’t try to renege on your promises, your vows, and your commitment to your mate. You must not only continue to invest in your relationship and your mate as you did in order to reel him/her in, you must take your investment up another notch. As you grow and get better, your relationship should grow and get better. There are several areas that are imperative for you to maintain, retrain, and entertain on a daily basis, in order to ensure that your relationship lasts for the long haul.   

a.     Keeping up your outer appearance

b.     Maintaining your high self-esteem

c.     Recognizing that chivalry is not dead

d.     Engaging in giving daily positive compliments & daily positive conversations

e.     Engaging in daily loving physical and emotional touches

f.      Engaging your regular weekly dates (designated the same day of each week)

g.     Recognizing your King & Queen status, both privately and publicly

h.     Showing off each other; not going off on each other, both privately and publicly

i.      Engaging in love making, not sex. You can have sex with anybody, but you make love to and with your mate everyday…mind, body & spirit!!

©2015; J.Morley Productions; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; www.doctorjoyce.com;  770-808-6570

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean You Have to Stop Caring

Happy Mother's Day! Mother's Day is always an exciting time of the year, not only for mothers, but also for the children of mothers, including the young, middle aged, and those that are older. No matter how old you are, there are fond memories of your mother or the person who assumed the role of your mother.

As human beings, if there is one thing that all of us have in common, it is that each of us has a mother, whether alive or deceased, biological or surrogate. There are many of you who have been fortunate enough to have women in your lives, although not your biological mothers, they have served in the role of mother throughout your life. The problem is that too often you take your mothers for granted, not giving her the props she deserves.

 However, because many women might not demand and assume their God-given positions in life, unless ‘given’ or ‘assigned’ to them by someone else, it doesn’t grant their children, mate, friends, family members, and others the right to take their kindness for weakness. But, until you, as a woman, and especially if you are a mother, come to realize and recognize your self-worth and overall value, you will continue to allow others to usurp your energy, obstruct your current and future life’s view, as well as obstruct your life direction.

As a woman, you must learn to let go and stop trying to fix everyone, every thing, and recognize that you cannot continue to carry the eight of the world on your shoulders. As a matter of fact, your shoulders are not large enough to continue to carry everything and everyone. LER IT GO; LET THEM GO! I know you love them, but it’s okay!

Being the youngest of fourteen children, my siblings and I were born to an immigrant father and an immigrant maternal grandmother. Although my mother died when I was twenty-seven years of age, I was blessed beyond measure to have had her in my life and to learn about establishing clear and consistent boundaries with people, situations, and circumstances, when necessary. She also taught me how to let go, even when I still cared.  I have also been fortunate to have three surrogate mothers in my life, who took over where my mother left off upon her death, leading, guiding, and advising me. Like my mother, these strong women have also helped me to further know when I need to let go of people, situations, and circumstances, even if I still had feelings. All of these women helped me to know when to hold them and when to fold them. I

No matter what the story is, it is imperative that you begin to assess and determine the people, situations, and circumstances that fit into your life; not only in the present, but also in the future. And when people, situations, and circumstances become a liability and not an asset, it is time to let go! Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care, it simply means it’s time for you to move on and turn that person, situation, or circumstance over to the cosmos and let a higher power take over.

 So often, mothers and women in general are not given their props. However, because women might not demand their God-given positions in life, and they might allow themselves to be ‘given’ or ‘assigned’ their positions, it doesn’t give their children, their mate, their friends, their family members, or others the right to take their kindness for weakness. When you as a woman, and especially as a mother, come to realize and recognize your self-worth and value, you will no longer allow others to usurp your energy and obstruct your current and future positive view of life. You will come to recognize that letting go doesn’t diminish who you are; and you can still care. It means that you have finally made a decision as to whom and what you will tolerate.    

Even into adulthood, we expect our mothers to still assume responsibility for us. We can be as old as dust, but if and when things go wrong, as they sometimes will, the first name we call is "Mama" or "Mother." Some of you might not have a healthy relationship with your mother. However, at some point in your life, you must recognize that in order for you to move forward, you must begin to forgive and let go. And mothers, at some point, you must also learn when to let go of your adult children, other situations, circumstances, and other people who no longer fit in your life, and move on. And you probably find it difficult as a mother or surrogate mother to let go; because of the feelings you have for your child, other people, certain situations and circumstances. The reality is you can let go, with love!

 Although mothers aren't the only ones who have difficulty letting go because of unresolved emotions, society and those connected to mothers and women in general, expect them to hold on to people, situations, and circumstances, no matter how toxic. The problem is, when you are not willing to let go when it is time to do so, it is because you are seeing these people and situations with your hearts and not with their eyes and head.

I give you permission today to let go, with love. You can let go of the mess, rid yourself of stress, and allow yourself to give your mind and heart some rest. Letting go doesn’t mean that you co longer care, you have decided you have had more than you can bear!     Happy Mother’s Day!

Mama*

Who works her fingers to the bone,

Who many times struggles through life alone.

Her late night tears and late night touch

Has healed and helped many very much.

There is none to compare

To the gift from God that’s so grand and fair;

As the love and understanding from my dear mother.

I roamed the earth both near and far; I’ve never been able to find another

Mama, I love you wherever you are.

In my eyes, you’re always a star.

Although for some time now we’ve been apart

I cherish your memory deep in my heart.

It wasn’t by chance that our paths merged as one;

Without it God’s will wouldn’t be done.

A tie that held us together through thick and thin

Has transcended through time from beginning to end-Mama.

*©1999; Weary But Not Worn: A Spiritual Reawakening; Joyce Morley, Ed.D.; www.doctorjoyce.com