Being a Single Parent is Not a Crime

So you’re all alone, without a partner, and you have one or more children. You’re not married,; you have never been married or you are divorced and there doesn’t seem to be the possibility of a potential mate on the horizon for you to eventually link with and tie the knot, for the first time or once again. 

Society has for far too long made single parents feel as if they are criminals, especially single mothers. The children of single parents have been considered troublemakers, social deviants, and delinquents, especially if there is no father in the home. There has been pity, empathy, and sometimes anger toward women who are single parents. And those women who continue to birth babies without being married, have a hard road to travel in the eyes of society. There has also been much criticism of these women, especially if they are women of color, who struggle to be financially self-sufficient.

It has been a long held fallacy that children coming out of single-parent households, those with only a mother in the home, and more specifically those form African-American families are prone to failure, destruction, and pose a threat to society. Single mothers are many times told that they cannot rear their young sons to be men. And that’s not what they should be doing; they should be rearing them and preparing them to be strong, positive, and successful contributors to and in society, as they allow positive male role models to help mold their sons into strong, positive, and healthy men. Mothers can most certainly help teach their sons how to treat and respect females as boys and as men, and they can prepare them to be the type of man suitable for marriage and procreating.

The reality is that there are many children, male and female, who emanated from single parent homes, which have become successful and positive contributors to society as a whole. They have contributed to and continue to contribute to the healthcare and medical industry, the field of education, athletics, the arts, the financial industry, the clothing industry, etc. 

Ironically, unmarried men who father children are seen as freely expressing their sexual prowess, sowing their wild oats, boasting their manhood, as well as their machismo. They are hailed and praised for making baby after baby. They are revered as great guys, with their power being in their penis. Their power is also in the number of babies they can produce. And sadly, too many of these men are not taking care of the many children that they help to create. And although many of these men are making many babies, they are rarely single parents; they can walk away at any time, without regret or consequences, whether single or divorced. Now, there are some men who elect to rear their children alone or are forced to do so by default. 

While women are denigrated for birthing baby after baby,they didn’t conceive them all by themselves And for the women who fit the role of the single parent, there are often negative names and many more negative acronyms associated with them, while men are praised and hailed as towers of strength. On the other hand, many of you as women, allow the fathers of your children to abate their responsibilities as fathers and they are not held accountable for their contribution to the conception of their children. Women who have the audacity to abandon their children are scorned, held responsible, and often thrown in jail.

Either way, America has frowned on singlehood, especially when it leads to single motherhood. However, it comes to bear that there are many married women who are still single parents. I am sure that many of you can identify with being in a marriage or a relationship of convenience, without having physical, spiritual, and financial support from your mate. You might be married or in a committed relationship, but as a parent, in all actuality, you are still a single parent. As a matter of fact, you might as well be a single parent; you are doing everything by yourself. You work, you bring home the bacon, put in the pan, cook it, take care of your children, meet with teachers, clean your house, pay bills, etc., etc., etc.; and where is your husband/wife? I would prefer having children living in healthy and positive single-parent households, rather than having them living in unhealthy two-parent households. However, due to much of the ignorance put forth by society regarding single parents, mothers without partners are often treated inferiorly. 

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a disproportionate number of Black children under the age of 18 live in single parent households.  Only 38.7% of Black children live in two-parent households, as opposed to 74.3% of White children. Instead of single parenthood being considered a crime, it is time for each of us to realistically and honestly examine, develop, and engage in efforts to impact and rectify the economic, social, political, emotional, educational, and health disparities that exist for single parents and single-parent households. The crime isn’t in being a single parent n the United States; the crime is how single parents fair in an industrialized nation, by being at the bottom economically, socially, politically, emotionally, educationally, and health wise. And the greatest crime of being a single parent is that there is an administration that sees nothing wrong in the inequities presented to single parents. Single parents struggle and battle their have not status on a daily basis, as they come against those who have and seem to keep having.

And then there are many more two-parent households who are perpetrating a fraud of wholeness and happiness, when there is a cycle of misuse and abuse of the children, as well as misuse and abuse of their parents. Although these children and their mothers do not have everything they want and sometimes they don’t have everything they need, who’s to say that they don’t have one of the greatest things that can supplant lack…LOVE?! 

As a matter of fact, the single parent household rate in America has increased, even for Whites. There are privileged White woman who have come to realize that single parenthood doesn’t diminish the character, wisdom, knowledge, abilities, integrity, love, and over all value of single mothers or their children. As a matter of fact, these privileged White women have decided that they will now not only accept single parenthood, they will become single parents themselves. 

For the African-American woman, her expertise in single parenthood has span hundreds of years, from the plantation to her apartment. She watched her husband or mate be whipped, stolen, sold, and traded. She held the line through slavery as she carried and reared her children through acts of rape, disparity, cruelty, ignorance, racism, sexism, and many other isms. She weathered the public welfare system in the fifties and sixties as it became a crime for her to receive financial and other assistance if she had the father of her children in her home. She still fights the good fight as she fights a society in which she is the least respected and least protected, but she perseveres, as a woman and as a single parent.

“It is Not a Crime to be a Single Parent!” However, it should be a crime for single parents to be singled out and not supported. We never know who her children might become, because we don’t know who they are currently. There is a plan and a promise for the single mother, as there is a plan and a promise for her children. To ALL single parents; keep your head high, keep your heart lifted, keep praying, and keep believing! You are a strong presence! Neither you, nor your children are mistakes; God doesn’t make mistakes and  He doesn’t make junk! You are awesome!

 ©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

My Heart is Too Small to Carry Anyone In It!

You probably wonder how in the world do some people walk around each and everyday of their lives with anger, pain, and malice toward others. Each day is filled with one big frown and they spend their time trying to ‘do someone in’ or ‘get back at someone,’ often without provocation or cause. These people are often very angry, lack forgiveness, and they live in misery on a daily basis. In all actuality, this has to be a miserable existence, but they don’t even recognize it; this is their norm and their reality!

If you are getting up on a daily basis, worried about what someone has done to you or said to you, while spending your days spewing words and actions of hatred because you can’t get past the hurt, and you can’t turn the page in your life book in order to move forward, you are not really living. Yes, you are getting up each and everyday, but just because you are breathing, it doesn’t mean that you are alive. The second syllabus of the word alive is live. To live doesn’t mean that you just exist; it means that you have life, you engage in lively things, and you love, and live. However, your hurt, your pain, your anger, your malice, and your hatred can’t and won’t allow you to live, and they most certainly won’t allow you to love!

It is hard for you or anyone else to live and love when you have a dark and heavy heart, full of hate and hurts from life’s hills and valleys. If you don’t experience hurts, you won’t be able to experience happiness. As long as you carry hurt, you won’t be able to accept genuine hugs full of love. In all honestly, those people you have allowed to beat you down, drag you about, stump on your heart, and render you hopelessly hurt and angry, will continue to pull you down and hold you down, figuratively and literally.  How do they accomplish this? They do it by living inside your heart and your head. They will squeeze the life and the love out of your heart, while playing tricks with your mind, but only if you allow them.

You should be sick and tired of being sick and tired of allowing people to take up space in your head and your heart, and they are not paying rent. Further, your heart is too small to carry anyone in it. Your heart is a part of your lifeline. Each beat of your heart is a beat of and for life, rendering you whole, happy, and free. Carrying people in your heart based on your unwillingness to forgive renders you helpless and hopeless, deferring and sometimes destroying your dreams. However, today is the day that you will decide to serve an eviction notice on the pain, the hurt, the anger, the malice, and the people who have been living rent-free in your head and in your heart! 

The good thing about life is recognizing that you have choices in your life. You have a choice as to whom you invite and whom you allow in your life, along with the thoughts you carry in your head, as well as the feelings you hold in your heart. When you come to recognize that you have had choices and you have had power over your life throughout your life, you will then come to see you and your life through a different pair of lenses. You will begin to embark upon ladders of forgiveness, roads showing different directions, as well as different life options that you were either too blind to behold or because you couldn’t behold them, due to the negativity you held within your mind and within your heart. 

You have your entire life ahead of you. The only way that you can fulfill your life’s purpose is for you to clean out and clean up you mind and your heart. You must develop a new attitude of hope, positive beliefs, and high expectations. You must clear all of the mess out of your head and your heart, in order for you to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel of darkness, which you have been stumbling in and through for the majority of your life. You can dream again and you can live again. And if you have never truly lived, due to the blockages in your mind and your heart, it is time for you to do so. And yes, YOU CAN! And if you can’t free yourself completely, seek help from a mental health professional. 

In the meantime, there’re some things that you can do to help you to free your own mind and your own heart. The first thing you must do in order to free your mind and your heart of the hurt, the pain, and the people you have been carrying rent free for far too long, is to admit that what you have been carrying and still are carrying are liabilities and not assets. List them on a blank sheet of paper. Admit that they have been and still are hindrances and not helpful. Admit that they have been and still are blockages and stumbling blocks, instead of building blocks and steppingstones. And finally admit that all of the negative stuff and negative people that you have written on the paper are things and people that you have been and still are carrying. They have been a part of a destructive process, instead of a constructive process. 

Once you have identified and documented the hurt, the pain, and the negative people on a blank sheet of paper, orally speak forgiveness over the people on the list and forgiveness over yourself for the role you played in allowing these rent-free atrocities to enter your mind and your heart. Speak out loud that you are ‘LETTING GO’ of the hurt, the pain, the people, the mess, and the stress that have negatively occupied your mind and your heart. Orally and without shame declare your freedom, recognizing that your mind and your heart are too small to keep carrying the negativity; you are finally moving forward, you are moving on! 

Finally, take your pen and draw a huge ‘X’ across the list of hurt, pain, and negative people who have contributed to your life’s mess and stress. As a matter of fact, to ensure that you have not only given notice to the eviction, but have actually carried out the eviction of these negative elements that have been taking up space in your mind and your heart, you can draw several X’s across your list. Take the list and with both hands you can tear it into small piece or you can shred it in a shredder. The intent is to not only remove the negativity from your mind and your heart, it is to also shred it from your life. You will then take the torn or shredded remnants of your list and place them in a plastic bag, removing them from your sight and from your home, by placing them in a trashcan outside of your home. 

It’s all a matter of letting go and letting God. He can deal with those who have and continue to offend you, hurt and harm you. He can also rid your mind and your heart of the negative hurt and pain of your past. You have to want to be free and want to lift those burdens from within you. Until your mind and heart are free, you are not free. Your forgiveness of yourself, along with your forgiveness of others sets you free, free to be you and to live free. Take the opportunity to once again experience freedom in your mind and your heart or to experience freedom for the first time in your life, recognizing that, ‘Your Heart is Too Small to Carry Anyone In It!’ 

You are now free at last, free at last, thank God, you are finally free at last! Thank God for your newfound freedom. You are free to love again, free to live again, and free to dream again. Now go out and celebrate the freedom of your mind and your heart, deciding that from now on, you will only allow positive, asset-filled, and constructive people, and PPPGs (Positive People Going Places) in your heart. YES YOU CAN!

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com\

Getting Up & Moving Forward After a Fall

Famous gospel singer Donnie McClurkin sang, “we fall down, but we get up.” However, getting back up after a fall is not that simple. It would be awesome if everyone who fell down were able to get back up. Some of you fall and wallow in your pain, misery, and sometimes self-pity. Others of you fall and have difficulty figuring out how to get back up. And still, there are those of you who fall and you bounce back up, bruised and battered, but you are at least up. And there are times when you have to decide whether you fell down because of life’s perils or did someone push you down or knock you down.

Too often, when you fall, others are quickly to state, ‘you need to pull yourself up by your boot straps.’ This statement is inhumane and lacks compassion. If getting back up after a knock down or a fall were as simple as pulling yourself up by some straps, you probably would have used those same boots and the straps to break your fall. In order for you to ‘pick yourself up by your boot straps,’ you would first have to recognize that you have on boots, determine where the straps are located, have straps long enough for you to grasp and hold onto, and have the energy to pull yourself up.

How dare anyone to provide a remedy for how you should get back up and they don’t know the circumstances surrounding your fall. Have they spent time with you before, during, or after your fall? Did they inquire about your emotional, physical, and psychological state after your fall? Did they hold your hand, provide a listening ear, offer a hug, or offer to help you up? If they didn’t engage in any of these actions during or after your fall, why are they offering direction without knowing the circumstances of your fall, and without taking some form of action to help you up and out? Talk is cheap; people need action when they fall! The only time you should look down on anyone who is down, is when you are reaching down to pick him/her up!

A fall that includes loss, devastation, degradation, pain, grief, disappointment, shock, hurt, harm, etc., can often render you incapable of moving at all, let alone getting back up. So often, the perils of life are more like knockdowns, rather than falls. Falls often come with financial, social, emotional, psychological, and/or physical trauma. They are sometimes seen beforehand, but ignored. In many cases, falls come with warnings and are avoidable. Recovery from these perils is not as easy as many might think, because the fall is generally greater than the climb it took for you to get to where you were. And those on the sidelines of criticism and doubt have no idea what you have been through, what you are going through, or how you got to where you are. Often, they haven’t walked in your shoes. As a matter of fact, they have never tried on your shoes, or stood in your shoes. 

When you are down and attempting to get up after your fall, it is imperative that you remain focused, keeping your mind, your eyes, and your spirit on rising again, and not on the words and doubts of the naysayers and unbelievers. And if they are not asking what they can do to help you or how they can help you to get up from your fall, along with helping you with your recovery after your fall, you most certainly don’t need them in your corner. As a matter of fact, they are actually not in your corner. Just because you are down, you most certainly don’t need anyone to hold you down or to keep you down. 

Knockdowns are even more difficult to recover from. They are usually caused by others and are unexpected. Knockdowns include betrayals, being fired unexpectedly, an unexpected relationship breakup, being a victim of a crime, or suffering from a serious illness. Knockdowns are much more difficult to recover from than falls. The great thing is that although you fall, you can get back up and move forward after a fall.

Marvin Gaye once sang, ‘three things are for sure, death, taxes, and trouble.’ As sure as you are born, and as sure as you live, you will have many falls throughout your life. The problem isn’t so much the falls that you will encounter in life; it’s you having the will and the want to get back up after your falls. Your determination to not lie in your fall, but to find a way to get back up and recover from your fall without regrets, guilt, anger, hatred, and lack of forgiveness is essential. Getting up after a fall means that you must recognize that you have a choice…to either stay down or muster the strength and energy to get back up again.

You are not only the determiner of your current life position; you are also the determiner of your future life position. Once you come to recognize that falls in life are a reality and not a fallacy, you can begin to prepare and build a cushion for your falls. Will your cushions prevent your falls? No! However, your built-in cushions can help brace you for your falls, and put people, situations, and things in place that can break your falls as you tumble. These cushions won’t guarantee a soft landing during each fall, but they can and will help you to bounce back much quicker than if you did not have the cushions.

You must decipher the difference between a knockdown and a fall. As a result, you will be able to deal with them accordingly. And if it’s a knockdown, it’s time for you to decide who pushed you down or knocked you down. And then you have a major decision to make in your life; is this person, situation, or circumstance worth holding onto and keeping in your life…probably not! Falls are expected, but remember that knockdowns are mainly unexpected and they put you in a position to not only be knocked own, but to also be stepped on and held down. Whatever your down position, GET UP!    

It is time for you to no longer allow your previous or current falls to prevent you from moving forward in life.  You must believe that you can and will get back up. As a matter of fact, you don’t have a choice in getting back up after your life falls. You are strong and powerful, and you are meant to recover from any adversities in your life. You have a direction and a destiny in life, already mapped out for you by God the creator. And as long as you remember who you are and whose you are, you will be fine.

It is time for you to no longer accept your falls or knockdowns as your destiny. As long as you can look up, reach up, and stay prayed up, you CAN get up! Recovery from life’s falls entail you engaging in a process of discovery; discovering how you fell in the first place. It also entails you learning how to clean up the mess made during your fall, as well as the mess that contributed to your fall. Further, in order for you to completely get up, recover from life’s falls, and move forward with your life, you must also begin to gather the lessons learned from your falls. 

With every fall, there is a lesson or several lessons for you to learn. Not only must you learn the lessons from your life falls, you must apply them to your life, in order to prevent the same falls from occurring again. And if by chance they do occur again, you will be prepared to not only get back up, you will stand up with your head up, after your falls. Also, remember, there is always the opportunity for you to ask for help and seek help during or after your falls. Mental health therapists are also an option to help you as you are in the midst of your falls, as well as after your falls.

Remember, you are NOT your falls, but you are the result of your strength, power, stamina, determination, and self-love that helped you to get back up and move forward after your falls. You passed the fall tests, now get up, go forward, move up, move forward, and be the testimony about your tests! 

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Mending Father Relationships: Letting Go of the Past & the Pain

Once again we are in the month of June, preparing to celebrate Father’s Day. Many fathers complain that Father’s Day is often not given the same attention as Mother’s Day. I am sure that many of you as fathers also feel and believe that Mother’s Day is overrated, and that Father’s Day is underrated. If that is the case, you have to begin to ask yourself why?

You really have to come to grips with the fact that in our society, mothers are viewed as and expected to be the primary caretakers and primary educators of their children. Men are socialized to be selfish, while women are socialized to be selfless. Father’s are given permission to abdicate their roles as fathers, abandon their children, and not be held holistically responsible for the health, welfare, safety, and very existence of their children. On the other hand, not only are mothers expected to be with their children, no matter what the situation, they are also expected to first learn to celebrate themselves and take on the responsibility for their relationships with their children, in childhood and in adulthood.  Mothers are also expected to take on the full responsibility and levels of accountability for their children, with or without the father of their children taking the same level of responsibility, and they are punished for not doing so. 

If mothers abandon their children, leave them with others, including their fathers, they are not only vilified, they are criticized, ostracized, and minimized in society. Whereas, fathers are often allowed to celebrate their freedom away from their children, as well as celebrate themselves, while expecting others, including their children, to also celebrate them as males and as fathers. It goes back to the socialization of males compared to that of females. It is this socialization that men are then able to make excuses for developing and maintaining unhealthy relationships, and for not being accountable or responsible for correcting them by simply stating, “It’s A Man’s Thing!” What is, ‘a man’s thing?’

Because of society’s rules and regulations and socializations that are more than often dictated by men, the selfishness of many men often makes it difficult for great men to move from one to two, or from manhood to fatherhood. It is often difficult for them to share of themselves, their time, their love, and other valuable possessions (not just material possessions).  When one doesn’t want to share, doesn’t know how to share, or feels he is forced to share, there is resentment. Resentment doesn’t allow for healthy and positive relationships, especially between fathers and their children. However, as a father, you must realize that you contributed o the creation of your children, therefore you bear equal responsibility for sharing and caring for them, along with establishing healthy and positive relationships with them.  

Not only are mothers expected to start and model healthy relationships with their children, they are also held accountable for mending the relationships with their children when they are broken. However, there seems to be a sense of entitlement put forth by many fathers who have not been in the lives of their children. When there has been no relationship between fathers and their children, it is often because of abandonment issues, parental denial, divorce, irresponsibility, or other acts that can often be controlled. The prevailing sense of entitlement afforded men, allows fathers to hold their children responsible for mending broken or nonexistent relationships with their fathers, or fathers blame everyone else for the brokenness of their relationships, including the mothers of their children.

I am sure that many of you have had some great relationships with your father, and that many of you reading this blog are great fathers. And it’s not because as a child, you had to work and take responsibility for engaging in a healthy relationship with your father, but because of the commitment he had/has with you in order to develop a healthy relationship with you. He showed responsibility and accountability for his role as father, whether biological, adopted, or surrogate. And because he knew how to unselfishly celebrate himself, he celebrated you as his child, even under undue pressure. He chose to do so! His sense of privilege has not been based on his selfish feelings of entitlement, but based on the inner happiness and feelings of being blessed to have you as his child. His role of father and sense of privilege has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with you as his child. He is proud and willing to openly show his feelings, whether he was/is in the home with you or not.  As a result, you have learned the elements of developing and maintaining healthy relationships with your children from the model and role model exemplified through your own father. As a result, because your father had/has no problem celebrating himself, while celebrating you, he in turn can now receive celebration from you on Father’s Day and every other day of the year.     

As fathers, if you are not willing to or if you can’t take care of yourself, it then becomes a daunting task for you to effectively take care of your children. And taking care of your children is much greater than providing monetary and material things that so many men get hung up on. Taking care of your children involves sharing of yourself unselfishly. Yes, there is a monetary contribution, but taking care of your children also involves prioritizing your children, being present whether you live with them or not, showing and expressing unconditional love, being emotionally available, showing emotions, spending quality time with them, providing spiritual guidance, providing direction, as well as correction. 

As a father, taking care of your children also involves you letting go of your painful and negative past. It’s getting professional mental health treatment when needed, instead of avoiding issues and not dealing with your inner pain, because of your pride and your ego. It’s doing as Prince once sang, ‘acting your age and not your shoe size.’ If you are not emotionally healthy, it is difficult for you to be emotionally present for anyone, let alone your children. It’s getting past the issues you have with the mother of your children and taking responsibility for your children.

All in all, it’s you as a man and as a father, taking responsibility and being accountable for the relationships with your children while they are young, which will dictate how those relationships will manifest when they are adults. All relationships must be nurtured with love, sprinkled with respect, covered with attention, and intention, from the onset.  

Fathers, in order to ensure healthy relationships with your children, it is imperative that you get to know and accept yourself as a man, preferably prior to becoming a father, which many times does not take place. But if as a man, you do not avail yourself of the opportunity to get to know you and have an unselfish relationship with yourself as a man, prior to having children, then take some time to work on you as a man, while learning the skills it takes to be a great father. There is no excuse for not being taught or not knowing; it’s up to you to learn!

It's imperative for you as a man and as a father to remember that you are the author and the finisher of how your life and your relationships start and how they are maintained. It is also imperative that you move beyond the blame and shame of your past that has permeated and dominated your present, while negatively encroaching upon your future. In order for you to gain forgiveness, you must also learn to forgive yourself. And sometimes, in order to be forgiven, you have to ask for forgiveness. You are ultimately responsible for not only developing relationships with your children, but also for the maintenance of such relationships until they are adults. If you build those relationships on a solid foundation, when the cracks and turmoil of life interfere in the relationships between you and your children, not only will you be able to pull them back in line, your children will also understand and know what to do to help. After all, you would have already modeled for them and taught them, and they won’t have strayed away from those teachings. Healthy and loving fathers are one of the best teachers children can ever have! I challengeALLmen and ALLfathers to either become the teacher or continue as the teacher for the sake of your children and for the sake of human kind!   

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Recognizing the Importance of Celebrating Your Mother in Life & in Death

I know it must be difficult for you to learn to celebrate your mother’s life, instead of mourning her death and your loss. I also understand the sadness and anger that comes about after such a traumatic experience. And no matter how many deaths you’ve faced, there seems to be a greater sting when it comes to the death of your mother, whether she is your biological mother, adopted mother, or surrogate mother; she cannot be replaced! 

I can identify with those of you whose mothers have transitioned. I was twenty-seven years of age when my mother died. I can remember that small part of me that felt cheated. What, my mother is gone for good? The good part about it is that because I celebrated her and appreiciated her in life, I was able to celebrate her life even more, after her death. 

I know for many of you, the ability to move beyond the death of your mother is quite difficult. Death is one of those life experiences that you don't want to talk about. As a matter of fact, no matter how many loved ones you lose to death, you are never totally prepared for the loss. It is never on your calendar, it’s not entered into your appointment book or in your phone, and you don’t have to worry about being late or missing it. Yes, everyone wants to live forever, and you most certainly want your mother to live forever. 

I know it is difficult for you to come to grips with the fact of your mother’s death or if she is still living, having to come to grips with the fact that one day, some day, she might transition prior to your own transition. However, even hough death brings about a sting, what you should be asking yourself is how did you treat your mother when she was alive, or how are you treating her now, if she is still alive? Are you respecting your mother and giving her credit for carrying you within her body and giving birth to you? And even if she decided not to keep you and rear you, someone graciosuly took on the role of Mother and decided to accept you, take care of you, and love you uncinditionally! Hence, your biological mother, as well as your adopted or surrogate mother all deserve recognition and appreciation on Mother’s Day, as well as the other three-hundred and sixty-four days of the year.

As a matter of fact, the way you start a relationship will determine how it ends, as well as the relationship with your mother. If your life and relationship with your mother was or is adversarial, it probably ended or will end in an dversarial manner. As the old adage goes, ‘you don’t miss your water until the well runs dry.’ Sometimes you don’t appreciate your mother until she is no longeer living in this realm. However, after death it is a little too late to show her appreciation in the physical realm, but it most cetainly is not too late to appreciate and celebrate her!. 

It would have been and if possible, it still can be admirable if you had given your mother or if you will now give her flowers while she was alive or is still alive. For a mother, there is nothing like smelling fresh flowers, reading an inspiring card, receiving a caring hug, and hearing ‘I love you,’ from the children she carried for nine months (sometimes a little less) through the pain of labor and almost death, gave birth to, and cared for, sometimes with no support system.

Whether biological, adopted, or surrogate, the woman you call Mother, wiped and cleaned your nose, cleaned your bottom, bathed you, fed you, clothed you, protected you, disciplined you, prayed for and with you, hugged you, loved you, and did so many other countless things for you, above and beyond the call of duty. With your mother, there were no boundaries and for many of you, there are still no boundaries when it comes to your mother. She continues to love you unconditionally, without reason, without rhyme, and there has never been a measure or price for her love. And even if she has transitioned, in life, your mother exemplified the essence of love and care for you, until the end. 

For those of you whose biological mother lost her life in order for you to have life, there has been or there was an adopted or surrogate mother to fill the role and the shoes of mother, unconditionally. As a result, consider yourself blessed and be grateful. You can still celebrate her life by collecting as much information about her as possible, and creating a special place for memorabilia, as well as a special place in your heart.

 For those whose mother has transitioned, Mother’s Day is one of those days when you get that feeling of emptiness. You find yourself longing to hear her voice, to hear her make a fuss, wishing you could pick up the phone and say hello. But there are ways you can cherish her memory in life. Celebrate her life and not her death and your loss. Leave an empty chair for your mother at the dinner table on Mother’s Day. Browse through old photo albums with family nd friends, or watch a video that includes your mother. You can also allow those attending your Mother’s Day celebration to join in the celebration by sharing stories of joy, instead of stories of grief and despair.

Because of the loss of your mother, if you find yourself grouchy or depressed when everyone else is taking their mother out for brunch, dinner, or engaging in other forms of celebration, on Mother’s Day, honor her. Instead of spending the day in tears, look at the positive impacts and outcomes of your mother’s life, and not the negative impact of her death. Write her a letter of rememberance and read it aloud. She probably hears you! Invite family over to your home to reminisce or write down happy memories you shared with your mother. Do a kind deed for a mother in a senior facility, who might not have children or family to celebrate her. Get with other family members and friends whose mother is still alive, and celebrate with them.

For those of you who are not speaking to your mother, SHAME ON YOU! I challenge you to forgive yourself and to forgive your mother for whatever you think she did or didn’t do to you and for you. I challenge you to pick up the phone and give the woman you consider Mother a call of appreciation, thanking her for the work she has done, the work she continues to do, and for the sacrifices she made on your behalf.  I challenge you to remember the woman who has worked tirelessly, taking on the job of mother, a job she had a choice to take on or abandon, especially when times were hard. I challenge you to remember the unconditional love, the years and the tears, as well as the happiness shared, whether she was or is your biological mother, adopted mother, or surrogate mother. I challenge you to recognize your mother for her career choice—motherhood—a job that is never done! 

The major aspect of celebrating your mother in life, is to prepare youself for being able to celebrate her life, in death. Practice recognizing her worth and value and expressing it openly and genuinely. There is only one time around, and no one I know, who ahs transitioned, has ever returned to tell us what the hereafter is like. The reality is, all you have is here and now, which is today! Use it to celebrate your mother while she is till alive. And if she is no longer alive, celebrate her anyhow! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

You still have time to purchase Dr. Joyce’s book for Mother’s Day, entitled:

“Mama Said…Hilarious, Outrageous, and Eye-Opening Statements Mama, Grandma, and Big Mama Said that You Can Now Laugh About: Mama Really Did Have the Answers After All”

www.booklogix.comor Amazon.com

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

You Change Your Clothes, You Change Your Mind; People Don’t Change

I know that you probably have many reasons as to why you don’t agree with the title of this blog. And it’s not so much the title you disagree with, as it is the premise of what the time means. 

As you reflect on the title of this blog, you are probably trying to recount people you know who have “changed.” You are also probably saying, ‘I’ve changed myself.’ Another statement you and others have constantly made when I have discussed this topic during speaking engagements and other public engagements is, ‘God can change people.” Yes, God can do anything! However, we’re talking about people, who have nowhere near the power and capacity of God to make changes.

Not only do I stand by the title of this blog, I firmly believe that after you have read it, and probably before you complete reading it, you will have a greater understanding about the reality of the title and come to believe the truth about the topic. In the final analysis, you will come to see what change really means and realize my premise, which is that people don’t change!

Merriam Webster dictionary defines change as, “to transform; to make radically different; to replace with another.” When leaves ‘change’ colors, they don’t exist any longer; there is a radical transformation. When you say you’re going to change your clothes, they don’t exist any longer; there is a total difference. When you have your mind focused on one thing and then you change what you were originally focused on and focus on something else, you completely let go of what you were thinking and/or believing, replacing it with something else. The same goes for changing schools, changing homes, and changing mates. Once you take on a new one, the old one is gone and there has been a transformation. Your original school, original home, and original mate are now different; they are gone.

There is a great difference when asking people to change. You are actually asking, and sometimes demanding them to become someone else, who is new and enhanced, with the old person gone. And when they can’t do it, you try to do it yourself.  Wakeup! It’s all a dream! Sadly, your dream about people changing or you changing them to fit your mold can become a dangerous and fatal game, or a never-ending nightmare. The belief that people change is what causes a lot of you, especially women, to stay in abusive situations that are not genuine relationships. You truly believe that if you make changes in your beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors, that man will also change his negative and abusive behaviors toward you. However, if that man hit you once, he will do it again. As a matter of fact, the abuser has it in his DNA. He may ‘slack off’ in his behavior as a way of controlling you and the situation, but he always has the propensity repeat his negative and abusive behaviors. The misconception that you can make changes to change others has cost many women their life, as well as the lives of their children and other loved ones. 

That woman who was a stripper and a cheater when you met her can cease the behavior, but there is always a chance within her that she will strip again, if not at the club, in other places. It’s in her DNA. The mere fact that she chooses to go in that direction or he chooses to cheat on you and to abuse you is evidence that such behaviors are a part of her/his makeup. Once a cheater, always a cheater! He cheated on his wife to be with you. Now he is with you and he still cheats. What made you think he would be different because he is with? People don’t change! Once an abuser, always an abuser! It comes down to a matter of respect; respect for humans, and a respect for males, females, and for differences.

Behaviors of abuse, misuse, cheating, stealing, etc., are all issues of control. The person who needs control is not willing to relinquish the behavior(s) that provide the authority for him/her to remain in control. Why do you think when there is a rape, a murder, a burglary, acts of incest, etc., that the first people law enforcement officials interview are those who committed such crimes before? They know that criminals don’t change; they just become better criminals. They know that the murderer started out as an angry and controlling individual, who probably progressed to lying, stealing, cheating, disrespecting the lives of others, and thinking he/she was God, without recognizing or even considering that he/she did not give life and he/she cannot take it. Law enforcement officials also know that PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE! 

And women, you want o pick up the worst looking guy, with no skills, nothing to offer you, no goals, and no direction, in order for you to try to fix him up after you have picked him up, believing he will change, or in other words, that you can change him. Wake up; it’s not going to happen! You keep wondering why you can’t or don’t have healthy relationships. You don’t and won’t have healthy relationships because you keep picking up, entertaining, sustaining, and maintaining situations with unhealthy individuals. He was diseased when you got with him, he will be diseased when you stay with him. You can take him out of his flowered pants and plaid shirt, thinking that after you have picked him up, dressed him up, and fixed him up, he will be a changed man. The hell if he will! The Brooks Brothers suit you dressed him in, along with the Stacey Adams shoes you bought for his feet only heightens the fact that he is still the same man you picked up; he is now just covered up!

Now, I am not saying that people can’t make changes to their behaviors. I believe people grow through having awareness, insight, and understanding. With awareness they can come to see that there is some behavior and/or attitude that is prohibiting them from being able to successfully navigate life’s pipeline to success and happiness. They will have some awareness that their relationships are constantly failing and often toxic, leading to the analysis that something must be done in order to change the situation or relationship around. Awareness allows you to take off the blinders you have been wearing and hiding behind, in order acknowledge that something or some things are not right. It also allows you to move to a level of seeing the emotional impact your attitude, mindset, and behaviors are having on you and others. 

Awareness is not enough for you or anyone else to start changing your attitude, your mindset and your behaviors. You will then need to gain some insight as to how your attitude, mindset, and behaviors are negatively affecting and impacting you and others. This insight involves you taking a deeper look and a deeper dive into the impact your negative attitude, your negative and warped thinking, as well as your negative behaviors have had and continue to have on you and others, by interviewing yourself and others about the aforementioned areas. In other words, you will be soliciting feedback from others and being honest with yourself about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. It’s looking back at certain incidents and situations and assessing how and why they failed or did not prosper, based on your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. Insight allows you to move from taking off the blinders experienced when you gained awareness to taking a panoramic view of yourself, in living color. It also allows you to get to the heart of the matter and begin to feel emotions from a different perspective.

In changing your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, after you have gained awareness and insight, you then need understanding. Understanding comes about when the light not only comes on, but it illuminates the reality about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors. Understanding is a result of you beginning to have more in-depth conversations about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, with those people who care about you and your wellbeing, including your family and trusted friends. It’s listening to what’s being shared, it’s recognizing and being open to the patterns that have occurred over the years, as well as the ensuing results that have occurred, based on these characteristics. 

This understanding is that aha moment, which says, ‘Wow, I got it!’ I now see, I have been enlightened, and I have meaning to my attitude, mindset, and behaviors, as well as the impact they have had on me and on others.  Understanding also allows you to have a change of heart, based on the awareness and insight you have gained. Now that you have also gained understanding, it is time for you to make a choice as to whether you want to change your attitude, change your mindset, and change your behaviors.

Choice does bring about change. Change is a process and not an event. The leaves on the trees go through a process of change. When you are changing your clothes you have to select different clothes, prepare them for proper wear, take off the old clothes, and then put on the different clothing.

Now that you have awareness, insight, and understanding about your attitude, your mindset, and your behaviors, you are now ready to choose to make changes in these areas, flipping the script from negative to positive, while reframing your life focus, your life’s framework, and overall life direction. With choosing to change your negative attitude, your negative and warped mindset, as well as your negative behaviors, requires a different vision about yourself and others, a different level of respect for yourself and others, a plan of action with goals, time lines, a maintenance plan, as well as a support system and an accountability partner. Why do you think alcoholics always state, ‘I’m an alcoholic?’ They know that they are one drink away from going back to where they were when they were sloppy drunk, promiscuous, angry, bitter, stealing, and lying individuals. They have grown, but they have not changed. They’re the same people with a different attitude, a different mindset, and different behaviors! 

Because of time and space, I am not able to take this discussion any further. There are many more instances and facts that will verify that people don’t change. Hopefully, this blog has helped you to see and understand why I stand by and hold onto my topic and the fact that, “You Change Your Clothes, You Change Your Mind; People Don’t Change!” 

You have an opportunity to make changes in your life. You also have the opportunity to choose the right type of people to have in your life, recognizing that what and whom you choose, as well as what and who chooses you, dictates what you will get. Sometimes it’s easy to get with someone, but it’s hard as hell to get away from him/her. People recognize needy, and they recognize a good thing when they find them, no matter how negative they are and how bad they are, they want to step up and be picked up. You have a choice in the matter. Stop ignoring the symptoms of bad and negativity when you see them in people. Learn to look away and sometimes run away. He/she might seem good for the night, but hell for the days, months, and years that follow. And if you have to get with and settle for someone you have to try to change, or that you believe needs to change or be changed, why are you trying to get with them? PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE!!!!

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com

Having Your Back Doesn’t Mean You Turning it to My Front

If you are anything like me, TRUE friendships are greatly valued. I don’t take my friendships lightly. My friends having my back and having the backs of my friends is important. I am sure that like me, you have had people in your life, male and female, who purported to be your friend. You had probably known them for an expansive time period, and you were comfortable with them, because it seemed as if they had proven themselves to you. As a matter of fact, you trusted them and believed they saw you as you saw them…as TRUE friends.

Sadly, at some point, you had to come to recognize that not all people value and respect you and others the way you value and respect them, as well as others. Also, you had to come to realize that not all people you encounter are friends. Some people get with you as a matter of convenience (a situation), as opposed to a commitment (a relationship). The person with whom you engage with in a situation will turn the same back you supported, to your front. In other words, they will betray you and give you their ass to kiss. Now that’s not everyone, but one betrayer is too many. It’s imperative that you take the time to use discretion as to whom you will let into your life and whom you will support. Remember, the way you start a relationship is the way it will end. As Maya Angelou once stated, ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’

Betrayal is a very difficult force to reckon with, especially when it is thrust upon you by someone you have shared your time, your energy, your secrets, your family, your emotions, your heart, your bed, your body, your soul, some times your money, but most of all, your life! Betrayal is a violation of trust. It knocks the wind out of you, as you try to reason with yourself and come to grips with the reality that someone you invested in no longer is an asset, but is now a liability. And then you begin to wonder what could you have possibly done to deserve this person whom you genuinely cared about, turning their back on you, instead of having your back and you having theirs. In other words, he/she gave you his/her ass to kiss after you covered it and protected them!

I am sure you can remember the people, who stopped speaking to you, stopped engaging with you, lied on you, and talked negatively about you, without rhyme or reason. You had their back time after time and you kept their secrets, no matter how much mess they brought to you. And on many occasions, if there was someone who should have engaged in a betrayal against the betrayer, it was you. But betrayal is not a part of your character. TRUE friendships mean a lot to you; you value them and you believe in helping people up, rather than holding them down. Unfortunately, too many people don’t have the same beliefs.

But wait a minute, it’s not just your friends who turn their backs on you and give you their ass to kiss after you have stood for them, with them and by them; your mate, your children, your siblings, family members, coworkers, and others also fit the betrayer mold. It is hard, and you are not afforded an opportunity to speak with them to gain an understanding and/or some modicum of clarification as to why the back you had for so long held and protected, has now been turned to your front. And then, although you are the person who was betrayed, the betrayer had the audacity to treat you as if you have done something wrong, and they refused to be honest and open with you about what really took place.

I know you probably would like to have all friendships and all relationships with others last for a lifetime. However, as I wrote about in my book, “Seeds for the Harvest of a Lifetime: Increasing Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem & Improving Relationships,” everyone is not in your life forever, even some family members. Some people are in your life to serve as couriers. They are there to drop a word, participate in an event, illuminate for the day and then move on. Others are in your life as short-term parkers. They are placed in your life to help you or for you to help them for a day or a night, but only for a short period of time. They are like parking meters; their time expires. You have to decide whether you are going to keep putting your time, money, and feelings into expired meters. On the other hand, there are monthly parkers, who are placed in your life to assist with a project or longer event, but their term in your life also expires. Finally, there are the lifers, whose time expires with death, and they truly have your back as you have theirs; nothing can tear you all apart. However, some times you tend to reject the lifers and hold on to the couriers, short-term parkers, and monthly parkers. They will eventually turn their back to your front and give you their ass to kiss.

It is important for you to sharpen and renew your spirit of discernment or gain a spirit of discernment. You can’t keep trying to hold onto everyone who enters your life. And beyond you trying to hold onto them, you must be able to discern those who are genuine from those who are disingenuous. You must begin to establish clear and consistent boundaries. You must also get to know the agenda of the people whose backs you support, come hell or high water. 

Some people are leeches; there to suck everything they can for themselves from you, and you get nothing in return. There are probably some people in your life that you don’t need in your life. You have had their back, but the same has not been reciprocated to you. Sure, everybody does play the fool sometime, but no one should play the fool all the time. It is time for you to take inventory of your relationships with your friends, your mate, your children, your family members, your coworkers, and others. And if you keep getting the short end of the stick, the common factor is YOU! What are you going to do about it?

What are you missing and what are you looking for that keeps you allowing people to give you their ass to kiss after you have had their back, and sometimes while you are still holding their back? There are some people who just don’t value other people and they take and take without ever giving. And when they finish getting what they can from you, they then take that same back you have supported, protected, and held, by turning it to your front.

Although you can’t go back and fix the situation with the many people who have betrayed you, and you shouldn’t go back, you can move forward. These people are usually heartless and cold, dying on the inside, lonely, and desperate. However, they are always seeking the next person to betray and they move on. They probably don’t even remember your name; people really don’t matter to them. What would be the benefit of you seeking them out and going back? You can finally forgive them and move on. You can’t keep letting these ‘back turners’ control your emotions, your thoughts, and your life directions. After all, they gave you nothing but their ass to kiss; why are you still allowing them to take up space in your heart and your head, and they are not paying for it? I guarantee you that you are not the first person who stood with them, stood up for them, and stood by them, who was given their ass to kiss; that’s just who they are. Let them go! Take stock of where you are and where you are going, as you document the lessons learned from these unappreciative people, in order for you to not keep playing the role of the fool. 

Take some time to begin to evaluate the people in your life. Be honest with yourself about those who have given you and keep giving you their ass to kiss while you continue to support them. It is time for you to remove them from your life. And if any of these people happen to be your mate, your children, or other family members, it is time for you to assess the reason you keep allowing the mess and the stress in your life. Discuss with them, using your “I” messages, what you will and won’t tolerate. You can also give them an ultimatum and a timeframe to make changes as to how you are treated. If they are not willing to make changes in how they are treating you, you have a decision to make about the relationship, if it is truly one at all. If you are unable to move forward with clearly defined boundaries or clean these people out of your life on your own, get with a licensed mental health professional to help you. 

  

In your assessment, don’t forget about those genuine and true people who have had your back, as well as those who continue to have your back. Let those wonderful souls know that they rise to the top in your life. Also let them know how much you appreciate them, value them, and love them. From this day forward, it is imperative that you are clear about whom you let into your life, as well as whose back you will have. Be reminded and remind those people the importance of remembering what “I got your back” truly means. Also remember, nine times out of ten, if a person turns their back to your front by giving you their ass to kiss once, including your mate, your children, and other family members, they will probably do it again. It is time for you to express to them, “Having Your Back Doesn’t Mean You Turning it to My Front!” I am not an ass kisser!

©2019; J. Morley Productions, Inc.; P.O. Box 1745; Decatur, GA 30031; (770) 808-6570; www.doctorjoyce.com