“Your Heart Is Too Large to Hate”

When I was a teenager, I noticed how mean some people would be to me and to others, for no reason at all. I had not done anything to them, and I had also not noticed that others had done anything to them. They would not only say mean things, they would also attempt to do mean things in order to defy, defeat, and control, for no reason at all. They would often spew hateful rhetoric at the expense of others. I can remember asking my mother, ‘why is he/she so mean and angry; I didn’t do anything to him/her.’ My mother would say, ‘you don’t have to do anything to people for them to hate you. They hate you for no reason at all, because of how you look, what they think you have, because you are different, and many times who they think you are.’ She would also go on to say, ‘but love them anyhow!’

The words of my deceased mother resonate in my mind until today. I continue to not only witness the anger and the hatred projected onto my daughters and me for no reason at all, I also witness the anger and hatred projected onto others, just because, and for no reason at all. I have found that many times people hate you because of their own self-hatred.  There just might be a part of you that reminds them of that part within themselves that they dislike and they don’t know how to face, which is deep within their inner self. 

On the other hand, there is the hatred from others that is espoused onto you because you are different. You don’t look like them; based on your race, skin color, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic level, social status, political affiliation, religious belief, or immigration status. They believe you don’t have what they have. Either you have less than them or more than them; you live in a different part of town; you don’t drive an acceptable automobile; your clothes are not up to par’ or your educational level is not equivalent to theirs. 

For some reason, they believe in their narrow minds that you have come to take what they have or that which they believe they have. No matter what their reason for espousing hate against you, it is not your problem…their heart is dark and narrow!

Mama was right; people don’t have to have a reason for hating you. It seems easier for them to indulge in hate, rather than to express love. Often, because they have hated for so long, they don’t know how to love. Hate isn’t a behavior and action that God has placed in our hearts from birth; it is a learned behavior. However, it seems as if people project onto others the negative behaviors that they have learned, more so than the positive behaviors. Even though hate is learned, it doesn’t mean that you have to practice hating others on a daily basis. You must be accountable for your own behaviors. You have a choice in the matter. When you know better you do better. And if you aren’t sure, ask somebody! 

Fear, anger, and hate go hand in hand. If you were to begin to monitor your hate, you would come to recognize that there is a cycle to your hate. Your fears about the threats others pose against you, whether real or imagined, fuel your anger about your seeming lack of ability to control or stop the perceived threats of losing the things you believe you have or about losing the place you believe you have attained in life. For some reason, it seems as if many of you in this country believe that you are the only one who deserves nice things, nice places, and high levels of attainment. As a result, your hate cycle begins.

Your fears and anger then manifest into hate. All people who are different from you, based on their race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic level, social status, political affiliation, religious belief, or immigration status, are not threats to destroying your neighborhood or moving you from your perceived state of being privileged. But somehow, the made for TV movie you have developed in your mind takes you through the cycle of hate. And then you want to blame others for your actions and claim you ‘just snapped,’ when you put forth negative hateful action against others. It is time for you to begin to recognize that you CAN learn to no longer hate and start loving others, even with their differences.

As has been said by many others, FEAR is false evidence appearing real. In Marvin Gaye’s 1978 album, “Hear My Dear,” he talked about the negative power of anger. Marvin sang, ‘anger makes you sick; anger makes you old, anger destroys your soul!’ He also went on to state that ‘anger injures you, and treats your body bad.’ Not only does anger do all of the things Marvin mentioned in his 1978 song, it negatively encapsulates and impacts your mind, heart, and spirit. Anger is the emotion that keeps your heart small, allowing you to blame everyone else for issues in your life, as well as promoting your fears about the perceived threats of others to you, all because of their differences. Anger helps you to hold people down and hold them back, based on who they are, or who you think they are, based on their race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic level, social status, political affiliation, religious belief, or their immigration status. 

Amazingly, after singing about anger in his 1978 album, Marvin continued with his song, “Everybody Needs Love.” He recognized that hate was not the answer to dealing with anger; love was and is the answer. He took it a little further by stating, ‘ALL of God’s children need love, including you. It doesn’t matter what you are; a thief, a beggar, or superstar.’ Marvin was also correct in stating that ‘you are made for love and made of love.’

Not only do you need love, you must possess love by ridding yourself of hate and share your unconditional love with others! This love comes by way of you stepping outside of your comfort zone and your ‘privileged’ zone to gain awareness, insight, and understanding about people who are different from you. You often spend so much time fighting to be understood that you miss the boat in gaining understanding, which will carry you much farther. 

The reality is that ‘Your Heart is Too Large to Hate!” The problem is, when you engage in hateful thoughts, hateful feelings, and hateful actions, you make excuses, you are not accountable, and you refuse to engage in forgiving yourself and others who haven't done anything to you, all because you spend too much time blaming them. You begin to carry people in your heart, not only for their differences and perceived threats against you, but also because they either ‘did something to you’ or you believe they ‘did something to you.’ Again, there is your made for TV movie that you have concocted in your mind and in your heart. 

My mother also used to say “your heart is too small to carry people in it.” Carrying people in your heart whom you believe have caused real or imagined threats, hurts, and pains against you, doesn’t and won’t allow room for you to carry love in your heart. However, you can come to recognize that love trumps hate and “Your Heart Is Too Large to Hate!”

With the celebration of the Fourth of July, also known as “Independence Day,” it is time for you to take a look in the mirror and begin to ascertain the size and color of your heart when it comes to others who are different from you. Decide if your heart is small and dark, filled with hate, or is it large and pure, filled with love or at least open to the possibility of allowing love to come in.  Independence Day was created to celebrate and commemorate the signing and adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 2, 1776. The signing of the document was to indicate freedom for America from Great Britain. Sadly, two hundred and forty-two (242) years later, there are far too many of the masses of people in this country who are still not free.  They are denied their freedom because of the hatred in the hearts of so many Americans, based on their differences and the cycle of hate discussed previously.

As you celebrate the freedom of this country, start celebrating or continue celebrating love for the boys, girls, men, and women, who don’t look like you in this country and outside of this country, based on their race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, economic level, social status, political affiliation, religious belief, or immigration status. Remember, until all of us are free, none of us are truly free!

If you plan to celebrate freedom during the Fourth of July, you must start celebrating or fight to continue celebrating love for ALL people within America, as well as those who attempt to enter America. You must challenge yourself and challenge others to confront their fears, their self-anger, their displaced anger, and their hate towards others. Remember, “Your heart Is Too Large to Hate,” but it is large enough to love! Start loving and keep loving, starting with love for YOU!

©2018; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; joyce@doctorjoyce.com; www.doctorjoyce.com

Fathers Aren’t Born; They’re Created

Isn’t it amazing that we expect women and men to coalesce, engage sexually, create a child, and immediately become mothers and fathers? The reality is, mothers and fathers are created through a process over time. Although males and females are born with the capacity to one day become parents, they are not born as parents. According to John Locke, humans are born as a blank slate, and the world then writes its imprints on them.

As a man, you are most certainly in an enviable position. You enjoy the pleasures of the sexual intercourse necessary to help the woman procreate. If you choose, you can then walk away after the fertilization process and after you have written your imprint on the child yet to be born. You don’t have to carry the child once it is conceived, or engage in hormonal changes, body changes, or emotional changes, while carrying a child continuously flipping and kicking inside of you. And you have no idea about the art of labor and childbirth. But yet and still, once the baby is born, you are instantly called a ‘father.’

The preparation for males to become fathers starts when they are little boys. It is hoped that male children have a father in their homes, serving as a model and a role model, providing love, direction, moral and spiritual guidance, respect for self and respect for women. The reality, as you and I and are keenly aware, is that there are many boys growing up without a biological or surrogate father in their homes, especially in African-American households. Although mother might have a man in her life and even in her home, providing and meeting some of her needs, this man might neglect the needs of her son. As a matter of fact, even though mom’s man knew she was part of a package deal when he got with her, he often denies one part of the package, which is her children, especially her son.

If mom’s male child has been denied by or rejected by his biological father, and once again rejected by mom’s man, then who teaches him how to be a man, in preparation for becoming a father? Often, the tragedy is that he learns how to be a man and how to be a father all on his own. But, you are probably asking, how does a boy teach himself to be a man and then a father? He doesn’t!  He lives vicariously through the lives of other males who are probably in the same or similar situation as the boy without a father or without positive male role model in his life. Unfortunately, you then have the blind leading the blind.

If mom’s mate is seen as “Mister” or “Uncle,” another problem exists. The male child is cheated of the ability to see a father in action. He has no real connection to “Mister” and although the term “Uncle” carries with it a term of endearment, it is still not dad or father, which carries different meanings for the male child. He witnesses the intimacy mom has with her mate, but rarely, if ever, receives the benefit of fatherhood from this man.

Boys must be groomed from childhood into adulthood, in order for them to be prepared for fatherhood. As a single mother, you can do a great job with rearing your sons from childhood into adulthood. However, they are still in need of strong male models and role models in their lives during their growth and development periods. There is a definite need for every little boy to experience the positive direction, love, and teachings of a strong man in his life. Unfortunately, in many African-American households, the presence of a strong male model and role model is missing.

The reality is, even though the father of the African-American male child or any other child is not in his home, he can still have a strong presence in his life. Parenting and fatherhood should include a relationship with sons that also encompass a presence, even though that presence might not be a permanent one that includes a residential arrangement. As an adult male, it is important that you only create as many children that you can contribute to and take care of financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, morally, time wise, and in other ways. Remember, you are responsible for helping the boy to become a man, in preparation to become a father! And if you decide to abdicate your role and responsibility as father or surrogate father, you are basically setting your son up for failure as a man and as a father. If you are a stepfather and see your mate’s son as a stepson, you will treat him as just that…a stepping stone to get to his mother, but not play a major role in his development and growth as a male child.

In reality, it isn’t that complicated! It’s a no brainer! As a man, if you help to make a baby or take on a woman with children, especially a male child, you are responsible for the upkeep, upbringing, uplifting, and uprising of your biological child, as well as the biological child of your mate, from childhood into adulthood, and eventually fatherhood.

Yes, I know! It’s almost impossible for you to be a father to your own son or the son of your mate if you haven’t had a father in your life. But, guess what? It is never too late for you to learn now what you didn’t learn then! So you say that money is an issue? It wasn’t an issue when you got with your son’s mother or mother of your stepson or the mother of your ‘woman friend.’ Okay...money does help. As a matter of fact, money makes a great impact. However, there are some greater attributes that you, as a man, as a father, as a surrogate father can contribute to the male children with whom you are engaged or should be engaged in their lives.

Whether you are with the mother of your son, the mother of another man’s son, you owe it to this male child to contribute and model love, respect, kindness, unconditional positive regard, morality, honor, understanding, spiritual direction, emotional security, positive conversations, laughter, and all around compassion. Although you might have missed out on being recognized as a prince as you were growing up, it is important for you to recognize and treat your male child, whether biological or not, as a prince. And if this male child is an African-American, he most certainly is in need of stability and to have the aforementioned attributes provided to him on a daily basis.

The reality is that in order for powerful fathers to exist, we must have powerful men. It is expected and hoped that boys will grow into strong men, who will eventually become strong and committed fathers. These fathers must be willing to not only take a stand, but to also take a stance for what is right, moral, proper, and honorable; not just for themselves, but for their children. This responsibility extends beyond biological children. It also extends to those children whose biological fathers might not play an active role in the lives of their children, either by choice or by their inability to do so.

Here are a few words to mothers of sons. If you want your sons to grow and become strong, powerful, and responsible men and fathers, stop taking care of your sons while raising your daughters. Your sons need to have chores and responsibilities around the house. They also need to be accountable for their behaviors and actions, inside and outside of the home, while showing respect for himself, for you as his mother, for others, especially other females. You must also provide clear and specific boundaries, require him to complete his education, and ensure that he is disciplined as you would your daughter. As well, the man in your life who is committed to fatherhood must be allowed to discipline your son with love and compassion. If the man you love and who says he loves you cannot help you to rear your son from boyhood to adulthood, he might not be the man for you!

Further, mothers, boys need to be boys! They cannot replace their missing father, and they cannot be your man! And fathers, by your words, actions, and behaviors, you are the example for your son as to how he will become a man, and eventually a father. You are responsible for teaching your sons right from wrong and guiding them to manhood.

Society also has to play a major role in helping boys to become men and eventually fathers. Compared to any other race in America, African-American males are dying at a disproportionate rate, either by the guns of police officers or by the guns they hold in their own hands. One of the major problems is that America isn’t willing to see, doesn’t want to see, or won’t deal with the fact that there is an epidemic raging in African-American communities across the nation. Unfortunately, although many of you have recognized the problem, too many of the power brokers have turned their heads, closed their eyes, and sealed their lips regarding necessary funds and actions needed to help dry the tears of the mothers and fathers whose faces grace the evening news, on a daily basis.

To not value or respect the boy, the man, and the father in African-American communities, is to deny and decry the God who created all of us. To consider the deaths resulting from the use of opiates an epidemic in one race, but ignore the deaths of African-American males as a result of gun violence and not see the same urgency, is not only a travesty, it is a tragedy! It is time for each of you to begin to question the judges who see African-American fathers as three-fifths of a man, by barring them from engaging with their children. Child support is more than money! Child support encompasses emotional support, spiritual support, a loving touch support, as well as quality of time spent together support. However, when there is no value and no respect for the boys or the men, there won’t be and can’t be any value or respect for the father of the boys.

In all actually, African-American boys can’t and won’t become men and will never see fatherhood if they are continuously being cut down in the early years of their lives. Remember, fathers are created, not born! Although boys are born to be men, they are also born with the capacity to become fathers. However, there is a process for fatherhood and it starts in boyhood, with love, understanding, spiritual and moral guidance, direction, discipline, open and honest communication, as well as specific and clear boundaries.

I challenge you as men and women to recognize that, “Fathers Aren’t Born; They’re Created.” From that vantage point, it is imperative that each of you be willing to engage in the process of helping your sons, the sons of your family members, friends, neighbors, and others to move from boyhood to manhood, and eventually into fatherhood. And it is just that…a process. It is time for you to each take a stand and a stance to ensure that boys, men, and fathers of all races are treated fairly and treated like they are worthy and worthwhile. In other words, showing the boy, the man, and the father that they all matter! 

The size, physical strength, penis, and facial hair don’t make boys men and fathers. It’s the imprints of all the people who contribute to grooming the boy that makes a man and a father. Take time out of your day to assess what positive role, if any, you have played or are playing in helping your son or other boys to become strong, healthy, and powerful men and fathers. And if you haven’t played a role and aren’t playing a role, it’s time for you to start doing so, especially in the lives of African-American boys and men.  “Fathers Aren’t Born; They’re Created! Help to create some amazing father, all because you are one too!

©2018; J. Morley Productions, Inc. P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com