Engaging in the First Session of Psychotherapy Treatment

 September is “Suicide Prevention Awareness Month,” as well as “National Self-Care Awareness Month.” One of the most important aspects of taking care of yourself is to engage in mental health care. Negative attributes and negative connotations have been put forth by family, friends, and others when it comes to mental and emotional health. Far too many of you attribute the term ‘mental’ or ‘emotional’ to one being ‘crazy’ or ‘postal.’ These terms are misconceptions, harsh, stereotypical, and they often hinder those in need of mental and emotional health treatment from seeking treatment. 

 

Mental health disorders are associated with disorders of the mind, cognitive functioning, rationality, and all things related to the brain. Your mental health includes and encompasses your emotional health, your psychological health, your spiritual, and your social health. They are all interconnected and interrelated. Like your physical health, you should also engage in mental health checkups and treatment. Psychotherapy treatment for mental health disorders is for everyday people who have difficulty in dealing with everyday life challenges. Sometimes these challenges affect the quality of one’s mental and emotional state. 

 

Psychotherapy sessions can help with the challenges of mental health disorders once properly diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional. There are times that psychotherapy treatment is not enough. Psychotherapy treatment in conjunction with medication maintenance with a licensed medical professional who can prescribe psychotropic medications might be necessary. This dual level of treatment is very important and effective for persons with severe, chronic, and acute mental health disorders. It is especially crucial in the treatment of suicidal individuals.

 

It is important that when an individual is suicidal, with a plan, that immediate treatment is rendered. Family members and friends are cautioned to not try to diagnose or treat a loved one exhibiting severe or acute mental health disorders. Getting that person to the nearest emergency room is essential for their safety, the safety of others, as well as for their life. Recent events regarding family members and friends calling law officials such as police officers to help with their loved ones having mental health episodes has brought about much mistrust. Sadly, not enough police officers have been trained in handling persons with mental health disorders, often resulting in the death of the person in need of treatment. I commend those law enforcement departments that have trained mental health teams working with them to combat the possibility of a mental health call being mishandled.

 

Prevention and early intervention are always the best approaches for effectively dealing with mental health disorders. Once there are signs of possible mental health disorders, it is in the best interest of the individual to seek or receive help in receiving a mental health diagnosis and mental health treatment. And if necessary and if accepted, it can be helpful for a family member to attend the first psychotherapy session with their loved one. The first psychotherapy session can be filled with concern, anxiety, and uncertainty. Having a family member or close friend can be an act of support.

 

As with any relationship, the way the psychotherapist starts the first session will determine the ebbs and flows of the succeeding sessions.  As a matter of fact, the first psychotherapy session is the platform for building the ensuing sessions if the client returns. 

 

The first psychotherapy session is an engagement between the licensed mental health professional and the client (and possibly his/her, spouse, family member, friend, or significant other). The psychotherapy process begins with the client (or parent if a minor) making the initial telephone call to secure a psychotherapy appointment, either by phone or through a tele-mental health process.  I personally speak with all potential clients to ascertain the reason for the call, the perceived reason for psychotherapy, and to ascertain therapist/client fit. 

 

Once the appointment is scheduled the intake process begins. The client completes the “Confidential Client Intake Form,” as well as a signed “Client Fee Agreement,” prior to entering the treatment room. If the psychotherapy treatment is a tele-mental health session, forms will have been completed and returned to the psychotherapist, prior to the scheduled first psychotherapy appointment.

 

Once in the treatment room or on Zoom with the psychotherapist, the process involves clarification and verification of information included on the “Confidential Client Intake Form,” information gathering, including background information, as well as the reason for the visit, his/her view about psychotherapy, expectations, and how the client sees the ‘problem’ that called for him/her to make the visit. The first psychotherapy session is a time for the psychotherapist to bond with the client to foster trust and openness.

 

The psychotherapist is the expert and should be able to help the new client to get through the first session without fear and without trepidation. He/she is being paid to set the tone and to guide the process of the psychotherapy session for the client. My first psychotherapy session is ninety (90) minutes. I start with conversations regarding ‘how they are doing,’ including their thoughts and feelings. I then ask the question, ‘what’s going on,’ focusing on their nonverbal behaviors, feelings, thoughts, insights, as well as gains and/or losses in the here-and-now. I interweave their thoughts and feelings about pre-therapy experiences into the session. I use open-ended questions, humor, and I also focus on nonverbal communication presented by the client. Their moments of silence are brief and reflective. And if, on those rare occasions their moments of silence extend more than a couple of minutes, I inquire about their silence, focusing on their thoughts and feelings in the here-and-now, as well as the meaning of the silence. 

 

The feelings of my clients are always worth discussing, especially during the first session. They are personal and are not often provided a true, uninterrupted, and honest opportunity to discuss their feelings without shame, guilt, or fear of a loss of confidentiality. Conversations about their children, grandchildren, as well as vacations, trips, and leisure activities are always great topics for discussion during the first and ensuing psychotherapy sessions…they are personal.

 

Clients should be allowed to ask the therapist about external and general topics that might be of common knowledge about the psychotherapist (school, work, favorite foods, favorite TV/radio shows), as opposed to asking personal, internal, and private topics (marital, sexual, family, financial). Topics that can cause either transference or counter transference are not great discussion topics between a therapist and his/her client. It is important that the psychotherapist set the tone, while setting boundaries with their clients for discussing his/her life. It is important that the psychotherapist shows humanness, a sense of humor, as well as compassion and positive regard for the client.

 

 By the end of the ninety (90) minute first psychotherapy session and after completing a “Mental Status Exam” worksheet, the experienced psychotherapist should be able to develop a diagnosis based on the DSM-V (Diagnostic Criteria Manual). However, nothing is etched in stone. The psychotherapist is responsible for developing an effective treatment plan with the client for follow-up sessions as directed by the client’s diagnosis, and to make necessary referrals if warranted.

 

If you or a loved one need mental health treatment, please contact either of the following:

 

1.    Mental Health Hotline--988

2.    NAMI--800-950-6264

3.    SAMHSA—800-662-4357

 

 

 

©2023; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

 

Signs It's Time to Cut Ties with Toxic Friends

True friends are very hard to find, especially in this fast paced society of ‘what can you do for me?’ It is important that you recognize, everyone you meet is not your friend. Some are couriers, with the intent of only delivering something to you (information, direction, etc.). Others are short-term parkers, there to get you through a temporary situation, and then move on. Still, there are the monthly parkers who are those people you meet who play various roles in your life, but not on a regular basis, just when you need them. Finally, there are the lifetime parkers, who are those true and genuine friends in your life for the long haul. This friendship is like a marriage that is only consummated through a commitment to and with each other by acts of loyalty, respect, and trust. This friend sits at your personal board of director’s table. This friendship is a ride or die, got your back, call you out, hold you up, no matter what friendship.

 

When you are in a true friendship and there are signs that things are going awry, there are somethings I suggest you consider before ending the friendship, such as the level of the friendship, including the links that hold the friendship together, the longevity of the friendship, the love within the friendship, the landmarks that have solidified the friendship, as well as the lights that keep the friendship alive.

 

However, there are some friendships that have occurrences that become deal breakers. If you won’t drink from the bottle under your sink with the skull and crossbones due to the level of toxicity, why should you remain in a toxic friendship? Here are just a few of those toxic occurrences that can be friendship deal breakers that indicate this friendship is over!

 

1.     When you begin to realize your so-called friend has become a liability, rather than an asset A true friend should not only have your back, but he/she should also stand with you, side by side, through thick and thin, and through the good and the bad. A true friend should not only add value to you and the relationship, but he/she should also enhance who you are as an individual. When a friend is no longer supportive and you begin to doubt the relationship, you no longer trust his/her intentions, or you have to look over your shoulders because of the unpredictability of your friend, it’s time for you to begin to assess the value of the relationship. You must decide if you are in a true friendship of respect and love for each other or are you in a situation of convenience for selfish reasons being put forth by either of you. A true friendship comprises a relationship for the long haul, where a convenient situation is only for the short haul. If the friendship is not genuine, growth producing for you, as well as your friend, and the relationship itself, it’s time for you to cut all ties with your friend. 

 

2.     When your friend has become too costly emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, socially, and sometimes physically, it is time to let him/her go When the burdens of your friend become too much for you to bear because he/she piles personal and other burdens on you without considering your emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical strength, it might be time for you to let that friend go. Friends are supposed to stand for and with each other. However, when your friend constantly, carelessly, and selfishly pulls you into mess, causing unbearable stress, and strain, when you have asked for relief to no avail, it’s time for you to make a decision about the value and the worth of having this person in your life. When your friend decides that you should be miserable due their misery and keeps getting involved in craziness that can cause you to lose your mind, your spirit, your religion, your relationships, your job, your home, your freedom, and anything else that can cause you to lose yourself, let him/her go! He/she is NOT your friend!!

 

3.     When the relationship becomes one of convenience and has no benefit to you If your friend is constantly taking and not giving, at your expense, it is time to let him/her go. He/she is always borrowing something from you, including your clothes, money, your mate, your car, your time, etc., while giving nothing in return, it’s time for you to consider the value of your friendship. When you are being misused, instead of used, it’s time for the so-called friend to hit the door, Is it a real and true friendship, and is it worth being with this person or not??? A friendship should be a reciprocated process and each of you in the relationship should yield a return, with consistent acts of give and take. When your friend takes more from the friendship than he/she gives to the friendship, as far as time, effort, and energy, making more withdrawals than investments, it’s time to call it quits.

 

4.      When your existence as a worthy individual is being threatened When your integrity, standing in your community/career field, your brand, your image, and your credibility are being threatened because of rumors and lies being spewed and spread by your friend or because of your friend, it is time to cut the relationship. When your friend becomes the spoiled apple in the barrel while in the barrel with you, it’s time to walk away from what is no longer a friendship. As a matter of fact, because of these actions, the friendship is no longer a relationship; it’s a situation! It no longer has any merit or longevity. Any situation that causes you to no longer be you is most certainly not the best for you! You can always get another friend, but it’s difficult as hell to get your good name back!

 

5.     When your friend is involved in a toxic situation with his/her mate and constantly complains or cries to you about it, without a willingness to seek help or take action When your enabling and constantly complaining friend tries to pull you into his/her enabling cycles of toxicity and/or abuse and misuse, it is time for you to take a break, stand back and decide if things will get better or are getting better or worse. When your friend constantly complains to you about their toxic situation, but they make no effort to help themselves, as they usurp your time, your energy, and your spirit, talking about the situation on a daily basis, it’s time for you to observe and no longer participate. And when your life could be in danger because of his/her dangerous situation, it’s time to move on. If your friend won’t quit, you must quit!

 

6.     When your friend is bold enough and disrespectful enough to sleep with your mate It’s past time to let this so-called friend go when he/she crosses very personal boundaries and violates all levels of trust and loyalty of the friendship. It’s time for you to cut all ties with your backstabbing friend who has become a foe. If your friend betrays you once, he/she will betray you again. And if the betrayal is not against you, it will be against someone else either close to you or someone you know. This so-called friend is a liability and not an asset, who has been and is jealous and envious of you. If he/she sleeps with your mate, what else will he/she try to take…your life? Get out of that situation with both of them, your friend, and your mate! They are both betrayers with no care and no respect for you, the friendship, or the relationships. Once a cheater, it is difficult to not cheat again. You might eventually forgive, but you will never forget. You deserve better. As a matter of fact, you ARE better!!!

 

7.     When your friend finds an intimate partner and begins to treat you like a discarded toy When your close friend finds that girl or that guy and begins to ‘kick you to the curb,’ to pick up and use you when convenient, it’s time for you to assess your friendship status. Females are more likely to kick their best girlfriend to the curb when they find that person thought to be a keeper, compared to males. When you become a light switch to be switched off and on or a doorknob to be turned whenever entry is desired, based on the whims of your best friend, because of their intimate relationship, it’s time for you to find the friendship exit door yourself. When the phone calls and levels of effective communication become weeks and months apart and their memory of the friendship becomes an ‘I forgot,’ it’s probably time for you to forget your friend. He/she seems to have forgotten you. True friendships can still exist when one or both friends find an intimate partner. Clearly, there won’t be as much time spent together in the friendship as occurred prior to the new intimate relationship, but true friendships can be maintained with boundaries. The reality is that your new intimate relationship might become a situation much sooner than expected, while your true friend has been there for the long haul. If you are willing to diss your friend for someone new, you weren’t in a friendship from the onset.

 

 

©2023; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Loving With Boundaries

 

The month of February is the month of love. However, every month should be a month of love. As a matter of fact, it would be awesome if love was in the air daily! With more than seventy-five mass shootings, hundreds of school shootings, earthquakes, and other national and global tragedies and disasters that have occurred and are occurring, many are crying out for love. Unfortunately, many don’t know how to define love, how to give love, and just as many don’t know how to accept love.

 

 There are many of you who believe that Valentine’s Day will create a fix if you can at least have love for one day. The reality is, because you are, you were endowed with love on the inside from birth. Unfortunately, many of you are so busy looking for love on the outside, in your efforts to fix or fulfill the seeming lack of love on the inside, that you become desperate. When you are desperate for love, it is easy to fall for the wrong person, falter in the choices you make, or you will fail by getting with and giving your love to the wrong person.

 

For you to be successful with an external love, you must first be successful with your internal love, by loving yourself. You will not be able to be with someone else until you learn how to be with you. It is imperative for you to remember that love can be a noun or a verb. If you have self-love, it is easier for you to show the love you have for yourself. Your active self-love allows others to see how you treat yourself, what you will and will not accept, and that you will only stand for what’s best for you. Your self-love will show that you are not willing to just stand for anything, accepting anybody. You have clear expectations and standards regarding what you are looking for, what you expect, and what you will accept in a potential partner. When you have self-love, you are not desperate to be with somebody, allowing yourself to get with anybody, who turns out to be nobody.

 

Self-love, the noun, allows love for self. The action verb of love emanates from you to the world. That love will show in your walk, in your talk, in your dress, and the fact that you will not settle for mess. You won’t fall for the first person who comes along, and you won’t keep wasting your time and your life, searching for love in all the wrong places, with all the wrong people. With your self-love, you will also not wait until February to try to fill the loneliness you feel, because you recognize that although you might feel lonely, you are never alone. You recognize that God is with you first and always, and you are with you forever and a lifetime.

 

If you are looking on the outside to fill that seeming void you feel on the inside, you will be searching for quite some time. Your efforts to be with someone else and love someone else must come from within your love for yourself. It cannot be predicated on if, and when someone else loves you. You should expect love in return if you give love, but you must not let whether love is reciprocated to you or not, serve as a condition for you to love others. However, you must be careful, cautious, and have boundaries as to whom you decide to let into your heart, let into your life, and with whom you share your love.

 

The problem isn’t so much that you love someone, as it is you finding yourself in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. The Bible calls for loving your neighbor, but it does not call for you to be in love with your neighbor. Here is where the boundaries come into play. You can love everyone without boundaries but cannot throw yourself into situations of being in love with others, without boundaries. You also must have clear and consistent boundaries as to whom you give permission to enter your love realm. Just because he/she says, ‘I love you,’ what is he/she doing to show you that this love is true? Further, don’t be so desperate to be loved, that you become boundaryless, allowing words to become your guide, with no evidence or action.

 

It is important for you to remember, that you not only have a choice and a say as to who you love, but also as to with whom you allow yourself to fall in love. You also have a choice as to whom you allow to take up space in your heart and in your head, especially when he/she is not paying rent. Take your time, be patient, and don’t just allow others to choose you, but have a say and a choice as who you allow into your life and to who you love, especially with whom you fall in love. Desperation can land you at the wrong destination. You don’t have to look for love, it’s already right inside of you. It’s time for you to give love and accept love with boundaries, giving way for balance between your head and your heart, opening doors for a life filled with happiness and wholeness.

 

Remember, your soul is already connected to and with Gpd. Everyone you meet is not your soulmate. Some people serve as couriers in your life, some as short-term parkers, some are long-term parkers, and then there are the life-time parkers. When you have self-love, you will be able to decern and decide, who fits where, and recognize, everyone has a soul, but he/she is not necessarily your soulmate. Love with boundaries, three hundred and sixty-five days a year!

 

 

 

©2023; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Who’s the Boss in Your House? It’s Time for Parents to Take a Stand

This day, as does every day, belongs to everyone, young and old, rich, or poor. However, there are too many adults abdicating their roles, responsibilities, and authority as parents, leaders, and guides to their children. These adults allow many of our children to not only run amuck, but to also believe that it is all about them and no one else matters. There are too many of our young people who are allowed to disrespect themselves, disrespect their parents, disrespect their friends, and disrespect anyone in authority. As a matter of fact, many of our children have no clue as to how they got to where they are, because many adults in their lives are so busy trying to deny who they are and want to live vicariously through the lives of their children and other young people. Unfortunately, rules and regulations seem to have become the exception, rather than the norm.

 

It seems as if no matter how bad some of our children behave, they know that nine times out of ten, their parents or some other adult will rescue them and not hold them accountable for their behaviors. They are also fully aware that they will probably not face any consequences for their poor attitudes and their poor behaviors. Many of our children have negative attitudes because such negative attitudes have been modeled by and exhibited by the adults who serve as their role models. On the other hand, many adults have negative attitudes that prevent them from seeing the negative attitudes of their children, especially when it comes to mothers and daughters. 

 

Ironically, too many young men have developed disrespectful chips on their shoulders that permeate into their relationships with females, young and old. The tragedy is that there are adults who don’t seem to see the problems that manifest from their own negative attitudes and negative behaviors, eventually negatively impacting their children. Children often model what they see and what they hear. 

 

The negative attitudes and negative behaviors of many young people are constantly being enabled by their parents, often not to their benefit, but to their detriment. Please note that I am keenly aware that these negative behaviors don’t fit every young person and every adult has not been caught in the cycle of enabling such behaviors. However, there are entirely too many children and too many parents that fit into both categories.

 

Sadly, many adults have lost control of their children, and young people in general. But why is this so? It’s not so much that parents and other adults have lost control; they have given away their control to their children! They have also thrown out their values and beliefs with the bath water. It sometimes seems as if many adults are afraid to maintain control or to take back their control. They are so busy trying to run away from how they were reared by their parents, believing that things were ‘so bad’ for them, that they have decided to rear their children in a different manner…many times overcompensating by giving their children things and opportunities that they don’t deserve. 

 

Too often, some parents are caught in a cycle of trying to ‘please’ their children by giving them what they want, in lieu of providing them with what they need. They dress their children expensively on the outside, with expensive technical toys, while they expect less from them on the inside. Not only are these adults constantly giving to their children, but they are also not expecting anything in return from their children. And they are not holding their children accountable.

 

As adults, until you start expecting and demanding respect, gratitude, positive attitudes, responsibility, and accountability from your children, you are contributing to their negative attitudes and negative behaviors, at home, at school, and at other places. You are also contributing to a generation of downright arrogant and entitled young people who are unhappy with themselves and with life in general. In addition, more and more parents expect schools to be responsible for ‘fixing’ their children when it is not the responsibility of the school system. It’s the responsibility of parents to ‘fix’ their own children before sending them to school and other places. 

 

Education starts with parents and in their homes. Schools are a microcosm of the macrocosm of society. As a matter of fact, it’s the responsibility of parents to work with schools to help teachers to manage the negative attitudes and negative behaviors of their children as they strive to effectively educate them. No one wants to be with or work with a spoiled brat!! And if you don’t believe you can handle your child, how in the world do you expect someone else wants to try to handle him/her? The negative behaviors, negative attitudes, disrespect, arrogance, and sense of entitlement your child(ren) displayed when they were very young, which you laughed about and thought were cute, have now come to haunt you during their adolescent, teen, and young adulthood years.

 

It is time for you, as parents, to take a stand and formulate a stance as to whom the adults are in your home. It is also time for you to provide guidelines and boundaries for your child(ren), no matter what age.  You must not only provide models for your child(ren), but you must also serve as a role model for them. Being disrespectful to, as well as yelling, screaming, and cursing at your child’s teachers, coaches, or other adults in their lives is most certainly not indicative of modeling positive attitudes and positive behaviors for your child(ren). It does take a village to rear children, including yours! 

 

Parents, I challenge you to take out a pad and pen to monitor your own attitudes and behaviors for two weeks. Assess your role in not holding your child (ren) responsible and accountable for their negative attitudes, negative behaviors, and disrespect toward themselves, disrespect toward you, toward their teachers, and toward their coaches, friends, and others. It’s time for you to decide how much you are enabling your child (ren) in their negative behaviors. I am not asking you to carry guilt or to beat yourselves, but I am asking you to be accountable for the role you play in your child’s sense of entitlement, lack of responsibility, and lack of accountability. 

 

As parents, not only do I challenge you to monitor yourselves for two weeks and document your enabling roles with your child (ren), but I would also like for you to develop a written plan of action for you to rectify your enabling behaviors with your child(ren) to rectify their negative attitudes and negative behaviors. Develop five (5) action steps that you CAN and are WIILING to implement to help save your child(ren) from self-destruction and the destruction of others. 

 

As you assess your own attitudes and behaviors for two weeks, assess the attitudes and behaviors of your child(ren). Sit with your child(ren) and share your observations and concerns regarding their negative attitudes and negative behaviors that you have observed, while providing praise for their positive attitudes and positive behaviors. Allow your child(ren) to help you to develop five goals with five action items you expect them to work on in changing their negative attitudes and negative behaviors. Remember, you are the parent; you aren’t asking your child(ren) to change their negative attitudes and negative behaviors, you are making them responsible for and holding them accountable for changing their negative attitudes and negative behaviors. They don’t have a choice in the matter!

 

Remember, the way you start rearing your child(ren) will, in a large part, determine the young person and ultimately the adult they will become. Either you change your parenting behaviors NOW and work with your child(ren) to change their negative attitudes and negative behaviors NOW, or you will pay dearly later!

 

Attitude Plus Gratitude DOES Determine Your Life’s Altitude! I challenge you to take on Nike’s slogan and “JUST DO IT!!!” Change your negative attitude and negative behaviors as you challenge your child(ren) to change theirs!!!

 

 

©2022; J. Morley Productions, Inc; P.O. Box 1745, Decatur, GA 30031; 770-808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

 

You Can’t Change Your Past, But You Can Create Your Future

To continue your journey beyond today, you must define your present and confront your past. If you are seeking success beyond today and into the future, you must first define success and clarify the implications and steps necessary for you to attain it. Is success defined by the money you possess, the house in which you live, the chair in which you sit, the car you drive, the job you hold, the title of the position you hold, or all the external attributes that tend to or seem to indicate that one has “made it?”

 

What you must come to realize, is that success is not external, it is internal. If where you are going is based solely on external situations, external circumstances, and material possessions, you will never recognize your true success in life. Success is being able to accept who you are, where you are, where you came from, and where you are going, without reservation, without hesitation, and without regret. Success calls for you to relinquish your past, relish in your present, while rescripting and creating your future. 

 

The bottom line is, no matter who you are, what color you are, where you came from, who your parents are/were, what you had/didn't have while growing up, your body size, your income or your social status, the level of success you have achieved and will continue to achieve, all starts with you and comes back to you. Wherever you are and wherever you aspire to reach in life, personally and professionally, depends on you. It’s important that you remember that anything and everything you aspire to do and become begins and ends with you. You are the dreamer and the creator of your future, regardless of your present or past situations, past circumstances, or past conditions. Yes, your past did occur, and it can’t be erased. You must recognize that no matter how your past looks, you cannot change it. However, you can determine, and you can create your future by using your past as steppingstones, instead of stumbling blocks!

 

Too often, it seems as if the negative situations, negative circumstances, and negative conditions of your past continue for a lifetime. However, the encouraging news is that situations and circumstances are only temporary, and conditions belong to you, only if you claim them or own them. I am sure that some of you have experienced some difficult situations and circumstances, and it is a wonder that you are still here. You have made it through the tough times, through the rain, and the storms. You have survived the seemingly never-ending piles of unexpected life circumstances, including financial devastation, the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic, and other issues. You have somehow been able to sustain and maintain while juggling family matters, as well as work responsibilities. However, with God’s grace and His mercy, you have made it this far. As a matter of fact, because of God, you have survived your seemingly tumultuous past, and you don’t look like what you’ve been through.

 

To accept the success of your future, you must be willing to move beyond the negative situations and negative circumstances of your past. You must assess where you have been, without getting stuck in you past. You must also assess where you are, in your efforts to move into your future. If you hold negative inhibiting doors open, positive and inviting doors will remain closed. There were a lot of things that went wrong along your life’s journey. You made some mistakes along the way, a relationship went awry, sone things did not work out the way you hoped they would or the way you expected that they would. You made some wrong choices, you entered some negative situations, and you walked down some death-defying paths. However, no matter what did or didn’t happen, you must begin to close the cracks in the doors of your past for you to effectively deal with your present and prepare for your future. You must also admit that the reason you survived your past is because some things went right for you, and you made a few right choices and a few right decisions.

 

There are several steps necessary for you to move beyond your past to successfully create your future. You must start with self-forgiveness, which eventually gives you permission to forgive others. Doors of optimum success will be blocked and barred if you hold on to the negativity of your past with unforgiveness. You must see yourself as worthy, allowing you to see others as worthy, by moving through a process of forgiveness. Your heart is too small to hold onto mess, or to carry others in it. It is imperative for you to begin to let go and move forward.

 

So what you spilled the milk while carrying the container in which the milk was contained. Crying over the spilled milk will not correct the error. The spilled milk is not the problem; it is not doing anything about the mess once the milk is spilled. You must get up and dry your eyes, to provide an opportunity for you to see clearly how to clean up the spilled milk and for you to begin to assess how you were carrying the milk prior to the spill. Your assessment of the situation ensures that lessons are not only learned from the spill, but also from how you initially carried the milk. The problem isn't falling, it is not getting up.

 

Because you are human, there will be problems and things will not always go as planned. But guess what? There is always a light at the end of every tunnel. For you to see the light, you must want to see it and be willing to remove the blinders that have hindered and hampered you from moving forward. Since success is an internal state, it is a feeling, a belief, and it is knowing that you know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that no matter what the circumstances and situations of life have been and what they seem to be, you have information that allows you to manage yourself and therefore begin to determine your life’s destiny. Benjamin E Mays once stated, “You might not get everything in life that you pay for, but you most certainly will pay for everything that you get.”

 

Another step on the road to moving beyond your past and creating your future, is increasing your self-esteem. Having high self-esteem will catapult you to greater heights than low self-esteem ever will. If you love yourself, believe in yourself, and trust in yourself, it won't be too difficult for you to accept yourself, no matter how barren your past might seem, believing that you are worthy of an even greater and brighter future. If you believe it, you can achieve it! It’s time for you to only glance at your past, in preparation for creating your future. Loving yourself and others gives you the energy and the reasons for letting go of your past, as you move into your future.

 

If you don't believe in you, how do you expect that your colleagues, your family members, your mate, your children, your friends, or anyone else will believe in you? You must believe that whatever you set your mind and heart to achieve, with hard work, perseverance, and determination, you can and will achieve it. 

 

You must also learn to speak into existence the positive, learning how to deny, decry, and defy the negative of your past. Possessing self-determination is an act of being motivated and being prepared to take on that which may come before you, leaving that which was in your past behind you. It means that for every knockdown, you will get up, hold your head up, while looking up, as you keep moving forward. It’s remembering that a quitter never wins, and a winner never quits! Self-determination gives you permission to make mistakes. The problem isn't the mistake, its lying in the mistake after it is made and not getting up to clean up the mess, while finding a way to fix it up. Self-determination helps you to recognize the importance of not looking down, but learning to look up, remembering that the sky is the limit Looking down only yields you the ground. 

 

You cannot change your past, but you can determine your future. As a matter of fact, not only can you determine your future, but you are also empowered to create your future. You must decide to do so today and every day moving forward. In determining and creating your future, you must have the proper attitude. Your attitude determines your latitude. You must not only have a winning attitude, but you must also have a win-win attitude. You must believe that you can win at whatever you do. You must believe that everyone around you can also win, and you must also align yourself with winners. You must begin to see yourself with “Positive People Going Places” (PPGPs). Anything you touch and whatever you do will turn to gold, because you have a rich and winning attitude. In other words, you must believe that you have, the “Midas Touch,” through your thinking and your actions.

 

Your behavior is also a major factor in helping you to create your future to move beyond your negative past. You can and you will always profit in life, based on your treatment, respect of and respect for yourself and others. Your attitude will dictate your behavior. Hence, your success in the future starts when you awake each morning, giving thanks first for life, for your blessings, and then for others. It starts each day with your positive greeting of life, and your greeting of others afterwards. A pleasant smile or any other greeting takes nothing away from you, but it does open the doors for many possibilities in the present and in the future. You set the tone for how much more successful your future will be than was your past. Because others exhibit unpleasantries, it doesn't mean that you must join them.

 

You might have all the material wealth, all the physical niceties that life can afford you, but it doesn't guarantee you anything for tomorrow, unless you possess and show a daily positive attitude. It will help you to create the type of future you want and need. You must possess an attitude and behaviors for a successful future while not forgetting how you got to where you are. You must also remember those persons who are and were instrumental in helping you to get to where you are in the present. In other words, you can't forget the bridges that brought you across. This means your family, your friends, your colleagues, your mate, your children, your neighbors, and the list goes on and on. The same people you met going up, you will eventually meet going down. However, it doesn't mean that you must hold on to the mess associated with any persons, situations, or circumstances that formed your past, prohibiting you from moving successfully into your future. You are truly the author and the creator of how your future will be and how it can be. 

 

To successfully move into your future, you must be self-directed. You must strive to create a future that you can dictate, as well as one that you have the power and the authority to orchestrate. You must have some idea as to where you are going from today forward, while leaving your past behind. There must be goals with specific action plans as to how you will get to where you're trying to get to in the future. Your goals must be realistic, attainable, and measurable. You must see your past as the rearview mirror of your automobile, which is small because it is designed to view those things behind you. You will have to leave your past behind, only remembering those aspects that will allow you to venture into your future. You will have to see your future as large as the windshield of your car, for you to eventually behold all that God has in store for you. You should want to see everything that is available for you to accomplish the goals you set for your future, unobstructed and without barriers. As the driver of a car, you are keenly aware that there are writings on your sideview mirrors that state, ‘caution, things in this mirror are closer than they seem.’ Therefore, along with your self-direction, your goals, and your specific action steps, it’s also important that you remember to develop a contingency plan, just in case. 

 

It is important to leave your past behind, only gathering and carrying with you those aspects of your life necessary for you to attain success in the future you create. Even in your future, there will always be obstacles looming around on each side of you, as well as in front and behind you, as you move through life. Once again, these obstacles will become your past as you create another aspect of your future. However, it is imperative that as you look through the windshield of your life and become more observant of the sideview mirrors that warn and caution you of maladies, problems, and other obstructive situations that can get in your way, you are prepared to pull over to the side of life's roads.  You must not be afraid to move into a new and different direction or a different life lane, as you place as many of those obstructive situations behind you, in your trunk of life. Sometimes you must be willing to use the trunk of your life to place those unnecessary and unexpected blockers and other negative situations in the trunk of your car and lock them away, allowing you to lighten your load.

 

As you create your future, leaving your past behind, it dictates that you must have faith. For every disappointment, you must pray to keep your faith in a higher power, recognizing that the sunshine always comes after the rain. Your faith allows you to continue to believe that when one door closes, you will most certainly find another door. And if there are no doors, you will find a window. As sure as there was a way into any situation or any circumstance in your past, there was a way out, allowing you to create a new way into your future. Your self-direction and self-determination allowed you a path beyond your past, indicating that no matter how thorny the paths have been in your life, no matter how winding the roads have been, no matter how many closed roads and detours you encountered, and no matter how dismal the outlook, remembering to never give up was always important in helping you to move beyond your past, while creating your future. 

 

Nothing ever happens unless and until you make it happen. You must decide to step out of your past and begin to move into the future by engaging in the steps shared with you above. You must believe that you deserve a positive and success future, as you behold and envision your future in your mind, in your heart, and in your spirit. Use your goals and action plans to map out your strategy and your specific action steps. Sitting and ‘waiting on God’ to create your future is not the answer to you moving beyond your past. In all actuality, God is waiting for you to initiate the steps for your future success. You must also be optimistic about the outcome of your future. You must have positive optimism. Some of you believe that you are optimistic, but you don't totally believe things can and will get better in your life. This line of thinking and believing is negative optimism; you are optimistic about positive things not happening. As a result, what you believe is what you will receive! You are casting doubt on the outcome of your future. And if you cast doubt on the outcome, you are then shutting out any actions you will take, as well as any possible gains for your future. Your beliefs determine your actions, and the ensuing consequences. Your gains for the future are predicated on how successful you view your past, how successful you feel in the present, and it's knowing that you are okay, just because you are you and you were put here for a purpose. Your purpose in life was not for you to be a failure in your past, your present, and it most certainly wasn't for you to be a failure in your future. You can’t change your past, but you CAN create your future!

 

Starting today, begin to see your future as a blank canvas, where you are the artist. You can choose the type of brushes you use, the colors you will use, as well as the type and consistency of the paint you will use, to paint your future on your blank canvas of life. You can choose short or long strokes, thin or broad strokes. Every brush stroke is an indication of the action you will take in putting your past behind you, putting your goals into action, and creating the success of your future!

 

Key Points to Remember as You Create Your Future

·      Anything I aspire to do starts and ends with me 

·      My attitude determines my latitude  

·      How I start my journey into the future will determine which roads I take and the outcomes of my journey 

·      I must give myself and others

·      I must love myself

·      I must have a win-win attitude 

·      I must keep looking up because the sky is the limit 

·      I must align myself with “PPPGs” (Positive People Going Places 

·      I must have self-determination

·      I must make written goals with specific action steps

·      I must keep the faith

·      Have a contingency plan

·      I must believe that I CAN

·      I must start speaking my future TODAY! 

 

 I challenge each of you to let go of the negative pains and negative experiences of your past; they have truly passed and are behind you. You can't do anything about what has already occurred and what has happened in your life, but you can work on what is and you can prepare to design and create what will be in your future. You must begin to look up to stand up, to believe in yourself and to decide that the sky is the limit. No matter your age, no matter what has taken place in your past, it is never too late to leave the negativity in the rearview mirror of your life and embark on the positivity of the future that is waiting for you in your windshield of life!

 

I challenge you to challenge yourself to be all that you can be, to take risks end stare life straight in its face. There's only one time around and that time is now! Take it, shape it, and make it be your time, so that you will be prepared for tomorrow, whenever it comes, which happens to be today! You must begin to nurture your future and the success of your future where it starts and where it will end, right inside of you! You are your present and the outgrowth of your past. You are the success of your future! Get started today, start moving forward today, start creating your future today, because you can't change your past!

 

 

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