Twelve Characteristics Needed to Build Lasting Relationships

Not only do we celebrate Father’s Day during the month of June, June has also been recognized as the month for marital bliss to take place. For decades, June has been touted as the month when many men decide that it is time for them to surrender their player card and exit the player club, by finally committing to a long-lasting relationship…WITH ONE PERSON!!

I am sure when many of you consider engaging in relationships, you are probably looking for that special one that will stand the test of time. The problem is, how often do you stop and consider all of the hard work that is necessary for you to find and engage in healthy, positive, and long-lasting relationships? Also, how often have you stopped to consider the hard work it takes to maintain and retain these relationships once you find them?

It is very easy to engage in a situation of convenience with someone else, for the short term, but it is an entirely different story when you embark upon a committed relationship that you desire for the long haul. Many of you are probably looking for that relationship that will last for a lifetime, when you are only putting forth behaviors that will bring you situations for the short term. If you would truly like to have healthy and positive relationships that will last for the long haul, you must understand and put forth actions that will ensure the type of relationships you desire. These types of relationships don’t just happen; they are built, and they must be built on a solid foundation!! However, if you want them to last, you must also maintain that solid foundation!

It is imperative that you recognize, and understand that the way you start your relationship will determine how the relationship will continue…if it continues at all. Anything worth having is truly worth working hard for; a healthy, positive relationships should be no exception! When you have the right and proper ingredients and you are willing to invest them in your relationships from the onset, you determine how your relationships will continue, if at all, as well as their longevity.

As a matter of fact, if you and your mate are willing to invest in the characteristics necessary for your relationship to flourish and last, you will come to recognize that your investment in your relationship is also an investment in you and in each other. In other words, your relationship investments are sure to yield you positive and healthy returns; not just for the time at hand, but for a lifetime! What you put into your relationship is what you will get out of it…get ready for a hefty return for a lifetime!!

“Twelve Characteristics Needed to Build Lasting Relationships”

You must have a relationship:

1.     That has God as the head and at the helm-It’s important that you recognize that you are not in control of anything in your life. You must be willing to surrender you and your relationship to a higher power and trust that this power (I call God) knows what’s best for you. By having a greater power lead and guide your relationship, it allows you to do the right things for you and your relationship on a daily basis. As a matter of fact, this greater power provides a protective covering for you an your relationship.

2.     That starts out at least in the same chapter of the same book-You and your mate must have many things in common and be able to relate at the same level. You must at least share some of the same beliefs, values, goals, attitudes, as well as spiritual and other aspirations. Some might call this being ‘evenly yoked.’ You must also be willing to work closely with your mate to move from the same chapter to the same page, in the same book.

3.     That allows both of you to be yourself while committed to the relationship: This freedom to be you doesn’t allow either of you to rape the other of your beliefs, your ideas, your dreams, your hopes, and your feelings. It is important that you and your mate respect each other enough to allow each to be him/herself, without trying to change each other or to parent each other. Anyhow, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!

4.     That has an agenda (not a selfish one, but a couple’s agenda)-It is important for you and your mate to have a relationship agenda. The same way you develop a work agenda each day, week, or month, you must have a relationship agenda that encompasses relationship expectations, individual and couple’s goals, as well as timelines. This agenda should encompass both of your individual and couple’s aspirations for the relationship, including children, finances, worshipping, fun, travel, work, weekly dating, etc. 

5.     Where you bring your own happiness & share it with each other…NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU AHPPY!! You must have a modicum of internal happiness that you use to not only sustain you, but to also share with your mate. You must realize that you can enhance your mate’s happiness, nut not try to give or make him/her happy. If you or your mate don’t recognize your inner happiness, with which each of us is endowed, there will probably be feelings of neediness, low self-esteem, fears of rejection, sadness, depression, control, anxiety, fears of loneliness, isolation, etc., that could jeopardize the stability, sustainability, and longevity of your relationship.  

6.     That is built on honesty-There is no such thing as a “small white lie!” A lie is a lie, is a lie, and once you start telling a lie, you must tell another to cover the one you previously told. To exhibit honesty is for you to show your mate respect. It is a sign of transparency on all sides and allows your mate to see you as a human being; someone who can and will make mistakes, but not tell lies. Your honesty indicates your love and trust for your mate.   

7.     That is built on trust-Trust is earned, not given. The honesty that you share and display will most certainly forge the trust you will gain from your mate and vice versa. If you can’t be trusted, you won’t be respected. Like respect, once lost, trust is very difficult to recover, but essential for your relationship to last.

8.     That is embedded with respect-Like trust, respect is earned and not given. You must exude a great level of trust through your words, works, deeds, and actions, in order to be respected. You must be a woman/man of your word and stand for something or you will fall for anything. Your character and overall being determines your level of respect. Like trust, once lost, respect is difficult to recover, but essential for the longevity of your relationship.

9.     That is built on selflessness (Give & Take; (60/40, 80/20…) SHARING & CARING-Men, because society, your mother, and many other women have allowed you to build your life on selfishness from the time of your youth, you cannot carry this characteristic into a relationship you hope to become or continue to be a long-lasting relationship. You must become selfless. Sometimes it’s not all about you and what you want; it’s about others. It means compromising and putting your ego aside. Women, being selfless in your relationship does not mean you become a doormat, doorknob, light switch, or invisible entity. It is caring and sharing with clear and succinct boundaries; it is positively reciprocating what you give and what you get. It is sometimes genuinely putting your mate first and taking a back seat. Either way, being selfless means taking care of yourself while sharing your total self with your mate, unconditionally. However, it DOES NOT mean reckless abandonment of you!!! 

10.  That bands blame, but reveres accountability & responsibility—Your positive, healthy, and lasting relationship must be blame-free. Blaming is a form of shaming, and that’s not the fiber or base on which you want your relationship to be built. There is nothing wrong with falling, faltering, or failing; the problem is when you don’t get back up and take responsibility for the errors of your ways. It is admitting you made a mistake, taking responsibility and being accountable for your mistakes and your behaviors. It’s not only accepting responsibility and being accountable for your behaviors, it is atoning to your mate for your behaviors and developing a plan of action that will allow you to not repeat the same actions and/or behaviors. And if you cannot take on the full level of accountability and responsibility, here is the time for you to engage in psychotherapy with a mental health professional. If you are not willing to exit the blaming cycle and become accountable and take responsible for your behaviors, you will engage in self-destructive and relationship-destructive behaviors, guaranteed to stop your relationship building process!

11.  That is filled with forgiveness-Yes, I know; it is hard to forgive when your mate has trampled on you, emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, and financially. It does hurt to the core. However, to engage in and maintain a positive, healthy, and long-lasting relationship, you must learn to forgive. Forgiveness starts with forgiving you, allowing you to forgive others. Forgiving does not mean accepting the behavior(s) and/or actions, but it does mean accepting your mate with his/her flaws, mistakes, and other seemingly egregious behaviors. It is releasing your mate from the behaviors and/or actions that he/she has agreed to no longer engage. And remember, it is incumbent of you to forgive, but it is also incumbent of your mate to make atonement and cure the wrong committed. It is important that through forgiveness, you don’t engage in enabling and denial, which are behaviors that will not only stagnate the growth of your relationship; but will also sabotage your relationship and diminish your very being.

12.  That maintains the fire of love that your relationship was founded on…keep putting logs on the fire-Remember, the same thing it took to get your mate, it will take the same thing to keep him/her. It is imperative that you don’t try to renege on your promises, your vows, and your commitment to your mate. You must not only continue to invest in your relationship and your mate as you did in order to reel him/her in, you must take your investment up another notch. As you grow and get better, your relationship should grow and get better. There are several areas that are imperative for you to maintain, retrain, and entertain on a daily basis, in order to ensure that your relationship lasts for the long haul.   

a.     Keeping up your outer appearance

b.     Maintaining your high self-esteem

c.     Recognizing that chivalry is not dead

d.     Engaging in giving daily positive compliments & daily positive conversations

e.     Engaging in daily loving physical and emotional touches

f.      Engaging your regular weekly dates (designated the same day of each week)

g.     Recognizing your King & Queen status, both privately and publicly

h.     Showing off each other; not going off on each other, both privately and publicly

i.      Engaging in love making, not sex. You can have sex with anybody, but you make love to and with your mate everyday…mind, body & spirit!!

©2015; J.Morley Productions; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; www.doctorjoyce.com;  770-808-6570

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean You Have to Stop Caring

Happy Mother's Day! Mother's Day is always an exciting time of the year, not only for mothers, but also for the children of mothers, including the young, middle aged, and those that are older. No matter how old you are, there are fond memories of your mother or the person who assumed the role of your mother.

As human beings, if there is one thing that all of us have in common, it is that each of us has a mother, whether alive or deceased, biological or surrogate. There are many of you who have been fortunate enough to have women in your lives, although not your biological mothers, they have served in the role of mother throughout your life. The problem is that too often you take your mothers for granted, not giving her the props she deserves.

 However, because many women might not demand and assume their God-given positions in life, unless ‘given’ or ‘assigned’ to them by someone else, it doesn’t grant their children, mate, friends, family members, and others the right to take their kindness for weakness. But, until you, as a woman, and especially if you are a mother, come to realize and recognize your self-worth and overall value, you will continue to allow others to usurp your energy, obstruct your current and future life’s view, as well as obstruct your life direction.

As a woman, you must learn to let go and stop trying to fix everyone, every thing, and recognize that you cannot continue to carry the eight of the world on your shoulders. As a matter of fact, your shoulders are not large enough to continue to carry everything and everyone. LER IT GO; LET THEM GO! I know you love them, but it’s okay!

Being the youngest of fourteen children, my siblings and I were born to an immigrant father and an immigrant maternal grandmother. Although my mother died when I was twenty-seven years of age, I was blessed beyond measure to have had her in my life and to learn about establishing clear and consistent boundaries with people, situations, and circumstances, when necessary. She also taught me how to let go, even when I still cared.  I have also been fortunate to have three surrogate mothers in my life, who took over where my mother left off upon her death, leading, guiding, and advising me. Like my mother, these strong women have also helped me to further know when I need to let go of people, situations, and circumstances, even if I still had feelings. All of these women helped me to know when to hold them and when to fold them. I

No matter what the story is, it is imperative that you begin to assess and determine the people, situations, and circumstances that fit into your life; not only in the present, but also in the future. And when people, situations, and circumstances become a liability and not an asset, it is time to let go! Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care, it simply means it’s time for you to move on and turn that person, situation, or circumstance over to the cosmos and let a higher power take over.

 So often, mothers and women in general are not given their props. However, because women might not demand their God-given positions in life, and they might allow themselves to be ‘given’ or ‘assigned’ their positions, it doesn’t give their children, their mate, their friends, their family members, or others the right to take their kindness for weakness. When you as a woman, and especially as a mother, come to realize and recognize your self-worth and value, you will no longer allow others to usurp your energy and obstruct your current and future positive view of life. You will come to recognize that letting go doesn’t diminish who you are; and you can still care. It means that you have finally made a decision as to whom and what you will tolerate.    

Even into adulthood, we expect our mothers to still assume responsibility for us. We can be as old as dust, but if and when things go wrong, as they sometimes will, the first name we call is "Mama" or "Mother." Some of you might not have a healthy relationship with your mother. However, at some point in your life, you must recognize that in order for you to move forward, you must begin to forgive and let go. And mothers, at some point, you must also learn when to let go of your adult children, other situations, circumstances, and other people who no longer fit in your life, and move on. And you probably find it difficult as a mother or surrogate mother to let go; because of the feelings you have for your child, other people, certain situations and circumstances. The reality is you can let go, with love!

 Although mothers aren't the only ones who have difficulty letting go because of unresolved emotions, society and those connected to mothers and women in general, expect them to hold on to people, situations, and circumstances, no matter how toxic. The problem is, when you are not willing to let go when it is time to do so, it is because you are seeing these people and situations with your hearts and not with their eyes and head.

I give you permission today to let go, with love. You can let go of the mess, rid yourself of stress, and allow yourself to give your mind and heart some rest. Letting go doesn’t mean that you co longer care, you have decided you have had more than you can bear!     Happy Mother’s Day!

Mama*

Who works her fingers to the bone,

Who many times struggles through life alone.

Her late night tears and late night touch

Has healed and helped many very much.

There is none to compare

To the gift from God that’s so grand and fair;

As the love and understanding from my dear mother.

I roamed the earth both near and far; I’ve never been able to find another

Mama, I love you wherever you are.

In my eyes, you’re always a star.

Although for some time now we’ve been apart

I cherish your memory deep in my heart.

It wasn’t by chance that our paths merged as one;

Without it God’s will wouldn’t be done.

A tie that held us together through thick and thin

Has transcended through time from beginning to end-Mama.

*©1999; Weary But Not Worn: A Spiritual Reawakening; Joyce Morley, Ed.D.; www.doctorjoyce.com

You Don’t Have to Put Up with Rude Behaviors & Bad Attitudes: You Have a Choice

Spring has finally sprung! So many things that were cold and dormant are now breathing new life. Although the flowers and trees have begun to spring forth with outer beauty and new growth, there are too many people who, unlike the spring, tend to remain cold, lacking care, rarely showing any new life. They don’t ever seem to change their rude behaviors and their bad attitudes.

On many occasions when individuals display rude behaviors and bad attitudes, we tend to make excuses for them. If you think about it, you often will say, “That’s just the way he/she is.” That’s hogwash! In all actuality, the rude behaviors and negative attitudes displayed by these people are not indicative of ‘just the way they are’; it’s the way they choose to be. Even greater than the negative and poor choices these people make about how they act with and in front of others, how they talk to others, as well as how they treat others, you have a choice as to whether you will put up with their mess! It’s important that you don’t allow their mess to cause you stress!! You have a choice as to whether you deal with them more or you deal with them less!

How many times have you been at a restaurant and the waiter(ess) decides to have a negative attitude? They act as if they don’t want to be there and they most certainly don’t want to serve you. They are darn right rude! And then they have the audacity to expect a hefty tip. TIPS are ‘TO INSURE PROPER SERVICE!’ If the service isn’t right, if it isn’t up to par, and if it isn’t up to your expectations, you have a choice in the kind of tip you will provide, if you provide one at all.

What about the cashier at the store who not only has a bad attitude, as she tries to talk on the phone or talk to a coworker while ringing up your items, as if you don’t matter? She is also chewing gum and seems to be angry about the fact that she has to be at work! What? That’s not your problem! You do have a choice in the matter. Talk with the manager, but you probably have seen that sometimes the manager is just as rude and exhibits a bad attitude, as did the cashier. Here is your opportunity to make an even greater choice. In the future, choose to shop at a different store. In other words, hit them where it will hurt the most…in their pockets!

The people who intentionally cut others off on the highway, or don’t allow others to merge in front of them on the highway, are guilty of exhibiting rude behaviors and bad attitudes, When they take it even further by throwing up their middle fingers and using expletives, they are not only rude, they are angry, bad attitude individuals. You do have a choice in this situation; don’t join them in their madness!

As you meet and/or engage with these rude and bad attitude people, you probably ask yourself, ‘what in the world is wrong with them?’ They seem to have a chip on their shoulders, and they also tend to climb life’s ladders at the expense of others. The sad part about these people exhibiting negative, rude behaviors and bad attitudes is the fact that they don’t care!

When you speak to these RB (rude behaviors) and BA (bad attitude) individuals, instead of them displaying a pleasant attitude, they tend to grunt, display rude behaviors, and their attitude leaves much to be desired. Even more so, they blame others not only for their rude behaviors and bad attitudes, they also blame others for their lot in life.

Your mate, your children, your parents, other family members, your friends, your boss, your neighbors, and others who engage with you and take the liberty to yell at you, ignore you, and blatantly disrespect you, can only do so if you allow them to do it. Those whom you engage with on a daily basis, and they exhibit racist and prejudice behaviors toward others, as well as constant use of expletives, calling others out of their names; those who bully others, and those who constantly berate others, only do so because they can. You DO have a choice…you can decide to no longer engage with them as long as they exhibit these rude, disrespectful, and condescending behaviors!! Your goal is to not change these people, but to decide to no longer engage in these disrespectful, inhibiting, and prohibiting behaviors and bad attitudes with them; whether they are loved ones or not, the rude behaviors and bad attitudes are unacceptable!

Too often, you believe people will change, including your mate, your children, your friends, your coworkers, your neighbors, as well as others. You have heard me say over and over again, ‘PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE!’ You change your clothes, your hairstyle, your residence, your employment, your telephone number, your direction, your mind, etc. When change occurs, it’s out with the old and in with the new. That which existed previously, does not exist any more.

In order for change to occur, you must engage in a process of growth, which entails recognizing that bad behaviors and negative attitudes are not the keys to healthy, successful relationships. Rude behaviors and bad attitudes foster poor communication. It’s you also recognizing that it is essential to place RESPECT at the base of everything that you do with others. In essence, people don’t change, but they can change their behaviors and attitudes, and they can choose to be respectful!

On another note, one of the greatest things you can do to help persons change their rude behaviors and bad attitude is to stop enabling them. Stop making excuses for them! Yes, I know you want these people to be better, but you must realize that people must choose to grow and to be better. As they have a choice to engage in and exhibit respectful behaviors and positive attitudes, you have a choice to no longer allow your self to be the brunt of their destruction.

Engaging in and exhibiting rude behaviors and bad attitudes, is engaging in a destructive life journey. And when you support these forms of insanity from loved ones or others, you are just as guilty as those who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes. It is time for you to not only decide to stop enabling your mate, your children, other family members, your friends, your parents, your boss, your neighbors, and others; it is also time for you to assess how you engage in exhibiting rude behaviors and bad attitudes.

Who really wants to be around people exhibiting rude behaviors and bad attitudes? It takes too much energy! The question is, are you one of these people? As Michael Jackson once sang, it’s important to ‘take a look at the man/woman in the mirror.’ The problem is that many of you constantly point a finger at others, while a thumb is pointing back at you. Does the rude behavior and bad attitude shoe fit on your foot? If it does, what do you plan to do about it?

As you decide how to handle your own rude behaviors and bad attitudes, which have been limiting, prohibitive, and destructive for you, it is imperative for you to have the tools to help you to deal with others around you, who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes as well. Below are ten steps to help you to take control of your life when faced with persons in your life (including yourself) who display rude behaviors, and bad attitudes.

HOW TO DEAL WITH RUDE BEHAVIORS & BAD ATTITUDES

1.     Choose your battles wisely-Are the behaviors and attitudes of the person(s) affecting you directly or indirectly; what are you expecting as an outcome if you intervene?

2.     Decide if the person(s) with rude behaviors and bad attitudes is a liability or an asset to you-what is their benefit to you?

3.     If people with rude behaviors and bad attitudes serve no purpose to and for you, let it go & let them go, instead of trying to intervene.

4.     Be willing to call the person(s)s with rude behaviors and bad attitudes out & not participate in the enabling and blame game.

5.     If you intervene, focus on the behaviors of the person(s) & not the person(s) themselves.

6.     Use your “I” messages to share with them how their rude & negative behavior(s) or bad attitude affects you.

7.     NO! Persons who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes aren’t JUST THAT WAY…THAT'S THE WAY THEY CHOOSE TO BE OR BEHAVE! Be willing to assess & accept your role in the behavior or the attitude being displayed by others. Be willing to be accountable and hold others accountable.

8.     Remember, people don’t change; they can change their rude behaviors & negative attitudes—It’s mind over matter…they must mind what they need to change & the rest won’t matter! Expect changes in their rude behaviors and bad attitudes. Help them to develop a written plan for change.

9.     If all else fails, engage in psychotherapy with a mental health professional. Many times rude behaviors and bad attitudes are symptoms of larger problems. A mental health professional can help you/them get to the core of the problem(s).

10. You have a choice in the matter-You can choose to deal with the people who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes, let the situation go, or let the person(s) go who are exhibiting the rude behaviors and bad attitudes

The bottom line is recognizing the power of choice. And if you believe you cannot do it alone, seek professional help. As a matter of fact, when you decide to confront those you choose to deal with who exhibit rude behaviors and bad attitudes, don’t be afraid to encourage them to seek professional help. You DO have a choice!! Choose to do the right thing!